to think that my sexual history isn't my partner's business?

[Drangoli]

I haven't slept with many people. I'm clean and was STI checked before I slept with DP (of 2+ years). I did have a fling a few years ago with someone we both know (not someone either of us ever speak to and he only knows them as an acquaintance). We are never going to see this person again, and I will never speak to them again. DP has asked me about my sexual history and who I have slept with. I found this to be incredibly invasive and didn't tell him who, just a rough number. AIBU to think that my past is exactly that, my past? Or is film disclosure a thing and should I tell him about everyone I have been with, even if it involves once being the OW and other things I did when I was young and not proud of?

respect for your attempt to explain Lyndsey but I still think it is bullshit

I err more on the side of Fermat 's theory, personally

Dh and I had no issue discussing it.

I’m genuinely amazed people care about how many people their partner has slept with

I don’t know, I personally couldn’t stomach, a rock star/ Warren Betty type lothario. Sounds a bit repulsive to me, however, I guess I’m a bit old fashioned and as it turned out so was DH. So it was a win, win for both of us.

DH has never asked and never volunteered his "number," and I've mentioned MN threads like this before so he's had an easy opportunity to. I'd be interested in a nosy way, but as it is absolutely none of my business, wouldn't ask. We've talked about previous relationships a bit, but how many notches on the bedpost really isn't relevant. I briefly wondered if I should tell him that I'd had a ONS with a friend (not a close one now) about 10 years earlier but decided that there was no benefit to mentioning it. I was glad that DH. had had a couple of serious relationships as I would think it unusual if a man of nearly 40 hadn't. He's on friendly terms with one serious ex, has completely lost touch with another, has a couple on Facebook - consistent with a reasonably well-balanced man who's lived in the same place most of his life and has friendships going back to childhood. More relevant still, he doesn't say they're crazy bitches.

If he wanted to know I'd have no issue disclosing. I think mine is unremarkable for someone who was sexually active for 15 years before settling down, had a few significant relationships and a few flings in between. One was a knobhead, the others were good guys but not right long term.

I've never asked my DP, we met pretty young and I know there's at least one because I felt like I had to tell him I was a virgin when I met him because I had no idea what I was doing. Since he didn't tell me he was too I'm guessing at least one but I don't know and I don't care.

It's never crossed my mind to ask him.

It’s surprising to me to see there are so many people who wouldn’t just naturally ask/be asked about ‘numbers’ at the start of a relationship. It’s been a standard discussion in the sixteen years I’ve been active in the dating scene. Same for all my friends. Just a very normal thing to come up. I don’t really know anyone who wouldn’t have that discussion at some point, or who wouldn’t be concerned if the person refused to answer.

I can see why it’s bullshit though. It can play into all kinds of gross ideas about sexual morality. Like every new person you sleep with is a notch you can’t undo that keeps accruing and says something about you as a person. Like shagging twenty different guys twice is somehow worse than shagging one guy forty times.

But if someone’s sexual history/attitude towards sex is important to you, that’s entirely up to you and is something you probably wanna know before getting serious. So it’s on you to ask. And not to pursue any further if you don’t like the response.

When I disclosed mine go OH at the start he was a bit taken aback, as his was much smaller and he has only ever slept with people he’s either been in a relationship with or thought it was heading that way. He did find it difficult for a bit to get his head around, but he was very clear from the off that he didn’t believe there was anything wrong with my approach (I’ve had plenty of casual sex that meant nothing beyond the moment) and he knew it was his issue to work through if he was shocked by it. Which he chose to do without ever making me feel bad about it. If he had have done for a moment that’d have really put me off and I’m not sure I could have continued seeing him if I thought he thought less or differently of me.

It’s surprising to me to see there are so many people who wouldn’t just naturally ask/be asked about ‘numbers’ at the start of a relationship.

I wouldn't ask. What's more I am not one to keep a score.
I would be hard pushed to remember.
I know it's not a huge number, less than 20, some were long term relationships, some were drunken fucks with a colleague in a hotel.
None of it matters to my OH and I don't care about his past sex life.,

LyndseyKola

*It’s surprising to me to see there are so many people who wouldn’t just naturally ask/be asked about ‘numbers’ at the start of a relationship.
*

You say that but then go on to describe how your OH found it " difficult to get his head around" and having an "issue to work through".

This clearly demonstrates why divulging such information is not always the best idea.

I guess context is everything. Asking how many people you have slept with out of casual curiosity is one thing. Asking and then getting arsey or jealous over the answer if it is deemed 'too high' a number shows in equal measure an alarming lack of maturity and a misogynistic attitude.

You say that but then go on to describe how your OH found it " difficult to get his head around" and having an "issue to work through".

This clearly demonstrates why divulging such information is not always the best idea.

What’s the alternative though? Hiding it?

If my OH wanted a partner who’d slept with fewer people before him and that wasn’t me, I would want us both to know that at the start! As if it’s something that he would be bothered by it’d probably come up at some point anyway.

It didn’t cause problems for us, in any way, it didn’t stop us dating and getting together. He recognised his reaction and examined it and realised it was a gut response he didn’t want to be having and thought it through and decided it wasn’t an issue.

If someone would think less of their partner or be very put off them finding out their high number it’s absolutely better to know that at the start surely, so it doesn’t just come up later on when you’re more invested in each other?

I want to know if I’m with a guy whose morality around sex is vastly different from mine. I want to know if I’m with a guy who genuinely thinks there’s something bad or immoral or unacceptable about me for having embraced my sexuality when single and had casual sex. As that’s who I am and I want someone who accepts me for who I am (and I’d be very uncomfortable dating a man who thought less of women for their sexual past as that could suggest some pretty gross misogynistic views).

You’re both assessing whether you like and are compatible with each other at the start. I’m assessing a guy as much as he is me. And if he held misogynistic or immature views, and disclosing our ‘numbers’ brought that out, that’s great to know and I want to know as early as possible before being invested.

As PP have said, context matters. Given I don’t mind if a guy has had zero partners or a hundred it’s just curiousity for me, but fairly neutral info in that neither would put me off or be an issue.

And if a guy asking me was doing so to see if I was ‘pure enough’ sexually for him then by being honest I get to rule him out right at the start for incompatibilities. I don’t date with the view I have to keep hold of a guy at all costs, it’s about sussing each other out, and at any stage either of you upon finding out something you don’t like about the other person can end it. Why would you delay that by hiding parts of you and your life? It’s just storing up problems and secrets for later on.

I’m not remotely ashamed of my past. I’m not going to act like I am by hiding it and avoiding the discussion.

And if he held misogynistic or immature views,

You need to talk about past sexual partners to find that out?

Would e pretty obvious in other ways I think.

This is simply not a question that adults ask each other.

Well quite clearly it is if this thread is anything to go by.

It's the persons motive for asking the question and their subsequent actions and behaviour that is the issue.

I have been asked lots of times, I have always been honest, if they have a problem with my 'number' (and some have) well they can fuck off then quite frankly.

Personally I would be more concerned if a 30+something women that I was dating had only single digit figures when it came to their sexual history. Still, it is sad to see evidence of slut shaming on this thread.

I know it's not a huge number, less than 20, some were long term relationships, some were drunken fucks with a colleague in a hotel.

Mine is roughly the same as yours :) only I remember the number.

When I disclosed mine go OH at the start he was a bit taken aback, as his was much smaller and he has only ever slept with people he’s either been in a relationship with or thought it was heading that way. He did find it difficult for a bit to get his head around, but he was very clear from the off that he didn’t believe there was anything wrong with my approach (I’ve had plenty of casual sex that meant nothing beyond the moment) and he knew it was his issue to work through if he was shocked by it.

^ this (that I wrote earlier) was very important info to have at the start with OH and info I was glad to know. It showed me that even though he had absorbed some ideas around judgment about sex, he knew it was his issue, not mine, and chose to work through them himself rather than walking away or saying anything to make me feel bad or guilty (for which I’d have walked away in a heartbeat). In a culture where men’s promiscuity is celebrated and women are castigated for it, I was glad to see that I’d met someone who was fully aware of these social norms and their inherent unfairness and sexism. I had a lot of respect for the fact he was honest.

Plus it was part of a wider conversation about our attitudes towards sex, our morals from our upbringing and parental attitudes, how we felt about monogamy and commitment and casual sex. Just part of getting to know each other and the backgrounds we came from and how we see the world and relationships. He was introspective enough to explain that his religion and culture growing up left him with some ideas about sex he wasn’t very comfortable with and what he’s done to change that.

It’s not odd for someone to be curious how many people their new partner has been with before them I don’t think. And there’s definitely nothing wrong with both people not wanting to know or caring so little they don’t bother asking. As long as you are both able to talk about health and contraception and get STI screens before moving away from condoms onto the pill if you want to do that.

It's not to do with "hiding" information, or "keeping secrets".

How far would that honesty go?

Would you talk about an Brian who liked his hands tied while you gave him a hand job, or Eddie who liked you to keep your French knickers on during the act, or Dave who preferred it on the carpet on all fours?

Because in the interests of "honesty" surely your current partner somehow heeds all that information.

I think not.

Do you think he has found out about the acquaintance in passing? It seems odd to suddenly bring it up 2+ years into your relationship. Anyway, if you don’t want to tell him then tell him you don’t think the past is relevant or his business and let him do with that what he will, you’re not obliged to share. As this thread has demonstrated there are some people who value openness about this and some people who find this information private/irrelevant- I guess your DP gets to decide which camp he’s in on that.

Would e pretty obvious in other ways I think.

I quite agree.

However, some men are very good at hiding their sexist views but this question seems to be the acid test that often brings those views to the surface.

Would e pretty obvious in other ways I think

Really?

You don’t see how many otherwise lovely seeming men have very misogynistic views when presented with something that goes against their idea of How a woman should behave?

You’ve never seen a guy be lovely to everyone around him but then come out with pretty vile views about women who are partaking in the exact same sexual activities as men? Or use the terms ‘slut’ and ‘slag’ without thinking?

I think you’re misunderstanding me. Having these conversations about sex is just a normal routine thing for me and pretty much everyone I know. It’s not a chore that would be dropped if only you can figure out other ways to learn about each other.

Would you talk about an Brian who liked his hands tied while you gave him a hand job, or Eddie who liked you to keep your French knickers on during the act, or Dave who preferred it on the carpet on all fours?

Because in the interests of "honesty" surely your current partner somehow heeds all that information.

I think not.

Oh, I understand. You’re just being obtuse for the sake of it. Why? 🙄

Would you talk about an Brian who liked his hands tied while you gave him a hand job, or Eddie who liked you to keep your French knickers on during the act, or Dave who preferred it on the carpet on all fours?

You did not mention Dave and the bag of oranges and electrical cable! How could you forget Dave?

I find it very easy to see through misogyny right from the start.

It is very easy to spot.

I once lied to a partner about how many peopl I slept with, I said it was very low. Eventually little bits didn't add up and he found out It was higher. He was so rude about it, said I was a "slag" and all sorts. I always find men who are obsessed with finding out are weirdos anyway.

It’s all very well people in happy mutually trusting, non-judgey relationships being blasé about the need for total disclosure and honesty. But in the OP the OP seems to de feeling pressured to ‘account for’ her relationships to a DP reacting to a specific name. This smacks of jealousy, possessiveness and control. The fact that the OP finds it evasive is the clue.

I don’t think it necessary to do a full list. What about the privacy of pervious partners?

Who keeps ‘score ‘ like some bloke with notches on his bedpost?

It isn’t a competition, it isn’t anything to be ashamed of. And you don’t own tne right to someone ‘s past. A general answer should be enough.

I once lied to a partner about how many peopl I slept with, I said it was very low

Can I ask why you decided to lie in the first place?

Nothing excuses him calling you a slag obviously. I would struggle to date a man who used the term slag about women. I just don’t think I could actually.

Just wondering why you weren’t honest?

I'm not being obtuse.

I think the whole idea of keeping a tally is pretty juvenile- like notches on the bedpost- something that teenagers do. Very childish.
I seriously have no idea how many men I have slept with- it's not a huge number, but the idea of counting them up or "keeping score" doesn't sit comfortably with me.
Relationships are not about numbers, they are about human beings.

My husband has never asked. Partly because he too polite and I guess perhaps he know I was a bit of a wild partner in the 90s and he doesn't know if he will like what he hears

Either way I wouldn't let it split us up, if he wanted to know I'd tell him, warts and all (metaphorical warts)