*possible trigger topic* AIBU paedophile in the family

[Anon112233]

Looking for some advice on a difficult situation.

My husband's brother is a convicted paedophile. He was charged with serious sexual offences against a family member and was released from prison earlier this year.

My husband and his family have all forgiven his brother and had contact whilst in prison and continue see him regularly now.

My husband and I have a baby and, to date, I have refused to allow my brother-in-law to meet her. However my husband is becoming increasingly frustrated by this and wants his brother to be allowed to meet his niece and for us all to attend family events together so long as he is always supervised.

I'm very reluctant to agree to this. Although we can easily supervise contact now as our child is not yet mobile, when she grows up she will move around the house by herself and, short of trailing after her (I'm picturing waiting outside the bathroom etc!!), I don't see how we can ensure constant supervision. Additionally, as she grows up I don't want to have to explain to my child the reason she can never be alone with her uncle!

Also, my husbands parents have regular contact with my brother-in-law and clearly do not consider him to be a threat. If they have seen that we allow our child to have occasional contact, how can I ensure that they do think it's okay to let him have contact when babysitting etc?? I feel like a blanket 'no contact' rule is more straightforward than 'he is allow to have contact when we are there but we don't trust you to protect her'.

If I decide to continue with no contact, am I within my rights as a parent to make that decision even if my husband disagrees?? How do I explain my feelings to him/help him understand my point of view when he clearly loves and trusts his brother and would like him to be involved in our lives? Do you think I am being unreasonable? Would occasional supervised contact be such a bad thing?

Would ss consider my husband and I to have put our child at risk by allowing supervised contact? And is there anyone we need to inform if supervised contact does take place?

Sorry, lots of questions and they may not make sense but my head is a bit jumbled trying to process this!! Any advice would be gratefully received xx

If you read the post you wrote that your husband and his parents do not consider this individual to be a threat . But he is not a threat to them ... he is a threat to children . That’s what you need to explain to your husband , in no uncertain terms .

It sounds like a very painful situation @fussy

It’s absolutely abhorrent beyond words that that piece of shit is in society, free to destroy other children, with the full aid of his trash relatives. It’s a huge achievement to get the police to even bother going after a nonce, getting an actual conviction is so rare. The nonces brother getting frustrated that the nonce can’t access his child is CHILLING, do not let the paedo anywhere near your child under any circumstance. The paedo supporters are equally dangerous. It should be rotting in jail for the rest of its life, I wouldn’t know what to do in the future, if you’ve married in to a family of paedo supporters you really cannot leave your child for 1 second, don’t even let the kid sit on any of their laps, none of them can be trusted. Horrific.

Haven’t RTFT. I would be in contact with his probation officer, maybe explaining that you want to know the details of your BILs conditions are- it’s likely that any contact with your DD will be viewed as bad anyway, maybe see if he can speak to your in laws about it, then it doesn’t come from you directly.

It’s a bit of a limbo situation you’re in though, if you leave our DH because of this he will have unsupervised contact and you’re in even less control then.

I’d not want BIL anywhere near either.

I can’t believe that the previous victim still has contact .WTF

If you allow contact even supervised Uncle will be seen as a trusted adult by your child.
No way would I allow that.

Why don't people read the whole thread? This is a 'Zombie' thread but has been resurrected - for a reason.

Respond to that.

Yes it is an old thread MrsCat, thanks for pointing that out, I hadn't noticed.

I wonder why it has been resurrected? Maybe some new development?

My fault it’s been resurrected. I wanted to offer a little insight from an insiders perspective. To all of you shouting that paedos souls burn in hell and how can I even bare to acknowledge him, I used to say stuff like that too. Then last year my beloved brother who was my hero turns out to be a vile evil monster. It’s been nearly a year since he was arrested. The family has been torn apart. My mother died the year before and I was glad but she would never have forgiven me if I had turned my back on him. She was abused as a child by her father. It’s such a complicated emotion to love and loath at the same time. I hope none of you ever have to face what my family has and you can not say what you would do ‘if it was you’ because you’ll feel differently when is. My brother deserves to be locked away, but he can’t stay in there forever. I wish there was an island he could be dropped on far far away from everyone else. Like I said though., he’ll never change. It’s ingrained on his soul he’s a predator.

I'm very late to this thread but still had to reply - OP, YANBU at all. You are protecting your child. I would never allow my children around known paedophiles. Supervised or unsupervised.

Ah just realised this is an old thread

I hope none of you ever have to face what my family has and you can not say what you would do ‘if it was you’ because you’ll feel differently when is.

Faced it. He's dead to us.

@Anon112233 what a dreadful situation. I would have thought a blanket no contact rule!! Your child as they grow older will be familiar with him around and it's incredibly dangerous.

I would doubt my DH's sanity if he was insisting on this! And my marriage. Your children's safety is paramount. What happened to the relative he abused? Is she supposed to act normal with him?

I wouldn't dream of allowing any sort of contact, you would never forgive yourself if something happened! Another thing I would keep in mind is letting the grandparents babysit, would they take it upon themselves to let him visit while she is there. If you ever split up with your DH would they respect your views or think they know best and put your DD in danger.

Don't think I'd be comfortable with him seeing my child.

Would your DH be so forgiving if it was his DD that had been abused? I'm not sure how i would feel about my DH if he was taking this attitude in this situation.
If you were estranged from your DH, I wonder what the authorities view on contact would be, given that DH has openly said he's happy for his DD to be in the company of a convicted paedophile.

I feel sorry for the victim here as everyone being so forgiving and her being put in his reach again is sending her a message that what he did to her wasn't really that bad.

Sadly I'm not surprised at the family reaction, some families operate like that "let's sweep it under the carpet and not talk about it". The poor person that was abused, after having the courage to report it to the Police and then take it to court to have their family act like this. I would seriously question contact with anyone, not just the paedophile.

I'd have thought the OP would probably have made her decisions in the six months since her posting and your ever so important opinions that had already been offered six months ago by people who dont respond to zombie threads.

Ask DH how he would feel if something went wrong. Because it would be entirely his fault.

Also ask why he is prioritising the happiness of his convicted paedophile brother over the safety of his own child.

What the hell. I mean generally second chances are good, but I agree far too risky. This isn't just some internet percent who had pics on his PC either but full on abuse sexual abuse. Absolute no no. You're right firstly incredibly impractical long term and second will quickly slide by DP and PIL who feel he is no risk so you will be doing this all alone.

I am sorry for your pain @fussyfuzzy

I too feel for you fussyfuzzy. A very bad situation for you to find yourself in, quite out of the blue.

Families of people who commit terrible crimes are victims too. Not their fault.

I'd be prepared to divorce rather than that happen.

And I'd get straight in contact with the Probation Service, Police and anybody else I could think of to tell them that he's bugging for contact, especially if there are texts to substantiate it, but even if there aren't.

And I'd be prepared to divorce over doing that as well - and applying for a Prohibited Steps Order (or whatever the equivalent is now if it's changed) ensuring that not one single member of the family - INCLUDING the father - is permitted any contact with my baby because they are seeking to facilitate a convicted paedophile having contact with a child almost the moment he has been released.

Scorched earth policy. Hard, but definitely worth every penny, both financial and emotional.

One point worry reiterating is that he really didn't go to prison for a year for "touching someone ". Really he didn't.

I wonder if the police would be able to let you access his record or whatever via Clare's law?

This may get lost in comments but il just put it out. My exs grandfather is a reg sex offender. He did time in jail for years of abuse on a younger family member. My ex and his family protest hes not guilty she made it all up he only pleaded guilty for a shorted jail time. When my dd was born exs sister asked could she take my dd to see him as in her words hes dieing to see his first great granddaughter. I said no and stood firm and even said i dont even want him seeing a picture. Ex kept pushing and i said im happy to call nspc or social to see their views on it. They still asked a few times and i finally snapped and said i will not have my children around someone who abused another child. The fact he pleaded guilty and they still thought he wasnt was a red flat. When i left my ex he was 25 a week after our breakup he was in a sexual relationship with a 15 year old child and his family welcomed her into the house. Im happy i stood my ground as the family have a crap view on things like this.

Are you kidding? No contact unless you want to risk scarring your child for life to make your husband and paedophile brother in law feel better.