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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think kids birthday presents should reflect on venue?

413 replies

sunnysky19 · 08/07/2018 12:42

Background: My DD is very good friends with 2 girls at primary. Due to their friendship us 3 mothers have become close over the 2 yrs often meeting up for coffee or play dates etc.
All of us are in similar financial positions, homeowners, part time jobs, DH/DP working full time, only one has 2 DC. I have 3 DC and so does another.

Issue: one mums DD 3 months ago had a birthday party in one of those trampoline parks, I believe the cost was approx £16-£17 per head. The Present I gave was a popular toy and cost £13
2nd mum hosted her DD birthday last weekend in her back garden. Nothing fancy, no bouncy castle or extra entertainment etc. She discussed the plans with us beforehand so I knew. Asked to bring swimming gear for kids to use paddling pool + had a dancing musical statue game. Food was average, sandwiches, crisps, rolls etc. Pressie I gave was again a toy not as popular at £6.

Got a msg to thank me for coming and 2nd msg saying she was surprised that she regarded us being equal friends but didn't know I favoured the other mother with a LOL at the end of her msg. When I asked what she meant she went on to say, "oh nothing really, just that the pressies made her feel less valued, it's not about the pressies but the principles of fairness etc re the kids.
Had a little chat with her pointing out mother no1 splashed out for a fancy venue hence the present there.
So mother No2 just debated it's a personal choice with venues, both birthdays were of equal fun and enjoyment. DD is a guest regardless of venue and I shouldn't judge on it financially, but be fair to maintain good friendship without ill feelings. Also adding she didn't mind spending the money on a venue like last year but as the weather is lovely it seemed a waste to be indoors hence the garden party this year. So it's not her being petty and stingy.

I did apologise to her that she felt like that to keep the peace but AIBU to believe the presents given should reflect the cost of a do/venue, if it's a simple party a simple present would suffice and if it's a fancy party to increase the budget to reflect that or that they should be given equally in cases like this. Re equal friendships between kids... ??

Sorry it's so long but opinions would be appreciated so I could re-evaluate my principles here if I ABU.

OP posts:
thornyhousewife · 08/07/2018 18:39

MarieeBarone you're misunderstanding me, the OPs post was clearly not about budgeting, it was about three grown women comparing the costs of their friends' parties and presents. It's embarrassing behavior and nothing to do with managing a household budget.

Strawberry2017 · 08/07/2018 18:44

Simply - yes YABU

WhiteWalkerWife · 08/07/2018 18:47

Im glad you are going to consider your budget. It does come across as though you are judging on worth and saying that the less expense spent entertaining the children, the less the child deserves.

I go for price dependent on closeness. So for a close friend it may be higher than an acquaintance.

I wonder if other people do judge on venue as one mum was annoyed that i only spent £8 on a birthday gift, yet i barely knew her and likewise my dc and hers.

The other mum was rude to question. Since your kids hang in a three, which can be a tricky number, do you think she has worried about other favouritising or leaving out?

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 08/07/2018 18:53

While I think your friend was rude mentioning it I can see why she did if you’re friends she’d prefer to just say it rather than let it fester.
We have a sliding scale for gifts. We have a whole class party not a close friend which is lower than a friend they play with regularly. Best friends and those friends that the whole family are close get a little more again.
If the friendship was equal I’d give equal gifts and some children get a gift even if they aren’t having a party because we are friends with them.
I certainly wouldn’t vary the gift cost depending on the party venue.

Baubletrouble43 · 08/07/2018 19:02

Tbh you all sound like a hideous materialistic nightmare. I feel really grateful my friends aren't like any of you!

Baubletrouble43 · 08/07/2018 19:03

Thornyhousewife put it best.

Flyawaypeterflyawaypaul · 08/07/2018 19:07

I forgot to say in my previous post, if a close friend of ds doesn’t ya e a party, I still send a gift, if they are friends, I’m friends with mum, why wouldn’t I?
It is just the message that a child who’s parents can’t/don’t wish to have a more expensive party (despite the considerable effort that goes into an at home party), isn’t worth as much and deserves a lesser gift.
I can’t imagine treating a child like this.

Forfolkssake · 08/07/2018 19:07

Hmmm. If they're both equally close friends of your child, then get them presents of equal value. I think it's odd that you didn't. However, I also think the mother of the garden party was weird to bring up the cost of the present! I'm glad I don't have a group of 'friends' like that!

buzzbeeee · 08/07/2018 19:10

So weird and rude on both sides. I always go all out on my dc £1k last two years running for one birthday party, if someone gave me a present £5 I could not care less. Very strange way of thinking. And a little bit sad.

It’s not like any dc in the U.K. actually needs any of these presents either is it?! Either overthinking, or just plain rude, adults at work here.

TypicallyNorthern · 08/07/2018 19:21

When I buy a gift the venue is irrelevant. The factors that influence how much effort and money I put into it is usually how good a friend they are and/or how generous their parents are. Most of my DC's friends are absolutely loaded but the most tightfisted people I've ever met.

ibblebibbledibble · 08/07/2018 19:23

You are awful. How appalling to give a child a smaller gift because their parents can’t afford. More expensive party. I’m actually completely shocked anybody would even consider this.

PurpleFlower1983 · 08/07/2018 19:27

YABU

choli · 08/07/2018 19:28

Does this rule apply to weddings too

At least the OP's DC will be ahead of the game at figuring out what cash present to give at an Irish Wedding.

Elementtree · 08/07/2018 19:31
Grin I think the ridiculousness of matching the present value to the venue is only matched by the ridiculousness of complaining about the value of a gift and deciding it is a reflection of the friendship.

I had no idea there were so many coded messages with regard to party gifts. Confused

PortiaCastis · 08/07/2018 19:32

Oh dearie me, you're one nasty judgemental erm person OP

raindropsandsunshine · 08/07/2018 19:34

It was really odd and unfair of her to message you with that. Very odd. However I don't buy presents like this. We buy what we think the child will like.

greencatbluecat · 08/07/2018 19:35

YABU. I always buy based on friendship. So close friends get better presents than others.

We often used to host the 'back garden' party you are talking about. Feedback I got from many kids was it was the best party they'd ever been to.

Barbie222 · 08/07/2018 19:37

This is the sort of rule I couldn't even begin to be bothered with in my head. I'd be avoiding you for future parties, as you seem to have decided that only rich people deserve nice presents.

Ithinkthatsenough · 08/07/2018 19:41

Ya both bu and thank god your kids arent in school with mine

sunnysky19 · 08/07/2018 19:41

Omg some of these comments are so funny to read in all their sour and rude content. Wow I knew Mumsnet can be ruthless but some people just come on here to offload from their miserable existence. If venting makes you feel good about your own lives then your in dire need of help on a daily basis, so I’m glad I could have been of service for you today!!

For those that criticised my parenting, or even for me being a parent, wow that’s below the belt and a lowlife would only go as far as that when you don’t know a person on a personal level. Who died and made you God?? You must be so disappointed and disheartened with your own parenting skills, this must be the only Ray of hope you get in life, to be able to put the entire attributes of a parent down from one single post, and finally feel like your not such a disgrace to your own DC after all!!!

Thank you for all the polite comments, I’m all for constructive criticism. I certainly see the strength in the opposition views and will most definitely take things on board here. These opinions were more of what I was expecting, some well mannered criticism that helps me see and learn from it, and I’m a firm believer in ‘You live and learn everyday’.

Thank you for those that agreed with me, it made the sad and angry venting keyboard warriors easier to bear. I suppose my thinking has been somewhat hindered with blindsided experience of only going for venues and knowing how it sets them back quite abit to ensure their DC have their once a year celebration!
Dear lord you would think I commit an act of terrorism!!

Made me laugh when I read out Tringleys, 80 - 100 people?? Glad you could use my post to BOAST about your expensive and event of the year function. Must have etched your pathetic ego up a couple of notches.

Some comments made no sense, calling me out for giving cheap presents £5-£10 for a house party and then saying that’s their set budget overall for present giving too. Does it matter that the budget was less than a venue present to YOU?? When the budget I use is deemed more than appropriate for yourselves??

Yes I agree some people pull out the stops for house parties and spend a lot. However I have little if any experience of that as I have always opted for venues for my DC, so for the love of Christ my present budgeting has been based on an assumption!! Although I see where I may be bias in my opinion. Anyways amazes me this has created such a huge ruckus over my personal budgeting. So really its between £5-£10 difference. God you would think from the comments I give a Poundland present to house party kids. However I do get what many have based on it being the parents personal preference or affordability and to just keep it at an equal balance which I now feel is the way forward for me.

For all those that had no choice but to use abusive language. Sorry to hear your lives are a mess and you cannot restrain yourselves. I hope it makes it more bearable for you to continue with your existence stress free for a day now that you have had your little rants!!!

Once again thank you on the most part for taking the time out to comment. I don’t regret posting, and just as equally I will not apologise for being patronising and abrupt in response to those that have made no difference to me at all today, I am generally very tolerant but some people need to know where their place is, if you had nothing well mannered or politely constructive to say then quite simply FO!! you have no right to slander anyone for posting a thread, no one in this world is perfect, and if putting someone else down makes you feel perfect for a little while then quite frankly you should pity yourselves, if that’s outlining your manners and the way you respond or that’s how you react to something as simple as this then you must be highly despised within the circles you move in.
I know Mumsnet is where all the muppets come running and one can’t expect to post on here and not attract ‘their’ attention, although even I was not expecting this thread to get as crazy and manic as it did.

OP posts:
notacooldad · 08/07/2018 19:46

To be honest I don't think the woman was wrong as you are all friends.
I think fair play to her, she is in a friendship group with you and has noticed an inequality. It would have eaten away at her forever if she hadn't said anything. Don't we encourage people to speak up on MN and say how they feel.

As for you treating the kids different. Shame on you.

wotsittoyou · 08/07/2018 19:46

Wow, you sound awful.

Mmmmmmmchips · 08/07/2018 19:47

YABU to think this in the first place
She is Bu to message you to compare

Ds has 2-3 really good friends
I spend more on them and the rest between £7-10 or presents that he has been given that he already has or he has told me he has no interest in

Snappedandfarted2018 · 08/07/2018 19:50

I think op when you post on the internet you open yourself to negative and positive comments and on that basis take it on the chin. I have to agree with the majority that the party venue really has no baring on how much is spent personally I spend what I can afford at the time.

Ohyesiam · 08/07/2018 19:52

You sound nice, I like how you changed your viewpoint.

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