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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

*possible trigger topic* AIBU paedophile in the family

358 replies

Anon112233 · 07/07/2018 23:18

Looking for some advice on a difficult situation.

My husband's brother is a convicted paedophile. He was charged with serious sexual offences against a family member and was released from prison earlier this year.

My husband and his family have all forgiven his brother and had contact whilst in prison and continue see him regularly now.

My husband and I have a baby and, to date, I have refused to allow my brother-in-law to meet her. However my husband is becoming increasingly frustrated by this and wants his brother to be allowed to meet his niece and for us all to attend family events together so long as he is always supervised.

I'm very reluctant to agree to this. Although we can easily supervise contact now as our child is not yet mobile, when she grows up she will move around the house by herself and, short of trailing after her (I'm picturing waiting outside the bathroom etc!!), I don't see how we can ensure constant supervision. Additionally, as she grows up I don't want to have to explain to my child the reason she can never be alone with her uncle!

Also, my husbands parents have regular contact with my brother-in-law and clearly do not consider him to be a threat. If they have seen that we allow our child to have occasional contact, how can I ensure that they do think it's okay to let him have contact when babysitting etc?? I feel like a blanket 'no contact' rule is more straightforward than 'he is allow to have contact when we are there but we don't trust you to protect her'.

If I decide to continue with no contact, am I within my rights as a parent to make that decision even if my husband disagrees?? How do I explain my feelings to him/help him understand my point of view when he clearly loves and trusts his brother and would like him to be involved in our lives? Do you think I am being unreasonable? Would occasional supervised contact be such a bad thing?

Would ss consider my husband and I to have put our child at risk by allowing supervised contact? And is there anyone we need to inform if supervised contact does take place?

Sorry, lots of questions and they may not make sense but my head is a bit jumbled trying to process this!! Any advice would be gratefully received xx

OP posts:
Floradoranora · 08/07/2018 02:22

The way the Family are rallying round, as though it's a lesser crime, would make me wonder about the whole situation, tbh.

I’m with you on this and I suspect there’s a history of abuse in the familiy.

Italiangreyhound · 08/07/2018 02:31

No way would I ever want my child to have any sort of contact with a convicted pedophile.

I think your husband is being very reckless to even consider it.

It's all very well to forgive this man but forgiving doesn't mean you allow a situation to occur where a person (your child) could be abused.

I would get all the legal advice you can, and I would seriously consider not being with a partner who seems to put his brother above his own child.

Totally agree with @FermatsTheorem at Sat 07-Jul-18 23:51:55
'Bit of an aside, but @blondeemily you are in the fortunate position of not having children yet. If I were you (and as you can see from my post upthread, I speak from experience of having such a person in my relatively close family), I would not have children with your current partner if he cannot see the importance of keeping them away from his step father. Even if this meant divorcing him and starting again with someone who didn't have such fucked up boundaries.'

Men and women who say that they forgive pedophiles and are not worried about supervised contact etc are very foolish and it is not their right to accept this risk on behalf of a defenseless child!

Oddcat · 08/07/2018 02:45

Maybe show your husband this thread Op.

Italiangreyhound · 08/07/2018 02:48

It is so rare on here to find a threat where everyone agrees, but this thread seems to be unanimous.

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 08/07/2018 02:49

He will have conditions and I suspect that they are to have no contact with children

Unfortunately many families are willing to give loved ones anothe chance and believe they have changed he will most certainly be claiming he has

I wouldn’t allow my child around him no matter who else was there. Many will spend years grooming and they will also be manipulating others at the same time

Sorry but you are going to have problems with your dh and his family if they believe he is now safe to be around children

AnonUser2018 · 08/07/2018 03:16

I can empathise wholeheartedly OP. Have namechanged for this.

My BIL was charged for having indecent images of children on his computer, and engaging on a paedo forum a couple of years ago. He was spared jail. He now lives with my inlaws, and my dh has always been very close to them all. We live very nearby to them.

We have two young children, and were sent a letter from our county council MASH team to say BIL is to have no unsupervised contact. Dh's family have forgiven and forgotten, and we often spend time round at the in-laws when he is there. It's tense for me, I can't relax as get nervous when the kids want to go and play football in the park with their uncle etc The rest of us look at eachother then someone has to make up a lame excuse or offer to accompany them. Same with lifts in the car, or if they want to go upstairs to play where BIL is etc.

Birthdays and Christmas we have to play happy families Hmm

It's very hard. I'll never forgive him or leave him alone with my kids for a second. My dh doesn't think he's a threat as it the images were all of the opposite sex to our kids! Angry

Good luck with the NSPCC.

fieryginger · 08/07/2018 03:38

I'll never forget, being on a fishing trip on holiday, the captain of the boat asked if I wanted to steer the wheel and as I sat there, on a small boat, with my mom and dad sitting there and some other people too, he put my hand where he shouldn't. I was about 6 or 7. My parents were inches away from me and I didn't understand.

Do you want to have a conversation with your 4/5/6/7 etc year old about what her uncle should or shouldn't do? If he is in contact, you're going to have to. At some point we teach our kids Stranger Danger, but you're NOT dealing with a stranger. You're inviting a convicted pedophile into your child's life and it's not a risk worth taking.

YANBU. I think you would be being unreasonable to go along with DH and his family. I think they are being unreasonable to even suggest it.

Sammyham88 · 08/07/2018 04:06

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Namethatchange · 08/07/2018 04:06

YADNBU however it is going to be incredibly hard for you to police the no contact rule. Do you know the full details of the offence, sentence and if his RSO order prohibits anything? If not, and even if you think you do but are not sure, I'd apply to the police under Sarahs law for full disclosure. I'd then be contacting SS to see what their opinion would be. Its very difficult because you need your husband on side with this and if he isn't and you split he can happily leave your BIL babysitting your child and you would have no knowledge, hopefully if you could get full disclosure it may shock him into seeing it differently.I think you could get a prohibited steps order banning family members (inc DH) from bringing your DC into contact with BIL, may be worth speaking to a solicitor once you have all the info from the police and SS.

AnonUser2018 · 08/07/2018 04:17

Sammyham88 Hmm no need to attack the OP. What a horrible and unhelpful post.

Sammyham88 · 08/07/2018 04:25

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Awwlookatmybabyspider · 08/07/2018 04:29

Sammy. Either you have not read a word what op has said or you are deliberately choosing to be an arse hole.
None of us want sick fuckers in society but what realistically can we do. Op never let this cunt out of jail.Angry, did she

Devilishpyjamas · 08/07/2018 04:43

Sammy you sound ridiculous. Put that pitchfork down - it’s directed st the wrong person and unhelpful.

Namethatchange’s suggestions sound good. I wonder whether police/probation or SS would talk to your dh and be blunt about the risks. As others have said you need him on side. Not going along with the family fucked up narrative that all is fine.

Sammyham88 · 08/07/2018 04:46

I've read every word of OP post. Realistically what we can do is not allow these sick fuckers to feel like they can integrate back in to society again.
Like really? If you knew someone who was a convicted peado you'd let them in to your life? If I was in the situation I'd be leaving my partner for even talking to this POS again.

GotTheKey · 08/07/2018 04:56

YANBU. You are protecting your child. Your DH's family are not comprehending the risk he poses and by not doing so, it increases it. I would agree no contact too. It's not worth the risk IMO!

rotavixsucks · 08/07/2018 05:06

Speaking from experience, he will not change...once a paedophile always a paedophile even if they've managed to convince family members otherwise, or they have chosen to bury their head in the sand and ignore it.

Please do not allow your child any contact with this person or leave them with anyone who has contact with them.

The effects of childhood sexual abuse are devastating for both the victim and their families (if the truth comes out-often victims do not speak out, myself included until very recently),

Floradoranora · 08/07/2018 05:09

Sammy I’ve reported your posts.

PersonWithAVulva · 08/07/2018 05:22

I would not even be considering or a second that this person could be anywhere near a child of mine. Infact, given the fact that it seems others in the family have 'forgiven' him I would not be allowing them unsupervised contact with my child either, as they clearly have terrible judgement. Please do not feel too harsh. And don't let them wear you down either.

PrincessBananaHammok · 08/07/2018 05:23

Sammy, Op isn't letting him back into her life, read then reread her post Hmm

To op, a thousand times no, there'd be no way I'd be letting him anywhere near my child, like a pp said I wouldn't share pics in case there's a chance he could see.

In regards to the victim, I feel devastated for her, the fact her family is downplaying it and she has to see him is horrible Sad

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/07/2018 05:32

Hi Anon
Is the victim safe? It doesn’t sound like it. Take this opportunity to speak to the police and let them know the victim has been brainwashed. They will hopefully also give you some advice for your baby or maybe direct you to the parole officer. I would allow no contact at any time to protect your child and others, who you will meet as your baby grows up. Imagine he attacked or raped a friend’s child!

As for the in laws. It sounds very much as if you will never be able trust them to look after your baby alone. They have already made it abundantly clear where their loyalty lies and it’s not with the victim.

You are right not to care if he had shown remorse. You don’t know if he’s genuinely committed his life to try to right the wrong as much as he is able by committing to never again offending or whether it is a ruse to lull the family into a false sense of security and gain access to the next generation of children.

This is definitely a time when sharing the thread is a good idea. There was a thread on here a couple of years ago where the pils had looked after their grandchild and against the express wishes of the parents allowed access to the convicted paedophile. I don’t think anything happened but it was chilling reading to see how little the gps cared about their gc.

Flora - me too

Honestlyhelpful · 08/07/2018 05:56

Sammyham88

I’d suggest you leave this thread and leave OP alone.
I’ve reported your unhelpful and aggressive posts as well.

NameChangedAgain18 · 08/07/2018 06:11

If you knew someone who was a convicted peado you'd let them in to your life? If I was in the situation I'd be leaving my partner for even talking to this POS again.

And if you did, your children would be spending time, perhaps 50% of their lives, in the care of their father, who clearly sees no problem with his paedophile brother. How would that keep them safe? Perhaps try to think things through next time before attacking people.

Fflamingo · 08/07/2018 06:16

The worry is the DH and the ILs - if they have minimised the crime, perhaps in their heads blame the victim for leading him on, or some such justification, then they won't protect your DC properly.
How old was the victim?
Perhaps you can find some articles or info about paedophilia for DH to read because I think it isn't 'curable', from what I have read, so then you will be talking about facts and you aren't letting emotions or pity or whatever influence DH so much. Also the mention above of paedophiles having been abused themselves. What could have happened in the past?

londonrach · 08/07/2018 06:33

Reported sammy too.

Op..im vvvv concerned the victim is being forced to see him. Please get advice from someone specialist. Again i report dont allow dd to ever meet him

Angelicinnocent · 08/07/2018 06:37

I can honestly say that having to ask my young child if a person that had unsupervised contact with them had ever done anything to them (fortunately they hadn't) when he was arrested for abusing another child, was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

OP, imagine in about 6 years time, trying to ask your daughter if he's ever touched her while not scaring her and trying to preserve her innocence. It's harder than you think.

Keep her away, trust your instincts.