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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP messaging OW

323 replies

Imsoconfused2018 · 06/07/2018 20:24

Help! Dp has a female friend who has aleays been overly friendly towards him. We have had arguments about her in the past when I've felt she's been too involved in our life and dp has always sworn shes just a good friend, and she's like that with everyone. Dp works away every weekend and last night i hopped on the computer and realised he had left his fb open. Not proud of myself, but I opened his messages to her. There was hundreds! They message each other constantly every day, he sends her cute pics of the kids and tell each other everything - right down to discussing her latest smear tests! I'm not happy about this. There is absolutely nothing sexual in the messages, im never even mentioned, except when he has to cancel seeing her cos I was resentful that he had hardly been home lately and he had to do some "damage control". His words. AIBU to be upset about his relationship with this woman? He talks to her more than he does to me!

OP posts:
Imsoconfused2018 · 08/07/2018 22:50

Im his family they were all packed off to boarding school at a very young age, so he already sees the dcs more than his father ever saw him. He has suggested boarding school in the past when I've got run down but I've always refused. His family think I'm barmy for not packing the dcs off to boarding school, and have no right to complain about not having self indulgent "me time". He's not a bad guy, we both just had very different upbringings, and I've always been so desperate to escape where I come from, that I've just accepted his ways without questioning.

OP posts:
ivechangedmyusername · 08/07/2018 23:29

Are you going to suggest marriage ? Xx

BertrandRussell · 09/07/2018 08:33

OP-have you said anything about money?

Imsoconfused2018 · 09/07/2018 10:24

Not as such. But he was confused to hear I was looking into part time study and work. Said there was no need, as he could pay for me. I really stressed that I understood that, but that this is something I need to do for my own sanity and self worth. He straight away said, fine study if you want, but there's no point working, you won't earn enough to pay for child care. I fired right back with, "well you certainly earn enough to pay for childcare, you can look after them yourself or hire some one else to do it, but I am taking one day off a week!". He looked quite taken aback, I don't normally push back, but I've had a whole weekend to ponder the views people have posted in this thread, and I'm more than ready to change things. I'm worth it, that message has been received loud and clear.

Also, I'm still furious that he's messaging this ow. I haven't even told him I know, I'm (somewhat selfishly) focusing on myself and improving my situation.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 09/07/2018 11:20

Also, he can’t / won’t pay for you. You can’t go buy a handbag. Or some shoes. Youndont actually have any money. Because he doesn’t value you.

LanguidLobster · 09/07/2018 11:27

Well done OP, you're taking steps. Tell him you need more money.

Seems like 'OW' is a side issue at present

Loveatthefiveanddime · 09/07/2018 11:38

Not selfish at all

Loveatthefiveanddime · 09/07/2018 11:39

What was his response when you said about him paying for the childcare?

Pressuredrip · 09/07/2018 11:44

Sorry I haven't read all the replies but it sounds totally innocuous and no romantic involvement. I can totally understand why you feel uncomfortable about this but it sounds like they are best friends rather than in love. You wouldn't really discussing your smear test with someone you fancy. I have a male best friend and I would talk about something like that with him. If there is no flirting there I wouldn't be worried.

Pressuredrip · 09/07/2018 12:31

Ol ive read he thread now. The money thing is a seperare issue imo. I've known relationships just like this and the men are either abuaove OR come from a wealthy family and have never had money worries. In my experience it's very common with this type of man, you could really do with some relationship counciling sessions for someone else to spell this out for him, he is unlikely to believe you that withholding money just for you is abusive.

What I'm saying is he's not necessarily an awful man. I'd try and work out the money issue professionally and see how that works. He needs to realise you aren't freeloading but a partnership and he would struggle financially without you.

I'd also suggest you look up boarding school Syndrome. There is a Facebook support group for partners of adults that went to boarding school. It always causes relationship issues that you might not even be aware existed if you haven't grown up in a happy home yourself.

Pressuredrip · 09/07/2018 12:35

Ive c&c'd this:

Boarding school syndrome: The symptoms and long-term psychological effects
Boarding School Syndrome is increasingly recognized as a specific syndrome by psychologists, psychotherapists and counsellors. Many adults are suffering long-term emotional or behavioural difficulties, which stem from having lost normal family life through being sent away to boarding school as children.

In the British Journal of Psychotherapy, Dr Joy Schaverien identified a set of symptoms common among early boarders that she calls “Boarding School Syndrome”.

In Boarding School Syndrome: The Psychological Trauma of the 'Privileged' Child, Dr Joy Schaverien writes:

“Early rupture with home has a lasting influence on attachment patterns. When a child is brought up at home, the family adapts to accommodate it: growing up involves a constant negotiation between parents and children. But an institution cannot rebuild itself around one child. Instead, the child must adapt to the system. Combined with the sudden and repeated loss of parents, siblings, pets and toys, this causes the child to shut itself off from the need for intimacy. This can cause major problems in adulthood: depression, an inability to talk about or understand emotions, the urge to escape from or to destroy intimate relationships. These symptoms mostly affect early boarders: those who start when they are older are less likely to be harmed.”

Sufferers' symptoms are often hidden behind a brittle façade of competence. Shame from having had - what others perceive as a privileged start - can prevent them from acknowledging their distress. Such adults have difficulty asking for help and can experience all manner of intimate issues in relationships. They are frequently emotionally cut-off as a result of living in an atmosphere where it was normal to keep silent about emotional stress.

The Aspects and Symptoms of Boarding School Syndrome

Some of the presenting attitudes may include:

self-reliance
high moral values
pride in endurance
acute discomfort in asking for help
an arrogant or patronising manner
denial of pain
overachiever but may underestimate self
An ex-boarder could present the following symptoms:

depression
anxiety
low self-esteem
drugs and alcohol misuse and other addictions
burn-out
relationship issues - can only identify love towards own children
obsessive behaviour
a need to control

Imsoconfused2018 · 09/07/2018 23:41

Pressured drip, oh my god that is almost and exact description of my dp and his siblings. Hes the only one to have kept a partner this long. I dont think he's deliberatly abusive, just incompetent at relationships.

OP posts:
Imsoconfused2018 · 10/07/2018 09:10

We talked about my financial situation. No, he absolutely will not "pay me to look after my own dcs". If I want a bit of money to spend each week, I can get extra out when I do the groceries, but he's very suspicious as to why I would like a haircut, or new clothes. Asked me if I was trying to make myself look attractive to someone else. I started to back down, just to avoid confrontation, but I caught myself and stayed firm. I feel so sad that I even have to have this conversation with him.

OP posts:
LanguidLobster · 10/07/2018 09:15

Oh god OP.

Is it a joint card? Can you just get cashback when you do the shopping?

He's starting to sound weirder and weirder...

BertrandRussell · 10/07/2018 09:17

"I dont think he's deliberatly abusive, just incompetent at relationships."

But he accuse you of having an affair because you want a professional haircut. He is deliberately abusive. I suggest you have a look at "The Freedom Programme" online. Don't let him see you do it- there are instructions on the site on how to make it "invisible". Do it today.

UneMoonit · 10/07/2018 09:25

Why does he think he is paying you to look after YOUR children out of HIS money?!

"I am absorbing the cost of round the clock childcare for OUR children 365 days a year which I am normally happen to do, however since you seem to view all of the household income yours to grant or deny like some sort of magnanimous dictator, and all of my contribution and facilitation of your career as worthless, I am forced to find a job and you can choose to pay for child care or cancel work stuff while I am doing it, so you can understand the reality of the situation here a little better'

UneMoonit · 10/07/2018 09:28

Have to add this sorry: What a wanker.

Imsoconfused2018 · 10/07/2018 09:34

His arguement was that no one pays HIM when he looks after the children, why do I expect payment? I pointed out that he's only had them all for the day a handful of times and he came right back with an exasperated " yes, because I'm busy working to provide for you and the dcs". He thinks I'm being utterly unreasonable, and because he doesn't know I can still read his messages, I can see in his conversations with his family that they all agree with him.

OP posts:
Imsoconfused2018 · 10/07/2018 09:41

She came from nothing! Look at where she is now! Talk about being ungrateful and greedy. If she was better at budgeting the grocery shop she'd have more than enough to fritter away on herself.

This is what he is hearing when he asks people if he is being unreasonable

What a wanker! Leave the bastard. He's abusing you!
Is what I'm hearing when I ask if I'm being unreasonable.

Surely there should be some middle ground?

OP posts:
midnightmisssuki · 10/07/2018 09:50

This is not going to end well OP. But good luck anyway. You won’t leave him and I understand why, it doesn’t make it easier to stomach but I understand, you need him becasue you have nothing. He has made it so that you need him for almost everything, very clever. He gets to pull the I provide you with everything card, and you keep his home clean and his children looked after....in the meantime, he can go out and flirt with who he likes, while you hold the fort and bake the cakes.

OP - best of luck to you, fwiw I think you deserve so much more than him. Flowers

GabriellaMontez · 10/07/2018 09:51

So he'd happily pay a fortune to send them to boarding school (which is what his family want).

But doesn't want you to have enough money even to pay for a haircut? Weird.

Although funnily enough he does get free money anyway doesn't he? His family give him handouts.

BertrandRussell · 10/07/2018 09:53

OP-Freedom Programme. Today.

GabriellaMontez · 10/07/2018 09:53

Whoever wrote the vile stuff about you I would have nothing to do with. What was his reaction to it? Unless it was a firm fuck off I'd be very worried.

More and more signs that he doesn't respect you.

Imsoconfused2018 · 10/07/2018 09:58

No he wouldn't pay for boarding school, the family trust would cover it. This is such a mess. He's not even being nasty, he just appears bewildered

OP posts:
Juells · 10/07/2018 09:58

Does he cut his own hair?