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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP messaging OW

323 replies

Imsoconfused2018 · 06/07/2018 20:24

Help! Dp has a female friend who has aleays been overly friendly towards him. We have had arguments about her in the past when I've felt she's been too involved in our life and dp has always sworn shes just a good friend, and she's like that with everyone. Dp works away every weekend and last night i hopped on the computer and realised he had left his fb open. Not proud of myself, but I opened his messages to her. There was hundreds! They message each other constantly every day, he sends her cute pics of the kids and tell each other everything - right down to discussing her latest smear tests! I'm not happy about this. There is absolutely nothing sexual in the messages, im never even mentioned, except when he has to cancel seeing her cos I was resentful that he had hardly been home lately and he had to do some "damage control". His words. AIBU to be upset about his relationship with this woman? He talks to her more than he does to me!

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 08/07/2018 11:03

Op she is making a big play for your dh and they are both being hugely disrespectful to you.
Don't tell him about the messages you've read.If you get the chance record them.
The more you mention her the more he will run to her for sympathy and bingo off they trot in to the sunset.
What do YOU want?
If you want rid bide your time and get as much evidence as you can of what they are up to and all his financial affairs including pension,speak to a solicitor about how you stand legally then tell him he is leaving.
If you want him in your life,well,you have options,i.e. Ultimatum stop contact with her completely but again get your finances etc in place in case.or explain how uncomfortable and insecure this friendship is and can you put down some boundaries.
Or be sweet,light,totally disinterested and get your hair done,pay him little attention,go out,don't day where.his reaction will tell you all you need to know.
Above all,don't let him or her destroy your confidence.you are a strong,capable woman and mother of his children.he is lucky to have you not give versa.
Good luck OP,you do have options,you are in control.Flowers

Imsoconfused2018 · 08/07/2018 11:08

Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
Chapterandverse · 08/07/2018 11:09

So a permanent base and security isn't an option?

Is he a traveller? In the circus? ....

Imsoconfused2018 · 08/07/2018 11:26

We have been in our current location since last December. It's a one year contract, but they've been known to get extended. Moving lots when the dcs were young in order to climb the career ladder, then settling somewhere when they were entering their teens has always been the plan. So in a few years we will be settled permanently. I can bide my time till then I think. I have to. Its the option that will best benefit me and the dcs.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 08/07/2018 11:51

Short term. Tell him you need regular money of your own. If you think he won't give you feee access to "his" money, insist that he transfers a decent amount to you every month.

SandyY2K · 08/07/2018 12:07

It was only earlier this year that I started mentioning that now all 3 were primary aged and not so dependant, that I might look into part time study or work that he came around to the idea of another.

Keeps you financially dependent on him...and he remains in a position of power. All this trailing spouse behaviour and you're not even a spouse.

He likes your dependency...it means he has control. You have to ask for money like a little kid.

Can you put aside some money from the grocery shopping each week ? Open an account for yourself?

Breakfastofmilk · 08/07/2018 12:19

OP I'm glad you have a plan but I think you need to be really careful. This kind of thing shows he's manipulative and being very cunning about keeping you in your place (which is dependant on him with little life of your own):

Yes I have. He takes offense every time, says he pays all the bills, gives me his money when I need to go grocery shopping, says I'm making him look like the bad guy when he's fully providing for me.

It was only earlier this year that I started mentioning that now all 3 were primary aged and not so dependant, that I might look into part time study or work that he came around to the idea of another. Although now, its pretty obvious why he changed his mind.

Looking back Im seeing a pattern of keeping me dangling - no point joining clubs or making friends, we'll be moving again soon.

He doesn't "fully provide for you". He gives you the minimum amount of money so that you and HIS children can eat. He's set up your lives to ensure that you can't work (and have put all your time and energy into looking after the children and running the household) but he begrudges you the cost of small things like a haircut.

I think its great that you're making plans that will help you gain financial independence but be prepared for him to push back against those plans. He has his life and you right where he wants it now, he's clearly not stupid and he clearly doesn't care very much about what you want or your feelings.

He WILL try to block any moves you make that don't suit him, like you spending time studying or doing paid work. If settling down somewhere when the kids are older gives you opportunities to be more independent he WILL block it - suddenly it will be a bad time in his career to settle and you'll need to keep moving or some other BS.

Imsoconfused2018 · 08/07/2018 12:31

I'm preparing myself to stand my ground and push right back.

OP posts:
Breakfastofmilk · 08/07/2018 12:32

OP In addition to looking for ways to become financially independent I do think you should give a lot of consideration to the legal side of things. Do you have a legal right to work where you are? If so be wary about being moved to a country where you can't. It sounds like in the event of a split you would want to bring the kids back to the UK - be aware that he may be able block this under the Hague convention rules so you might find yourself with a choice of staying where he is with the kids or returning to the UK alone.

Likewise I think the posters who have advocated marriage make a very strong point but you need to consider whether any divorce would be under UK law or local law where you are and how that would impact the process.

I'm sure this all sounds horrendously calculating when you love this man and want your relationship to work but he's been really clever and put you in a very vulnerable position. He may love you but he's put his needs ahead of yours for a long time (this friendship, the finances, the constant moving for his job) and you need to be thinking about your needs because he clearly won't.

Breakfastofmilk · 08/07/2018 12:34

I'm preparing myself to stand my ground and push right back.

That is great to hear, wishing you all the best Flowers

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 08/07/2018 12:39

Pleased to hear you're putting changes in place to help yourself OP. You may find he puts more energy into your relationship if you make life less comfortable for him (although that's not why you should do it) - at the moment he doesn't need to make any effort with you so he can spare time and thought for this needy narcissistic "friend".

ohamIreally · 08/07/2018 13:19

Well done for shaking yourself out of this trance you've been in.

You sound like a lovely mum and your children are lucky to have you.

timeisnotaline · 08/07/2018 13:48

Wishing you a successful fulfilled life where you achieve something for you as well as being a great mum op :)

IsaidMrDarcynotArsey · 08/07/2018 14:06

If he gives you any gumph about money, point out you have always more than upheld your financial weight. From saving three lots of childcare and nursery fees, being the family housekeeper and nanny ( have an idea of the going rate in your area). To currently saving three lots of school fees don’t forget to add on whatever the tax and NI type charge if applicable in country of earning was. I had a smarty pants teacher tell me it ONLY cost such and such for my child to attend her school ... no it’s earned income and the real cost to pay those fees as a family was significantly higher. Time to school him too. If you have done all the work moving from place to place add in the cost of employing a relocation agent however many times, did you pack yourself? Did you arrange for mustering out and in etc ( I can’t think of a better term although I know people associate it with the military ) even at an hourly rate you have freed up family funds to be repurposed. You might amaze yourself at how much you have been contributing indirectly. No harm in pointing any of this out. Don’t let politeness mean you have tolerate having a cuckoo in your nest - oust her if anything like the funeral debacle arises again - give him advance notice you won’t be putting up with that type of nonsense anymore. Then he can’t be surprised and say it’s bad manners. Level that playing field.

Imsoconfused2018 · 08/07/2018 14:10

Thank you, all of you. My head was spinning when I first posted, then as the thread progresses and it dawned on me what a mess I was in, I felt sick. Now I'm feeling a bit like a newborn horse - a bit shaky on my feet, but I've got the strength to be running free soon.

OP posts:
IsaidMrDarcynotArsey · 08/07/2018 14:14

For services to parenting Star I know you did/do it for love but have a wee bit of cyber recognition.

Imsoconfused2018 · 08/07/2018 14:21

Thank you Smile

OP posts:
IsaidMrDarcynotArsey · 08/07/2018 15:01

Ps make sure those new shoes are a kitten heel at the very least, so when you reverse to your husband’s side if her size 6’s are occupying the space, your presence will actually be acknowledged. Always apologise if you accidently tread on anyone’s toes - we are
“Ladies” after all Grin Start with a black pair ... funeral appropriate IYKWIM.

BertrandRussell · 08/07/2018 15:24

OP-be very careful. He really isn't going to like this. At all.

LannieDuck · 08/07/2018 15:29

Yes, I agree with BertandRussell. None of us know his temprament, and it's easy to suggest standing up to someone when you're at the other end of a keyboard. But your safety (and the safety of your children) is paramount.

Maybe start slowly and gauge his reaction?

timeisnotaline · 08/07/2018 18:44

Ive just read back to see you have planned studying! Well done :) do you know what? I agree you will have to be prepared for pushback and ditto on the settling in one place (but i wouldn’t worry about that too much if it’s years off ie the high school timing is years off). Plan some lines like ‘teaching the dc all day - I just want to learn more myself and be a good example to them’. Others will think of better ones I’m sure.

Imsoconfused2018 · 08/07/2018 21:17

I emailed articles on the importance of a solid male role model in a child's life and why it was important that he now start spending time with the dcs without me. He agreed, but did question if it had to be every week. I responded with further research, emphasising the importance of routine and structure for healthy, well adjusted childred. I also wove into my conversations with the dcs today the importance of womans rights, education and how I wanted to be a good role model to them. They are fully on board, the oldest has even emailed his father with suggestions on what they can do with their time together. Its manipulative, I know, but I have to play it right.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 08/07/2018 21:21

It's not manipulative, OP.

FFS, spending time with your children on your own every week is completely normal. It's called PARENTING.

ohamIreally · 08/07/2018 22:19

Can't believe he questioned whether it had to be every week! Reminds me of the dowager countess in Downton Abbey when Cousin Isabel said she thought she'd be the kind of mother who only spent an hour a day with her children and the dowager replied "Yes, but it was an hour every day".

JustVent · 08/07/2018 22:47

This is a tough one. Glad to hear you sound stronger by the end of the thread. I look forward to hearing more. Flowers