To think this is an awful way to treat your recently widowed mother

[user1485342611]

My friend's father died a couple of months ago and her mother is understandably heartbroken. They had been married for over fifty years.

My friend lives a two hour journey from her mum and works full time but travels down as much as she can. She lives in a one room flat and has had her mum up to stay a couple of times but it's not ideal. She went to stay with her mum for a week in May and plans to do the same in Sept when she's due more holidays.

Her brother lives closer and is married with 3 kids. He and his wife are teachers and will be finishing work for the Summer in a couple of weeks. Their plan is to spend their entire holiday in a holiday house in Cornwall that they inherited cum bought out another relative's share a few years ago. My friend asked him if they would have their mother along for at least a couple of weeks of the holiday as it will get very lonely for her on her own, and my friend will only be able to get down at weekends. Her brother has said no, he and his wife are knackered after a school year and he's also had to cope with losing his dad so they really need these few weeks away 'as a family'.

My friend is really upset and I think her brother is being horrible.

AIBU.

I have changed a few details to ensure no one is outed, but this is the general gist of what is happening.

I'd love to know which teaching sector has 9 weeks' holiday.

My son broke up last Thursday (6th form) and goes back on 5th September.

I've worked in independent schools which have 19 weeks holiday per year as opposed to the state sector 13.

It's not difficult to look up.

It's none of your business, OP.

Your friend doesn't need to go every weekend. Sadly, bereavement is part of life. Millions of people are widowed and to use an unfortunate turn of phrase, 'get on with it'. Does her DM have no friends or hobbies? How long does she plan to keep up this 'support?' Her DM is not her 'responsibility'. How misguided. Her brother INBU.

No where does it say that - no where does it say where the brother is doing anything

It doesn’t say he isn’t, whereas OP is at pains to make sure that we all know that her “friend” is doing “what she can” “when she can” which doesn’t sound like much.

Fair enough I’m probably projecting because I did most of the caring for Mum (with my Dad) and look out for Dad now while my waster brother insists to the world he “does what he can” (which roughly translates as fuck all, ever).

So aye, I was projecting, which probably wasn’t fair.

However I’m still wary of people insisting they do “what they can” because it’s usually an excuse for doing nowhere near what they should be.

Also, the brother has kids who are grieving a grandparent, my kids struggled badly after my Mum died and needed a lot of time and attention to help them through.

So, why should the daughter - who probably gets six weeks off in a whole year, if she's lucky - take her mum off for "a little holiday" when the brother who gets six weeks off just in the summer can't even have her to stay for a week?

I'm not sure which appals me most - the brother's selfishness or the wave of support it's getting here. Typical misogyny - let the single daughter shoulder the load because the big important man is above it.

peppa
As the more local sibling, I think it's unfair to expect him to have her on holiday with them too when he probably does the lions share of visiting and checking in on his Mum, compared with his Sister
nowhere does it say in the OP that he has done ANYTHING.

This thread is ridiculous, it’s not misogyny to suggest that a father might prioritise his children while grieving!

Absolute bullshit.

He's not being selfish.
He lives closer. I expect he's been nipping in and out, doing little things that your friend won't even know about. In a lot of ways so insignificant, but for him time consuming and often emotionally draining.

My parents lived very close to one set of parents and 6+ hours away from another.

The siblings who lived further away didn't realise half what my parents did for the one who was close. Often little things-the curtains are stuck, can you nip in and sort it, could you just pick up a pint of milk please, etc. Sounds little, and I never heard dp complain about it.
But it never was that simple.

Curtains stuck: On that occasion we were going out for the day in the opposite direction. But dm drove us 10 minutes in the wrong direction to sort it. The curtains had come off the rails. So she had to take them down to fit the bits back on again. A couple of them had snapped. It took half an hour to get it back on. Then when it was done, dm found that some stuff had dropped behind the radiator and got that out. So we arrived over an hour late to the place we were going.
Then on the way back, we had to leave early to make sure we got to the shop before it closed, a diversion to the DIY shop to get replacement parts, and another 10 minutes in the wrong direction and 20 minutes fight with the curtain before we could get home.

I doubt dm's siblings even knew it had been done.

That's the sort of thing he's probably dealing with round 3 dc and working. And inviting her for a week or two may mean over crowding in the cottage-people sharing who don't expect to/sleeping on sofas etc. Then maybe they want to spend their time going to things dm won't want to. I have memories of my gran refusing to get out of the car at one place because she didn't want to go. Only she didn't say anything until we'd arrived and parked up.
It just makes for a less relaxing time overall.

When my gran was dying (the one who lived 6+ hours away) we went every weekend to see her over a far longer stretch than 6 weeks.
And it was less strain in most ways than the constant needing little things locally.

He's said he needs his time to grieve. Let him grieve.

'' ... being left to carry the burden of the mother by herself for six weeks.''

I don't have any siblings, so i don't know what it feels like to 'share the burden' of a parent. If the OPs friend is feeling her mother is a burden that surely is her own issue?

I find it hard to believe it's all as simple as the brother thinking to himself 'i don't care about mum enough to invite her on holiday'. I imagine it is (as with most family dynamics) a bit more complicated. How? I don't know. (I barely get my head around my own family dynamics sometimes!)

I notice the OPs friend has chosen to live 2 hours away from her mother for a start. While the brother is 'closer' with a stressful job and 3 kids.

You could spin this tale either way with only the basic facts.

nowhere does it say in the OP that he has done ANYTHING

Well the “friend” is hardly going to admit it is she? It would completely blow apart her “poor me” status.

Where are some posters getting the idea that my friend does very little? She travels a 4 hour round trip every second weekend and spends the entire time with her mum, she used her weeks holiday in May to stay with her mum and is also using her Sept week likewise (the only holidays she'll have before Christmas). She has had her mum up to stay with her for a couple of weekends and has asked her to come up more but as I said, it's a one bedroom flat and not ideal. She is doing most of the work on getting the will probated, fills her mum's freezer with dinners in small portions to make sure she eats, rings her all the time, cancelled a holiday abroad in May to be with her mother, and does all that is possible given the distance and working full time. How awful for people to come on here deciding she does very little.

She is doing at least as much as her brother.

I'd love to know which teaching sector has 9 weeks' holiday

Independent schools. DD broke up on Thursday. Longer school days = linger summer holidays

sodding - i have to say - i always either agree or disagree pretty vehemently with you on threads.

On this occasion it's agree.

Some of the responses on here "DM has to get used to being on her own" etc to me highlight the worst aspects of today's society - lack of family and community values - it's all about selfishness. Such a shame. Of course we don't know this family's dynamics, but just assuming his mother has provided him with a caring, loving upbringing, I think she's deserving of a bit of that back.

I agree with you OP. I’d be very disapppinted if this was my brother (and his wife), not only because of his seeming lack of concern for our mother but also because of his lack of concern about how his unwillingness to have her stay for a week would impact on me.
I know that all families are different and we don’t know the family dynamics here but it appals me that someone could be so hard hearted and uncaring towards their own mother. They are away for 6 weeks not one and it doesn’t seem much to ask that they invite her to stay with them for a small proportion of the time they are away.
The mother may of course feel that she’s not ready for a change of scene yet, but that would be her choice, and I’m sure she would like to be asked, if for no other reason that it shows her that her son and wife are thinking about the situation she finds herself in.

What about in normal times though OP? I think OPs are wondering what normal service is like. It might affect who feels like jumping in to do the lions share for a change at times like this.

@Laiste I think I’m a bit like marmite

Also, the use of the word burden to describe the Mum is really sad. As if she’s something they’re lumbered with.

Unfortunately a lot of men are like this. When their wives’ parents need help they will be all over the situation. But most don’t give a shit about their own if there’s someone else to do the job. I suggest you tell your friend to protect her interests - it’s time for her mum to sell the family home and move closer to your friend. I would also ask her to get her mum to review the wills.

Totally agree, Yoga. Societal attitudes towards the extended family and the older generation are shocking.

All these people on here falling over themselves to excuse the brother by suggesting there might be a complex agenda/difficult relationship/he needs to grieve.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or, more likely, he's just a selfish "bloke" who can't be arsed and just doesn't see the issue and wants to prioritise himself.

I'm a teacher, so I get it. Term-time is hard. We need a break so does everyone else. I lost my mum last year. Sister is local to Dad and does loads. I (we - dh always happy to help and come along) travel 2+ hours each way every second or third weekend to see him. Brother? Does fuck all, says Dad "doesn't need mollycoddling," and swoops in once in a blue moon like the Prodigal Son, expecting a hero's welcome.
Pisses Sis and I off no-end. But we'll spread to fill the gaps and Dad is well-cared-for.

NewYearNewMe18 + drearydeardre

No where does it say that - no where does it say where the brother is doing anything

A quote and paraphrase all in one.

The OP has been carefully written to omit anything that the son is doing. Either because the OP doesn't know or it invalidates her point.

When my mother was widowed no way would my brothers and I have left her alone to fend for herself. And she was a total PITA.
As hard as it was for me losing my father it was harder for her.
People lack a sense of duty these days.

So the brother is doing things for his mother, as well as your friend.

As has been said, you don’t know about the dynamics or his situation.

If your friend feels she is doing more than she can to stay physically and mentally OK herself, she may need to consider doing less.

Typical misogyny

No it isn't. I would be saying the same thing if the siblings were same sex. Which could be the case here as the OP has said she has changed some details so as not to identify the family IRL.

If your friend feels she is doing more than she can to stay physically and mentally OK herself, she may need to consider doing less.

Or, and here's an idea, her brother could do a bit more?