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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants me to speak only their language while at their house

176 replies

Mummymummymummmeeeee · 05/07/2018 20:33

I'm staying with my in-laws in another country for a fortnight. They don't speak English so I have learnt their language and can speak it reasonably well. At home in the UK DH and I speak to each other in English all the time. Today my MIL has told DH that she wants me to speak only their language while I am staying at their house as she thinks it is rude that she can't understand everything we say - when all having a meal together or sitting together I generally speak their language, but if sitting separately with DH or just asking something quick like where we've put something etc I will usually speak in English. I'm also speaking more English in their house since having DCs as DS1 age 2 insists that I speak to him in English.

I think her request has been triggered because yesterday DH asked her if she minded if we went out for half an hour for a drink at a nearby bar and if she could call us straight away to come back if DS2 (3 months old and exclusively BF) woke up, she told him she would just pick him up until we came back and was upset that she didn't think that we could let her settle the baby (doesn't seem to bother her that she can't feed him which is the only reason he wakes at the moment!). DH decided he couldn't trust her to call us if needed and decided against going out and didn't tell me until today - but I think she must have thought we were discussing it in English last night.

As she hasn't asked me directly I've decided that I'm going to carry on as normal speaking their language or English when it feels appropriate as it is a lot of effort for me to speak their language all the time just so that they can always know what we are talking about! I extended an olive branch today by asking her to bath DS2 to show I trust her to look after him. Does this seem reasonable or AIBU and would others respect MIL and speak only their language?

OP posts:
MadMags · 05/07/2018 20:36

YABU.

I think you're being rude. The pair of you are being extremely cheeky asking her to mind a three month old and then deciding you don't trust her.

And you are 100% BU to have a toddler dictating how you speak.

HollowTalk · 05/07/2018 20:36

I think you should speak their language. It's horrible being in a room with people who are chatting away in their own language, when they could speak yours. Why would you do that to her?

There have been threads about this from the opposite point of view where posters have stayed with family who've excluded them through language.

Be polite. She's your husband's mother, ffs.

drinkyourmilk · 05/07/2018 20:37

When i was with my pil I would speak in their language, but when in was only with my dh or son I would speak in English if that's what I wanted to do.
Does your ds1 understand /speak his father's native language? Just wondering if it's more about your son's interaction with them than yours- but obviously they can't get shirty with a 2 year old!

Casmama · 05/07/2018 20:37

I think I would respect her request- she is giving you hospitality and I would feel quite uncomfortable about people staying in my house speaking a language I don’t understand.

confusedlittleone · 05/07/2018 20:38

I would respect her wishes this time and then not stay there again. Also if baby woke up he'd be ok with some cuddles for a little bit so I think it's a bit unreasonable of your DH to decide he doesn't trust her

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 05/07/2018 20:39

YABU.

And a two year insisting anything..?! You’ve got bigger issues coming up.

Casmama · 05/07/2018 20:39

I also agree it was a bit crappy to not trust her with the baby- if he was hungry no doubt she would have phoned after a few minutes of crying- she managed to raise your DH didn’t she?

Plumsofwrath · 05/07/2018 20:40

I think she’s being a bit U expecting you to speak another language than the one of your marriage. Her son chose a woman from another language. Same for her DGS: he will not always speak a language she understands.

I’m a bit Shock that anyone would actually ask this out loud, though! How do you tell someone you want to listen to their private conversationsConfused

GinIsIn · 05/07/2018 20:40

Your MIL is correct - it’s rude!

halfwitpicker · 05/07/2018 20:41

YABU.

Especially as you say you're reasonably fluent.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 05/07/2018 20:41

YABU to not speak the common language in their home.
I wouldn’t leave a small baby with someone I didn’t trust to call me straight away though.

Heratnumber7 · 05/07/2018 20:43

DS1 age 2 insists that I speak to him in English

In my family two year olds don't get to dictate anything.

I think it's rude to have private conversations in front of someone who doesn't understand your language, especially when you're able to speak theirs.

BendingSpoons · 05/07/2018 20:44

I think YANBU personally. I have various relatives who speak different languages. They will speak English all the time in a group but use their language when having separate conversations as it is easier. They have bothered to learn English, I haven't bothered to learn their language.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 05/07/2018 20:44

I think it's polite to speak in their language if they are in earshot even if you're not speaking to them. However if you're in a separate room with your husband and can't physically see her then I think it's only natural to revert to the language you normally speak. Your child might insist on English normally but should be able to understand that at grandma's house we speak grandma's language. It would be a shame if they can't communicate later

Smallhorse · 05/07/2018 20:45

Yabu about the language and a few other things too.

You are a guest in her house.
Learn some respect, and teach your 2 year old some too.
It’s a wonderful thing to give a child the gift of being bilingual. Embrace it.

pacempercutiens · 05/07/2018 20:45

YANBU.
Your children, your rules, regardless of who's house.

If she told you she wasn't going to ring you when DS2 woke, as per your request, then you don't have to be comfortable leaving him with her. I certainly wouldn't have left my DD at 3 months with someone who told me they were going to go against any of my wishes. And my DH wouldn't have either.

If DS1 prefers to speak english right now I would encourage speaking no matter what the language.

Presumably your MIL knew you didn't speak her language all the time, so when she invited you she would have known to expect that.

And ofc your MIL could learn some English if it bothered her that much - you did learn her language after all.

mistermagpie · 05/07/2018 20:47

I personally think it's a shame you don't respect her enough to speak her language in her own home (when you are capable of doing so) and that you don't trust her to look after your baby for a few hours, when she managed to raise a man you deemed fit to marry.

llangennith · 05/07/2018 20:49

YANBU. It’s perfectly normal among bilingual people that they automatically speak the language they always use with any particular person. So OP will be making the effort to speak DH’s family language with all of them but will slip into her own language when talking to her husband.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/07/2018 20:50

I don’t think yabu about any of it.

Takfujimoto · 05/07/2018 20:51

You've learnt her language and use it about 80-90% of the time?

She however knows you speak English and hasn't bothered to learn any of it at all? Even though your DC speaks it?

YANBU

How long have you been there already? I would find her request rude anyway and suspicious if it was made after her DS, your DH didn't let her babysit.

I would carry on how you are if your are comfortable, she shouldn't be demanding anything off you, you're her guests Hmm

Cornishclio · 05/07/2018 20:53

I think at the dinner table if you are all sat there then speaking in your MIL language is polite but if just a private conversation between you and DH or DC then speak in English. If she is that bothered tell her to learn English.

I also think that your DC should not be forced to speak in your MIL native tongue. Speaking two languages is difficult and if your DC is tired then you should not force him to speak in anything other than his native tongue.

Not sure what the big deal is about leaving the baby for half an hour. I had my 10 week old granddaughter for a few hours today as it was my DDs and SiLs anniversary. Surely it is not a question of whether or not you trust her, it is more he is EBF which only you can do. Presumably the bar is close by.

Takfujimoto · 05/07/2018 20:54

mistermagpie It was actually the MILs son who decided not to let his own mother babysit, so,,,,

mistermagpie · 05/07/2018 20:56

Sorry, you're right! I misread that bit. In that case, even more of a shame, but not the OPs responsibility.

mostdays · 05/07/2018 20:56

It was your dh who decided he couldn't trust her to call if the baby needed you, wasn't it, and he didn't even tell you until the next day? That's what I read anyway, I'm a bit Confused by pp giving you a kicking for that.

I do think it's rude and unfair to speak English when your MIL is around, because she can't understand and join in whereas you can speak her language.

Peaseblossom22 · 05/07/2018 20:58

If the Op is doing OPOL (one parent one language ) then the two year old is going expect the english speaking parent to speak english and the other parent to speak their language. You can't just change for a couple of weeks, it has to be consistent.

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