To think kids birthday presents should reflect on venue?

[sunnysky19]

Background: My DD is very good friends with 2 girls at primary. Due to their friendship us 3 mothers have become close over the 2 yrs often meeting up for coffee or play dates etc.
All of us are in similar financial positions, homeowners, part time jobs, DH/DP working full time, only one has 2 DC. I have 3 DC and so does another.

Issue: one mums DD 3 months ago had a birthday party in one of those trampoline parks, I believe the cost was approx £16-£17 per head. The Present I gave was a popular toy and cost £13
2nd mum hosted her DD birthday last weekend in her back garden. Nothing fancy, no bouncy castle or extra entertainment etc. She discussed the plans with us beforehand so I knew. Asked to bring swimming gear for kids to use paddling pool + had a dancing musical statue game. Food was average, sandwiches, crisps, rolls etc. Pressie I gave was again a toy not as popular at £6.

Got a msg to thank me for coming and 2nd msg saying she was surprised that she regarded us being equal friends but didn't know I favoured the other mother with a LOL at the end of her msg. When I asked what she meant she went on to say, "oh nothing really, just that the pressies made her feel less valued, it's not about the pressies but the principles of fairness etc re the kids.
Had a little chat with her pointing out mother no1 splashed out for a fancy venue hence the present there.
So mother No2 just debated it's a personal choice with venues, both birthdays were of equal fun and enjoyment. DD is a guest regardless of venue and I shouldn't judge on it financially, but be fair to maintain good friendship without ill feelings. Also adding she didn't mind spending the money on a venue like last year but as the weather is lovely it seemed a waste to be indoors hence the garden party this year. So it's not her being petty and stingy.

I did apologise to her that she felt like that to keep the peace but AIBU to believe the presents given should reflect the cost of a do/venue, if it's a simple party a simple present would suffice and if it's a fancy party to increase the budget to reflect that or that they should be given equally in cases like this. Re equal friendships between kids... ??

Sorry it's so long but opinions would be appreciated so I could re-evaluate my principles here if I ABU.

From your OP.

The Present I gave was a popular toy and cost £13

if it's a simple party a simple present would suffice.

Pressie I gave was again a toy not as popular at £6.

The idea that if the party is simpler, a simple present would 'suffice', is not pleasant. You have been very defensive about the actual price of the presents which is not the issue. You genuinely seem to still view this as some sort of etiquette issue. Even your terminology in your last post is odd I assumed it was ok to up the price for a party within a more expensive setting OK by whom? The parents who didn't spend enough on their child's party?

I have no doubt that you didn't intend to 'punish' the child whose parents hosted the party at home but you deliberately chose a less appealing, less expensive gift. You made a value judgemnent and made it explicit. 2nd Mum, like most of us on here would have understood that judgement to be based on the value of the friendship. At least she now knows that you based it on the value of the venue ...

I give up!!! Hahahaha I had a biased opinion. I have learned from it as I have never discussed this before except with DH. I see a whole new side to my one sided biased opinion and still some people just don’t know when to give up!!!
I see why my friend felt the friendship was treated unequally, although her 6 year old DD loved her “My Little Pony’. I don’t feel my friend is greedy, or a bad person. She has many great attributes, it was more of her feeling less appreciated then the other friend as she realised I had spent less then half for her DD against what i did with the other friends child. We had a discussion about it we both put our points across. I apologised to keep the peace but was still of an opinion that It made sense to me and quite frankly it was on my mind so I asked if I was BU for assuming what I did.
So from now on my strict budget will be £10 for every kid, and if I am struggling to buy something decent as I do like the gift to be age appropriately educational or fun then will take my DH advice and just put a tenner in the card.
Sorry guys you have missed the bandwagon. This OP has long moved on!!

I’m sorry you are so lacking in class OP but hopefully this thread is a wake up moment for you. Good luck with bringing a better attitude to your life.

I think you are both BU.

Firstly the value of the present shouldn't be linked to how much dosh the parent throws at a party! They are brown friends with your child. It should be a round amount for each child regardless.

I also think it was a bit cheeky of the other mother to cal you out on it though! Makes me wonder how she knows what you spent on each child? I wouldn't dream of confronting someone about how much they spent on my child!

*both not brown lol!!! Waaaay too much sun for me today!

I spend a tenner all in so card, wrapping paper and present and I refuse to spend anymore. If parents want to shell out £20 per head as opposed to a fiver, that’s entirely up to them.

This woman sounds unhinged tbh and has far too much time on her hands to even consider weighing up costs of her kids birthday presents ffs.

cricketmum84 Makes me wonder how she knows what you spent on each child?

Because she and her dd were with the OP when she bought the first present - its in the thread.

Are you serious? What are you teaching your children here? Gift shouldn't be linked to venue at all. I'm genuinely baffled.

@Teggun ah that will teach me not to skim read!!

YABU because as has been pointed out the child should not be penalised or rewarded because of what their parents can afford / choose to spend on a party.

I see you’ve reflected upon this and considered what you’ve been doing but I’d reconsider this friendship. The woman had a bloody cheek to comment on this.

I’d reconsider this friendship. The woman had a bloody cheek to comment on this.

Given the specifics of this situation, I think the woman was right to ask. She was present when OP bought the 1st present so was inevitably fully awae of the price etc. Almost everyone on this thread has said that they have a 'standard' gift budget and then spend more on special / best friends. So, the OP's gift buying would make most people think she was making a conscious statement about the relative value of the friendships. In fact the OP wasn't ! If the 2nd mum hadn't asked a) the friendship would almost certainly have suffered and b) the OP would never have found out how odd her thinking was.

I feel sorry for the second child who was given the cheaper toy,how does that make her feel?second best!
I hope their friendship has not been affected.
The mum may have called you as her dd was upset and she was asking why you had done that to her child.
Pp was right,snobbish comes to mind op.
Imho you were absolutely unreasonable.

**JennyHolzersGhost

I’m sorry you are so lacking in class OP flowers but hopefully this thread is a wake up moment for you. Good luck with bringing a better attitude to your life.

I’m sorry you were brought up without any manners, here is hoping you learn some soon.
I have taken on board quite a bit thank you for your non genuine concern but Good luck with bringing genuine happiness into your life, without having to put others down to feel you are of a better class then them.

I never even consider what the party cost. I usually send jarmies as a gift. Kids awards need jarmies and it saves the mum's from having a house full of pink plastic crap.

Hmmm I usually just get a gift that I can afford at the time. Don't take into account how much a party costs. That's pretty weird.

I disagree with you op.
However I'm glad my friends are not like this parent as she is Batshit crazy.

I always budget around £10, regardless of child/venue. Over the last 2 years, it tends to be £10 in a card, my DS is now 8 & that seems to be the general way with boys. We have been to 1 soft play, 2 ice skating & 4 'home' parties this year. Now he is older, theres not so many parties & we arent able to accept every invite due to one of DSs activities. But i wouldn't give a lesser gift based on the child or venue.

She was v rude to comment on the price of the gift - for all she knew, you had financial struggles that you didn't have at the time of the other party. However, YABVU (and a bit odd) to base your choice of gift on how much you perceive the parents to have forked out on the party!? The one has no bearing on the other at all... the gift is for the CHILD, not the parents. Never heard of anyone thinking this way before.

I don't understand at all why you think where a party is held makes one iota of difference? It could be held in a garage, in McDonalds, in the park, or on the beach. What bloody difference does the location make????? Weird!

What if the party is at McDonalds but the presents are opened at home? Or what if the party is on the beach but opened in a carpark? Or held at an amusement park but opened at home?

I have just read the entire thread. OP you are coming across as increasingly unstable, erratic and aggressive with each reply you post. I have yet to see a post from anyone that deserves your level of off-the-scale vitriol.

You also to be totally incapable of understanding, still. It isn't about whether your budget is $5 (sorry, I'm Australian, my keyboard does not have the pound or whatever it is symbol) or $10. It is about the value you are placing on the parents finances. You still don't get it. You are very very aggressive and hyper defensive and clearly not taking in anything. Nothing you've posted has shown any remorse or an intent to learn.

TBH if I were you and thought like you, these posts would have shamed me into humiliation and embarrassment. If I were you, I would be shocked and ashamed of myself on finding out the real truth about my thought processes. I certainly wouldn't double down, like you have. You show no remorse whatsoever. You mentioned in one post about principles regarding how you think. Sorry but it seems to me you have no principles or values at all. None at all.
-cue the Linda Blairesque maniacal reply-

One of the reasons I hate kids parties, all this nonsense. For me, it's not the party venue it's the age of the child and the number of children going.
If it's a reception party and all children were invited, I would gift a book that cost in the region of £5. I don't have a lot of money and a young child receiving 30 small toys is quite crazy, so I always try to give something that can be enjoyed or passed on regardless of party type. As children get older and have smaller and smaller circles of friends and invites, I spend more. So later primary, probably £10 and senior school £15 (again depending on relationship-if a large friendship group and not terribly close then £10 in a card or a voucher)
I would never compare the value of parties in the way you have, we are all different and all have different incomes, and just because a child has a £18 per head party one year, doesn't mean they'll have the same the following year. And actually a party I held at home worked out to be very expensive. Aside from this, it's harder work for the parent who does one at home, to the one who turns up at a venue where it's all managed and contained (not being disrespectful- parties in the home are hard work)
So I would place my value of gift on age and relationship not what the parents had spent.
I'd be embarrassed if my children received £15 gifts very young. Once my 7 yr old was gifted a doll from a friend that cost £18, and I'd taken the child to the cinema and for tea so I felt embarrassed at this expenditure.

I give my best friends more expensive presents (£20) and less close friends £5/10. Same with kids. Their best friends we spend£12, less closefriends £7/8

You were both BU but she is also batshit and an entitled CF. HTH