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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is an awful way to treat your recently widowed mother

535 replies

user1485342611 · 08/07/2018 16:07

My friend's father died a couple of months ago and her mother is understandably heartbroken. They had been married for over fifty years.

My friend lives a two hour journey from her mum and works full time but travels down as much as she can. She lives in a one room flat and has had her mum up to stay a couple of times but it's not ideal. She went to stay with her mum for a week in May and plans to do the same in Sept when she's due more holidays.

Her brother lives closer and is married with 3 kids. He and his wife are teachers and will be finishing work for the Summer in a couple of weeks. Their plan is to spend their entire holiday in a holiday house in Cornwall that they inherited cum bought out another relative's share a few years ago. My friend asked him if they would have their mother along for at least a couple of weeks of the holiday as it will get very lonely for her on her own, and my friend will only be able to get down at weekends. Her brother has said no, he and his wife are knackered after a school year and he's also had to cope with losing his dad so they really need these few weeks away 'as a family'.

My friend is really upset and I think her brother is being horrible.

AIBU.

I have changed a few details to ensure no one is outed, but this is the general gist of what is happening.

OP posts:
Nearlyherenotlong · 08/07/2018 16:08

No the brother is not being unreasonable, he's dealing with his own grief

SheShreds · 08/07/2018 16:08

I think it's none of your business.

Brunsdon1 · 08/07/2018 16:11

I think you don't know the family dynamics and what has occurred ,don't judge until you know the full story

In fact don't judge even then it's not your circus not your monkeys

ForalltheSaints · 08/07/2018 16:13

I don't know the whole situation, but based on what is said, even a week would be something I think the brother should offer.

AChickenCalledKorma · 08/07/2018 16:14

I lost my mother earlier this year and am supporting my father as best I can. But he's not coming on holiday with us. We thought about it and decided that we really do need some time to look after our own needs as well as doing what we can for him.

This brother may be selfish - or he may be at absolute breaking point on account of everything that's happened in his own life. And he may have second thoughts once he's had a decent break himself. Grieving is shit and they'll need to muddle through.

Stillme1 · 08/07/2018 16:16

The son is as much the same child as the daughter. Both have lost their father and both have a mother who is grieving her dead husband. Could the son not have a bit of sympathy and have the mother to join them for a week or two. Very selfish and entitled conduct

Racecardriver · 08/07/2018 16:19

You don't know the dynamic. There is no way I would want to spend that much time with my own mother no matter how many people died. Ditto my MIL if we are being totally honest-not that I would object but I wouldn't try to talk my DH into inviting her of he was against it.

Original poster
user1485342611 · 08/07/2018 16:21

I understand the brother needs a break. But out of six weeks surely he could spare a couple of weeks for his mother?

My friend, who is also bereaved, will now have full responsibility for her mum for the Summer, which means doing a 4 hour round trip every weekend after a week at work.

Surely brother and sister should be working together to look after their mum.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 08/07/2018 16:22

I don't think the brother is being at all unreasonable, not horrible.

Family time is sacrosanct, he has been through the mill too, plus working in a VERY stressful job, and he and his wife need tim away together.

I also think it is none of anyone else's business and you should refrain from being judgmental here.

ReservoirDogs · 08/07/2018 16:22

Who knows the family dynamics though? Maybe the grieving mother is a MIL from hell and the DIL has said no way and because DIL does not have a DH problem ie. He stands by his wife he has said no to his mother going with them.

We have all seen so many different family dynamics on mumsnet! This really is a situation where noone else can comment!

SparkyTheCat · 08/07/2018 16:22

Are you the sister, OP?

Original poster
user1485342611 · 08/07/2018 16:25

No I'm not the sister but she's a very close friend and I know the family well. Her mum is lovely and really really shaken up by the loss of her husband.
My friend is worn out and also grieving, and is now being left to carry the burden of the mother by herself for six weeks. It seems terribly unfair and as a close friend yes, of course I have an opinion and am upset for my friend.

OP posts:
StatisticallyChallenged · 08/07/2018 16:26

As others have said you don't know what the family dynamics are like really - two children growing up in the same home can have very different experiences which go on to affect their relationships with their parents as adults.

For all you know his mum has been awful to him at some point and he couldn't cope with having her to stay.

Gottokondo · 08/07/2018 16:26

My friend, who is also bereaved, will now have full responsibility for her mum for the Summer, which means doing a 4 hour round trip every weekend after a week at work

No, she doesn't have to do that. It is her choice to do that. Her brother is putting his family first, which is fine. She is putting her mother first, which is fine as well but she can't then complain that other people should take over.

lifechangesforever · 08/07/2018 16:29

Why does the daughter need to go every weekend during the summer? What makes the summer holidays any different to the rest of the year?

As horrible as it sounds, DM does need to get used to being on her own because that's how it is now. Does she have friends she can go out with? Any brothers, sisters, cousins etc.?

My nanna lost her husband of 50+ years very suddenly and wouldn't even stay at our house on the night of his death because she 'had to get used to being on her own now' now I know that is a uncommon reaction but she was being realistic about the situation, in her mind.

Maybe a long weekend would work for BIL but I certainly couldn't have DM or MIL with me for for 2 weeks. As he's said, it's time for him to reflect and grieve too.

MigratoryCoconuts · 08/07/2018 16:30

I agree with you. My close friend lost a family member this year, the son wasn't close to his parents despite their efforts but he did a reading at the funeral which was full of regrets of missed chances. He put in a bit of effort in the days after the funeral now all but disappeared from his widowed mums life again who is having a truly awful time of it. The care of her is falling mainly to grandchildren as her other children don't live nearby. My friend is sickened with the thought he could say all those things and then do nothing to help his mum out.

Frankwindsor · 08/07/2018 16:31

Sorry, I've seen too much of this over the years. So often, I have seen one sibling get lumbered because other sibling(s) will do sweet jack shit to help look after the ageing parent. Was this lovely brother his mother's favorite by any chance, OP? Often it is the 'favourites' who grow up with a large dose of entitlement and often they end up rejecting their own parents.
Yes, it's a generalisation. But I have seen it time after time. Not always males either.

beargrass · 08/07/2018 16:31

I'm really surprised at the attitude towards older people on here sometimes. I'm thinking also of the recent thread about a woman's mum being called a "doubler" in a care home.

Out of six weeks, one or two would not be unreasonable. I would not do this to my mum or to my MIL.

In your friend's shoes, OP, I would be upset. In your shoes, I'd be upset for her.

peppapops · 08/07/2018 16:32

As the more local sibling, I think it's unfair to expect him to have her on holiday with them too when he probably does the lions share of visiting and checking in on his Mum, compared with his Sister.

He's grieving too.

It's exhausting being nearby sometimes because you don't have the excuse of the distance being an issue but equally after a long week at work don't always want to spend your weekends with family all the time.

NewYearNewMe18 · 08/07/2018 16:33

I agree with you OP

Fair enough we don't have the whole family dynamic, but even IF he has an issue with his mother, you'd think he'd lift a little from his sisters shoulders.

I bet he's chomping at the bit come time for an inheritance though, that sort always are.

Atlastatlastatlast · 08/07/2018 16:33

Jeeze. I thought nothing on mumsnet could shock me anymore but some of the cold hearted selfish attitudes on here are disgusting.

GunpowderGelatine · 08/07/2018 16:34

Sorry but the brother INBU. It's awful, and I really feel for the whole family, but they are entitled to enjoy the holidays the way they want to. The mother is not in ill health, she does not need round the clock carers, she will be fine for the summer. And as PP have said you don't know the dynamics - she may be a royal PITA for them both

Fluffyears · 08/07/2018 16:35

DH is an only child with a widowed mother and over my dead body would she be coming on holiday with us. I’d end up doing fine with ing the first 24 hours! Not everyone has a perfect family life.

HollowTalk · 08/07/2018 16:36

Could her mum afford to come and stay near your friend for a week or so in a B&B? If your friend looked out for a nice friendly place, then you and her other friends could help make a fuss of her mum in the evenings and at the weekend.

HollowTalk · 08/07/2018 16:37

Does her mum have any widowed friends? My mum found they understood a lot better than those who hadn't lost someone.