Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let niece (16) have sex

250 replies

upsideup · 08/07/2018 11:29

16 year old niece and her boyfriend who dont live in the UK are coming to stay here with us for for a few weeks during summer. BiL has said that we need to make sure they dont sleep together so different bedrooms,not letting them be alone together with the door closed and not leaving them at home in the day.

Obviously if they don't want to and want to sleep in different rooms then thats fine but I was planning on them being in the same room and they are both 16 so can legally have sex if they want to, I'm fine with that and think they should be allowed to.

So AIBU to just let them do what they want but not tell BiL that? doubt there is any chance niece would be going home to tell him if they did anything anyway.
Or should I tell BiL that I'm not prepared to do that so he can decide not to send her?

OP posts:
ChickensError · 08/07/2018 17:28

This is madness. Is she adult that lives on her own and supports herself? Thought not. Of course her parents get a say in what rules she follows. It doesn't matter if she's a boy or girl I wouldn't send my teen to stay if they were sharing a room with a boyfriend/girlfriend. Just because it's not illegal doesn't make it advisable. If anyone's being controlling it's the OP in purposefully trying flaunt the rules her parents have set out.

crunchymint · 08/07/2018 17:32

There are 30 year olds not living on their own and supporting themselves.
Honestly I am amazed yet again by how controlling some parents are.

LassWiADelicateAir · 08/07/2018 17:54

Anyone else hate it when someone from Scotland comes along and says "not in Scotland" the op would of mentioned if they were Scottish, so irrelevant and weird to even mention that

Not irrelevant at all. Just an an example of how incorrect the "she is not an adult" brigade are. There are posters on here who have this idea there is some magical age whereby one becomes an adult.

There isn't- children acquire rights (and responsibilities) at various ages for various purposes yet posters still confidently proclaim that "she's still a child" as if that entitles her father to dictate and control in the way he's trying to do.

LassWiADelicateAir · 08/07/2018 17:58

Is she adult that lives on her own and supports herself? Thought not. Of course her parents get a say in what rules she follows

What nonsense. Her parents have no business to dictate rules other than in relation to any behavior specifically happening in their own house. Fine to say "no shagging in here , no smoking in here , take your shoes off before you come in" - otherwise none of their business.

crunchymint · 08/07/2018 18:01

Gretna Green exists because it was the first place young couples could get to from England and get married without their parent's consent.

And trying to dictate as a parent that a 16 year old should not have sex, is controlling. It is fine to check a 16 year old is not being coerced into sex. But that is not what is happening here.

ChickensError · 08/07/2018 18:04

How many times have the mums of teens come on here bemoaning teens who don't study etc to be told just shut the WiFi off or take their devices away. Of course you parent a 16 year old. A baby or an abortion at 16 could be life changing. It could also be life changing for a grandparent who ends up raising that child. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Justtheonequestion · 08/07/2018 18:05

And when she goes home pregnant?
To whomever said the BIL was creepy, er no, just protecting his dd.
Its creepy to underhandedly let a kid who isnt yours have sex when you know their parent is concerned enough to ask you not to.

duckfuckduck · 08/07/2018 18:07

I think you need to be honest with your BIL and tell him you aren't prepared to do what he wants and put the ball back in his court. Your niece is in that funny space of not an adult but old enough to consent and I personally wouldn't want the risk of her going home pregnant on my watch.

MissP103 · 08/07/2018 18:11

Oh please. A 16 yo may be over the consent age but is no where near being an adult. All big and mighty but will be crying and freaked out if they do become pregnant. She might want to act like an adult but she is a child.

DistanceCall · 08/07/2018 18:13

A 16 yo may be over the consent age but is no where near being an adult. All big and mighty but will be crying and freaked out if they do become pregnant.

That's why condoms were invented.

ChickensError · 08/07/2018 18:23

"That's why condoms were invented."

And how many full grown women do we have on here who haven't managed contraception including condoms properly and end up with an oops baby? These kids are 16 so if they do make a baby either the state is picking up the tab or the parents are. Absolute rubbish that this only the concern of a 16 year old.

LassWiADelicateAir · 08/07/2018 18:29

A sensible, caring parent would have a discussion about contraception, sexual health, consent, coercion and about only having sex when their son or daughter is ready for it.

A sensible, caring parent does not lay down ridiculous diktats such as they must never be left alone together.

henpeckedinchief · 08/07/2018 18:31

Why is your BIL being so weird about it? She's 16 - it's her decision, not his! He's entitled to have his own rules for his own house but he's not entitled to control her behaviour when she is elsewhere.

I would tell your BIL that you don't feel comfortable controlling your niece's behaviour in that way and that she can choose what she wants to do while she's with you. He needs push back against his behaviour really because he's being really weird and unreasonable.

DistanceCall · 08/07/2018 18:52

And how many full grown women do we have on here who haven't managed contraception including condoms properly and end up with an oops baby?

Morning after pill. Abortion.

As you say, it's a risk all human being who have sexual relationships face. At 16, she can legally give her consent to have sex, and her family can't stop her (other than to tell her that not under their roof).

Slanetylor · 08/07/2018 18:55

I’d be happy to have her. Not him.
I think 16 is very young to have a boyfriend that holidays with you. I’m a bit old fashioned about sex too. I think you can have sex, when you can organise contraception, doctors visits, are able to have a satisfying sex life, have worked through your thoughts on abortion and have enough money to look after your sexual health. 16 year olds don’t always have the maturity.

DistanceCall · 08/07/2018 18:55

And yes, a 16-year-old has a right to her bodily autonomy and to her sexuality.

Their parents' responsibility is to make sure that she is able to make safe choices and that she is aware of what could happen if things go wrong. Not to enforce celibacy (which is rather difficult unless you live somewhere like Saudi Arabia. And not even then).

Metoodear · 08/07/2018 18:57

Slanetylor

Amen to that

Sleepyblueocean · 08/07/2018 19:06

I would just say he is not staying with you.
Whether they are having sex or not, they don't share a room at the moment and I wouldn't want the responsibility of that in my house

Original poster
upsideup · 08/07/2018 19:09

I'm going to talk to my niece first and if she wants to be in seperate bedroom then thats fine, two of mine can share. If she says she would like to share a room with her bf when here then I will probably tell BiL that whiles shes here I won't be preventing them from being alone or doing anything together so he can then make the decision to not send her.

OP posts:
BolleauxtoBankers · 08/07/2018 19:11

Why isn't it possible for your niece to come to stay with you but without her boyfriend, OP? You don't even seem to consider that an option?

ThomasNightingale · 08/07/2018 19:37

If my thirteen year old DD goes off to Italy on a school trip then would it be hugely controlling, creepy and unreasonable for me to expect her to be prevented from having perfectly legal sex with her classmates?

SixSquared · 08/07/2018 19:44

Change this slightly- on a sixth form trip would you be happy with a teacher letting boys and girls sleep together?

diddl · 08/07/2018 19:47

I does seem odd that if BIL is so concerned that they don't have sex, but is allowing the to travel/holiday together!

TattyTshirt · 08/07/2018 19:48

YABU to accept your nieces dad's instructions and then flout them.

YANBU to not be able to agree to keep constant watch over 2x16 year olds.

Your bil is unreasonable to expect anyone to constantly be with 16 year olds in a relationship.

In your shoes I would tell him I have a room for your niece but not for her boyfriend. I couldn't deal with the hassle tbh.

I have a 16 year old. I wouldn't put this burden on anyone. Jeez... what if she became pregnant whist staying at yours? Your BIL would constantly be after your blood! Not worth the hassle 😳

diddl · 08/07/2018 19:50

What does your OH think Op?

(BIL's sibling?)

Swipe left for the next trending thread