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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP messaging OW

323 replies

Imsoconfused2018 · 06/07/2018 20:24

Help! Dp has a female friend who has aleays been overly friendly towards him. We have had arguments about her in the past when I've felt she's been too involved in our life and dp has always sworn shes just a good friend, and she's like that with everyone. Dp works away every weekend and last night i hopped on the computer and realised he had left his fb open. Not proud of myself, but I opened his messages to her. There was hundreds! They message each other constantly every day, he sends her cute pics of the kids and tell each other everything - right down to discussing her latest smear tests! I'm not happy about this. There is absolutely nothing sexual in the messages, im never even mentioned, except when he has to cancel seeing her cos I was resentful that he had hardly been home lately and he had to do some "damage control". His words. AIBU to be upset about his relationship with this woman? He talks to her more than he does to me!

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 07/07/2018 16:56

It's so if he divorces her she'll be protected

i doubt he would do the divorcing, he'd carry on as he is and force OP to make that decision.

'men' like him with parents like his are not idiots when it comes to protecting their wealth, they'll make sure she either signs a pre-nup or walks away with the bare minimum-if anything.
any money will be tied up in trusts for the dc to be paid out once they reach adulthood.

he can make changes now to give her whatever 'protection' you think marriage will give her.....but he's blatantly not interested in sharing/giving her much.

i think it's irresponsible to tell an abused woman to marry her abuser - which he is.

Original poster
Imsoconfused2018 · 07/07/2018 20:44

People are mentioning abuse a lot. He's never so much as raised his voice at me, let alone a hand. Its more that he's just come to take me for granted, which in itself, is not abuse. Abuse is deliberate acts of cruelty, I think he's just forgotten I'm more than just a mum.

As for leaving right now? No way would I do that to my dcs. Im not in danger, they have a wonderful life, I'm not turning their lives upside down just because my feelings got hurt by dp messaging ow and I realised how messed up my situation was. I think for now what Ive got to do is get some financial independence, whether thats a job or getting assets in my name. Ive got to start putting myself first ( or at least equal to the dcs), and if my dp does not like that then I'll have to reassess things.

Thank you for all your responses, its been a real eye opener, and has forced me to take a long hard look at things.

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 07/07/2018 20:51

Abuse isn't just violence.

Leaving you without equal access to money, that's abuse.

Discouraging you from making friends and connections with people when you move so you're isolated, that's abuse.

Treating you like a skivvy and not doing his fair share of parenting his children, that's abuse.

ivechangedmyusername · 07/07/2018 21:19

Just marry him OP ! Job done and all you've worked for (and him) is protected FAIRLY.

You haven't responded to the suggestions of marriage except to say 'he would do it tomorrow '.
Once married you can make decisions from a place of equality and protection. Until that point it's from a point of inequality.
'Putting assets in his name' Does not give you the same protection as marriage.

TheMagnificentEthel · 07/07/2018 22:33

Op - we keep asking what the ‘crossed line’ was. People have been through similar and can share if they know the rough facts.

Original poster
Imsoconfused2018 · 07/07/2018 22:58

The crossed line - she showed up to a family funeral and literally elbowed me out of the way so she could stand next to him. Refused to move, said he NEEDED her there to support him. He completely ignored me and only introduced kids to people. We had it out afterwards, he said he didn't even notice her, and was I sure I wasn't over reactintg, as he was shocked and grieving - it was a sudden death in his family and it did hit him hard. He limited his contact with her after that and I thought that was it. She only started appearing alot again after her husband left and she was needing the support of friends. Christ I feel like a fool.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imsoconfused2018 · 07/07/2018 23:00

I know shes after him. Im also almost certain hes not sexually attracted to her. Theres been nothing to suggest that, ever. But he is emotionally invested in her.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 07/07/2018 23:04

What money do you have of your own?

BertrandRussell · 07/07/2018 23:06

How do you pay for a haircut, for example, or a book or an evening out?

Original poster
Imsoconfused2018 · 07/07/2018 23:09

I cut my own hair. I've gotten pretty good at it over the years, no ones ever said it looks rubbish. Evening out? With who? I don't go out, unless it for some work function of dps.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 07/07/2018 23:12

So you have no money of your own?

Out of interest, does your dp cut his own hair?

Original poster
Imsoconfused2018 · 07/07/2018 23:14

No, but thats because he has no hair to cut.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 07/07/2018 23:24

Fair enough. I think you know what I'm getting at though.he has spare money then so should you. If you are "chronically skint" then so should he be.

IsaidMrDarcynotArsey · 08/07/2018 00:19

Gosh, did no one in his family take either of them to task about the funeral debacle at any time ? At the very least she has an inflated sense of self, and her role in his world - and he is not correcting her ! That’s a very poor show from him. From a place of love - you need to stop the million little accommodating things you do that he is not seeing let alone appreciating, and redress the imbalance for yourself. Go and get a hair cut etc, buy a dress, shoes, handbag on principle - if you don’t think you deserve these things, he won’t either. Perhaps the fact that you suddenly aren’t putting up and shutting up will worm his way into his brain on a primal level. Triggering his subconscious to alert him somethings changed about you, in a way that talking won’t. Go to the cinema or theatre - tell him it’s to do with the kids education ( you are pre approving it before they view it) and see how he likes being the responsible one for a few hours, wondering what you are doing out in the world. If he won’t look after the kids pay a babysitter - but don’t not go - he’s been enjoying a freedom that you haven’t, redress the balance.

ilovvvvemud · 08/07/2018 01:29

How would he feel if this was the other way round??

ohamIreally · 08/07/2018 09:59

You cut your own hair? Oh OP I could weep for you! You have borne this man 3 children, you follow him around the world educating them and ironing his shirts and he doesn't think you're even worth a fucking haircut?

You said he gets defensive and angry if you mention having access to your own money so he absolutely knows this is going on, he just doesn't want to share.

Someone upthread mentioned TEFL, I think this would be great for you.

By the way, whose idea was it to TTC?

I wouldn't count necessarily on getting child support from him if you split, he would probably skip off abroad and the CMA has no jurisdiction outside the UK.

Original poster
Imsoconfused2018 · 08/07/2018 10:01

What is TEFL?

OP posts:
Original poster
Imsoconfused2018 · 08/07/2018 10:06

Ttc was sort of both of us - I love our dcs and would have happily had a dozen, but he said no more after the 3rd. I was so sad, but accepted that I was lucky to have 3 lovely children. It was only earlier this year that I started mentioning that now all 3 were primary aged and not so dependant, that I might look into part time study or work that he came around to the idea of another. Although now, its pretty obvious why he changed his mind.

OP posts:
Juells · 08/07/2018 10:11

TEFL is Teaching English as a Foreign Language. You can do online courses in that, I'm sure.

It has been rented out for the past few years, and has fixed tenants in place, its not somewhere I can just waltz into.

As far as I know if a family member needs a house/flat the tenant can be given notice. Find out about that, along with other things. You may never leave, may sort things out with your DH, but it's best to know what all your options are. Also, start trying to make some money for yourself.

Sleepyslops · 08/07/2018 10:26

It was only earlier this year that I started mentioning that now all 3 were primary aged and not so dependant, that I might look into part time study or work that he came around to the idea of another

Oh darling, you deserve better than this. Dont have another child. Do some work or study instead. Do something for you. It sounds like you have focussed on him and the kids and put yourself to the side.

Original poster
Imsoconfused2018 · 08/07/2018 10:41

I've been a very busy bee. The dcs are all very excited mummy is going to be studying along side them, and even more excited that I've arranged for them to spend one whole day each week with Daddy. I need that day for study/well earned break, and I'm already planning on spending a large chunk of it in a cafe. And if he has to work or is too busy, no worries, I'll sort out a babysitter. There's a few lovely teenagers in our neighbourhood who I'm sure would be happy to earn a bit of pocket money.

OP posts:
Chapterandverse · 08/07/2018 10:43

Imsoconfused - is he in thr military? If so there has to be another way? Not all military children are home educated?

Why can't you and the dc set up home (a solid permanent base) and enrol them in school, after school clubs, you can work? And then when dh has leave he can come home?

It sounds to me like no life for you at all.

LannieDuck · 08/07/2018 10:45

Sorry for using the TEFL acronym without explaining. As Juells said, it's Teaching English as a Foreign Language. I admit that I don't know how much studying is involved (a quick look at the website suggests 6-10 weeks), but I thought it might combine your teaching experience with regularly moving countries.

www.tefl.org.uk/courses/online-only-tefl-courses/

Ilovemypantry · 08/07/2018 10:46

You mentioned that you would like to study and get qualifications in case you decide to leave your DP in the future. So why, oh why are you ttc with him? Sorry, but this is not fair on your children/future child.

Original poster
Imsoconfused2018 · 08/07/2018 10:51

When I agreed to ttc, I didn't realise how bad things were! Obviously thats not going to happen now! I've no plans to leave any time soon, Im not putting my dcs through that. I'm going to sort myself out, get qualified, get financially independent, then I will reassess. I've got to make sure me and the dcs will be fine if I decide to call it a day. And I'm also (pathetic, I know) hoping my dp will realise just how amazing I am, and how lucky he is to have me.

OP posts: