Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is an awful way to treat your recently widowed mother

535 replies

user1485342611 · 08/07/2018 16:07

My friend's father died a couple of months ago and her mother is understandably heartbroken. They had been married for over fifty years.

My friend lives a two hour journey from her mum and works full time but travels down as much as she can. She lives in a one room flat and has had her mum up to stay a couple of times but it's not ideal. She went to stay with her mum for a week in May and plans to do the same in Sept when she's due more holidays.

Her brother lives closer and is married with 3 kids. He and his wife are teachers and will be finishing work for the Summer in a couple of weeks. Their plan is to spend their entire holiday in a holiday house in Cornwall that they inherited cum bought out another relative's share a few years ago. My friend asked him if they would have their mother along for at least a couple of weeks of the holiday as it will get very lonely for her on her own, and my friend will only be able to get down at weekends. Her brother has said no, he and his wife are knackered after a school year and he's also had to cope with losing his dad so they really need these few weeks away 'as a family'.

My friend is really upset and I think her brother is being horrible.

AIBU.

I have changed a few details to ensure no one is outed, but this is the general gist of what is happening.

OP posts:
duckfuckduck · 08/07/2018 18:14

No one has the right to impose on another family member how much they have to do after a death. Every one grieves differently and everyone has different personal family set ups for their wives/partners/kids.

Also, the brother may be doing loads day to day and feel he has done enough and his sister isn't doing enough of the day to day

Also, personalities may be different. I could cope with being with my dad for all of about 5 minutes before I would be planning his demise.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 08/07/2018 18:15

Also he may be doing a lot after work and weekends etc.

RainySeptember · 08/07/2018 18:15

..still allowing the daughter to make a long journey after a working week to tend to her duty she is the selfish one

She may be barely functioning at this stage, just eating when food is put in front of her and existing. Come on, her husband of half a century died eight weeks ago. She'll still be wishing she died too. I can't be the only one who's experienced bereavement surely, so many of you seem to think she should've bounced back by now.

BoneyBackJefferson · 08/07/2018 18:17

RainySeptember

I think that the OP is relaying the information given to her by the friend, but their is a lot of information missing.

And I find it interesting that any information about what the DB does is just not there, nothing good, nothing bad just nothing.

and if the DM requires such a lot of help for the OP's friend who is providing this for the 12 days that the OP's friend isn't there?

WowLookAtYou · 08/07/2018 18:17

What do I mean?

His grief is so intense that he has to spend 6 weeks away with his wife and children to the exclusion of all else - including his own mother, whose grief for the same man is surely magnified, on account of having been married to him for over 50 years?

Wtfdoipick · 08/07/2018 18:21

She may be barely functioning at this stage, just eating when food is put in front of her and existing. Come on, her husband of half a century died eight weeks ago.

So if that's the situation who do you think is picking up the daily visits?

mrsmuddlepies · 08/07/2018 18:21

Can't get over the number of posters suggesting that we don't know the full story. When on Mumsnet do we ever know the full story? Lots of threads end up being deleted for not being true and yet posters completely invest in them. In the end, you have to accept the premise of a thread based on what you have been told.
I can't get over the poster who complained that she wasn't going to get a new car out of her FIL's inheritance , whilst freely admitting that she loathed him and had nothing to do with him whilst he was alive.
There are some very grabby posters when it comes down to inheritance!

RainySeptember · 08/07/2018 18:23

Nothing good, nothing bad

It's irrelevant. If he does next to nothing, he should step up with regards the holiday. If he does loads, he should still step up and leave himself a 4-5 week complete break.

In a few months, a year from now, maybe not. But in these early days, she needs her family's support and frankly they should be willingly providing it.

BewareOfDragons · 08/07/2018 18:24

No, the brother doesn't have to have her for some of his 6 week holiday ... but I think he's a selfish asshole for not doing it.

Yes, he lost his dad.

BUt his sister lost her dad, too, and is trying to be supportive.

And his mother lost her 50+ year partner.

He could make more of an effort. He clearly doesn't want to. I would lose a lot of respect for him, tbh.

Babynut1 · 08/07/2018 18:26

From the outset I thought wow that is a bit harsh from the brother.

But saying that, if anything happened to my dad, I’d never take my mother away with me, she can be unbearable. So maybe he isn’t unreasonable? Depends on his relationship with his mum I guess?

QuackPorridgeBacon · 08/07/2018 18:27

op I think we need to know if the brother has been doing much in the last eight weeks, alongside a demanding job. If he has then yes he may well need this break to be with has family and let his emotions out in whatever way he feels comfortable with. He might not be up for looking after someone else.

falang · 08/07/2018 18:34

I agree with you OP. I think it's pretty mean of the brother not to have his mum for at least a week in the holiday place. Lots of people have very stressful jobs and don't have the luxury of a whole 6 weeks in a cottage on holiday so that's no excuse. It's the least he could do.

rosamundhopelovesdogs123 · 08/07/2018 18:36

I'm with the OP.
Shocked the brother can't host his grieving mother for a few weeks.
There is so little compassion and respect for the elderly in this country.

MargaretCavendish · 08/07/2018 18:39

She lives in a one room flat and has had her mum up to stay a couple of times but it's not ideal.

I'd be interested to know how much more 'ideal' the holiday cottage is for hosting an extra adult - it's quite the cottage if three adults and three kids won't all be completely on top of each other.

Birdsgottafly · 08/07/2018 18:43

How old is the Mum and was her health good before the Father's death?

Tbh, the Mum needs to start to make plans to help herself get over her Husband's death.

Neither of her children should be obliged t dedicate the rest of their lives to her.

She needs to start planning her future, which may include moving nearer to her Daughter.

Wrongwayup · 08/07/2018 18:44

A son's a son until he gets a wife. A daughter is a daughter all of her life. How true. Mind you my mum and me and my sister suffered a triple bereavement. My sister, everything all about her. Doesn't see my mum for week's at a time. People can be selfish irrespective of gender.

HateIsNotGood · 08/07/2018 18:52

I doubt that the DB and his wife both being teachers have the full 6 weeks off - as most teachers on MN will tell you. BUT let's say they are in their holiday/2nd home in Cornwall for 3-4 weeks then it would be a very nice thing if they would invite her to stay with them for a week. No job is too stressful to not be nice so YANBU.

KokoandAllBall · 08/07/2018 18:52

Weekend only visits suggest she doesn't need any care as such, it's about company. Perhaps the mother needs to be directed towards places she can make friends? Your sister should continue going down every other weekend, no need to run herself ragged. And if this is going to be a long term thing, perhaps she should start looking for work in her mother's town?

MachineBee · 08/07/2018 18:52

So sorry OP to hear about this. 70 isn’t old these days. Does your DFriend’s DM actually want to spend a couple of weeks with her DS or does she want some time alone to process and grieve?

I’d be beyond despair if I lost my DH when I’m 70, but I wouldn’t want to be ‘looked after’ by my DCs. I’m a capable person who would most likely want some time to myself and then contact with others on my own terms.

Original poster
user1485342611 · 08/07/2018 18:53

The brother calls in the weekends my friend isn't down. But the weekends she's there the grass hasn't been cut, the mum's telly was broken one week and she 'didn't like to ask' her son to come over and have a look at it so my friend had to sort it, and she knows for a fact that she's only been asked over to their house once for a meal.
e go into loads of detail but I know my friend is doing the lion's share.. She just wanted her brother to have their mum for two weeks out of his six week holiday.
is
No one said the mother is a burden. But anyone who has lost a parent knows that looking after the bereaved parent is difficult, sad and often heartbreaking work so it's a burden that needs to be shared.

OP posts:
OneStepSideways · 08/07/2018 18:53

How big is the holiday cottage? If space is tight or there's only one bathroom I can understand the family not wanting to invite her. Have they suggested she rents a holiday flat or B&B nearby, so they can spend time together without loss of privacy?

Does the wife get on with her mother in law? If they have a difficult relationship it's understandable she doesn't want to invite her.

Goodenoughiam · 08/07/2018 18:54

In this country, people don't care very much about their elderly. Where I come from, family is precious. You treat them well, especially in their twilight years.

What is 2 weeks out of 6? His mother won't be with him for much longer. Why is he seeing her as an inconvenience. She is elderly and needs some love and care. She is grieving the loss of her husband, his father. He should get great satisfaction from caring and being with his mother.

Sorry, I just don't get the mindset of people who show little regard. Only caring for them when it is not inconvenient.

ReservoirDogs · 08/07/2018 18:54

The Op updated with she is doing at least as much as her brother

so the brother is already doing the same or more. In her mind she is doing at least as much. I suspect that the brother has been there far more frequently and picking up a lot of the slack from that comment.

If he now needs to concentrate on his family and his own recuperation what is the problem with that?

duckfuckduck · 08/07/2018 18:55

No one should be made to do any more than they want to in this situation.

I live closest. My brother listened to my parent about how little I did and how shit of a daughter I was because I never had them over, never visited etc and I got a rip roar of a phone call telling me how crap I was. I pointed out all I had done, and told brother to come and stay for a week and see how he liked it.

He had a different view after that.

Original poster
user1485342611 · 08/07/2018 18:56

It's not a cottage Margerat. There;s a lot of jumping to conclusions on this thread. They often have people down to stay with them.. It's a house.

OP posts: