*possible trigger topic* AIBU paedophile in the family

[Anon112233]

Looking for some advice on a difficult situation.

My husband's brother is a convicted paedophile. He was charged with serious sexual offences against a family member and was released from prison earlier this year.

My husband and his family have all forgiven his brother and had contact whilst in prison and continue see him regularly now.

My husband and I have a baby and, to date, I have refused to allow my brother-in-law to meet her. However my husband is becoming increasingly frustrated by this and wants his brother to be allowed to meet his niece and for us all to attend family events together so long as he is always supervised.

I'm very reluctant to agree to this. Although we can easily supervise contact now as our child is not yet mobile, when she grows up she will move around the house by herself and, short of trailing after her (I'm picturing waiting outside the bathroom etc!!), I don't see how we can ensure constant supervision. Additionally, as she grows up I don't want to have to explain to my child the reason she can never be alone with her uncle!

Also, my husbands parents have regular contact with my brother-in-law and clearly do not consider him to be a threat. If they have seen that we allow our child to have occasional contact, how can I ensure that they do think it's okay to let him have contact when babysitting etc?? I feel like a blanket 'no contact' rule is more straightforward than 'he is allow to have contact when we are there but we don't trust you to protect her'.

If I decide to continue with no contact, am I within my rights as a parent to make that decision even if my husband disagrees?? How do I explain my feelings to him/help him understand my point of view when he clearly loves and trusts his brother and would like him to be involved in our lives? Do you think I am being unreasonable? Would occasional supervised contact be such a bad thing?

Would ss consider my husband and I to have put our child at risk by allowing supervised contact? And is there anyone we need to inform if supervised contact does take place?

Sorry, lots of questions and they may not make sense but my head is a bit jumbled trying to process this!! Any advice would be gratefully received xx

Anon112233
Just seen your update.
Yeah no way he's sticking to his parole conditions if he's seeing his victim.

It needs reporting to police. I know that might be hard but this is someone who is grooming the adult family members so that he gets access to children again. The victim and potential future victims need to be the priority

Why the hell are you letting your daughter have contact with any of his family? They're all just as bad as him, your DH included they want to hand your daughter to him on a silver platter and it's disgusting

It's not only about supervised contact, hard enough and sometimes as far as courts will go.
Its about not letting a relationship build which will allow grooming later.
No need to be vitriolic or angry with abuser, it's ok for him to have support from adult family but no contact with children, and they should know why so they protect themselves as young adults, their friends, and their own children. I know someone who abused 4 generations of his family under their noses.

No fucking way would this fucked up individual be allowed near my children, not even supervised. They make my skin crawl. He’s a filthy filthy filthy piece of shit who has no place in society.

Stand your ground op and if your husband keeps protesting then warn him that if he continues, you’ll take his children hundreds of miles away too and he’ll only be allowed to see them with supervised contact only.

As for his family, they’re an absolute disgrace.

Why does your husband care more about his brother’s feelings than his daughter’s safety?

I'm appalled that the family have forgiven and forgotten like that. You are completely justified to feel as you do. To have gone to prison shows the seriousness of what he did too.

I was abused for four years as a child and whilst on paper I've done really well and people always say 'you'd never know' it leaves very deep scars that are irreparable. By forgiving so easily it feels like your DH's family are glossing over that. I'm 11 years since it ended and it's only the last few years that I've properly started to understand the impact it has had on me, it really does have devastating consequences and I think you are fab for pushing back for what you believe so right here

Not read full thread, but I am in a similar situation.

As your BiL is recently out of prison he will have a probation officer who should contact social services with a list of children in the family. We had a visit from them to discuss how best to handle various situations and we have contact details should anything come up. Good to know we have support if needed.

As it is, we rarely interact with this convict and things will become even easier when his elderly mother passes as he is her ‘golden child’ so any contact at the moment is always via her.

Personally I don’t understand how anyone can forgive and forget something so heinous, once a vile human, always a vile human.

Please, for the sake of your child, get in touch with your local police and/or social services to arrange a meeting with you and your DH and they can advise you and also explain to DH exactly what has gone on so he understands the whole picture.

My gut instinct would be no. Only thing if you t have to meet I would send dh to meet his brother in a cafe and you drop in for 5 minutes no time alone and all supervised wouldn't have him in your house . As for family do's bet your not the only one who feels like this. My wife friends brother was in prison for sexual contact with his 14 year old step daughter. She was completely at a loss what to do she HATED what he'd done it repulsed her she never defened him at all but struggled with cutting contact .Had a few conversations with her and she didn't know why she was loyal and wanted to see someone who repulsed her by what he'd done because he was her brother and she loved him.

I would suggest telling your husband very clearly that if he ever facilitates contact between your child and his brother you will be leaving and taking the child with you. You will at that point have an exceptionally strong case for your getting sole custody, since clearly your husband would in that scenario not be able to be trusted to safeguard the child.

Don't let the child stay with your in-laws, they clearly can't be trusted to safeguard appropriately either. I'd recommend speaking to a lawyer if you can afford it - it's likely that your BIL's parole had conditions attached about not being around children, and it would be useful to know what those are. You can then use that information to attempt to knock some sense into your husband (his parents are probably a lost cause if they're taking an our precious son can't be guilty/must be forgiven approach).

I also think you need to let the probation service know he has seen the victim. Surely this is not allowed. It may be that she needs further support.

As for family saying she has sympathy/forgiven him (can’t quite remember the word you used), assuming she is under 18 I’m not sure how this can be taken seriously by her family. I wonder if she was a teen and it’s been seen as a relationship rather than a crime by the family. Whereas your child is a baby (at the moment) so the family think you are being ridiculous.

Only 20 years ago teenage girls of 13/15 dated men of 18/20 and it wasn’t always frowned upon. So older generations may see this as acceptable (they may have done it themselves).

It certainly seems ridiculous that the family have welcomed him back with open arms.

I would speak to ss and the probation service as my concern would be if you split with your husband in the future. He doesn’t see protecting your dd as important because he doesn’t see his brother as a threat.

Sammy clearly isn't living in the real world.

I think the OP, is being very rational and sensible.

My uncle is the same. Most family forgiven him and kept in contact whilst in prison but he used to always hold my niece and tickle her and always just seemed lovely. Now I know the truth it makes my skin crawl. I now have a daughter of my own and when he is realised he will not be seeing her. He was convicted for doing inappropriate things to his own children. I always thought he was such a good dad really funny outgoing and loving.....my Mum forces me to go and see him in prison and I just can't look at him the same now

I wouldn't even consider allowing my child near an ex paedophile I'm afraid, family or not. I cannot understand why your husband would want this , or the rest of the family. It would be non negotiable for me. If your husband wants to meet up with him outside the family home, that's up to him, but no contact with the child. You would be like a cat on a hot tin roof the whole time, and it would be utterly miserable for all concerned.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation op. It would be an over my dead body from me too.
Sounds like your dh is in denial, has he ever actually faced what his brother did? Has he ever actually faced the possibility of it happening to his child?

Just to add, if I found out family allowed him supervised access to the victim and this was not allowed by his probation officer, I would not allow access to dd. I would also ensure it was recorded by health visitor, gp, nursery etc so if I split with dh in the future I could push for supervised contact only. It’s not worth the risk.

Mummy....you do not know the victim has been brainwashed. Not all people in this world think the same way about everything.
I was molested by a male relative. When my cousin revealed as an adult that she had been repeatedly molested by same man(her dads twin brother) we asked around and I discovered my best friend from primary school had also been affected and she and I as adults decided to prosecute as my cousin felt unable to do so This man went to prison and then when the news broke in the media, some more cases came out of the woodwork and he was convicted of more assaults and went to prison again.
Once released, although disgusted by what he had done, my family did still include him in events but he was never left unsupervised. They took the decision to inform all the adults with kids that they knew who might come in contact with him so they could firstly check their children had not been assaulted but also keep them safe.
My cousin and I as adults went to see him to see if he could explain himself in any way and our overwhelming feeling when we left that meeting was just feeling sorry for this sad pathetic old creature who had absolutely nothing left in his life and was hated by everyone.
There is a massive taboo around discussing this subject but I paedophiles do not choose to be sexually attracted to children. I see it as an illness. When I spoke to this man, he explained that because, as a 6 year old girl, (who had been asked by my parents to take him a cup of tea in bed) I had got in bed beside him when he had patted the bed to invite me and I felt I had to, that was me basically inviting what was to come next. Now that is seriously messed up, but is still what he thought 20 years later, after having served time and had education and whatever they do to try and rehabilitate. That is not a normal thinking process but he still believed a 6 year old child could basically invite/accept/consent do being sexually molested.
He will never change and everyone coming in to contact with him who has small kids is informed he is a paedophile but he still attends family events like funerals and weddings and his twin brother and wife will invite him for Sunday lunch etc but he will NEVER EVER be left unsupervised with children.
I would also add that no-one enjoys having him at any of these events and nothing has been forgotton or swept under the carpet but most feel like ostracizing him completely is also not the answer
It is possible, even as a victim, to feel compassion for the perpetrator because they have an illness not of their choosing that must be horrendous to live with. It in no way excuses their actions but it might be why OPS family member has chosen to be compassionate.

He will be on a SHPO. ( sexual harm prevention order), in addition to being on the register.

The SHPO should set out clearly where he is allowed to go and where he is not. For example usual things are no contact with U16, limits on Social media, can’t live within certain distances of parks, schools.. etc. This is in addition to any restrictions placed on him for being on the register.

He will have a team monitoring him in probation, police ( multi agency public protection meetings). These meetings will be monitoring risk and adherence to orders.

What I would do In your situation is definitely allow No contact at all ever. I would also pop in to your local police station with his details and say you believe he is having contact with his victim, they won’t be able to tell you the conditions of his order but they will inform (MAPPA) and he can look to have his risk increased or be breached and sent back to court/prison for breach of order. The minimum for SHPOs is 5 years I believe but I have known some given indefinitely.

...or it might be because that's how abusive families operate.

No way!!! Your husband obviously thinks his brother won't touch your child but given the chance he will more than likely attempt it seeing as though he's done it to another family member. Terrible situation to be in but you need stuck your ground on this one regardless of any potential family fall outs!

It does sound as if the victim has been maneouvered into a situation where all around her are being all forgiving and forgetting, and she'd be the nasty person if she kept bringing unpleasant things up. I can't believe that her family have allowed him to be within a hundred miles of her, it's tragic. Gaslighting. "Look, all normal now, all friends."

This poor child who has had her horrific ordeal minimised by her whole family as they welcome back her abuser. As much as not allowing a relationship for your child I just couldn’t entertain a family who are allowing that to happen and I wouldn’t want contact with any of them.

These people will not keep your child safe. Not just safe from physical harm but emotional harm. I wouldn’t want any contact at all with anyone who is minimising this crime and subjecting the victim to further emotional abuse.

Absolutely no way. Nope nope nope.

Hell would freeze over before I let my child near a convicted paedophile especially when the family of said paedophile were so lax about his actions and had forgiven him and they thought him being near my child was a good idea

Stand your ground on this one

What Juells said.

I feel very sorry for the victim who doesn't seem to have had the support from the family she should be entitled to. She's been left as a peripheral figure who has to see him and accept his apology if she wants to carry on seeing everyone else.

Fuck that. BIL appears to have played a blinder manipulating everyone so he can carry on just where he left off. Even better, people now feel sorry for him It's madness.

No way would any child of mine meet him ever. And if that meant not meeting the rest of the family either, it doesn't sound a great loss.

Sensitive topic for me but I can categorically tell you to stand your ground. There is someone I would NEVER let near my daughter. I saw him at a family Christening (told he wouldn't be invited) when my daughter was 4 and really felt a rage I have never felt before.

Stand your ground OP! How would your lo feel in years to come, knowing they'd been knowingly exposed to a peadophile just so that you could keep the peace?