to think that my sexual history isn't my partner's business?

[Drangoli]

I haven't slept with many people. I'm clean and was STI checked before I slept with DP (of 2+ years). I did have a fling a few years ago with someone we both know (not someone either of us ever speak to and he only knows them as an acquaintance). We are never going to see this person again, and I will never speak to them again. DP has asked me about my sexual history and who I have slept with. I found this to be incredibly invasive and didn't tell him who, just a rough number. AIBU to think that my past is exactly that, my past? Or is film disclosure a thing and should I tell him about everyone I have been with, even if it involves once being the OW and other things I did when I was young and not proud of?

One of the ways someone can attempt to work out what a relationship means to their partner is to set it in the context of the partner's history. To me, you are saying that the present relationship does not mean enough to you to provide that context.

i think if you were an OW and you think your partner would be shocked and horrified and judge you/leave you, then he isn't the man for you anyway.

My fiancé and I have been honest about number of sexual partners/relationships. But we chose to be, really it is nobody’s business but your own!

DH and I both know about each other's relationship/sexual history because we were best friends from childhood and would chat about partners flings etc when we just friends. In some respects I'd rather not know! What I think it's odd is that he's pushing for this information, what difference does it make if you've had ten ex partners or fifty. He either wants to be with you or doesn't, after two years is an odd time to start being bothered by it too, because if it was about sexual health, that ship has sailed I'm presuming.

@Snappity I think that's silly. My relationship means the world to me. It doesn't mean I have to do everything DP asks in order for me to prove how invested I am.

There's a problem here though, if you've been single for a long time, most of your adult life in my case, your number is going to sound high enough to shock people who don't understand that 1-2 sexual partners a year for the 20 odd years you were single doesn't make you any less choosy than they are.

I would want to know my partners past sexual history as if they had slept with hundreds of people it would put me off.

I would instantly lose respect for anybody stupid enough not to grasp that finding the right person and staying with them for a decade doesn't make you ''purer'' than somebody who was still in the process of looking for a ltr

I have no idea who and how many my H slept with and vice versa

None of his business. I expect my number is higher but so what

@burnoutbabe whether he would be shocked or not I don't know, but to be honest I just don't want to tell him or talk about it as it was a stupid mistake that lasted a few weeks and should never have happened. I want to erase it from my memory, not have DP dredging it up for no reason other than to satisfy his curiosity.

@PrettyLovely he knows how many people I have slept with. The issue is that he wants to know details and who they were. It's my past, and is not there to satisfy his curiosity or to entertain him.

I don’t care how many partners anyone I’m with has had. Nor would I expect them to care about my sexual history.

There’s absolutely no need for either party to know past details.

I think if it was an off hand question about the number etc, then fair enough, but it seems like he wanted lots of details, including about blokes you'd not slept with but had done other things with, you describe it as an interrogation, which makes me think he would react badly no matter what you said.

My husband would get seriously arsey if we had this discussion and I refused to tell him or said it was none of his business. He’d have a proper strop on him and then keep badgering till he got his answer 😒

"@PrettyLovely he knows how many people I have slept with. The issue is that he wants to know details and who they were. It's my past, and is not there to satisfy his curiosity or to entertain him."
Oh ok wow that is pretty weird. I dont understand why he would want to know the details, Surely thats not a good idea.

What the shimmering f**K has your sexual history got to do with anyone else. Nothing. It's easy to get on the high moral ground but realistically it's nobody's business but yours. Disclose only if you want to.

Your sexual history is your own. No one has any right to quiz you on it, in my opinion, and I’d be wary of someone that made such a big deal about it. You choose to share what you feel comfortable with and if that’s a problem, well it’s their problem, not yours.

Really Grace ? That's sad, weird even. or if it helps!

So why do I feel so anxious and like I'm an awful person for not telling him EVERYTHING? I just don't want to. He knows my sexual history involves abuse, and sexual assault. He knows that I have never had a one night stand. He knows that I've always been safe. He knows my ex cheated and gave me chlamydia. These are all really difficult things to talk about. It's not the case that I've told him nothing. It's simply that I just don't want to talk about it.

The conversation never came up between us. I think I would have found it a bit odd if DH had asked for details.

If he’d have pushed, I’d have said ‘you go first’ then I still wouldn’t have told him .

I’m in my 60s now and have lived a very full life, never married. I have never been asked that question. I’m shocked that the OP’s partner feels so entitled to be so intrusive. He’s asking in order to judge and needs to be told to fuck off and mind his own business.

He wants to know "details" ?

He is either

1. a creepy fucker who gets off on the thought of you with other men
2. a control freak

Get rid

This isn't a case of me wanting to get rid of my partner. I'm due our first baby and just want to not be asked about things that really don't matter.

it's your right to keep your secrets. he has no right to the information. i'd deflect and only tell him what you're happy for him to know. i wouldn't give him any hints as to the stuff i wouldn't want him to know. and i wouldn't feel guilty about it either. none of his business.

I think generally sexual history is better left unknown and as a pp said, it's pretty unhealthy for one partner to be fixated on it. Important long term relationships involving long term cohabitation / children, then I think it's useful to know why those didn't work out but the other stuff - I can't even remember if I had sex with that tall, blond, accountant called Tom I had a few dates with in 1998 - why does anyone else need to know.