MIL wants me to speak only their language while at their house

[Mummymummymummmeeeee]

I'm staying with my in-laws in another country for a fortnight. They don't speak English so I have learnt their language and can speak it reasonably well. At home in the UK DH and I speak to each other in English all the time. Today my MIL has told DH that she wants me to speak only their language while I am staying at their house as she thinks it is rude that she can't understand everything we say - when all having a meal together or sitting together I generally speak their language, but if sitting separately with DH or just asking something quick like where we've put something etc I will usually speak in English. I'm also speaking more English in their house since having DCs as DS1 age 2 insists that I speak to him in English.

I think her request has been triggered because yesterday DH asked her if she minded if we went out for half an hour for a drink at a nearby bar and if she could call us straight away to come back if DS2 (3 months old and exclusively BF) woke up, she told him she would just pick him up until we came back and was upset that she didn't think that we could let her settle the baby (doesn't seem to bother her that she can't feed him which is the only reason he wakes at the moment!). DH decided he couldn't trust her to call us if needed and decided against going out and didn't tell me until today - but I think she must have thought we were discussing it in English last night.

As she hasn't asked me directly I've decided that I'm going to carry on as normal speaking their language or English when it feels appropriate as it is a lot of effort for me to speak their language all the time just so that they can always know what we are talking about! I extended an olive branch today by asking her to bath DS2 to show I trust her to look after him. Does this seem reasonable or AIBU and would others respect MIL and speak only their language?

No but TV can still help.
Both by actually immersing them in a culture (programs can be very different and will bring different ways of looking at things) plus some kids programs are actually very much part of the ‘culture’.
It also gives a subject of discussion that you can build on.
And it makes that language important in the family. It allows the child to think in that language rather than the majority language.

So just as much as TV wouldnt be enough for a child to learn a langauge, it can help a lot too.

I think TV helps in maintaining a language that DCs already speak - so watch TV in minority language for instance to keep up exposure. I don't think watching TV can actually teach a language in the first place (unless it's a programme specifically designed to teach the language). I used to insist my kids watched children's tv in German when we lived in Berlin to keep up their German which was their third language, but they already knew how to speak German - watching tv alone wouldn't have taught them to do so.

Trouble with TV is that you don't need to listen to the words a lot of the time to understand what's going on - you get it from the pictures.

I tried watching Italian TV while I was working there, to help "full immersion" - didn't help at all. OK, I was an adult, so less elastic of brain - but I just watched the pictures and got the sense from that. Plus the TV was mostly too fast for me to pick out individual words I knew.

Your DS is just 2 years old and insists you speak English? Yes, ok.

Well since (a) she won't be speaking English to your DCs will she? & (b) she's apparently she's not to be trusted anyway, then your H should resolve that you and he look after your DC and don't leave them with their grandmother.

You're in her home she isn't in yours. At least she wants you to speak her language - better that, than she doesn't want you to know it so she can sit there talking with her son and leave you out.

The fuss in general about raising your DCs to be monolingual seems strange. You both sound as if you're making her uncomfortable in her own home, and that's rude

To be honest I think your MIL is being ridiculous.

You have made all the effort to learn another language, and are speaking it 80% of the time. But if you need to speak to your dh and you are in a hurry or don’t know the words in the new language then of course you will speak your own language. I’m sure your MIL would do the same.

Imposing a rule will simply make you not want to visit again. And it’s weirdly controlling too, so much so I am indignant for you. A private conversation should be just that, it can be done without being rude. Your MIL shouldn’t be trying to listen.

As for dc2, a child that age will copy words, so I’d speak in any language, to improve confidence and vocabulary.

I always use the language of hosts, whether I'm fluent or useless. Communication is always possible even without a word in common. It's respect.

As you've been asked this time, it clearly makes her uncomfortable, so if you speak the language why not. Possibly things are getting lost in translation if there are occasional switches into a language she doesn't understand and has no idea what you are discussing. It's not comfortable to be spoken about or something you are involved in, such as caring for a baby, spoken about without understanding the conversation.

A 2 year old can't distinguish properly between languages! Children in bilingual schools have to colour code words and spellings as they learn them and they often use sentences that are a combination of both languages. If you use an accent they may have a feeling for that, but for understanding, no. Plus raising children as bilingual is an incredible gift, if a young child is swaying towards one, all the more reason to make the other seem more normal by using it yourself!

Plus it's just respect. You're guests in someone's home, someone who you expect to take care of a three month old still breast feeding baby and interact with a two year old. She needs to understand what's going on! Plus maybe she wants to be involved and be able to chat with you all, including the two year old.

Speak the language, you'll communicate better and no more misunderstandings.

YANBU. I also have a DH from a non English speaking country. My MIL would never request that I only
speak their language while visiting them (she also doesn't speak any English).

I also had a child reluctant to speak the "other" language. IME it can be counterproductive to try and force that child to speak it when they don't want to. My kids go through phases like this and it's apparently quite normal with bilingual children. As long as my kids get plenty of practice with their non-English speaking relatives, I'm not worried.

LuMarie my 2 year old can certainly distinguish between the languages he speaks and never speaks mixed up sentences but might ask how you say a word in the other language if he doesn't know it to finish the sentence. He is nearly 3 though - a year ago just before turning 2 I remember him speaking short eg. 4 word sentences that were half one language and half the other. It probably depends on the 2 year old

I agree about TV - DS1 gets 10 min screen time before meals so I can get his food ready (sometimes a bit more since having DS2 ) and I'm often surprised by the new words he learns from it in English, but he also manages to find YouTube videos for children in Russian and he says that he wants to learn Russian but the Russian words just don't seem to stick (nor for me either - I've tried learning the colours with him!) I think maybe it's down to already having a framework in his brain for English that he can add the words to.
We've been here a week now and he's actually getting a lot more confident chatting to ILs - now he's a bit older they seem to be able to understand him better so he's getting lots more positive feedback interacting with them which is encouraging him to keep trying, and he has more motivation to try as he knows DH understands English and ILs don't.

It took a couple of days for DS1 to give up on trying to speak slower and louder in English to ILs, was quite cute watching him being stereotypically British though!!
For those still posting re. the original AIBU question thank you, it's all sorted now though :)

This reminds me of being in a French deli over here.

DD said she didn't know the French for thank you, I said "It's merci, but they understand English." She said "Why are they talking to each other in French then?" 😂

I obviously missed something in the middle here!

Glad to hear it's all sorted out:)

It's funny with the language insistence with very young kids. School age with new vocabulary, spelling rules, grammar etc taught is the kind of age group of bilingual kids having a blend of one big language in their brain and developing the ways to manage these well. This is the stage where even one language can get trickier and is being worked on in a less organic way, maybe that's the difference.

Maybe little ones associate a certain language with a certain parent or familiar situation and don't like to have this up ended? It's true that almost three is very different to just turned two!

Anyway, lovely to hear they are happy chatting away and all is well!

A 2 year old can't distinguish properly between languages! Children in bilingual schools have to colour code words and spellings as they learn them and they often use sentences that are a combination of both languages Not my experience at all - even when they were speaking three languages my dcs never mixed them up. I’ve never heard of the colour-coding thing. I can remember asking dd when she was as learning to read how she knew that ‘chat’ was ‘sha’ (cat) in French, but ‘chat’ (talk) in English - she thought it was the most ridiculous question ever and said “Don’t be silly, there’s no such word as sha in English - anyway those letters don’t make that sound in English”. The bilingual brain is an amazing thing - it’s nothing like learning a language from scratch. I do remember moving to the U.K. for a bit when ds was five and him being astonished that everyone was speaking English all the time - I realised that up until then he thought we’d been speaking a minority language that only a few select people knew. He said “This is going to be much easier for you mummy - why didn’t we live here before?” Not long after that he and dd lost all their German as it wasn’t taught in their French primary and there was no longer any reason for them to speak it. Easy come easy go at that age, though they apparently both have faultless accents now they are learning it again at school.

they often use sentences that are a combination of both languages
I dint think so. That would be the sure way to ensure children are mixing the languages!

As for A 2 year old can't distinguish properly between languages again not my experience at all.
My dcs have always spoken French to my parents, even as 2yo. They very rarely added English words into it and when they didn’t it usually was because they hadn’t learnt the French word yet. (It was true the other way around too)
But generally speaking they woud never have used French words with English speakers or English with French speakers.
The mix only happened when they knew very well that the person would speak both languages (eg me)

A 2 year old can't distinguish properly between languages

My 2 year old knows to speak English with me and Italian with his grandmother. So either my 2 year old is a genius or 2 year old can differentiate between languages

A 2 year old can't distinguish properly between languages
Nonsense. Colour coding even more so. Our daughter was trilingual before she was two and clearly knew what was what and understood the different languages being spoken to her, though to be fair, she spoke fluently in each language later than her peers with only one language.

A 2 year old can't distinguish properly between languages! Children in bilingual schools have to colour code words and spellings as they learn them

Mine could. You could point to an object and ask them what it was in Swedish or English and they would give the correct answer. They never spoke the wrong language to either set of grandparents.

they often use sentences that are a combination of both languages

Code-switching is something bilinguals do: it doesn't mean they don't know the difference. Mine code-switched when they were in a bilingual setting; we still do; but never in a monolingual setting. You could say we all speak 3 languages: English, Swedish and bilingual.

If you read ancient Latin texts, grown-up and highly educated Romans code-switched into Latin; in pre-revolutionary Russia, aristocrats code-switched into French. It doesn't mean they couldn't tell the difference; code-switching is another way of expression.

Children never learn languages from scratch by watching TV. However, it can help with maintenance of a language that a child can already speak, by helping them to associate it with enjoyment--also, high quality TV (history documentaries, nature programs etc.) expose children to some good high level vocabulary. They can also set the language "atmosphere" of a room. If you want to have a playdate where minority language is used, for example, showing some TV in the language at the start can get them in the mood for using and sticking to that language.

Children in bilingual schools have to colour code words and spellings as they learn them

No they don’t, or at least not unless they are in a terrible school managed by people who don’t know what they are doing and making it up as they go along (not impossible)!

Bilingual children have two totally separate languages that develop entirely independently of one another, conditional on input. Children need consistent exposure to a rich, high quality language environment for each language they learn.

If children are exposed almost exclusively to language environments where code-switching is “the language”, this can inhibit vocabulary growth. Realistically this is unlikely to happen in middle class settings in countries like France, Germany, the UK.

I think it depends very much on how code-switching is used, user1499. As you suggest, if code-switching is used all the time, then it becomes carte blanche to choose the easiest option so you can see why that could discourage expansion of vocabulary. But if it is only permitted in certain settings (e.g. when alone with your bilingual family) and the child is also exposed to rich language environments of each language, then the effect will be different.

And if code-switching itself develops into a language in a specific community, then of course there is no reason such a creole language should not be as rich as any other language. English is doing ok.

This is a fascinating thread. I recognise the code-switching - it sometimes happens in our house with very specific school-related vocabulary where no one is entirely sure of the English equivalent (surveillent, cahier de liaison,. cour d’honneur, vie scolaire anyone?) I can totally see how if you did that too much you could be left with massive gaps in vocabulary. I think we are quite lucky in that it is English at home, French at school (and now we are back in France everywhere else) - so pretty much exclusively one language or the other rather than switching between the two. And lots of correcting of English along the way by us as as parents (two-and-a-half hours not two-hours-and-a-half, I left my coat at home not I forgot my coat at home) - it is a necessary effort to ensure they sound properly English (which they both are).

If children are being educated to live in monolingual societies, it is in their academic and economic interest to master their language(s) to monolingual native speaker standards. Code-switching creole, however fascinating for linguists, doesn’t work at A-level/Bac/your Oxbridge interview.

On the politeness issue, I would try to speak MIL language as much as possible. It would be very rude to have a complete conversation in English in front of her. The occasional sentence is ok provided you straight away said to her .... I was just saying, and repeat it in her language. That way you don't exclude her. As for the child care issue I would let MIL have as much handling and contact as she wanted in my presence but would not use her as a babysitter, an very young breast fed baby