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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

*possible trigger topic* AIBU paedophile in the family

358 replies

Anon112233 · 07/07/2018 23:18

Looking for some advice on a difficult situation.

My husband's brother is a convicted paedophile. He was charged with serious sexual offences against a family member and was released from prison earlier this year.

My husband and his family have all forgiven his brother and had contact whilst in prison and continue see him regularly now.

My husband and I have a baby and, to date, I have refused to allow my brother-in-law to meet her. However my husband is becoming increasingly frustrated by this and wants his brother to be allowed to meet his niece and for us all to attend family events together so long as he is always supervised.

I'm very reluctant to agree to this. Although we can easily supervise contact now as our child is not yet mobile, when she grows up she will move around the house by herself and, short of trailing after her (I'm picturing waiting outside the bathroom etc!!), I don't see how we can ensure constant supervision. Additionally, as she grows up I don't want to have to explain to my child the reason she can never be alone with her uncle!

Also, my husbands parents have regular contact with my brother-in-law and clearly do not consider him to be a threat. If they have seen that we allow our child to have occasional contact, how can I ensure that they do think it's okay to let him have contact when babysitting etc?? I feel like a blanket 'no contact' rule is more straightforward than 'he is allow to have contact when we are there but we don't trust you to protect her'.

If I decide to continue with no contact, am I within my rights as a parent to make that decision even if my husband disagrees?? How do I explain my feelings to him/help him understand my point of view when he clearly loves and trusts his brother and would like him to be involved in our lives? Do you think I am being unreasonable? Would occasional supervised contact be such a bad thing?

Would ss consider my husband and I to have put our child at risk by allowing supervised contact? And is there anyone we need to inform if supervised contact does take place?

Sorry, lots of questions and they may not make sense but my head is a bit jumbled trying to process this!! Any advice would be gratefully received xx

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 07/07/2018 23:20

I would have thought that his probation officer would have made certain things clear to him. Did this not happen?

The family member he abused - what's happened there? Surely he/she won't want to be around him?

UpstartCrow · 07/07/2018 23:21

Talk to the NSPCC as soon as you can. Your DH and family are at best minimising the risk.

YouTheCat · 07/07/2018 23:23

I'd be asking what his parole conditions are. I'd say a big fat no to your child meeting him and if that is a problem for your dh then I'd be reassessing my relationship.

londonrach · 07/07/2018 23:23

Op. stand your ground here. Is he on the sexual register. Think you need to seek advice but knowingly allowing a convicted paedophile near your dc...no way. You right ss would be interested. Vvv hard decision.

Howareya123 · 07/07/2018 23:23

This is an awful situation to be in. I would feel the exact same way as you in wanting no contact between them whatsoever. Is it not a condition of his release that he cant be around children? I'm not sure about that but I would have thought there should be conditions in place?

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 07/07/2018 23:23

YANBU. Your husband is taking unnecessary risks that he has not right to do. Stuck to your guns and give in. To be honest if I were I’m smy doubt that the in laws wouldn’t respect my views they wouldn’t get to babysit.

Discotits · 07/07/2018 23:24

You don’t have to socialise with him if you don’t want to, and I’m amazed all the family are so forgiving.

I’m interested as to what the abused family member feels about this too.

londonrach · 07/07/2018 23:24

Agree with others above he may be banned from being in contact with dc. You need advice here, specialist x

Cutyourshakehole · 07/07/2018 23:25

If he is sexually attracted to young children then no, not a cats chance in hell I would let him near my child, supervised or otherwise. I wouldn’t want him having thoughts I could have avoided him having by putting the child in his presence. Your partner should respect your wishes. Although I’m confused why they have all forgiven him

Iloveacurry · 07/07/2018 23:25

No way would I allow my child to have contact with this man. I wouldn’t care what my husband said.

GunpowderGelatine · 07/07/2018 23:26

No, no and no again. Your DD will be at risk, even if you allow contact it will start with a strictly supervised visit and before you know it he's tickling her and playing games and you're the only one who feels uncomfortable about it.

It saddens me that people are so quick to forgive vile men like this. I'd never forgive either of my brothers if it was them

mumofmadams · 07/07/2018 23:26

I’m with you, op. Don’t let this monster near your child.

123bananas · 07/07/2018 23:26

I would think it would breach the probation order to have contact with children?

No bloody way would I be letting my child near a convicted paedophile.

welshmist · 07/07/2018 23:27

Not a chance your child will learn to trust this family member. Hard to imagine your OH wanting this.

OwlinaTree · 07/07/2018 23:27

Difficult, I totally understand what you mean about no contact being easier regarding the in laws situation.

The explaining to her is something that you will have to do regardless as she grows, whether she had contact or not.

I don't think I could allow contact tbh. Does your DH think his bro is rehibilitated or does he think he is innocent?

bluemascara · 07/07/2018 23:28

I've had experience in this area. Can't go into it here. Please please DO NOT allow your child to be around this man! Ever!

FarFlungFairy · 07/07/2018 23:28

Nope, Nope, nope and nope.
Fuck that! What about the poor child he abused?! How could your husband and PILS ever forgive that? You’re doing the right thing protecting your child, don’t let anyone guilt trip or gaslight you in to giving a known paedophile who has already abused at least one family child, access to your young daughter.

Bobbiepin · 07/07/2018 23:29

In all honesty if my husband thought exposing my child to a paedophile was a good idea and didn't understand my reservations I would be seriously considering my relationship with him. You are 100% right to stand your ground, well done for doing so. As PP have said I would ask about his parole conditions & if he is prohibited from child contact. If he is and your DH insists on your DC meeting him then I would tell him you'll report for breaking parole and he'll be shipped back to prison. That might stop things.

Mammyloveswine · 07/07/2018 23:29

There is no way i would allow this... tbh id probably reconsider my marriage if my dh couldn't see this as an issue!!!

itscaaaaaminhome · 07/07/2018 23:30

Your husband wants to expose your child to a convicted nonce? I’d be worried your husband had issues in that area too.

OwlinaTree · 07/07/2018 23:30

If she leaves the DH she'll have even less control over who is around her dd.

Elliss2018 · 07/07/2018 23:31

Absolutely no way! Can't believe that all of his family have forgiven and forgotten, and your dh wants this to happen? Confused

Emma145 · 07/07/2018 23:31

I wouldn't want to be around him never mind consider letting my child near them

Why have his family forgiven him did they think he was innocent...I just cannot imagine my DP suggesting something like this even if it was his brother.

newdaylight · 07/07/2018 23:32

Fuck. That.

He will have a sexual harm prevention order...but that might only say for any contact to be always supervised. If it says for no contact full stop and he's wanting to break those terms then police should be notified. Of course you won't know what the order says I guess.

Regardless of the order, fuck that. What on earth are his family playing at?????

DelphiniumBlue · 07/07/2018 23:32

Sounds like it's convenient for all of his family to carry on like it never happened. They've all forgiven him, isn't that lovely, but it suggests they don't have much understanding of his crimes.
What is their attitude towards the child he assaulted? Are they expected to carry on as if everything's fine?
I think you are absolutely right to be worried, if the in laws do not consider him to a threat, they won't protect your daughter, and it sounds as if none of them have come to terms with what has happened.
How does your DH plan to ensure his brother doesn't harm your DD? Its not just about ensuring he is never alone with her, abuse can and does happen in a room full of people, without others realising what is going on. That is even more scary for the victim.
I think you'd be absolutely justified in keeping your DD away from this paedophile.