*possible trigger topic* AIBU paedophile in the family

[Anon112233]

Looking for some advice on a difficult situation.

My husband's brother is a convicted paedophile. He was charged with serious sexual offences against a family member and was released from prison earlier this year.

My husband and his family have all forgiven his brother and had contact whilst in prison and continue see him regularly now.

My husband and I have a baby and, to date, I have refused to allow my brother-in-law to meet her. However my husband is becoming increasingly frustrated by this and wants his brother to be allowed to meet his niece and for us all to attend family events together so long as he is always supervised.

I'm very reluctant to agree to this. Although we can easily supervise contact now as our child is not yet mobile, when she grows up she will move around the house by herself and, short of trailing after her (I'm picturing waiting outside the bathroom etc!!), I don't see how we can ensure constant supervision. Additionally, as she grows up I don't want to have to explain to my child the reason she can never be alone with her uncle!

Also, my husbands parents have regular contact with my brother-in-law and clearly do not consider him to be a threat. If they have seen that we allow our child to have occasional contact, how can I ensure that they do think it's okay to let him have contact when babysitting etc?? I feel like a blanket 'no contact' rule is more straightforward than 'he is allow to have contact when we are there but we don't trust you to protect her'.

If I decide to continue with no contact, am I within my rights as a parent to make that decision even if my husband disagrees?? How do I explain my feelings to him/help him understand my point of view when he clearly loves and trusts his brother and would like him to be involved in our lives? Do you think I am being unreasonable? Would occasional supervised contact be such a bad thing?

Would ss consider my husband and I to have put our child at risk by allowing supervised contact? And is there anyone we need to inform if supervised contact does take place?

Sorry, lots of questions and they may not make sense but my head is a bit jumbled trying to process this!! Any advice would be gratefully received xx

It’s funny how you say your OH and in laws have forgiven him, who gave them the right to forgive him? Surely that belongs to the victim only. So are they still in contact with the victim? So they think he has just turned his urges off like a light switch? Come back OP.

if you are ever thinking of leaving your DH olease get legal advice. Don't feel like you are trapped in this marriage because of this situation.

currently feeling very sorry for the abused family member

Even if they're never left alone together, absolutely no way would I be taking the chance that my DC could be wank fodder for a bucking paedophile.

OP this is such an awful situation. You really need to show your partner (not in the heat of the moment, but in a calm, designated conversation with time set aside) the statistics on reoffending. He wants to believe his brother wont do it again, but the numbers say something different. He needs to see that he's placing his optimism higher than his baby's safety right now. It will be very inconvenient to the rest of his family. That's unfortunate, but only his brother is responsible for this dilemma. You need to communicate that he will not be the one breaking up his family dynamic. It's already broken. He will feel guilt over being the one who wont play along with their decision. You need to remind him that he is responsible for the protection of your family unit, not his parents and siblings.

You've had suggestions to leave him over this - I would say that is the worst thing you could possibly do in order to safe guard your baby. Once your time with her is split you will have no influence at all over what he does in his time.

blondeemily do not have children with your current partner. He has already admitted that he will expect his children to have contact with his step father. Even if you were to end your relationship later, if he is the father of your children, they will remain at risk of such poor judgement. There wont be anything you can do to stop it.

He's only remorseful because he got caught. Without going into too much detail does your husband and family have any idea of what these sickos actually do to children ? I mean physically do to them ? Makes me feel ill , you need to have a very serious talk with DH . That poor victim , I'm furious on their behalf that they have to face their abuser . Your husbands family are fucking disgusting and I wouldn't be surprised if the brother wasn't the only paedophile amongst them.

For the sake of your child, you have to go no contact with your husbands brother and unfortunately, I would not let anyone else in his family have unsupervised contact with your daughter as they clearly can’t be trusted not to prevent contact with your BIL. Please stay strong on this OP - you are definitely doing the right thing.

I think you should ring the police and ss, and explain your concerns. Maybe someone from ss coming out for a chat with dh, would make him see sense. As he's been convicted they would take this quite seriously. Tell dh that if he or in laws have this man around your dd, ever, you'll involve the police and ss again, and plaster what they've done all over social media to boot.

The scary thing is, you'll never know for sure, if he or in laws are allowed to supervise. I wouldn't let ils supervise. Ever.

I also think your dh's views on this are off, and that it's like he doesn't think what his brother's done is that bad..? That would really worry me too. If any relative of mine had done this, they would never see my child again, while they were a child anyways. As pp's have said, abuse can so easily happen in "plain sight", under a table, a blanket, in a hallway. And I also agree with pp who said while these men still have balls, they won't stop. Grooming and abusing children becomes like an obsession/addiction

I think you need to find out if he is still on parole and if there is anything in place as part of his parole order to prevent contact with children. Does he live with his parents? Their home and access to children would have been assessed prior to him being given parole. You might not be entitled to find out the details of his order, but his probation officer will be able to breach him if you inform them what is happening. I honestly would have nothing to do with him. When the police come and take your PILs door off the hinges and arrest him and seize all the computers you will be proved right. I interview paedophiles as part of my job and believe me the ones I have seen will never change.

Your instincts are right- please don't have anything to do with this man. Maybe call the NSPCC with your DH so he can get a dose of reality?

It really feels that the family’s ‘forgiveness’ (I agree with the PP who questioned their ‘right to forgive’) is a huge red flag for me, especially as the victim appears at family events to not rock the boat. Her horrifying experience has been minimised by her family - and I guarantee that the same thing would happen again. I don’t subscribe to scaremongering, but in this case, you need to absolutely maintain the NC. His boundaries are non-existent and although some paedophiles ‘manage’ their desires in the community, his abuse patterns would indicate that’s unlikely in this case, however sorry he is.

Stand firm.

The forgivingness of the family makes me feel uneasy. The victim has expressed sympathy for him? As PP said, this is a huge red flag. Also surely in his parole agreement he should not be in the same vicinity as his victim or any children? I would be raising this concern with the police

So, he sexually abused a family member, did time and is then just welcomed back like he'd been away on a gap year and his victim is just expected to suck it up. Are your IL's the Duggars?

You can tell your DH from me, he and his family are all shades of fucked up.

What a terrible situation for you to be in OP.

I have only skimmed through the thread as I’m at work, so apologies if a pp has mentioned but do think about how you’ll handle this if your DH ever takes dc out on his own. Will you trust him not to take her to meet him behind your back?

I ‘get’ why they feel like they have forgiven him, paedophiles are manipulative by nature and no one wants to believe that their family member is such a monster. However I absolutely cannot understand your DH wanting to introduce ANY child, let alone his own, to a paedophile. There is no need.

I feel so sorry for the family member having to downplay her experience for the good of the family. I hope she find the courage to fuck them all off.

A friend of mine work with a guy who had indecent images on his PC, some severe abuse pictures and he was caught and punished. Then he was caught again, but people still wanted to socialize with him.

I couldnt be in the same room as paedophile. The idea makes me want to vomit.

I could not carry on loving someone who put the feelings of his dirty bastard pervert brother above the safety of his child.

Paedophiles are attracted to children, they are vile and un-natural pieces of shit. They cannot be cured. Do not expose your child to this creature. He should not even be allowed to breath the same air as your child let alone be in the same room!!!

As for your husband, I couldnt get over the fact he would be okay with putting a dirty vile perverted monster in the same room as her. To grow up around. Oh my god it makes me sick to my stomach!!

Never ever ever allow it, doesn't matter how much water goes under the bridge.

The minute he needs your DD he can potentially groom her without you even knowing.

He's already abused a family member so why would your DD be any different.

I would make it very very clear that whilst your DD is a minor you will never allow him to meet her, and if your dh does it behind your back you'll leave him and if your in laws do it make it clear that's the end of their relationship with her too.

You have to go zero tolerance with no room for misinterpretation.

I would tell your DH, if he wants to make your DD into the next victim, he better piss off back to his parents.

Im sorry to comment again, i just cant even het my head around this.

If he hurt your child would his family forgive him again?

Would your dd just have to suck it up for the sake of the family like his other poor poor victim?

"So, he sexually abused a family member, did time and is then just welcomed back like he'd been away on a gap year and his victim is just expected to suck it up. Are your IL's the Duggars?

You can tell your DH from me, he and his family are all shades of fucked up."

^ this

Why is the poor victim being forced to socialise with people who are welcoming her abuser back with open arms?

I would find out what the conditions of his being out of prison are, firstly. When a family member sexually abused his daughter, he was imprisoned and on his release is allowed absolutely NO contact with her. So it makes me that this man can still have contact with his victim.

Her family are actively taking his side over the abuse and this poor girl will have life ling issues because of this.

And no way in hell would this person be in the same house, let alone room as my child

The family who say they love & forgive this man & want to believe the best felt exactly the same way before he abused his family member & he was able to do it then.
He will do it again given half the chance.

I'd be very concerned that your husband seems to be pressuring you to force your baby girl into contact with a convicted paedophile.

If it was anyone but his brother, surely you would leave your husband for trying to get you to permit a paedophile to have contact with your child?

Maybe explain it to him that way, not that it is his brother, but ask him who else is a convicted paedophile that he wishes to have around his daughter & why?

Personally, I'd be completely no contact with the brother in law, worried about leaving my child with anyone in his family in case they permitted contact/abuse to take place & seriously worrying who I had married.

If you're not being told what his conditions are perhaps you could try using Sarah's law.

Personally with my own experience, given how the family are behaving I'd leave and not let them know where we are. I'll probably get flamed, but I would. And have nothing to do with any of them ever again.

They're massively minimising, not supporting the victim at all. Sadly this is not unusual. People don't want to truly admit to themselves that someone they're related to is able to do this.

As pps have said abuse takes no time at all, can happen in a room full of people, and has life changing consequences for the victim/s.

I'd be very surprised if this person has committed only one assault, on only one person.

Actually given what you've said re the victim I'd be VERY surprised if having contact with them isn't a breach of his parole conditions. In your position I'd be speaking to police and ss re that alone! I agree this family has serious issues all round.

I'd honestly be getting the hell away from all of them.