*possible trigger topic* AIBU paedophile in the family

[Anon112233]

Looking for some advice on a difficult situation.

My husband's brother is a convicted paedophile. He was charged with serious sexual offences against a family member and was released from prison earlier this year.

My husband and his family have all forgiven his brother and had contact whilst in prison and continue see him regularly now.

My husband and I have a baby and, to date, I have refused to allow my brother-in-law to meet her. However my husband is becoming increasingly frustrated by this and wants his brother to be allowed to meet his niece and for us all to attend family events together so long as he is always supervised.

I'm very reluctant to agree to this. Although we can easily supervise contact now as our child is not yet mobile, when she grows up she will move around the house by herself and, short of trailing after her (I'm picturing waiting outside the bathroom etc!!), I don't see how we can ensure constant supervision. Additionally, as she grows up I don't want to have to explain to my child the reason she can never be alone with her uncle!

Also, my husbands parents have regular contact with my brother-in-law and clearly do not consider him to be a threat. If they have seen that we allow our child to have occasional contact, how can I ensure that they do think it's okay to let him have contact when babysitting etc?? I feel like a blanket 'no contact' rule is more straightforward than 'he is allow to have contact when we are there but we don't trust you to protect her'.

If I decide to continue with no contact, am I within my rights as a parent to make that decision even if my husband disagrees?? How do I explain my feelings to him/help him understand my point of view when he clearly loves and trusts his brother and would like him to be involved in our lives? Do you think I am being unreasonable? Would occasional supervised contact be such a bad thing?

Would ss consider my husband and I to have put our child at risk by allowing supervised contact? And is there anyone we need to inform if supervised contact does take place?

Sorry, lots of questions and they may not make sense but my head is a bit jumbled trying to process this!! Any advice would be gratefully received xx

It takes seconds to abuse a child. Seconds. It can happen when other people are in the room. Please don’t put your little one at risk. If you and your DH allow your BIL around your daughter then you are teaching her he is a safe person and that he can be trusted. Your BIL’s family (including your DH) are minimising his history. Say a loud hell no and mean it.

have you any idea of age and sex of the victim or the history of the offence - that would give you some idea of the risk. to your child.

No way in hell I'd let him anywhere near my kids. The fact that your DH and PIL even think that's an option screams that he's convinced them that he's not a threat and they will do sod all to protect her.

And once your daughter has friends are you going to tell the parents, associate your DD and you with his disgusting behaviour, and allow them to protect their own kids? Or are you going to put every child she befriends at risk by not telling their parents that you are giving a convicted paedophile access to their children

I would be very concerned OP, I would be questioning my marriage if my dh condoned the sexual abuse of children and wanted to introduce our vulnerable, innocent baby girl to a Monster who has been imprisoned for sexually abusing a child!

If he honestly thinks it is ok for his Evil brother to meet his daughter, then his sense of right and wrong are very warped! I would be very concerned that he himself believed the sexual abuse of children to be normal! I would be very wary of him (your dh) being alone with your daughter actually.

I would be giving an ultimatum, if your in laws and husband insist on having contact with Paedophile BIL, then you will have nothing to do with them. Your dd would have zero contact with grandparents and your dh would have contact with dd via a contact centre/ or supervised access with a family member of yours.

I feel incredibly strongly about this! I would take this stance with my own family in that situation!

If your h continues to insist on contact with his b, then I would report them both, your bil to probation officer and your h to social services.

I'd also want to stop ILs photographing the DC, for fear the images were shared with him. Please don't risk exposing your child to this man.

I would be reconsidering my relationship with DH. Except, if you split up, could he have access to your child and allow his brother to be around. There must be some rules about his release which you need to find out more about.

I'd actually leave my marriage if I had a DH pushing for this to happen

Thats his baby girl !!

Just no no no, hell would freeze over before even contemplating

OP you’ve posted something incredibly worrying and then disappeared

Bit of an aside, but @blondeemily you are in the fortunate position of not having children yet. If I were you (and as you can see from my post upthread, I speak from experience of having such a person in my relatively close family), I would not have children with your current partner if he cannot see the importance of keeping them away from his step father. Even if this meant divorcing him and starting again with someone who didn't have such fucked up boundaries.

Sorry, that's probably not what you want to hear. But I really suggest you sit down and take the time out to think about this very, very carefully. Because once your children are here, you will not be able to protect them unless both parents are totally on board with putting child safeguarding ahead of family loyalties (as OP is, tragically, beginning to find out).

Fuck that. Where's the victim in all of this?

I can forgive a lot, but I could never forgive someone that sexually assaulted another person, let alone a child. What is wrong with these people? I would have absolutely no respect for anyone that would want to expose my child to scum like that, and I would certainly never let them have unsupervised access.

@Timefortea99 I've also just been wondering that

Surely even still, he couldn't be allowed to take his daughter around this monster could he?

Hell would experience an ice age before I was in the same room as him, let alone let my dc anywhere near him.

You really need professional advice. Speak to the police and to ss. They’re both highly motivated to avoid risk to your child, they will both have experts on this who can advise you, and perhaps even more importantly in your situation, it provides you with something no-one can argue with if you’re following their advice about contact.

As someone has already said forgiving is not the same as forgetting. Someone might steal from me, get caught and serve whatever punishment the law dealt out - I would absolutely forgive him, but that doesn’t mean I’d let him wander around my house with my valuables lying around.

What a hard and sad situation, really hope you find a resolution.

Of course you're reluctant. You've every damn right to be. He abused a child and they forgive the sick beast. Theyre as twisted as him. They must be. No pity for paedos from me.
What's the poor innocent child's thoughts on this....
Not even over my dead body would that sicko be within a million miles of my child or my nephews

There are some things that can be forgiven and some things that can't . Paedophilia is right at the top of the 'can't ' list .

Has your husband explained why he has forgiven his brother ? Has he explained why he Thinks it's ok to put your child at risk ? Can he explain how he can cope with his brother being in the presence of your DD while his brother thinks sick thoughts about her ? He really needs to wise up to how devious paedophiles are . I don't believe they can ever be rehabilitated, they will always be sick in the head.

From another perspective, I was seriously sexually abused by my brothers when I was a child. Since having my own DC I have gone NC with my whole family and my DH backs this 100%, no question. It's the only way. Please protect your daughter, it seems you are the only one who can.

Please please please do not allow this person anywhere near your child.
Never doubt your instinct.

If you and your DH allow your BIL around your daughter then you are teaching her he is a safe person and that he can be trusted.

Exactly this, I wonder if saying as much to your DH might help him see where you're coming from? You must feel hugely disappointed in him that he's stayed in touch with BIL, let alone wants your child around him. I'll be honest I would struggle to come to terms with that, sorry OP

Except, if you split up, could he have access to your child and allow his brother to be around

As I understand it if the OP can demonstrate her ex would allow contact with a known sex offender courts would rule that the ex himself only has supervised contact. The same would apply if his parents were involved and took the same attitude. They would protect the child at all.costs.

If you and your DH allow your BIL around your daughter then you are teaching her he is a safe person and that he can be trusted

this is it in a nutshell. How can you explain that uncle is not a nice man and we must never trust uncle but we still go to visit him once a week.

How would you reply to this post: AIBU to take my child to visit a convicted paedophile regularly?

How disgusting, definitely stand your ground, even if you did allow it and followed your DD everywhere, You couldn't stop his thoughts. Imagine even considering he looked at her in a sexual way.

FUCKING no way. He doesn't deserve it.

Oh my goodness, absolutely no way.

It sounds as if they are all sticking their heads in the sand rather than forgiving (who could forgive that?)

I think perhaps you need to sit down and talk to your husband and remind him of the criminal charges.

Protect your child at all costs, and don't assume (as clearly they don't) that the other family members will be as vigilant.

It’s not possible to fully supervise a child to the extent that is required when they are in the same building as a threat like that.

People think they can but then they just sit back and watch usually smiling whilst nice uncle Paul makes out to child he’s the best uncle ever builds up trust with them then pushes boundaries with them whilst still looking innocent to the supervisors.

One billion times no. Protect your child.

Thanks so much for your support! Glad to know I'm not being harsh and unforgiving.

There is irrefutable evidence and a confession from my BIL who is openly remorseful. So rather than the family not believing, I think the poster who said it's easier for them to forgive, move on and pretend it didnt happen was right.

The victim still has contact at big family occasions, I think because she doesn't want to stand up to her family and has expressed sympathy for her abuser. I'm hoping that my refusal to let him see our child might help her to see that she is free to make her own choice about contact and doesn't have to go along with what her family are doing.

A really heart breaking situation :( I will definitely get in touch with nspcc and also see if I can find out the conditions of his parole.

Thanks again all.

@CaledonianQueen If someone separates from their husband in this situation I’m not sure you can force them to see their child supervised/contact centre. The father will just say that he has no plans to let his child see his brother and potentially up to 50% residence would be given.
I do not have experience of living through this, so I’m just speculating.. but I can’t help thinking you and your husband need to stay strong and find a way to work together on this. The last think I imagine I would want is to lose oversight of who has access to my child.