to think that my sexual history isn't my partner's business?

[Drangoli]

I haven't slept with many people. I'm clean and was STI checked before I slept with DP (of 2+ years). I did have a fling a few years ago with someone we both know (not someone either of us ever speak to and he only knows them as an acquaintance). We are never going to see this person again, and I will never speak to them again. DP has asked me about my sexual history and who I have slept with. I found this to be incredibly invasive and didn't tell him who, just a rough number. AIBU to think that my past is exactly that, my past? Or is film disclosure a thing and should I tell him about everyone I have been with, even if it involves once being the OW and other things I did when I was young and not proud of?

Whether they've been in a fight before? Ever had racist tendencies? Ever hit their partner? Ever broken the law? Done drugs? Why is it the sex bit that he needs to know when there are so many other worse things I could have done for him to not want to be with me?

Op you are framing sexual history as if it is a crime.

Why compare it to all these nasty things?

My sexual history is MY sexual history and in no way could be compared these things you describe.

Two consenting adults enjoying each others bodies is not a sin, nothing to be ashamed of, does not make you a slut, but neither is is something worth divulging to your current partner.

OH and I have been together for 22 years and have never asked that question of each other.

Lancelottie exactly.

Despite my exes being in the past I still respect their dignity and mine- they all had different " flavours" of sexual activity some liked certain things or kinks, but out of respect for everyone I would never broadcast those details to anyone.

@speakout I wasn't making it out to be a crime. I was using this example to show that there were much worse things I could have done, I could have a criminal record, I could have done some terrible things, I haven't, but I could've. Why is he fixating in something like my historical sex life which has no bearing on who I am now?

So no I wasn't comparing to criminal offences. It was an example to show that I could've done much worse things that he's never bothered to ask about.

Drangoli

But the phrase "much worse" implies that it is bad.

Can't you see that? To be "worse" something has to be bad or undesirable in the first place.

I don't think of sex in these terms.

@speakout That's my whole point.

Also I would say that being an OW IS bad. It's something I'm ashamed of. But it was a mistake and has no bearing on who I am as a person today.

If your partner is just being curious I wouldn't be too concerned, but if he keeps probing and turning it into a big issue then that's a different story.
I know DH's past and he knows mine (nothing major on either side) but it was something we discussed once and it's never been discussed again because there was no need. Past is past, or should be anyway.

Yep, fuck-all to do with him. He is being invasive, controlling, and nosey. And if you had slept with 100 men, there is a 100% guarantee he would judge you on it, and think you were a bit 'easy.' If it was one of his mates saying he had shagged 100 women though, he would probably buy him a 'congratulations' card.

I remember reading once (and I believe this to be true!) that women 'downgrade' how many men they've shagged, and often will keep it to single figures (so they'll say it was 8 or 9, even if it was 30 or 40 or 90.)

But MEN will 'upgrade' their magic number. So if they have shagged 5 or 6 women, they'll say it's 20 or 30. If it's 15 or 20, they'll say it's 50.

I sometimes see men on tv (on shitty reality tv shows,) who are only in their mid 20's, who claim to have had sex with 1000 women, and I think 'Oh do fuck off! No-one believes you!'

My friend has a brother who works in a big London hotel on a late shift, (like 5 til midnight,) and he speaks to a man at a different hotel up the road some nights. This man claims that every single time he is on late shift, he gets women coming up to him asking for sex, offering him a blow job, and asking them to 'go down' on them etc. At least once a week this happens apparently!

My friend's brother said in 10 years of working in his hotel, that this has never ONCE happened to him. And he is waaaaay better looking than the guy at the other hotel. And the upshot is, no woman on he planet would waltz up to a male night-time receptionist and ask if he will fuck her. It just wouldn't happen.

@Drangoli

It sounds like your partner is very insecure. Just say 'yeah I'm a virgin, you're the first one!' When he looks a bit just say 'well that's what you want to hear isn't it?!!!'

Well, I sort of think it’s weird not to talk about these things with a serious partner. It’s your life story. You shouldn’t be ashamed of it. There’s nothing wrong with having had a past with a full and exciting sex life. I’ve slept with twice as many people as my dh has. There’s nothing bad about that. I’m glad I did all of that stuff, so it would be weird to keep it a secret. I’d find it a bit uncomfortable if he said he didn’t feel okay talking to me about that. We share everything and I don’t like secrets between us. So it would be weird to not talk about that. It’s fine to say you don’t want to though (as that’s everyone’s right to choose), but I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who didn’t want to share that with me. As for the fact you had a relationship with a mutual acquaintance in the past, personally I’d want that out in the open. How upset would he be if he found out from someone else? I’m friends with several exes. It’s always been a very transparent thing. We even went to one’s wedding! My dh knows the extent of my relationships with them, how serious it was, obviously that we’ve had sex, etc. I didn’t want to hide that as it’s nothing to be embarrassed about but I also wanted him to know before our relationship got serious as I wasn’t giving up my friendships for him and I wanted him to be able to decide if he wasn’t comfortable with that (so he could move on if that’s what he wanted to do). So I’m a fan of full disclosure if the other person wants to know and I would talk to him about it if you’re serious about your relationship. If he’s not a jealous dickhead, it shouldn’t matter too much.

I don't feel like needing to know the details is very healthy. It's fair enough to ask the magic number I guess - for me it's sheer nosiness - but but as long my partner is sti free and careful, it's never had any bearing on whether I like them or not. DH and I know one another's numbers. Not details. I'm not interested. I'm the only one that counts 💅
I would find having to regale him with tales of sexual exploits past tiresome at least and rather odd. Past is past. One shouldn't have to justify if they were relationships or not or whatever. The important thing is if it was all grown adults consenting.

As you have already told your OH how many people you have slept with why does he want to know what you did with them ? is he trying to compare himself with previous partners ?
You where checked at the start of your relationship with him was he also checked?
I have been married many years and my OH would never ever try and belittle me in this way.

I like to know the number, if STI free and if they have ever cheated I oculdnt date a cheater. It sounds only natural to want to know a little of a persons past history if you are hoping to make a future with them.

@BoxsetsAndPopcorn I'm not a cheater, but I did briefly see someone who was in a serious relationship. Which makes me an offending party. This doesn't however have any bearing on who I am now as a person as I was young at the time. My priorities were different, I had just been cheated on and was in a very low point in my life. I can not justify doing it and for me, the guilt of it was punishment enough. However this is the main thing I would prefer DP not to know as I absolutely know he would judge me for it. It means nothing to me now and I don't ever think about it, nor would I ever dream of cheating.

Has the pregnancy made him feel insecure?
This whole thing says way more about him than you need to know.

Is he as forthcoming with his past?
Could he name them all?

Sorry, I get the impression he is looking for reasons not to be with you. I wonder if a friend of his has said something and now he's feeling trapped.

Leaving you because of your past is better than leaving because he's a dick.

@mydogishot I'm fairly sure that's not the case. This conversation has come up before.

I would find it invasive and I wouldn't tell. I also don't tell people about bowel movements or wave sanitary towels around...you are entitled to privacy. My husband knew I was std-clear and I him, that's it. I gather through general chat that I had a lot more sexual partners than he, so what? He knows about my ex I have children with, that's it. I've slept with approx 30 people, always used protection outside marriage, always get a clean std bill of health regularly. Do not feel you have to discuss this at length if YOU do not want to.

Can somebody, anybody explain to how a woman's pregnancy make her partner feel "insecure"

This bollocks gets trotted out on here again and again. Always in mitigation of inexcusable behaviour. I just do not get it, and I certainly do not accept it.

I’m genuinely amazed people care about how many people their partner has slept with!

Wanting to know a partner is STD free is a sensible and useless piece of information. The rest is immaterial.

@AnyFucker I don't think this is the case anyway to be honest. We've had this discussion before and it's nothing new. More likely he's just insecure I general.

Can somebody, anybody explain to how a woman's pregnancy make her partner feel "insecure"

I suppose it could be a fretful time for the sort of guy that is thrilled with the pregnancy and completely committed to the child, but feels some insecurity about whether his partner is likely to stay with him or not. Men have very little control when their partner is pregnant, someone thinking of the worst case scenarios who is insecure already might be envisaging his partner upping and leaving, meeting a new man to raise the baby with, restricting contact, denying him his place on the birth certificate. Perhaps some men (wrongly) believe that the more partners a woman has had the more chance she’ll have different values around sex than monogamy, more exes in the picture to worry about etc.

Those are just some ideas from the top of my head. It makes sense, though it doesn’t say much about the man’s view of women and sexuality.

I would find it odd btw not to discuss sexual pasts, vague or precise ‘numbers’ with a new partner. It’s just a normal part of getting to know someone like anything else from someone’s life until they met you. Plus if I was seeing a man who had a problem with my past number of lovers (I’ve slept with many more than OH) I’d want to know that at the start so if he had a problem that’s valuable info I have about our differing moralities and views on sex. And if a guy found it a problem I’d want to know ASAP to end it rather than know I’m essentially hiding it throughout the relationship, scared of it surfacing if he ever asks (when I could only lie, refuse to answer or tell the truth) and knowing I’ve purposely held back a part of myself from him.

This is all too late for OP though, being pregnant and all.

In your position OP I’d be being honest, if he didn’t like the answer that’s up to him. And you ought to know the views of a man you’ll be raising a child with as he’s likely to pass them onto his kids too.

Anyfucker I always decode "pregnancy makes guys insecure" as "I have the misfortune to be partnered to a complete wanker who is jealous of hell of the fact that he will no longer be the centre of my universe, so now I'm going to generalise wildly about every single man in the world so I don't have to face up to the fact that I unwittingly chose a wanker for myself." As far as I can tell from watching my nice male friends when their partners get pregnant, nice men are over the moon about it.

"I’m genuinely amazed people care about how many people their partner has slept with!"
Why? I dont want someone who has slept with most of the town its just not attractive to me..

I’m genuinely amazed people care about how many people their partner has slept with!

Discussing it doesn’t mean I ‘care’ about the answer so to speak, I’ve had long term fulfilling faithful relationships with a guy who’d had one partner before me and a guy who’d slept with 100+. Neither bother me at all. It’s fairly neutral info. But I’d find it odd for someone to be hiding it and wonder what they were hiding!

Ideally he wouldn't care enough to ask and you wouldn't mind sharing. You're probably making it into a big deal by refusing to talk about it though....

I thought those conversations went out with the arc.

I'm still dating god help me but nobody has asked me my number since before I had children. I'd go off somebody so quickly if they seemed interested in that.

I had a date arranged with a man who seemed critical of the fact that I'd been on 30 internet dates. He implied this meant I didn't know what I wanted [ha]

I’m genuinely amazed people care about how many people their partner has slept with

Why? I didnt want a partner who had slept with a lot of previous partners. It matters to me. It may no matter so much to others but everyone has their own standards.