to think that my sexual history isn't my partner's business?

[Drangoli]

I haven't slept with many people. I'm clean and was STI checked before I slept with DP (of 2+ years). I did have a fling a few years ago with someone we both know (not someone either of us ever speak to and he only knows them as an acquaintance). We are never going to see this person again, and I will never speak to them again. DP has asked me about my sexual history and who I have slept with. I found this to be incredibly invasive and didn't tell him who, just a rough number. AIBU to think that my past is exactly that, my past? Or is film disclosure a thing and should I tell him about everyone I have been with, even if it involves once being the OW and other things I did when I was young and not proud of?

*full disclosure

Your sexual history is no one elses business whatsoever.

Don’t agree at all my husband tri d this shit I think
Being with some one is about be honest about past relationships and tbh people who don’t want to disclose are usually ashamed with means the number is huge

I have slept with 8 people however if I slept with 80 people I may not want to say

No, it's not anybody else's business.

However, DH and I purposely have built a relationship without any secrets. You can ask any question and an honest answer is expected. Partners/numbers included - so we have both asked and we do both know.

It's what works for you as a couple that is important here. We wouldn't work if either of us felt there was something the other was unwilling to disclose. This may not be the case for your relationship, and that is totally fine too.

Personally I wouldn’t be with anyone who wasn’t honest about their past relationships that includes sexual history

None of his business, it sounds like he’s digging to judge you on it. If it comes up in discussion and you’re both happy disclosing purely out of interest then that’s fine, as long as you both have the attitude that what someone’s done in the past has no bearing on the current relationship or them as a person. but someone demanding to know is out of order. When you say you’ll never speak to the person again that you had a fling with, is that because your husband encouraged you not to?

My dh doesn’t know my sexual history, we’ve been together nearly 20 years and to be fair it’s none of his business. My past is my own and I am allowed my own privacy.
I enjoyed my late teens and early 20s let’s just say
He does know about a couple of serious relationships I had before him as we’ve obviously talked about them but he doesn’t know my ‘number’ and I wouldn’t tell him even if he asked.
I don’t know his either.

@Johnnyfinland he just isn't a part of our lives. I have no idea anything about him anymore and nor does DP. He's just one of those people we both used to know.

The past is nobody else's business unless you choose to tell them. I have been sexual active since I was 16 in 1971 (not continuously there were gaps). I married DH in 2007, there is no way I was going to trawl through all that time. I had been celibate for a year and a half before we got together and have been faithful, that's all that matters.

there's a difference between a husband and a new partner, if a new partner wanted to know so that he had all the facts before he went right ahead and judged, that would turn me off quicker than a bucket of cold sick.

Oh, and I found telling DH all the things I wasn't proud of really liberating. I cheated, I had too many one night stands to count, I had STDs. I was a totally irresponsible teenager/uni student.

To quote Woke Charlotte, I'm not a Madonna and I'm not a whore. I'm your wife.

Me and exdp disclosed everyone we'd slept with, and me and dp I don't think have spoke about numbers, but we have seen someone out, or will be telling a story from years ago and will say I slept with that person. It doesn't bother either of us, we are in our late 30's/early 40's so have a history. We can't change the past, normally it's said along with a 'looking back I can't believe I did, but at the time I thought they were the bees knees' type of thing.

It's our past that makes us who we are now, why be ashamed of it?

I found this to be incredibly invasive

I find this a bit odd. He's your partner! Do you have lots of secrets from each other?

I don’t think it’s any of his business

Oh, seems I'm in the minority. Nevermind!

I just don't know what difference it would make other than he would be able to judge me for certain things. It doesn't change me, or our relationship. I don't feel the need to know about his past (nor do I want to know!).

I think it's natural to be curious about someone's past. If I'd paid more attention to what a then-boyfriend was telling me about his sexual history, I might have realised sooner what his patterns of behaviour were like, and split up with him sooner. But no-one has a right to push for information that you don't want to give.

I've been with my DH for 12 years and we don't know each other's numbers.
He asked when we first got together and I told him I'd be completely honest if he really wanted to know.
He changed his mind and didnt ask again. Don't think he would like it

If it makes you feel uncomfortable then don't tell him. He should respect that.

@Anotherdayanotherdollar it was a big thing in my 20s for guys to know how many partners their girlfriend had, however over 30 it is expected you have a sexual history and so only insecure guys still ask. This doesn't stop either of you telling stories about previous partners, or saying if you bump into someone you know what type of relationship you had with them.

I just don't want to talk about it. It has no bearing on our relationship whatsoever. It changes nothing, and shouldn't change his opinion of me. I've only slept with 5 (possibly 6 if there's one that's slipped my mind) but no more than 6 people. That's not many. He knows this. Why does it matter who they were?

The past is the past. I don’t understand why it’s relevant now. It’s good to be open in a relationship, but not every last detail of the past needs to be discussed when there’s nothing to gain by knowing. Just because someone was promiscuous before it doesn’t make them more likely to cheat. And just because someone’s only slept with 1 or 2 people it doesn’t automatically mean they have impeccable morals and will always be loyal in the future. With my DP we both told each other we’d slept with more than 10 but less than 50 and left the conversation at that.

i think its a bit different to inform someone that you have had a past with someone they know/may bump into/have mutual friends. Without any details but just so they have a heads up.

Everyone I have been with has been a boyfriend of more than 2 years apart from this one person. I don't think that's a particularly extravagant number. Would it be wise to disclose who I slept with as a OW when I was 23, considering that the man is still with his wife and has children now? We are the only two people who know and whilst it is awful, what good would disclosing that relationship do?

Why on earth does he need to know details of what kind of things me and my partners did in bed? How old I was when I first had sex? Who I've 'done sexual things with but haven't slept with?' - it's like being interrogated and personally I find it weird.

or will be telling a story from years ago and will say I slept with that person. It doesn't bother either of us

It would bother me! I know my DP has had relationships before me but I don't need to know specific details. Nor does my DP want to know any of my past relationships.

He doesn't. I know my now DH of of 30 years had an active sex life before we met, he knows I did too. We have even met some of each others ex partners. But neither of us has ever asked about any of them. Why would we?

Turn it round on him and ask him for chapter on and verse on one of his exes... when he squirms tell him that is why such questions should never be asked. It is an unhealthy thing to do in any meaningful relationship.

I don't mean past lives should be secret, just that freely given information is one thing and that digging for information is not a healthy thing to do.