to think that my sexual history isn't my partner's business?

[Drangoli]

I haven't slept with many people. I'm clean and was STI checked before I slept with DP (of 2+ years). I did have a fling a few years ago with someone we both know (not someone either of us ever speak to and he only knows them as an acquaintance). We are never going to see this person again, and I will never speak to them again. DP has asked me about my sexual history and who I have slept with. I found this to be incredibly invasive and didn't tell him who, just a rough number. AIBU to think that my past is exactly that, my past? Or is film disclosure a thing and should I tell him about everyone I have been with, even if it involves once being the OW and other things I did when I was young and not proud of?

I would want to know my partners sexual and relationship history. If you’re setting up (possibly for life and children may be involved) then you should trust each other enough to be honest.
I would be put off by numerous partners and a string of failed relationships. I’m not sure it should be a tally as such but two long term partners is very different to too many casual partners to count.
I think (hope) my children would also see casual sex, affairs, flings whatever the wording is, as detrimental to long term happiness in a stable marriage.

I wouldn't tell a new boyfriend that sort of stuff, but think that by the time the relationship gets to partner status then you've usually discussed sexual histories. OK not in a list and who did what when sort of way but in a talking about your earlier life and what you did when way. I'm not ashamed of my sexual history and my previous boyfriends. Our past experiences help form us, even when we do stupid things.

There’s a difference surely, between not having secrets and letting someone know every intricate detail of your life. And if she chooses to share the information but misses someone out because she forgot, or doesn’t want to mention being the OW, then she’s suddenly assumed to be a liar and keeping secrets. It’s insane. Your DP has put you in a difficult position, because not answering makes you look like you’re trying to hide something and answering is just giving him what he wants. Why does he want to know this info? Has she shared it with you? Does he think that women ought to be more pure than men? He wants to judge the number against some barometer that he considers acceptable for a woman? I don’t understand how this info helps if both parties don’t share it willingly.

I have no idea how many sexual partners my dh has had nor so I want to know. And I certainly ain't telling him my number!

I know how many women DH slept with before he met me and he knows how many men I slept with.

I can't really remember how the discussion came about (we have been married almost 40 years). I don't think either asked outright but just in conversations it came up.

We both know just about everything about the other so why not how many sexual partners each have had? We both had less than 5

We had both lived with someone before and have talked about that. I know her name, age, where she lived, what job she did etc and DH knows the same about the guy I lived with.

I think (hope) my children would also see casual sex, affairs, flings whatever the wording is, as detrimental to long term happiness in a stable marriage

That’s quite a heavy burden to put on them!

Cherry having many casual sexual partners when you are young free and single has absolutely no correlation with commitment and monogamy in a long-term relationship/marriage. That is something else entirely.

I think (hope) my children would also see casual sex, affairs, flings whatever the wording is, as detrimental to long term happiness in a stable marriage

And if your kids don't want to get married... they stay celibate so as not to upset their mum?

Or do they do as so many young people do, screw whomever take s their fancy and enjoy every moment of it without feeling guilty. It is just sex, free of strings, fully consensual and FUN!

Affairs, yep, make a judgement on that one. It's never the right thing to do. But pre-marital sex for the fun of it? Nothing wrong in making that choice!

I think (hope) my children would also see casual sex, affairs, flings whatever the wording is, as detrimental to long term happiness in a stable marriage

Casual sex and flings have no correlation with marriage happiness and stability unless they’re happening during the marriage 😂

I think it’s important to discuss these attitudes if you’re considering becoming serious with someone as if you eventually have a family it’s a big issue to work through if you have completely different views on sexuality and you don’t know until it comes up with your teenage kids! I’d want my children to feel able to explore their sexualities and feel no shame about it if that’s what they want, so I doubt I’d want to have a family with a man who was of the ‘no sex until you’re eighteen and out of the house, intimidate the boyfriends of the girls while telling their sons to ‘get in there’ with women’ mentality. I don’t want my kids growing up with weird uneven misogynistic attitudes about their bodies and sex.

Sorry, Cherry. I'm not sniping, just interested in different viewpoints. I also wanted to comment on this bit

I would be put off by numerous partners and a string of failed relationships. I can see why a long list of partners can worry some people, but I have never seen any of the people I had sex with as failed relationships. They were either just for fun or were what I would now see as 'practice' attempts at a long term relationship. As soon as I met now DH I recognised the difference and we have both been faithful and committed for 34 years.

in my opinion it's not on his business I think my husband knows my number as we met when I was 19 so we discussed it when we where young he also knows a few people I've slept with but I have never gone into detail he knows I had more 0artbers than him but I don't think anything I did before him is any of his business if I want to discuss it I will if I don't I won't but we are not the kind of couple who tell each other every single thing though and I think that's fine but it's also fine if couples want to tell each other everything as long as both people are happy to do that.

*I think (hope) my children would also see casual sex, affairs, flings whatever the wording is, as detrimental to long term happiness in a stable marriage
*

Very dangerous territory here.

Cherry: mutually understood ‘flings’ when young and single have no bearing on eventual love, stability and monogamy.

In terms of history I would be much more attentive to serial cheating within an established relationship.

Absolutely none of his business.

I think the fact that he is badgering you and going on and on about it is a MASSIVE red flag, especially as you're pregnant.

You need to nip this behaviour in the bud, next time he starts say you're not discussing it and that's it end of.

It doesn't matter if you've shagged half the country, you're with him and that's all that matters.

I think if you try and pacify and cajole him this jealousy will get worse. Does he show any other indicators of controlling behaviour?

I think this is a red flag too and have no doubt that any details you share with him, will later be used as a weapon to beat you with. What does he say when you tell him to fuck off and mind his own business? Tell him he’s being a creep, insecure and rather unattractive.

I’ve had an ex like this, I was called a slag and a slut, even though I’d only slept with 2 people before him, he was always convinced I was cheating on him etc. Immature little twerp. My current partner told me his number just in conversation and immediately followed it up with “that wasn’t your que to tell me your number by the way, it’s none of my business”. I loved him for that, and even more when I shrugged, told him my number, which was a fair bit higher than his, and he’s never mentioned it or tried to shame me for it since.

I don't think he's got any right to know details, especially if it may affect other people. I think it's normal to know something of a partner's history such as when they split with the most recent partner, how long they were together, whether they've had lots of partners or just a few, and whether they are still in touch with any of them. Knowing nothing is unfair as you will probably find things out from their family and friends over the years which could be unsettling. But details are up to you and most people in my experience aren't interested in that.

Mmmnnn I get people have different viewpoints but I do think attitudes to the importance of to sex as a very intimate and committed act impact on stability of relationships. The children don’t feel burdened - in many ways it’s liberating to only sleep with partners you know well enough to trust, to reduce pressure to have casual sex as soon as he’s bought you a drink, to know that with sex comes the responsibility of knowing a pregnancy could result and that responsibility would be shared equally. Luckily all of them are in stable, long term relationships, eh? Casual sex is not for everyone. In fact, I know very few people in real life who would consider it either normal or acceptable- most of our social circle are long term married couples or widowed and remarried. Different way of living, I guess.

it’s liberating to only sleep with partners you know well enough to trust, to reduce pressure to have casual sex as soon as he’s bought you a drink

There are so many possibilities in between those two. And if you value yourself, you'll know that sex shouldn't be an exchange that men buy, whether that be after one drink, or the offer of marriage. For some people, the fact that sex can just be fun, doesn't stop it from being something about trust and intimacy with someone you know well.

I think (hope) my children would also see casual sex, affairs, flings whatever the wording is, as detrimental to long term happiness in a stable marriage.

Well, my husband didn't have any serious relationships before he met me. I don't know how many people he has had sex with but I do know they were all very casual flings. Whether they were one night stands or not I don't know, but he wasn't in a serious relationship with any.

We have been together for 12 years and we are very happy. It has not affected our ability to be in a happy and stable marriage.

I am not sure how you are even connecting the two things.

I would want to know how many relations and why the ended and how long for and how many people you had sex with and who in case i know them. If youve got nothing to hide you would say..its only if you are ashamed of something or worried that you would resort to its noones business bs.

If youve got nothing to hide you would say.

Rubbish.

Some things are simply not the business of others. It isn't because people have something to hide. It isn't important information to have unless you are a bit of an idiot and judge others by their past sexual history.

No one owes anyone that information. It is ok to have a past sexual history that only you and the people you slept with know about.

No one should feel pressurised to share that information with a partner. If you are both happy to discuss it then great, but no one has the automatic right to know and it doesn't mean anyone is ashamed if they don't want to share.

Ok. At first I thought you were being a bit unreasonable. It's a common conversation to have - people generally chat about previous relationships. Give him your number (real or otherwise, it's your business), you laugh about some disastrous mishaps in your youth, blah blah blah. When someone refuses to share anything, it seems like a bigger thing than it is.

However, given the level of detail you actually appear to have already given him, his curiosity sounds almost unpleasantly voyeuristic - particular if he requires further detail about sexual assaults. I'd be a little concerned about the level of questioning to be honest.

Does it matter what happened before you were together? Everyone has a past? Surely you wouldn't want to to cause any friction in a new relationship. Personally I just wouldn't even ask tbh

I think it's a really common question that many people (male and female) ask of their partner whilst in a relationship. I find it odd that you find it 'invasive' for your H to ask..? I think it's ok to talk about how many people you have slept with...but not to discuss in detail who you have been with/what things you have done together.