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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let niece (16) have sex

250 replies

upsideup · 08/07/2018 11:29

16 year old niece and her boyfriend who dont live in the UK are coming to stay here with us for for a few weeks during summer. BiL has said that we need to make sure they dont sleep together so different bedrooms,not letting them be alone together with the door closed and not leaving them at home in the day.

Obviously if they don't want to and want to sleep in different rooms then thats fine but I was planning on them being in the same room and they are both 16 so can legally have sex if they want to, I'm fine with that and think they should be allowed to.

So AIBU to just let them do what they want but not tell BiL that? doubt there is any chance niece would be going home to tell him if they did anything anyway.
Or should I tell BiL that I'm not prepared to do that so he can decide not to send her?

OP posts:
pissedonatrain · 08/07/2018 13:43

@squeelof1

lol pretty much. Teen boys are all about doing the deed.

In this case, I would have the niece come by herself and enjoy some fun times together. No need for a teen bf to be tagging along.

funinthesun18 · 08/07/2018 13:44

I would tell him your views/preferences and then it’s up to him whether he sends them to you or not.

BolleauxtoBankers · 08/07/2018 13:47

Ask your BIL to come and chaperone his daughter himself, or to pay for a chaperone, as it's not your job since you have your own children to look after and you're pregnant. Or say you can't comply with his requirements and that you can only accept his daughter and not her boy-friend, to stay with you.

Pengggwn · 08/07/2018 13:51

You are MASSIVELY over-stepping. If you don't feel able to support your BIL's parenting choice (that he doesn't want his DD sharing a room with a BF) then you need to tell him you aren't happy with this condition and to either keep his DD at home, or accept that you will be letting her share a room.

MsPavlichenko · 08/07/2018 14:05

I think that separate rooms is one thing, asking you to police them is something else re closed doors , not leaving them alone is something else. Presumably you will have other things to do during their stay, and if you are working it seems unlikely you can put them out of the house all day.

I'd toss it back to your BIL, agreeing to the rooms, but explaining you can't be with them all the time. He has agreed to them holidaying together so it is up to him to lay down rules etc with your DN, and is she's not happy she can take it up with him ahead of the visit, and you are kept out of the crossfire.

SerenDippitty · 08/07/2018 14:07

I had sex at 16 with a boyfriend and am glad I did. 16 is not too young to have sex. So many on here treat older teenagers as if they were little kids.

Good for you. But all 16 year olds are not the same. I certainly was not ready for a sexual relationship at 16.

LassWiADelicateAir · 08/07/2018 14:11

melodybirds

If your bil is very strict I'd talk to her about contraception ect. Can you imagine if she got pregnant while staying at yours

100% agreed. I can't imagine her father would give much support or advice beyond abstinence.

LassWiADelicateAir · 08/07/2018 14:15

I find it a bit strange calling a 16 year old a child. At 16 you can get married

ONLY with a parents' consent

No parental consent needed in Scotland.

RedPanda2
Ask your niece what she wants

6 word reply and says all that need be said.

NeedAUsernameGenerator · 08/07/2018 14:16

Is it just me or does it seem a bit intense for a 16 year old couple to take a 3 week holiday together? I certainly wouldn't have been ready for that at that age emotionally speaking. Sex aside it just seems like too much too soon.

On the main issue I would agree that you should be upfront with BIL if you can't/won't accomodate his request.

Moussemoose · 08/07/2018 14:16

Absolutely nobody's business but hers.

noeffingidea · 08/07/2018 14:19

In this case I would have the niece come by herself and have enjoy some fun times together. No need for a teen bf to be tagging along
Lol, I think the niece might disagree there.

WhiteCat1704 · 08/07/2018 14:24

She will have sex if she wants to...16 is not a child anymore..

Your BIL is BU to try to make you police this..as you have 0 chance of stopping them unless you are there 24/7

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/07/2018 14:26

I feel a bit odd about calling a 16 year old a child
Tricky age. Not a child. Not legally an adult.

I’m surprised your niece doesn’t want to be with your family at that age as it sounds as if you children are different ages and she could have some fun with them. Dh’s niece came to us from the age of 13-16 every year in the summer. She used to hang around with a girl down the road some of the time.

Want2bSupermum · 08/07/2018 14:27

happypoobum Bet my bottom dollar the father is putting their own money towards this trip either in part or Whole. It's now very hard for under 18s to have a job making their own money. Also, if the DD is living under her fathers roof she needs to respect his rules.

Anyway, I'm really happy my father as a single parent talked to us about relationships. He rarely talked about sex per se except to talk about the importance of contraception and how it can fail. Thankfully he had those talks with us because I'm extremely fertile having had 3 DC while using birth control. DH has had a vasectomy and I'm still concerned about getting pregnant because I've not recovered from my 3 surprises.

wendywoopywoo222 · 08/07/2018 14:42

Best to tell him your plans so he can make alternative arrangements for his child.

WhiteCat1704 · 08/07/2018 14:44

It's now very hard for under 18s to have a job making their own money.

That's not true. Places like McDonalds and KFCs take teens on with flexibile hours with no issues.

greenlynx · 08/07/2018 14:59

He asked to put them in different rooms, it’s reasonable request if you have 2 spare rooms, if not , you need to check with your niece , she might not want to share with younger children.
Could be that her father allowed them to go together because he wanted her to be with someone while traveling? It doesn’t make him hypocrite , he just thinks it’s safer this way.
I would also tell him that you won’t be able to control them all the time, it’s just not practical, even if you agree to do this!

Pengggwn · 08/07/2018 16:11

16 isn't a child, no, but it is - almost always - a person still in the charge of a parent. There is no legal obstacle to them having sex, but that isn't the issue. If they are still under the authority of a parent there are things the parent can stop them from doing, whether or not they are legal.

I'm imagining my DD in 15 years or so, telling me of course she can go on holiday with her friends. She's not breaking the law.

No, love, you're not breaking the law. That doesn't mean you're not breaking my rules.

rainingcatsanddog · 08/07/2018 16:23

Does the room have 2 singles or a double? 2 singles won't stop people determined to have sex but a double might mean more sex happens than if they were in single beds or different rooms.

9amTrain · 08/07/2018 16:31

I don't think the bed setup matters if the only difference is the amount it would happen!! Grin

nanettenanoo · 08/07/2018 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

corythatwas · 08/07/2018 17:00

You are MASSIVELY over-stepping. If you don't feel able to support your BIL's parenting choice (that he doesn't want his DD sharing a room with a BF) then you need to tell him you aren't happy with this condition and to either keep his DD at home, or accept that you will be letting her share a room.

This. Perfectly reasonable to tell him that you are not prepared to take on the job he is asking of you. But pretending to take it on and then going behind his back because you have decided you know better than him how his child should be parented, totally not on.

DownstairsMixUp · 08/07/2018 17:11

Anyone else hate it when someone from Scotland comes along and says "not in Scotland" the op would of mentioned if they were Scottish, so irrelevant and weird to even mention that.

In reply to op if you can't go by your bil rules don't have her.

Ginger1982 · 08/07/2018 17:14

Whether BIL is being an idiot is irrelevant. He has told you what he expects and you shouldn't go against that. How would you feel if the situation was reversed (not about sex obviously as you clearly have no issue with that)?

crunchymint · 08/07/2018 17:25

Lots of teenage girls are also horny you know.