MIL wants me to speak only their language while at their house

[Mummymummymummmeeeee]

I'm staying with my in-laws in another country for a fortnight. They don't speak English so I have learnt their language and can speak it reasonably well. At home in the UK DH and I speak to each other in English all the time. Today my MIL has told DH that she wants me to speak only their language while I am staying at their house as she thinks it is rude that she can't understand everything we say - when all having a meal together or sitting together I generally speak their language, but if sitting separately with DH or just asking something quick like where we've put something etc I will usually speak in English. I'm also speaking more English in their house since having DCs as DS1 age 2 insists that I speak to him in English.

I think her request has been triggered because yesterday DH asked her if she minded if we went out for half an hour for a drink at a nearby bar and if she could call us straight away to come back if DS2 (3 months old and exclusively BF) woke up, she told him she would just pick him up until we came back and was upset that she didn't think that we could let her settle the baby (doesn't seem to bother her that she can't feed him which is the only reason he wakes at the moment!). DH decided he couldn't trust her to call us if needed and decided against going out and didn't tell me until today - but I think she must have thought we were discussing it in English last night.

As she hasn't asked me directly I've decided that I'm going to carry on as normal speaking their language or English when it feels appropriate as it is a lot of effort for me to speak their language all the time just so that they can always know what we are talking about! I extended an olive branch today by asking her to bath DS2 to show I trust her to look after him. Does this seem reasonable or AIBU and would others respect MIL and speak only their language?

I’d say YABU, too. Don’t you want to make an effort? I know it’s hard, it tires me out sometimes. Surely you would like your dc to speak another language? It’s been proven to improve literacy in their first language and helps them with language learning at school, even if it’s not taught there.

If your ds understands the language, I think now is a fab time to reinforce his comprehension and give him an immersive experience.

I try to always speak my in-law's language when we're all together, but in our room on our own, or if there's no one else about, we speak mainly in English. I feel it is rude to exclude people by having an conversation they are present for, but cannot understand. What you do when it's just the two of you is your business.

At home I talk to the DC in English, but when with the in-laws we mainly talk to the DC in the in-law's language. It's more polite.

YABVU

I think I would respect her request- she is giving you hospitality and I would feel quite uncomfortable about people staying in my house speaking a language I don’t understand.

^This

I know a lot of people who speak different languages and they will speak the common language in the group but not unusual to have short snatched conversations in their usual language which others may not speak.
So YANBU, what you are doing is normal so long as you aren't breaking off a chat with her to launch into English while she is still standing there...

You're absolutely not being unreasonable.

Depending on how good your grasp of PILs' language is, it wouldn't do any harm speaking it where possible. Me, I still find it tiring speaking my PILs' language all day (having also learnt to speak it after meeting DP), so I'll do it as far as I need to, but no problem switching to English or our (DP and I) other common language if need be.

My PIL (who speak no English) wouldn't dream of telling me what language to speak, though – that's breathtakingly rude! Put yourself in their shoes – can you imagine ever asking someone to do this?

Oh, and people saying they feel uncomfortable hearing people speak another language are kipping idiots who really need to get out more. People who've never bothered to learn even one foreign language really have nothing to say on this subject.

BTW, with the kids I'd recommend OPOL (one parent, one language) – it's worked great for us.

A two year old ruling the roost already, God help you
I would have loved my kids to have had such an opportunity to speak another language, Wow, that's lots of language GCSE's sorted for the future, if you can bother.
YABU on so many levels. Why would you go out and leave a small baby with anyone, when breast fed.
I think you should speak the language when you are with mil, and encourage your child too, what an opportunity, many don't have.

I have a few friends who speak other languages at home, and all of them always speak English when they are around English people. Even when they share a language, they talk English to each other so that nobody feels excluded. When talking to their young children, all of them speak in the home language first, then say the same thing again in English.

YABU about the language thing. I know it's hard, and exhausting, but please make the effort to be kind to your DH's family. The ebf thing is another matter, and I probably wouldn't have trusted her either. I know it was your DH's decision though.

Oh, and by the way, English is the nr. 1 language in the world for business, science, technology and future education of our children....

Even if Spanish and Mandarin are a close second.

I get that granny is annoyed. Yes, her grandchild may not be fluent in her language. But he is going into the future.

Kahlil Gibran words it perfectly.

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

It would depend entirely on how fluent I was in their language as to whether I would always be speaking it in their home. Of course I would try, but it wouldn't always be possible.

I think I would respect her request- she is giving you hospitality and I would feel quite uncomfortable about people staying in my house speaking a language I don’t understand.

Well I’m afraid that’s what happens when your child gets married with a foreigner and lives in said country...
Even as a PIL you have to make allowances.

She right, you’re rude. You’re in their native country, in their home and you can speak their language but choose not to even though they don’t speak your native language. You’re excluding them from conversations. Rude.

I have yet to see any PIL learning to fully speak a foreign language becaus their grand child is speaking it

Brexit my maternal side including Aunts, Cousins, MIL all learnt a FL when a family member Married and subsequently had children over the course of half a decade until the majority were very comfortable communicating with the other side of the cousins family, not everyone is fluent but they've all tried and can get buy well.

It's just a courtesy to me and something as a family we did automatically without much fuss tbh.

Another family member married a member of the Maasai and that side enthusiastically learnt and travelled extensively to visit the other side of their new family.

It does happen and I don't see why there can not be a little give and take or mutual respect by making an effort this way, the MIL needs to try as well.

YANBU at all and your MiL needs to get over herself. Does she want a good relationship with you or does she prefer to be dictatorial?

You have made a huge effort and she needs reminding of that. Firmly.

Does your DS1 know any of your dh’s Language OP? How are you as a family communicating? Does your dh speak his language when he is with DS1 and you speak English when around DS1? If this is the case then I don’t think it’s fair for your MIL to enforce your talking to your DS1 in your DH’s language. Just explain that this is what you have found helps to make it easier for your DS to learn both languages. You could say a phrase in English, then repeat it in your DH’s language but if that is going to confuse your DS then stick with what is familiar.

I would continue to communicate with your DS’s as you would normally. You could encourage your MIL to point at objects and say the word in her language to DS1. Does your DS have any word books? My sons favourite books at 18 months were his word books, which contained images and corresponding words. If you can, I would purchase one in each language. You could even help MIL to understand a little English using the books.

I would speak your DH’s language whenever your MIL and other in laws are present. However, if you and your DH/ DS are alone in a room, I would talk in English. If it is a private conversation then it doesn’t matter what language you are speaking, your MIL shouldn’t be listening or understanding. Particularly if you are alone in your bedroom.

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For two weeks I would speak in your MIL’s language. It’s impolite to do otherwise. It’s also a good example to set your DS.

I think as you are only staying with your MIL for two weeks and you can speak her language she is not being unreasonable to ask you speak her language while you are altogether. There is no reason to speak anything but English to your dc if you are doing OPOL. She may rightly be concerned that if her grandchildren don’t learn to speak her language she won’t be able to communicate with them - try and put yourself in her position. Imagine one day having grandchildren of your own and think about how you’d feel if they didn’t learn to speak English. Trusting MIL to look after your new baby is an entirely separate issue - some would say you were fortunate in being able to leave DH to deal with his mother in his own language (rather than getting into an argument with an English MIL while your DH sits it out). If she only sees you when’s you come to visit it’s quite understandable that she wants to do as much for her new grandchild as possible.

"YANBU. It’s perfectly normal among bilingual people that they automatically speak the language they always use with any particular person. So OP will be making the effort to speak DH’s family language with all of them but will slip into her own language when talking to her husband."

This.

YANBU

You've made the effort to learn another language which is a lot - not like she's learnt English. And if you do want a private word with your husband that is perfectly reasonable and she doesn't need to be involved in all your discussions in any case.

In regards to her looking after LO I agree with your husband. If she can't respect your requests then you done the right thing not allowing her to watch the baby. Your comfort and confidence in the person watching your baby is important to even enjoy the time out so it's pointless when worrying if your baby's hungry or restless or anything.

Hope all works out x

I don’t think you are being unreasonable.
Without thinking it’s very natural to speak in your mother toungue - especially when speaking to people you usually speak to in that language.
I stay with relatives - close family- in Germany. They often slip into German when I am there , just because they are simply speaking the language they are used to so it’s easier and more comfortable.

I think if you make the effort and speak to them all the time in their language then you should be allowed a bit of ‘not hard work’conversation with your husband and child.
And as for people saying ‘ don’t be dictated to by a child’ - have they ever met a two year old before?? They don’t really understand reason much. If he wants you to speak in English to him why wouldn’t you? Why upset him? You can also slip the odd sentence in speaking the other language - if he pulls you up on it just say ‘ooops! I forgot! It’s fun speaking xxxxx and it’s nicer for granny because she wants to know what you are saying. You get more with sugar than shit - especially with children.

OP is not excluding her MiL. She's only speaking English with her DH and child, not when everyone is around the table together. Yes, Mil may be within earshot, but that doesn't mean she has to understand everything when OP and her DH are having their own conversations.

If you're bilingual you fleet between the two, it all depends on who you're speaking to (and sometimes which country you're in). This mil is being unreasonable given that she knows it's not Ops first language. Plus her reasons for requesting that they speak in her language should not be entertained.

I think your mother-in-law is being completely unreasonable and quite rude herself, OP - she has no right dictate to you what language to speak to your husband and children when you are talking privately with each other without her being part of the conversation/in the same room as you are. She must know she is in the wrong as otherwise she would have told you this directly herself, I think, without getting your husband to tell you on her behalf.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. You made a huge effort to learn their language and although you speak it reasonably well, if you aren't totally fluent it's bound to be a continual effort. It would be totally normal to slip back into English to talk to your DP or DC. I also think that her motives for wanting you only to speak her language are all wrong - it sounds like she's paranoid that you are talking about her which is just a bit strange (assuming that you aren't ).

As for the babysitting thing, I asked my in laws to call me when they babysat ds if he woke up - he was about 5 months old and ebf. They didn't even give me a heads up that they weren't going to call... they just didn't; So that was 3 years ago and they haven't babysat again.

YANBU!!!!! She is bloody rude to dictate to you how you speak to each other!?! How dare she?! To her, fair enough! But to each other? No matter how much anyone argues it, it's plain rude and controlling

I think in earshot of your in-laws you should speak their language - but I think you should speak English to your D.C. and your DH should speak his language to the all the time.

But that's just what I think.