to think that my sexual history isn't my partner's business?

[Drangoli]

I haven't slept with many people. I'm clean and was STI checked before I slept with DP (of 2+ years). I did have a fling a few years ago with someone we both know (not someone either of us ever speak to and he only knows them as an acquaintance). We are never going to see this person again, and I will never speak to them again. DP has asked me about my sexual history and who I have slept with. I found this to be incredibly invasive and didn't tell him who, just a rough number. AIBU to think that my past is exactly that, my past? Or is film disclosure a thing and should I tell him about everyone I have been with, even if it involves once being the OW and other things I did when I was young and not proud of?

Tell him to stop asking then. Problem solved. Isn't it ?

Details = "I'm looking for a stick to beat you with"

There is literally no reason for him to know anything other than you have no STIs.

Be very wary.

It;s not important to us.

I have no idea how many women my OH has slept with- 5 ? maybe 10? Perhaps 15? My guess in not much more than that, but it doesn't matter.

Hell I don't even remember the names of some guys I have slept with ( but I have been sexually active for 40 years!!)

That's something I would never disclose.

my stbxh knows I had 2 DC before him so he knows I've dtd 2x before him.

I'm more concerned about a recent STD test, police records, background check than someone's sexual numbers.

If I was being badgered like this then i’d Assume my partner was deeply insecure to want to know every last detail of who, when and how i’d slept with people.
That alone would make me run for the hills.

So why do I feel so anxious and like I'm an awful person for not telling him EVERYTHING? Oh! Given that he knows all of that about you have you considered he is not a good partner for you?

Given your last post I would advise that you give some serious consideration to whether you want to continue a relationship where your partner makes you feel that way. That isn't what love is!

It's not his business...however....if you are keeping information that would make him change his mind about you.....then I feel it's better he knows.

Some people don't believe a cheater can change and that it's a character flaw....so they'd rather not end up marrying that person.

I don't think he needs to know the names though.

He may judge you for being the OW....but if he would...it's better you know now. If you can tell him that's not the kind of person and you were young and naive

I'd hate for my DH to say ..if I knew xyz I wouldn't have married you.

So while its in the past....if it has bearing on his ideals...then think about if you want to withhold the info.

What AnyFucker said. After your disclosure about your previous sexual history which is known to him, his interrogation of you is VERY sinister

I would say its none of his business,
My exh was like this and used it later on to embarrass and humiliate me, even though none of it was anything bad

Seconding AnyFucker's comment.

I would turn it round on him. Ask him why he wants to know. Ask him why it's important to him.

@SandyY2K couldn't you say this about any aspect of anyone's life? Whether they've been in a fight before? Ever had racist tendencies? Ever hit their partner? Ever broken the law? Done drugs? Why is it the sex bit that he needs to know when there are so many other worse things I could have done for him to not want to be with me?

I'm due our first baby and just want to not be asked about things that really don't matter.

Didn't see this when I posted. It's a bit late for him to be asking all this now you're having his child.

Tell him you've discussed enough about your past with him...and prefer not to discuss anything else...so can he stop asking or badgering and annoying you.

These how many and who conversations sound so judgy and rooted in some stifling moralistic idea of purity.

Surely if you're going to get physical you both get checked out - what's the need for a big convo about who's done what? I've been with OH over 5 years now and we both got checked out, went together. We'd been using condoms anyway. That's it.

We've never even had the 'how many and who/when" talk - I wouldn't even bother being with a man like that it'd be a turn off. Fuck off and go get yourself a virgin if you're that fussed would be my thoughts

That you are pregnant with first child & this has become important to him, I could read several ways.

From natural uncertainty at imminent parenthood & a need to affirm the foundations of your life together all the way through to knowing you are more vulnerable & seizing the opportunity to bully/control you.

Repeat what you said before.
Don’t overshare.
Do not be pressured into giving information that is yours & yours alone.

Just thought of a friend I've lost contact with now but whenever she and her Husband rowed he'd call her a slut, whore etc and always refer to her sexual history because she'd told him in honesty. Every single time.

It's a red flag question. There's absolutely no reason why you can't have a broad talk about the need to take care, then go to clinic for a full check up

couldn't you say this about any aspect of anyone's life? Whether they've been in a fight before? Ever had racist tendencies? Ever hit their partner? Ever broken the law? Done drugs?

You could indeed. I'd certainly want to know if my BF was racist or violent...but I guess I would know that before committing to them seriously.

Although they could hide it well.

Sexual history just seems to be one that causes this issue. I've known it really cause problems when found out after marriage.

I think it's partly insecurity with men...nor wanting a woman to have a higher number... and there's some who don't want a woman they consider to be promiscuous.

Far and away the nicest boyfriend I've ever had (he was nice in all sorts of ways, not just this one) took the view that a gentleman doesn't tell... and applied the same standard to his partner - he wasn't going to ask, because it wasn't a question he thought a reasonable person should be prepared to answer.

It's not a secret. It's really just none of his business.

YANBU.

Just tell him you would prefer to concentrate on the future and not dwell in or talk about the past

Good luck with your first baby

I don’t have a problem with sharing the number of partners you’ve had but him wanting to know names, details etc isn’t normal, it’s controlling and invasive. It feels like he would be storing up the information to throw back in your face.

Has he been as open in sharing exactly what he has done with all his ex’s?

*@CuriousaboutSamphire

Really Grace ? That's sad, weird even. flowers or gin if it helps!*

Yep sad and weird. I’ll take the flowers, thanks!

@WeeMadArthur no but I haven't asked. I only know names of people he went out with before me (we were colleagues so I knew of these relationships). I don't know the name or numbers or anyone else. Just that he 'hasn't slept with that many people'

This is simply not a question that adults ask each other.

I don't want to know my husband's sexual history and he doesn't want to know mine. We know a little, but not the number or any intimate details.

I just don't want to know. It is irrelevant.

If he has asked more than once OP I too would wonder why the fuck he wants to know that badly.

Actually I’d say it’s not just that it’s your private information. He’s asking you to reveal details about several other people’s sexual histories that they certainly wouldn’t be expecting to share with him.

Would he be happy to have his sexual prowess discussed by each of his former partners with their new lovers?