to think that my sexual history isn't my partner's business?

[Drangoli]

I haven't slept with many people. I'm clean and was STI checked before I slept with DP (of 2+ years). I did have a fling a few years ago with someone we both know (not someone either of us ever speak to and he only knows them as an acquaintance). We are never going to see this person again, and I will never speak to them again. DP has asked me about my sexual history and who I have slept with. I found this to be incredibly invasive and didn't tell him who, just a rough number. AIBU to think that my past is exactly that, my past? Or is film disclosure a thing and should I tell him about everyone I have been with, even if it involves once being the OW and other things I did when I was young and not proud of?

I wouldnt want to be in a relationship if they have done certain things. Its my choice and i need to know. If they dont want to discuss it i wont want to be with them as we dont have the same values as me. If they think its none of my business fine but its over as far as im concerned.

I’m obviously the minority but I think it is his business. It’s like that sex-though-association chain.
I’m pretty paranoid about stds that aren’t routinely tested for, such as HPV. More sexual partners = more chance of having it and that freaks me out

I would want to know if they had same sex sex for instance or used to be an escort or was abused or had a habit of risky sex or bdsm. I dont want every detail but i need to know. I want to know whether they shagged my mate at the pub or their work colleague.

Mrbig1, wow you would end a relationship just because they won't discuss it with you??! What gives you the right to force someone to talk about something they don't want too? That's very controlling and manipulative of you. I'd bin you off cause of your attitude to be honest.

I want to know whether they shagged my mate at the pub or their work colleague.

That just makes you sound insecure and controlling really. What are the chances they shagged your friend at the pub? And so what if they shagged their work colleague? If it isn't going on any more what is the problem? I would rather not know actually. All that will do is cause insecurity that doesn't need to be there.

The chances are that you can ask, but doesn't mean you are going to get an honest answer anyway. If they know that you would have an issue if they shagged someone at work it is very unlikely they would tell you.

IME most men who want to know that information and exactly who someone slept with just want a stick to beat them with or they are twats who can't stand the idea than the woman they are with has a sexual history and aren't 'pure'.

If anyone wanted that level of information it would be a red flag and I would run a mile because I wouldn't want to be with someone so insecure and controlling who is going to judge me for what I did with my body before I was with them.

Honestly, i wouldn't even get to the point of dating someone without knowing this stuff.
I don't want to date someone who has ever cheated, been an OM, had sex outside of a committed relationship etc.
Yes, i judge peoples morals and character on how they choose/treat their sexual partners.

MrBig, why is ‘been abused’ in the middle of that list?

Because it could affect our sex life and relationship.

Sisgal likewise. Im not interested if youre hiding stuff. Its not manipulave its my own choice and boundaries.

It’s nobody’s business but yours.

When I was young and jealous I got really caught up in people’s pasts and it did me no favours.
It’s not a secret how many people I e slept with, but it’s also not relevant.
I’ve been with my dp for 16 years and it’s the person who he is now that I’m in relationship with, not all the decisions he made when he was younger. I’m happy with the product of those decisions, but I’m not interested in the process that got him here.

If the topic came up during dating and a guy genuinely refused to answer and said he wouldn’t tell me, I’d end it. Because I’d wonder what was so horrific he was unable or unwilling to tell me. And I wouldn’t want to start a relationship or remain in one where there were things we couldn’t tell the other about ourselves like that.

It’d just be so odd. I would make it clear to him I wasn’t gonna judge whether it was zero or two hundred, in case he was afraid I’d think badly of him for being at either end of that scale. But if he was unwilling to share that’s totally fine and his choice but it’d cause me to decide not to continue seeing him. I don’t want a relationship starting off with secrets and things hidden and if we’d been together longer and it came up and he refused I’d feel terrible I was with someone that doesn’t trust me to be able to hear things about them and not judge.

I don't think I could be with a dp if they weren't reasonably open and honest about their past - I'd find it odd to be honest. I'm not a judgemental kind of person so they would have fundamentally misread my character if they felt I would judge them for their past. Unless it was a very recent past - but still better they should be honest about it rather than me find out later. Names wouldn't be needed(!).

None of his business. DH doesn't know full details of my past and doesn't care. Over the years bits and bobs have been mentioned (we both know he had had very little experience prior to me and I was rather the opposite!) but full disclosure? What for? It has no bearing on OUR relationship.

It’s just a normal part of getting to know someone new. You wouldn’t necessarily ask the same of a new friend as you’re not going to be intimate or romantic with them. But with a new potential partner who you may sleep with, it’s natural to be curious about how they’ve ended up free to be in your bed/next to you. It’s usually more about ‘how long have you been single? What happened to your last relationship? How many serious loves have you had? Longest relationship?’ and the number of sexual partners just comes into that, but it’s more about the relationship stuff. I’d definitely want to know if a new guy I was seeing had never had a girlfriend before or was a virgin or was extremely recently divorced. And the number of people he’s been with might factor into my decision about where things go. If he has only ever slept with meaningful partners and I’m not into him in a relationship sense I probably won’t consider casual with him as he might see the sex as leading to something more. If he’s slept with loads of people and we’re not getting the relationship vibe we might still decide to have some fun together.!

Number of past partners can tell you something about the person. Not in a negative way but just part of the bigger picture of clues about someone’s attitude and approach towards sex.

I'd be a little concerned about the level of questioning to be honest.

Likewise. Lots of people seem to be chiming in without having read your updates.

The level of detail he's seeking, and his refusal to respect your answer that you don't wish to discuss it, are extremely worrying.

How does he react when you refuse? Is his reaction part of the reason you've ended up feeling bad for refusing?

I think some people need to RTFT

OP has disclosed number of partners (which, not that it matters ffs, is low!), the fact that she has previously had an STD but is now free of any, and that her sexual history includes abuse. Her partner knows everything he could conceivably claim to need to know (not that I’d agree) and yet is still badgering her for names, specifics, details of people she has had fumbles but not full sex with etc etc etc. That’s weird and a big red flag. Especially as this is not a new relationship and OP is now expecting his child.

OP - have you told him outright that you don’t like these questions and want them to stop? If so what was his response?

For what it’s worth DP and I have never discussed sexual history or numbers beyond him telling me he’s not had many girlfriends and by extension not many sexual partners. We’re committed to each other and have been/will continue to be faithful to the other and honestly that’s all anyone could possibly need to know - the name of the bloke I gave a blow job on a beach 15+ years ago (hypothetical but plausible example there!) cannot possibly be of any relevance to him, even if I could remember it.

A sexual relationship doesn’t give anyone the right’s to your past.

MrBig: I am appalled at the idea that someone who has been sexually assaulted or abused is seen as having some kind of Duty of Care or obligation to tell you before you will have sex with them, or that you feel you have an actual right to know.

These things do not define people, and people have a right to privacy and not being subjected to some armchair psychology as to how their sexual relationship might be affected.

It’s clear that people have very different standards around intrusiveness.

OP, it sounds as if he is jealously fixating in this one ex, or else some sort of voyeuridm wanting you to talk about it.

If he does not respond to being told your feelings about this questioning, it might be worth couple counselling?

When is your baby due?

If a guy had cheated on numerous women before yourself would you not want to know? 🤔

I would want to know, and I’m certain many others would as well. Some qualities are not attractive no matter how much we would like to ignore them.

You dont have to tell me but likewise i dont have to be with you if you dont want to be honest and open.

Reading your posts, I'm sorry you're having a baby with this man because I don't think you should be in this relationship.

You don't feel you can trust him to tell him of things you're less proud of, how can you trust him to be there for you for better or worse?
He doesn't respect your right for privacy. How will he respect you in the relationship?

I can only see escalation when the baby is born.