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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

*possible trigger topic* AIBU paedophile in the family

358 replies

Anon112233 · 07/07/2018 23:18

Looking for some advice on a difficult situation.

My husband's brother is a convicted paedophile. He was charged with serious sexual offences against a family member and was released from prison earlier this year.

My husband and his family have all forgiven his brother and had contact whilst in prison and continue see him regularly now.

My husband and I have a baby and, to date, I have refused to allow my brother-in-law to meet her. However my husband is becoming increasingly frustrated by this and wants his brother to be allowed to meet his niece and for us all to attend family events together so long as he is always supervised.

I'm very reluctant to agree to this. Although we can easily supervise contact now as our child is not yet mobile, when she grows up she will move around the house by herself and, short of trailing after her (I'm picturing waiting outside the bathroom etc!!), I don't see how we can ensure constant supervision. Additionally, as she grows up I don't want to have to explain to my child the reason she can never be alone with her uncle!

Also, my husbands parents have regular contact with my brother-in-law and clearly do not consider him to be a threat. If they have seen that we allow our child to have occasional contact, how can I ensure that they do think it's okay to let him have contact when babysitting etc?? I feel like a blanket 'no contact' rule is more straightforward than 'he is allow to have contact when we are there but we don't trust you to protect her'.

If I decide to continue with no contact, am I within my rights as a parent to make that decision even if my husband disagrees?? How do I explain my feelings to him/help him understand my point of view when he clearly loves and trusts his brother and would like him to be involved in our lives? Do you think I am being unreasonable? Would occasional supervised contact be such a bad thing?

Would ss consider my husband and I to have put our child at risk by allowing supervised contact? And is there anyone we need to inform if supervised contact does take place?

Sorry, lots of questions and they may not make sense but my head is a bit jumbled trying to process this!! Any advice would be gratefully received xx

OP posts:
rogueone · 07/07/2018 23:32

As a convicted sex offender he will be on the sex offender register and have to appear regularly at the local police station. He will have a probation officer and if I were you I wouldn’t be bothering with the family nonsense and forgiveness. Paedophiles cannot be treated, they are what they are. Your DH is being foolish to think your DC is safe.

Notmyrealname85 · 07/07/2018 23:32

No no no no no no no!!!! You cannot run that risk, even supervised contact is too much! Please do not do this, paedophilia is lifelong - he’s just finished his prison sentence, he’s still a paedophile

Goostacean · 07/07/2018 23:33

I am more understanding of the family wanting to forgive, than some pp. But there is a difference between forgiving and forgetting.

You absolutely need to protect your child; there are enough threats out there without purposefully playing with fire. Agree that you should speak to NSPCC (maybe they can encourage DH to see sense?) and possibly SS, to back you up.

Bobbiepin · 07/07/2018 23:34

Is there a children's equivalent of Sarah's Law? You may be able to find out about his parole conditions through that.

rollingonariver · 07/07/2018 23:34

Fuck no.

rollingonariver · 07/07/2018 23:35

Please put your child before your husband.

Gin0clock · 07/07/2018 23:35

Nope, hell would freeze over before I let my child anywhere near a convicted child abuser. I’d also be concerned about DP & his parents ability to protect DD from her uncle.

I’d be interested to hear their excuses for his offending behaviour

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 07/07/2018 23:36

100% on your side.
Same as I wouldn't let my kids out of the car in the tiger enclosure of the Safari park, nor would I knowingly let them anywhere near a convicted paedophile. Surely it's a basic form of protecting your children? Prison won't have miraculously "cured" him. Your DPs family can brush it under the carpet all they want, it won't change it and you're within your rights to refuse.

FermatsTheorem · 07/07/2018 23:36

Stand your ground. Also see if you can get in touch with the team supervising his probation.

I was in a similar position a few years back (only, the first I knew about it was when my relative's probation team contacted me). They advised no contact between my child and said relative. I explained to the relative that while I was prepared to keep in contact by letter (various reasons for this, including a feeling of duty towards his mum, and also a wishy-washy liberal "keep them involved in society where they're visible, rather than forcing them underground out of sight and out of supervision" feeling), he was not to contact my DC. He broke this condition almost immediately (Christmas parcel) so I've been NC ever since.

You cannot mess around with these people. Their whole modus operandi is pushing boundaries and grooming. Not just children, but the adults around them. Your BIL is effectively grooming his parents and brother (your DH) into thinking that he's done his time and is no longer a risk. Then he can access children in the family again. This is not, and will never be safe.

Tinkerbell89 · 07/07/2018 23:38

I wouldn't let him anywhere near the child as he is a high risk. Also get professional advice as he may not be allowed near children and could be breaking his release rules. Protect your child and trust no one else. I'm sorry to say but I would also be worried your husband isn't concerned of the potential risk and threat to your child. This is the biggest issue he should be supporting you and protecting your child, if he isn't that's a bit worrying. If he did then you wouldn't need to worry about the rest of the family so much

SemperIdem · 07/07/2018 23:40

There is not a chance I would allow your brother in law contact with your daughter.

I would rather leave my husband and cite his eagerness to have his child spend time with a convicted paedophile as the main reason for doing so.

blondeemily · 07/07/2018 23:41

Thank you for posting this OP. I find this very interesting as I will be in the same boat if/when I have a baby. Except it's DP's step-father who is the convicted paedophile. DP and his family also see no harm in him having contact with our child, as long as it is always supervised. I know I won't want him anywhere near my children, and I have been asking myself exactly the same questions as you. Don't know where I can get advice from. Not that it is yet relevant for me but I often worry about the future.
You have my sympathy with this Flowers

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/07/2018 23:41

if the in laws do not consider him to a threat, they won't protect your daughter,

This ^

Your child is too precious to put at risk. Paedophiles do NOT change/ reform. He will offend again - or try to. Don't allow your DD to go near him.

MunchMunch · 07/07/2018 23:41

To be honest I don't think your dh would listen to you. Do you honestly think, for instance, if you wanted to go out during the day for a few hours one Saturday with friends that your dh would stick by the no contact rule? Nope! He's probably be round there before you even had a chance to leave your street - playing happy families with ILS and bil.

chipsandgin · 07/07/2018 23:41

I absolutely, categorically would never let a convicted paedo near my child. They would be best of not coming near me either as I’d be very tempted to castrate them with a pair of blunt, rusty scissors.

Where is the family member he abused in this scenario & why would anyone forgive him or think for a second than any decent mother would let a sicko like that near her child?

I’d say I want nothing to do with the whole family TBH & asking some pretty serious questions about your DH (given that he is genuinely alright about about it all)...seriously, he’s ok with exposing his kid, his family think it’s ok...maybe take a proper look at all of them, especially your husband as that’s not normal fir a parent.

SparklyMagpie · 07/07/2018 23:42

Not a chance!!

I can't believe all the family have forgiven him?!?!

That poor family member,as if they hadn't been through enough :(

ShinyPinkLipgloss · 07/07/2018 23:44

Seems like the family want to sweep it all under the carpet and your (entirely reasonable behaviour) is a barrier to that.

I would not under ANY circumstances knowingly allow my child to be under the same roof of a convinced paedophile irrespective of "supervision". Your husband is being entirely unreasonable and I'd be having serious words with him and would refuse to back down on this.

melodybirds · 07/07/2018 23:44

This Uncle should not want to be around children. He should put the childs needs over his own and accept he is not welcome at all family events. Instead he wants to meet his niece.

I'm another one who questions your husband and what the relationship is with the abused person. The family dynamics sound awful tbh.

bakedlikeabun · 07/07/2018 23:44

So if they've forgiven the offender and welcomed him back into the family, what has happened re the abused person/child?
I can understand parents staying in touch with their son no matter what he did, but that can't extend to bringing a child into this messed up situation.

coconutpie · 07/07/2018 23:45

There's no way in hell I would allow my child to be around a convicted paedophile. Wtf is your DH thinking? He will spend the time grooming you all to think he's fine and then slowly but surely he'll get access to children in the family again. Is your DH happy to knowingly put your darling baby in the same room as a monster who will be having disgusting thoughts about your baby? Like wtf? Your DH needs a serious dose of common sense here.

Ghanagirl · 07/07/2018 23:45

YADNBU!
I’m not sure why your DH would even consider letting your DD anywhere near his brother or his enabling parents...

Tinkerbell89 · 07/07/2018 23:45

...let the police know what's going on and they can advise you best and monitor what's happening

Failingat40 · 07/07/2018 23:45

Yanbu.

Child Protection must always take precedence over any family loyalties. This man is a convicted paedophile.

I do not believe men with these tendencies can ever be cured or rehabilitated. As long as they have their testicles they will always have these urges.

I would not allow this man to hold, talk to or gift anything to my child. I would absolutely never allow contact between them or facilitate any kind of relationship between him and your child. If I suspected that others would facilitate it behind my back (it sounds like your dh and his parents might) I'd cut them off. Seriously.

Your DH absolutely needs to be fully on board with you in this.

Birdsgottafly · 07/07/2018 23:45

It's unusual for there not to be past abuse in a Pedophile's life.

The way the Family are rallying round, as though it's a lesser crime, would make me wonder about the whole situation, tbh.

I would contact the Police, first, to find out about any conditions put on him.

The issue is that once a single Man is seen having contact a Family Members child, he is often considered 'safe' by other Parents and Children. Which then puts them in danger. It gives him access to Schools/Sports clubs and other places.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/07/2018 23:45

Noway on gods earth would he be allowed near my vulnerable child. If your dh is allowing and supporting this, it would be the end of our relationship, as he is putting a convicted Paedophile before his dd safety.