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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is an awful way to treat your recently widowed mother

535 replies

user1485342611 · 08/07/2018 16:07

My friend's father died a couple of months ago and her mother is understandably heartbroken. They had been married for over fifty years.

My friend lives a two hour journey from her mum and works full time but travels down as much as she can. She lives in a one room flat and has had her mum up to stay a couple of times but it's not ideal. She went to stay with her mum for a week in May and plans to do the same in Sept when she's due more holidays.

Her brother lives closer and is married with 3 kids. He and his wife are teachers and will be finishing work for the Summer in a couple of weeks. Their plan is to spend their entire holiday in a holiday house in Cornwall that they inherited cum bought out another relative's share a few years ago. My friend asked him if they would have their mother along for at least a couple of weeks of the holiday as it will get very lonely for her on her own, and my friend will only be able to get down at weekends. Her brother has said no, he and his wife are knackered after a school year and he's also had to cope with losing his dad so they really need these few weeks away 'as a family'.

My friend is really upset and I think her brother is being horrible.

AIBU.

I have changed a few details to ensure no one is outed, but this is the general gist of what is happening.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 08/07/2018 17:55

OP has said that in her opinion her friend is doing “at least as much” as the brother. Which implies the brother has been doing stuff.

We don’t know why he and / or his wife doesn’t wish his mother to attend for part of the family trip to Cornwall. He could be being selfish, but could have good reasons.

Tistheseason17 · 08/07/2018 17:56

I agree with previous poster.

Friend's mum needs to sell family home and move closer to her or she needs to move closer to mum.

Laiste · 08/07/2018 17:56

We're all putting ourselves in one of the three roles here. The mother, the sister or the brother.

This will run and run.

RainySeptember · 08/07/2018 17:57

Boney yes I tend to accept the information given as fact on mn. If our response to every thread from now on is 'you could be lying so I can't possibly comment' or 'come back when you've got all the facts' it's going to get dull.

She's been bereaved a couple of months. So eight weeks after the death of a husband of fifty years she should be standing on her own two feet or joining some clubs? Either you've never experienced a close bereavement or you're being disingenuous. I'm impressed this woman is getting up in the morning.

RainySeptember · 08/07/2018 17:58

Even if he's seen his mum every single day, it's still only a few months out of his life.

WowLookAtYou · 08/07/2018 17:58

And of course, we all bring our own experiences and prejudices to these threads. I'm biased, as I'm in a similar situation where I see my brother doing precious little. When FIL died, my dh and his sister declared outright that they would never see their bereaved mother left out or alone for high days and holidays (she lived locally, and was relatively young and active, so everyday stuff was catered for really), and they stuck to it religiously. It made me love dh all the more for the care and compassion he showed his mother in those difficult days. She was also the best mil one could ever hope for, coincidentally.

AlwaysTheEnd · 08/07/2018 17:59

I'm amazed that posters can give an option on this when we can't possibly know all the facts.

The DIL May hate the Mother
The Cornish house may be tiny
The Mother may not really want to go

Etc
Etc
Etc

BoneShaker · 08/07/2018 17:59

You seem to be avoiding answering the questions about whether the brother also helps out with their mum.

Is that deliberate or do you just not know?

Bramble71 · 08/07/2018 18:00

I guess it depends if the brother sees his mother much at other times, but I do think he could have at least asked his grieving mother along for a week. Losing a parent is hard, but losing your lifetime partner must be incredibly hard to bear.

N0tworkin925 · 08/07/2018 18:01

I know someone whose family member passed away at a young age and they took over that role and never moved out from the family home. Would you offer that level of support for years ? I know someone whose relatitive asked them to give up their job and life and return to the family home to provide support, would you offer that type of support ? I offer what support I can to several people, but I have boundaries and limits

RainySeptember · 08/07/2018 18:01

God forbid one day my kids are arguing about who can be arsed taking me away for a few days in the summer, I hope I've brought them up better.

Wtfdoipick · 08/07/2018 18:01

Why is the friend having to now go weekly? To me that says that the brother does do a lot. Of course the other option is that he doesn't and your friend is just martyring herself. Either it needs doing and the brother normally does it or it doesn't. Whichever way he's entitled to say I need a complete break.

SoddingUnicorns · 08/07/2018 18:02

I’d be gutted if my dad thought I felt he was a burden or a duty. He’s my dad and he’s absolutely lost without my Mum, he’s never let us down and I don’t want to let him down during his darkest times.

FindoGask · 08/07/2018 18:03

"I'm amazed that posters can give an option on this when we can't possibly know all the facts.

The DIL May hate the Mother
The Cornish house may be tiny
The Mother may not really want to go"

Exactly. The OP isn't even talking about her mum and brother - it's a friend's mum. But people do love a good chunter.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 08/07/2018 18:03

I think he could spare a week if nowt else and not even see her everyday but be local. However, if the holiday has been booked for a while then he needs it especially with the grief. But I don’t think he’s necessarily unreasonable. Your friend can just not go every weekend. She’d be stupid to put herself through it. Every few weeks should be fine.

RainySeptember · 08/07/2018 18:04

I suppose the use of the word martyr is supposed to imply that she's doing more than she can cope with and wants everyone to know.

When actually we haven't heard about her complaining about anything except that her dB won't take his mum to his holiday home for a few days, and that to a single good friend.

WowLookAtYou · 08/07/2018 18:04

My sister and I took my dad away on a cruise a couple of months after my mum died. Our husbands stayed at home holding the fort and were happy to do so. Dh and I go to stay with Dad for a week at a time in the summer/other holiday periods and go out and about with him.

It's really not much to ask, is it? Thankfully my sister and I have husbands who value family commitments and duties.

WowLookAtYou · 08/07/2018 18:05

then he needs it especially with the grief.

What about his mother's grief?

WowLookAtYou · 08/07/2018 18:07

My mother always used to caution us to look at how a man treated his mother.

MrsBobDylan · 08/07/2018 18:08

Maybe the mother isn't very nice? I would never ask a grown child to drive two hours every weekend to spend it with me, whatever the situation.

I don't think it's any of your business really.

cptartapp · 08/07/2018 18:08

I would suggest that if the DM, after two months, is still allowing the daughter to make a long journey after a working week to tend to her 'duty' she is the selfish one. Your DF can't be angry at her DB because his choices have different repercussions on his life than her choices do hers. And inheritance isn't 'earnt'. What plans does the DM have going forward, this surely isn't sustainable.

shakeyourcaboose · 08/07/2018 18:08

Is the mother infirm and unable to self care? How as pp said does she cope the 12 days the DD is not there? She could still be quite young? I know a lady who married at 16 so would only have been 66 at 50 years married. And does the DM want all this input?

RainySeptember · 08/07/2018 18:10

The DIL May hate the mother
It would have to be serious hatred to refuse her a few days out of such a long holiday with them.

The Cornish house may be tiny
Unless she's off My 30 Stone Life, I'm sure she could tuck away somewhere.

The mother may not really want to go
In which case OP's friend wouldn't even be raising this as an issue.

I'm sure most of us wouldn't choose to share even part of a precious family holiday with a desperately sad elderly woman who they may or may not get along with, but family comes first, always. Or at least it used to, before everyone seemed to develop a finely honed entitlement to do whatever they wanted in the name of self care.

MargaretCavendish · 08/07/2018 18:11

I note that the friend actually wants her to go for 'at least two weeks', not the single week that a lot of people are referring to. I also think it's incredibly disingenuous of people to claim he's probably doing nothing the rest of the time - if that's the case, why will the friend have to go more often and why will the mum be 'very lonely on her own' while he's gone? That implies that he's actually been doing a very good job of keeping her company and seeing her.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 08/07/2018 18:13

WowLookAtYou What do you mean? If he already planned for the holiday and now with losing his father, surely he needs this holiday with his wife and kids. I already said he would be better taking a week from the holiday to spend with his Mum but we don’t know the ins and outs and grief is different for everyone. My own mum played grief top trumps so I don’t plan to get into something like that on here.