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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A favour from an unpaid lodger gone wrong

186 replies

craxmum · 08/07/2018 10:48

Hello everyone.
Disclaimer: I am really bad at reading people's emotions and intentions (think Sheldon Cooper level of people skills), thus this topic.
The situation: A good friend asked me to house temporarily her close relatives (a couple), who found themselves in a tough situation and are, for valid reasons, unable to rent anywhere at the moment. I had a free room, so said no problem. The agreement was that they don't pay anything, but will help with minor errands around the house (the girl works occasional cleaning jobs at the moment and the guy works cash in hand at the construction site). I am usually out of my breath with two small children and a full-time job, so I thought it would be great if someone could, say, accept a delivery or unload the dishwasher.
After a month (after no offers from help from their side, and generally being very awkward), I thought I'd make a move and asked the guy if he could hang two shelves for me in the utility room. He said sure, no problem. I showed the approximate level I want them to be at. And then came home to this.
I am not quite how to take this? As "f**k off and don't ask me for favours anymore"? A bit lost. The issue is not with the shelves - I can get a handyman in to fix this - but with the message behind it.

A favour from an unpaid lodger gone wrong
OP posts:
TattyTshirt · 08/07/2018 16:05

The Home Office is not supposed to "house" anyone, they can only confirm if someone has an active leave to remain

Which they can't. Up to you really...

Delatron · 08/07/2018 16:08

I have no idea why you would let two strangers in to your home and around your children for months and months. For free!

Get them out asap. Your friend should never have asked you either.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/07/2018 16:09

Tatty
He will struggle to find a place to rent. He is paid cash in hand and it doesn’t look like he has a bank account so his wife not being legally recognised is only one hurdle.

This is a good point op. He has no bank account and no proof of earnings. Even if she gets legal recognition, how the hell do they ever expect to rent somewhere? They’d be looking at digs or renting from a rogue landlord at best. And a rogue landlord probably wouldn't care about her legal status.

I don’t believe they have any intention of looking for a place to live actually. I think you’ve been mugged off.

theWarOnPeace · 08/07/2018 16:12

The fact that they’ve taken the absolute piss out of you, plus avoid paying tax and are wishing to stay on the UK, make me feel that there’s absolutely no moral obligation to give them a weeks notice. Give them 48hrs and tell them exactly why. I have had friends staying for free for long periods before, but they have never taken the piss. Ever. How can they do this to you? They’re awful people, really awful and entitled bastards.

TattyTshirt · 08/07/2018 17:13

He will struggle to find a place to rent. He is paid cash in hand and it doesn’t look like he has a bank account so his wife not being legally recognised is only one hurdle

Exactly! Makes me wonder how long they will expect to scrounge from OP. But seeing as OP seems to be defending them there is no point in posting further.

AIBU? Yes.
OP No I'm not
.... Okay.. 🤷‍♀️

hmmwhatatodo · 08/07/2018 17:48

Where were they living before?
I understand you don’t feel able to just kick them out but I’m surprised at how relaxed they have been considering you are their last hope. When exactly did you plan to have them till?
I wonder if you could just ask him when he gets back why he put the shelves up like that. See what his response is and take it from there? Can you ask the girl to start doing the cooking from now and ask him to hoover/clean/whatever so they know you’re getting fed up?

glintandglide · 08/07/2018 18:07

OP you sound really nice. His shelves are crap Confused I would have a chat with them and lay down some rules for the rest of July, maybe review it then. I mean if you kick them out they have nowhere to go and you were fine with them until shelf gate so I don’t think 2 more weeks is a big deal

BabyPigeon83 · 08/07/2018 18:15

It seems many do not understand how it feels to be in debt to someone, a good old friend in this case, who was able and willing to pull some strings so that a loved one has two more years to live.
I know that I would be forever in debt and grateful if someone did that for my 82 years old grandmother who died of cancer 6 years ago in a country governed by the same "rules" as explained by OP (doctors sent us home and told us to let them know when she needed morphine).
Of course I would help this friend in return if I could, in this case the OP is helping her sister in a hard situation (so indirectly her friend), and it seems she can afford it too.
I think OP is a good person and friend, but there is a clear need for a very open discussion about the chores they are expected to do around the house. This can be an awkward discussion, but they have to keep their end of the deal: they don't pay rent but they have to help around the house.

longwayoff · 08/07/2018 18:16

No hmmwhat, these are the kind of people who'd pee in the soup and laugh about it.

rosamundhopelovesdogs123 · 08/07/2018 18:21

This is why they have no other options.
OP, I have been in your situation; I've had years of offering free/cheap accommodation to strangers who are having a hard time (in return for helping me around the house). Guess what, they hardly ever do!
In fact, the more you help these sort of people, the more they will resent you. Meanwhile, I've instructed my executors to engrave
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
on my gravestone!

whatifI · 08/07/2018 18:21

OP you need to speak to your friend and explain why having her relatives staying in your house is no longer working for.
Tell her the truth and show her the shelves.
If she is a true friend she will understand and you can tell them that their time is up as CF free loaders lodgers is up and that they need to leave.
You no longer owe your friend anything as you have paid back for everything she did for you.

Who is paying for their food? Are they making any contribution towards living in your house?

rosamundhopelovesdogs123 · 08/07/2018 18:47

Recently I was in a similar situation when a friend asked if someone could stay in my (unused because I was soon completing on the house) annexe for 2 weeks as completion had been delayed on the property she was about to move into. As she had 3 dogs she couldn't find anywhere. So I said yes. A grudging thanks, no box of chocolates, bottle of wine, meanwhile she invited her family over at w/ends and they took over my garden and pool. Left the place in a mess. Lesson learnt! No good deed etc etc.

PerfectSunflowers · 08/07/2018 19:23

It doesn't take a month to find / order a new marriage certificate and take it to get the visa sorted... they are free loaders.

It was INSANE to take them in to begin with. Get them out!

TheMagnificentEthel · 08/07/2018 22:16

PerfectSunflowers

You’ve clearly never dealt with the visa office. To be seen in person is around three grand. For any postal correspondence they have about 6 weeks to acknowledge receipt, then can take 6-9 months to respond.

It’s deliberate, to encourage applicants to give up and piss off.

Original poster
craxmum · 08/07/2018 22:43

Spoke to the guy. He was quite defensive / rude (it felt like it was more about his own wife than me), then took his rucksack and left, slamming the door. I hear the girl sobbing quite loudly now in their room, it looks like they had a big fight. Most likely, my shelves just got caught in a crossfire.
Will wait it out and venture upstairs with a bottle of sherry or something.

OP posts:
hmmwhatatodo · 08/07/2018 23:00

Wow, what was his reason for putting the shelves up like that? They should be tiptoeing around you given their circumstances, not arguing and marching off in a bad mood. I think I’d be calling your friend to say you’d had enough now.

LaContessaDiPlump · 08/07/2018 23:06

I don't think I'd be adding alcohol to the situation, if you want to be able to choose words carefully! Tea maybe?

Ellisandra · 08/07/2018 23:13

I wouldn’t take her Sherry or tea!
Why would you?
She’s been just as piss takingly lazy as him!

AmericanEskimoDoge · 08/07/2018 23:16

...So now they're fighting and you're getting caught in the middle? Extremely uncomfortable and awkward for you and your children! Yes, maybe your friend needs to step in and help calm things down (at the very least).

Tara12 · 08/07/2018 23:28

So you owe her a favour... but HIM? No, one of them should be paying you, they sound like bell ends to me. Look at that effing shelf! What a total twat!

Original poster
craxmum · 08/07/2018 23:29

@LaContessaDiPlump
I did not mean for myself, for her. But I am socially inept, the shelves conversation I could manage, consoling someone who has (as it seems) just been dumped is beyond my abilities.

OP posts:
Jghijjjoo · 08/07/2018 23:31

Are they fighting because they've been asked to leave and she's annoyed about the shelf being the reason?

Original poster
craxmum · 08/07/2018 23:47

@Jghijjjoo

No, they were fighting even before the DIY topic was brought up by me. I think now the shelf project was a parting gift from the guy, and he planned to leave anyway.

OP posts:
Lemonlady22 · 09/07/2018 00:03

are you nurses from the Phillipines?.....sounds familiar to some of the nurses i know... He is not self employed, he is cash in hand which is totally different, he has no bank account ? why?....is he supposed to be here?...sounds like hes on the run for some reason...is he wanted is his own country? it all sounds dodgy to me, they are hiding from something imo

ciderhouserules · 09/07/2018 08:41

So he's left her, and your house?

Sounds like that is a good solution! You get rid of a freeloading stranger, and she can get her own visa sorted (she has rights to stay, yes? And he doesn't? Hmm)

Would you be willing to let her stay if he leaves permanently? After all, he is the stranger, and the CF workshy bodger.

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