DP messaging OW

[Imsoconfused2018]

Help! Dp has a female friend who has aleays been overly friendly towards him. We have had arguments about her in the past when I've felt she's been too involved in our life and dp has always sworn shes just a good friend, and she's like that with everyone. Dp works away every weekend and last night i hopped on the computer and realised he had left his fb open. Not proud of myself, but I opened his messages to her. There was hundreds! They message each other constantly every day, he sends her cute pics of the kids and tell each other everything - right down to discussing her latest smear tests! I'm not happy about this. There is absolutely nothing sexual in the messages, im never even mentioned, except when he has to cancel seeing her cos I was resentful that he had hardly been home lately and he had to do some "damage control". His words. AIBU to be upset about his relationship with this woman? He talks to her more than he does to me!

Is he "chronically skint" OP?

I thought emotional affair, the fact he hardly mentions you to her. Why would they be discussing her smear, very personal.

I'm going to go against the grain here. I have a male friend I speak to a lot. There's nothing in it, no plans for us to run away, we just get on. It doesn't matter to me or DH that he's a bloke - if he were a woman we would still be very close friends. I think you're overreacting personally. If he wanted to be with her, frankly, he would be, and that isn't in your control.

I'd stop worrying about something that might never happen. If you react or make him feel bad you might ruin your own relationship and they still might not feel like that towards each other, especially as you've read al of the messages and there's nothing sexy about them.

Can I just point out, that if Op marries him, and then divorces, then assets will only be split "apportioned to the period of the marriage" She can't marry him, and then leave 6 months later, with half of his pension. It doesn't work that way.

I have a different view about the Smear Test chat. I think that (in a clumsy way), she was trying to make him visualise her vagina. Sorry, but no normal woman talks to a male about smear tests.

I think what is key here, is WHAT DID THE FRIEND DO 2 YEARS AGO, TO OVER-STEP THE MARK? Sorry for shouting, but you still haven't said what that was, and it is PIVOTAL to how you should be reacting to the recent uncovering of excessive messaging.

Can I just point out, that if Op marries him, and then divorces, then assets will only be split "apportioned to the period of the marriage" She can't marry him, and then leave 6 months later, with half of his pension. It doesn't work that way.

"It is now normal, following the case of GW v RW [2003], for any period of pre-marital cohabitation to be added to the length of the marriage. The prevailing view is that the commencement of cohabitation in a settled relationship can be treated as the appropriate start date."

www.anthonygold.co.uk/latest/blog/financial-settlements-after-short-marriages/

It does in many cases. OP has nothing to lose by getting married and plenty to gain.

There's nothing in it, no plans for us to run away, we just get on.

Do you view paying any attention to your DH as 'damage control'?

I like you are starting to think more about what you deserve. As others said, please don't have anymore children with him.

You already teach so teaching English online from home would be excellent for you.

Get your own bank account in your name only, and start putting money away for yourself.

Yes, the situation with the ow is highly inappropriate but it is keeping him out of your hair while you have time to figure things out for yourself.

You have a house that is currently rented out? Would it be a possibility to live there at some point after giving notice to tenants?

HeckyPeck is right, seamless cohabitation pre-marriage is counted for the purposes of assessing the length of the marriage.

I wish I'd realised that my "best friend" was anything but. All the messages, the going to the gym, then going for a bite to eat afterwards...

You probably can't stop this. I realised how bad it was when I began to see how he was rearranging our lives around his meet ups with her. When I challenged him, he blew his top, and I realised he'd emotionally moved on.

You have some leeway here. You know him, and you know how to appeal to his vanity/stroke his ego/make him feel good. So do it. She will try and stop him marrying you so really pile on the romance. Ask to go out on dates with him. And definitely avoid her being in your house as much as you can. You never know, he might start to see you in the way he used to if you get some of that 'fun' back in your lives together. Love bomb him. You've quite enjoyed your set up, you love HE the kids, you like the travel, there are positives here.

How did she overstep the mark? That's pretty crucial.

Why on earth should OP love bomb him? HE's the one who needs to do some work. It sounds like you are encouraging her to do the 'pick me' dance.
OP - listen to people like Anyfucker.
My DM used to say - "get some iron in your soul".
In more gentle terms - think of yourself and what you want.

You don’t deserve to be treated like this. ‘Damage control’ wtf?! It sounds like he’s had his own way for a long time and you’ve been able to give him the opportunity for any kind of job he likes whilst sacrificing things for yourself. And he has taken it for granted. Do not ttc again. But you do need to look at your relationship again.

Arum, please stop telling the op to do the Pick Me Dance. It is utterly demeaning. The best thing she could do is take steps to raise her self esteem, not destroy it further by acting like a performiing monkey to attract his attention

Huskylover1 - agree 100% about the smear test. She reminds me of a fourteen-year-old who lets tampons ‘accidentally’ fall out of her bag in front of boys on the bus so they think about her fecundity. Another reason why OW sounds like a thick bitch.

I disagree with nearly everyone on here. I think the fact that you found the messages and there was nothing sexual in there completely backs up his assertion that they're just friends. I would find it reassuring rather than worrying.

What did you mean when you said that she overstepped her boundaries some time ago? (Apologies if I've missed it in the thread already.)

I'm not telling her to do the pick me dance. I'm telling her to play the long game, and get him to marry her. This guy can disappear abroad and never see her or the kids again if they split now. She has 3 kids, so she'll be benefit capped. As she's paid no NI, she won't get any contributory benefits. As she's not married she is financially fucked if she leaves now. Getting the marriage certificate will be a game changer for her, as she's then entitled to half of everything.

Why is everyone telling OP to marry him?

lardass88 Because she as a spouse she will receive more via a financial settlement if they break up. Now he doesn't have to give her anything.

Wow, I've read through the thread properly now. The OW is the last thing I'd be worrying about. He has complete financial control over you. You shouldn't have to skimp on the food shopping in order to save some money for yourself when he has a good income!

• If he's working and you're raising the children, you should have equal access to his income. He's being completely unreasonable in not having a joint account.

• You have as much right to buy things for yourself as he has to buy things for himself. Does he buy nice things for himself sometimes? It's not 'his money', but 'the family's money'. (I'm talking about his income, not what he gets off his family.) Yes, he earns it, but you facilitate that. Do you think he'd be in the job he's in if he had to look after the kids as well?

• You've been following his job around for ages. When, actually, you have just as much right to an interesting and fulfilling life as he does. Have a good think about what you want to do. It's true that his job might need to be compromised (e.g. if you get a job, the family won't be able to move around anymore), but he's had the entire family dancing around his needs for 10+ (?) years. He's had his turn.

• I can't believe he's had the kids on his own so little. Presumably he gets a break from his job at the weekends. When do you get time off?

• You home educate. Do you enjoy that? Could you see yourself as a teacher? Given you move about so much, how about something like TEFL?

Arum, yes you are

The idea of you encouraging op to metaphorically lick this horrible man's arse makes me feel quite ill

Dont put yourself/kids through a false marriage to gain money thats just wrong and to be honest sounds like he would make it difficult after you leave when married and his little messages to her every fucking minute will bring them closer! Just dont.

Absolute nonsense !!!!
'To gain money ' ?! Ffs OP has a complete entitlement to 'gain money ' - but for want of a marriage certificate..

OP - stop tying yourself in knots.
You have the solution. You said it yourself ... 'he would marry me tomorrow ' ... then do it

I have a friend who had 4 dcs with her partner and raised them all for the 25 yrs , being the perfect 'wife' and enabled him to climb to the very top. He left her when the youngest was 16 . Her only entitlement was 2 yrs of child maintenance and the right to live in HIS house for 2 yrs. (which automatically also became his OWs house when he married her 12 Weeks later. !)

Marriage would have meant half a huge pension and the family home. (Her earning power was in the same state as yours ) . Instead 4 years later she lives in a 2 bed rented cottage and works at a garden centre for little above minimum wage..
the dcs share with her / go to uni.

Marry him and regularise what you have worked for in bringing up your children (for him)

There is nothing 'false ' about marrying him because you say yourself that you love him - and obviously hope it will work . That is enough ..

my advice would be to keep quiet about the messages.
If he's constantly giving her attention when he's home THAT is when you bring up the issue of him prioritising her instead of you.
you need to focus on becoming financially independent asap - continuing a part time, distance learning course is secondary to that for now.

tell him there needs to be a change in the family dynamic.
First you want clarity on family income and expenditure - so access to all bank accounts, savings,bills, expenditure etc.

he's not a single man anymore - he's chosen to be in a committed partnership and a parent-so ALL money is family money, not just 'his' because he earned it/bank of mum n dad gave it him.

you want access to your share of the family money that you earn via being a housekeeper, nanny, teacher and general dogsbody - all of which are jobs that would be paid a wage if they were outsourced.
you do not want him 'giving' you money on a 'needs' basis- you are not a child and not asking for 'pocket money'.

give him a list of essential household/kids expenditure.
what's leftover after bills have been paid is to be split between you.

if he won't agree then you stop homeschooling and get them registered into a mainstream school so you can focus on earning money.
check out rents/benefits/schools you would be entitled to in the uk.
you've still got 6 months to get through at least before relocating.
so if you get the ball rolling now, then come relocation time you can just go your own sweet way if things haven't changed for the better.

it goes without saying that you need to start using contraception again - having babies without using common sense is what's got you into this mess.

forget getting married just so you can divorce him for money - that isn't going to do your self respect or self esteem any favours.
the house is in joint names anyway so that's taken care of, and you can claim maintenance from him via cms if he dicks about with it.

look into how much notice you would need to give the tenants if you wanted to move back to your house.
what happens to the rental income/profits? cos 50% of that should be coming to you directly.
also check the legal status of moving dc back to uk against his wishes.

forget getting married just so you can divorce him for money - that isn't going to do your self respect or self esteem any favours.

That isn't the reason. It's so if he divorces her she'll be protected.

Would definitely marry... It makes you in such a better position.

Also it MAY just work

PS how much of your degree did you complete?

The more you write, the more there are signs of an abusive, controlling man. They can ALL be lovely for as long as they get what they want, but be really nasty if you challenge them in any way.

try reading this

He may just be 'mildly' controlling & not horrifically abusive, but he has:
got you pregnant & therefore committed very quickly
fallen for someone who (from your summary) was quite emotionally vulnerable
put you in a position where you're totally reliant on him (no degree, kids to raise, no money)
made you feel bad for wanting autonomy over family money (while you contribute huge amounts of invisible money by doing everything for the kids)
emotionally neglected you
negates your interests as if you're not really a person
got another woman he openly dangles in front of you.

ALL of these things make it almost impossible to break away from him.

So - start small. Start doing things that give you some more freedom. I do know a couple where the wife finishing her degree and getting a job made her husband see her as a valued individual & he started showing far more respect and appreciation. This is very rare - most controlling men will get more controlling, obstructive & even violent, but it can happen that he sees you with fresh eyes.

Think of one thing you'd like to do for yourself, and do it, even if it's just go for a walk or phone an old friend for a chat. Start doing stuff for you.