Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is an awful way to treat your recently widowed mother

535 replies

user1485342611 · 08/07/2018 16:07

My friend's father died a couple of months ago and her mother is understandably heartbroken. They had been married for over fifty years.

My friend lives a two hour journey from her mum and works full time but travels down as much as she can. She lives in a one room flat and has had her mum up to stay a couple of times but it's not ideal. She went to stay with her mum for a week in May and plans to do the same in Sept when she's due more holidays.

Her brother lives closer and is married with 3 kids. He and his wife are teachers and will be finishing work for the Summer in a couple of weeks. Their plan is to spend their entire holiday in a holiday house in Cornwall that they inherited cum bought out another relative's share a few years ago. My friend asked him if they would have their mother along for at least a couple of weeks of the holiday as it will get very lonely for her on her own, and my friend will only be able to get down at weekends. Her brother has said no, he and his wife are knackered after a school year and he's also had to cope with losing his dad so they really need these few weeks away 'as a family'.

My friend is really upset and I think her brother is being horrible.

AIBU.

I have changed a few details to ensure no one is outed, but this is the general gist of what is happening.

OP posts:
AStatelyPleasureDome · 14/07/2018 07:19

@viktoria - excellent post. Better to be pragmatic and try to keep the family together as much as possible, as a rift between her children is going to make the mother feel even more depressed.

RainySeptember · 14/07/2018 07:21

Sure, sure math.

Just don't think it's relevant here.

mathanxiety · 14/07/2018 07:32

No, it couldn't possibly be relevant here, after a bereavement, when one sibling is clearly pretty angry at the other, and exhibiting a good deal of anxiety.

RainySeptember · 14/07/2018 07:39

Math reading one article in Psychology Today doesn't make you a grief counsellor.

Thank you for your superior insight. I'm sure everyone has taken it on board now. Either sibling could be suffering from grief-related anxiety and depression that is causing tension. There are a great many other things that could be happening too.

Having read the available information and opinions however I am still of the opinion that the simplest interpretation is the right one : he had a long holiday planned before his dad died and doesn't want to compromise on it.

honeyishrunkthekid · 14/07/2018 07:44

Is the brother just taking time out with his family for a couple of weeks to regroup and recharge batteries after a long school year?
I know I'm desperately in need of a holiday when school ends next week. I'm exhausted.

He will still have 4 weeks off in which he will be able to spend time with his mother?

I think that's the fairest deal. He can put his mum first but also look after himself and grieve without worrying about upsetting his mum? He probably hasn't had a chance and is gearing up to the end of term to fully let it out

Booie09 · 14/07/2018 07:47

Nowhere in the original post does it say how much the son and daughter in law do day to day, maybe they see her everyday maybe every other day. Maybe just maybe they need a break! Non of us really know it's only one side of the story.

honeyishrunkthekid · 14/07/2018 07:51

Didn't read the OP properly. The entire holidays. Well that's slightly different. I do think he should be able to offer a week of his time for his mother at least. 6 weeks is a long time off and then 8 weeks before the next holiday in October. (Uk state based I mean)

SpandexTutu · 14/07/2018 09:39

These phenomena are very well documented. If you are not familiar with the many ways family members often turn on each other after a death, and the reasons why they do it, then I don't think you have the insight you claim to have.

Math is absolutely right. This is a well studied and reported area.

Lweji · 14/07/2018 09:43

I hear you, OP. It's how my brother has essentially behaved towards our mum.
And my sister, although she seems to be getting better on a day to day.
The holidays, though...

SpandexTutu · 14/07/2018 09:56

I can't imagine any situation where one sibling trying to dictate to another what they should do with their holidays will go down well. There is also a DIL to take into account - maybe her relationship with mil isn't too great. And 2dc who may have things going on.
There is no way any of us have enough info to say the dbro is BU.

Bluelady · 14/07/2018 10:09

The DiL's relationship with her MiL was good enough for her to live with her when it suited her. I think we know quite enough to be able to say the brother is a selfish arsehole. It's fine for his sister to cancel two one week holidays out of her six weeks a year but not for him to have his mum to stay for one week out of his six week summer holiday when he gets around 13 weeks a year. That's plenty of information for me.

RainySeptember · 14/07/2018 10:10

There is no way any of us have enough info to say the DBro is BU

Like every other thread on mn.

But out of deference to your sense of fairness I will qualify my opinion with 'on the available evidence I interpret the information provided as follows'.

But I'm expecting to see that at the beginning of every opinion ever expressed on a post from now on.

RainySeptember · 14/07/2018 10:12

Spandex
She didn't dictate anything. She asked and he said no. She provided an alternative and he said no again. Hardly a dictatorship. At most, she's grumbled to a good friend about it.

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/07/2018 10:49

RainySeptember
That's basically 99% of MN. Check out Relationships, where people are advised to divorce off the back of internet hearsay without hearing the other person's side of it.

And on those thread the person is questioned, not something we can do on this thread as the person posting isn't even directly involved with the care.

RainySeptember · 14/07/2018 13:48

And we can bicker among ourselves as much as we want. OP hasn't been back for ages. Nobody is changing their mind. The people in question will never know that internet randoms discussed their situation. All we're doing is stating our opinion, but it seems that some simply can't cope with anyone interpreting the situation differently to them.

I still think he's a twat. It doesn't matter really because he'll never know.

beanaseireann · 14/07/2018 14:43

I could be wrong but the OP is probably the sister of the selfish brother.
You'd think he could manage a weekend with the mother. Just invite her for the weekend.
The selfishness of some people Shock

QuackPorridgeBacon · 14/07/2018 14:59

which from what you've said is extremely unlikely to be the case, since he's been happy to allow his kids to have sleepovers with her in the past

This simply isn’t true. You can have a relationship and allow your children to stay at relatives houses prior to falling out and then become no contact. You can also allow your kids a relationship with a relative that you do not wish to have contact with etc.

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/07/2018 17:38

RainySeptember

Even if the OP came back it wouldn't solve anything because she only knows what her friend is telling her.

I am more than happy for you to interpret the situation different to me, I don't have to be happy with with the name calling of both the DB and other posters for having a difference of opinion.

Lets be honest only one side has wished that the the other sides child abandons them and has called people heartless, callous and vile and its the side that is supposedly the caring side.

Go figure.

RainySeptember · 14/07/2018 19:17

Yes, and only one side has suggested that an elderly woman who lost her life partner of fifty years just eight weeks ago should be pulling herself together by now, needs to stand on her own two feet, could get all the company she needs by popping to the shops or joining a church or switching the tv on.

So I'm happy to be on the side saying heartless and callous, and you're happy to be on the other side, so it's all good.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 14/07/2018 19:28

Not everyone has said she should get over it. Someone did say moving on as in seeing people if she needs company, she sees her friends so that’s something. We all have to function on don’t we? The brother has lost his dad he also has the grief of his children and his mum, why can’t he take a break and focus on his little family for a bit? Everyone helps in the short term but sometimes it’s longterm things that help more. Why is his own grief having to be put aside for his mums? I know it’s not the same loss but neither is more or less than the others, surely? I lost my grandad recently and my four year old was heartbroken and my other child in hospital with our youngest, my mum wasn’t there at all for me even though I was for her, we ended up no contact not long after his funeral. There were other issues too and in no way comparable to this situation but I had to do things and watching tv or popping to the shops did help a lot, I couldn’t have much support with me as we were supporting our kids. She is a grown up and people handle bings differently and she probably is barely functioning but the brother may also be struggling too and had to work and support his kids grief through it too. He has also been there for his Mum the past eight weeks and probably long before that too, if he fees he needs the break he shouldn’t have to justify it or be called a twat for it.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 14/07/2018 19:29

I mean our youngest was in hospital and my partner with her.

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/07/2018 19:32

RainySeptember

Please quote where I should say that she could get over it.

You can't. But feel free to make yet more stuff up.

Bluelady · 14/07/2018 19:34

I'm with you, Rainy September. Totally happy to be in the heartless and callous camp.

RainySeptember · 14/07/2018 19:43

I didn't say you boney. You're not the only person on that side of the camp you know.

RainySeptember · 14/07/2018 19:45

Feel free to make yet more stuff up

No, my dad is bigger than your dad.