To think kids birthday presents should reflect on venue?

[sunnysky19]

Background: My DD is very good friends with 2 girls at primary. Due to their friendship us 3 mothers have become close over the 2 yrs often meeting up for coffee or play dates etc.
All of us are in similar financial positions, homeowners, part time jobs, DH/DP working full time, only one has 2 DC. I have 3 DC and so does another.

Issue: one mums DD 3 months ago had a birthday party in one of those trampoline parks, I believe the cost was approx £16-£17 per head. The Present I gave was a popular toy and cost £13
2nd mum hosted her DD birthday last weekend in her back garden. Nothing fancy, no bouncy castle or extra entertainment etc. She discussed the plans with us beforehand so I knew. Asked to bring swimming gear for kids to use paddling pool + had a dancing musical statue game. Food was average, sandwiches, crisps, rolls etc. Pressie I gave was again a toy not as popular at £6.

Got a msg to thank me for coming and 2nd msg saying she was surprised that she regarded us being equal friends but didn't know I favoured the other mother with a LOL at the end of her msg. When I asked what she meant she went on to say, "oh nothing really, just that the pressies made her feel less valued, it's not about the pressies but the principles of fairness etc re the kids.
Had a little chat with her pointing out mother no1 splashed out for a fancy venue hence the present there.
So mother No2 just debated it's a personal choice with venues, both birthdays were of equal fun and enjoyment. DD is a guest regardless of venue and I shouldn't judge on it financially, but be fair to maintain good friendship without ill feelings. Also adding she didn't mind spending the money on a venue like last year but as the weather is lovely it seemed a waste to be indoors hence the garden party this year. So it's not her being petty and stingy.

I did apologise to her that she felt like that to keep the peace but AIBU to believe the presents given should reflect the cost of a do/venue, if it's a simple party a simple present would suffice and if it's a fancy party to increase the budget to reflect that or that they should be given equally in cases like this. Re equal friendships between kids... ??

Sorry it's so long but opinions would be appreciated so I could re-evaluate my principles here if I ABU.

Daily Mail fodder

Whilst I agree it is pretty 'off' for the 2nd mum to query the cost of the present, pps seem to have missed the part where OP says that this mum and her dd were shopping with OP and dd when party gift 1 was bought. So she could hardly fail to know the cost of the (more expensive) present. In turn her dd receives a discounted toy that she knows to have cost £6. Quite correctly this mum thought OP was making a point. It didnt occur to her that it was connected with the apparent cost of the party (because it wouldn't have crossed her mind). Understandably the mum thought OP was making a point about the value of the friendship (which is how most people budget their present buying).
If,As OP says she wasn't reflecting less favourably on the friendship it is just as well the question was raised.

OP has accepted that she is out of sync with the majority but doesn't seem to grasp the inequity in her thinking that results in a child whose parents spend more, receives more ..??!!

It’s not the cost of the present it’s the fact you deliberately chose to penalise one of the children for having a cheaper party. It would be different if you’d paid different amounts because of cash flow problems or because you’d found things that the kids would really really love at those respective prices but that isn’t what you did. What you did is go ‘unless you spend on my DD I won’t spend on your DD’ which is petty and mean spirited. I give everyone the same amount for their presents except for DDs two best friends who both get a slightly bigger present regardless of the event.

How weird!! I would never have thought of that! For me it's always been based on friendship. Around a tenner. A bit more for a closer friend (as far as my child is concerned). 15quids approx for the child of a friend.
The gifts must have been pretty obviously 'unequal' to be spotted as I wouldn't know what most gifts are worth. If the kids are close that does look a bit odd to be honest.

I would never query the value of a present.

That to me displays hugely worse manners than whatever factors are used to calculate how much to spend on the present in the first place.

Op, you’re getting a lot of stick. I don’t agree with you, but neither do I think you deserve this vitriol.

I would never have thought the venue would have affected present choice.

We budget c. £10 for all parties regardless.

What an unpleasant and materialistic way to look at things on both your parts!

Calm down, Mrs Bucket...

The gifts must have been pretty obviously 'unequal' to be spotted as I wouldn't know what most gifts are worth.
The 2nd mum and her dd were actually with OP when she bought the 1st, more expensive present. The cheaper present was on discount in 2nd Mum's local Asda

Some comments made no sense, calling me out for giving cheap presents £5-£10 for a house party and then saying that’s their set budget overall for present giving too. Does it matter that the budget was less than a venue present to YOU??
You really haven't grasped the point here have you, even after 13 pages? It's not about what amount 'should' be spent on a present, for any particular venue, or how the amount YOU spend compares with what anyone else spends. IT'S ABOUT TREATING YOUR DD'S 2 FRIENDS CONSISTENTLY, RATHER THAN ASSESSING WHAT THEY'RE OWED BASED ON WHAT THEIR PARENTS SPENT ON A PARTY. The fact that someone else spends £5 on each present they buy does not make them less than you, it makes them fairer.
It's really quite worrying that you don't understand how materialistic you're being, still.
If I'd been the parent with the garden party, I'd probably have asked you privately if you were having some financial problems, as that'd be the only good reason for the choices you made!

But the child felt less valued as a result of your actions. The present reflects the value you place on the fruendshios between the CHILDREN, irrespective of fancy venues or in a garden.

YABU.

Yabu, if someone invites my child into their home I do not belittle that by giving a cheaper present. Outside venues are often for whole class parties or half the class. Home parties around here tend to be for 3 or 4 close friends. I would give a close friend a present at the top end of my party budget.

She, however, was being very rude. There is nothing wrong with a present that cost £6. Even if it cost 50p she should say 'thank you' not 'this is a cheap present'. Rude and awful woman. I would not give her any more gifts.

Teggun - ah fair enough :)
Ha well then everyone is odd in my view - OP for spending based on venue and friend for questioning it!

YABU.

In essence you are saying that the more money a parent is prepared to / able to spend on a party the more the child should receive.

I suppose its just another way of reinforcing privilege and ensuring those un lesser financial situations feel less valued than their peers ..

What an unpleasant philosophy

How very dreadful.

I would decide how much to spend by thinking about how close I was to someone, I'd never consider the venue? That's really weird, actually quite awful.

You are both BU.
You are both quite rude.

Ps.. I do not care what anyone gives my DC as presents it quite frankly doesn’t affect me. NOWHERE in my post or comments have I said about reflecting gifts based on what my DC have received, so those of you who just love to put your nasty little minds into action, twist a whole post around and add your own spice into the mix can Quite frankly FO. Like I said in one of my comments, my DS friend gave him a pair of socks last year, my DS took him a present within my set budget and his friend will continue to be invited. I swear with all my kids I don’t even remember what each person gave, only reason I remember the socks is because it made me laugh, an odd choice for a present!! I don’t do tit for tat. I did not even think of that, but those who have commented that have just shown their own mindset up!! Just because I have a budget based on AS I PREVIOUSLY ADMIT a biased view, I assumed it was ok to up the price for a party within a more expensive setting.
This has nothing to do with penalising or punishing children who have parties at home. £5-£10 budget which MANY people have said and agreed is the going rate is what they get. Not a tacky or Poundland present. FFs.

YABVVVVU to buy presents based on venue.

Your friend was U to call you out.

YABBU

OP bet you have a spreadsheet of cost breakdowns next to average spends per child too 😂

YABU, no one bases the cost of a gift based on the venue. That’s super wierd. You budget must have an upper limit - what if a party was held in a nice hotel?

I also suspect your friendship with this mother will somewhat change. The ‘lol’ at the end of the message is sarcasm she is trying to mask without actually saying what she wants to - ‘wtaf’. Sorry - not what you want to hear.

You are both being very unreasonable. Your friend was very rude to mention it, but to base the value of a present on the venue is odd! I base present value on my son's friendship with the birthday child...

Expensive present if the venue costs a lot to hire v cheapo pressie if a diy party is thrown.
It's an interesting concept but logically, I'd have thought the opposite would make more sense if you're trying to quantify it in some way. I'd suggest that hosting a party at home is a massive undertaking and ( in my experience) physically very draining so surely my child (in lieu of me) would warrant a nicer present because the parents have put lots of blood, sweat and tears into hosting a party rather than simply turning up and proffering a credit card.

My D.C. have always enjoyed attending birthday parties, wherever they've been hosted and anecdotally, the parents who hire venues are usually the ones who are very apologetic that they've not put more personal effort into organising the event, in my limited experience.

However, in reality, I do as most others on this thread and simply stick to a standard budget for all the friends equally.

One final comment if I may? One aspect of this present giving lark that does irk me very slightly, is that DC attends a religious school (lack of choice locally) and we pay out much more in presents to friends related to attending confirmation, first communion etc. that won't ever be reciprocated for my DC, but c'est la vie!

I think it’s pretty healthy for the other Mum to question why her DD received a cheaper gift as she would have been stewing over that forever and your friendship could have drifted. Better to be honest with each other and it’s good she was imo. It gave you the opportunity to be honest back and talk about it like adults.

With regards to the present value, 100% you should have treated them the same regardless of how much each party “cost”. The present isn’t the entrance fee...

The present isn't the entrance fee... 😂

And in hindsight the friend was on the money questioning it as the OP’s reasons were very bizarre!