MIL wants me to speak only their language while at their house

[Mummymummymummmeeeee]

I'm staying with my in-laws in another country for a fortnight. They don't speak English so I have learnt their language and can speak it reasonably well. At home in the UK DH and I speak to each other in English all the time. Today my MIL has told DH that she wants me to speak only their language while I am staying at their house as she thinks it is rude that she can't understand everything we say - when all having a meal together or sitting together I generally speak their language, but if sitting separately with DH or just asking something quick like where we've put something etc I will usually speak in English. I'm also speaking more English in their house since having DCs as DS1 age 2 insists that I speak to him in English.

I think her request has been triggered because yesterday DH asked her if she minded if we went out for half an hour for a drink at a nearby bar and if she could call us straight away to come back if DS2 (3 months old and exclusively BF) woke up, she told him she would just pick him up until we came back and was upset that she didn't think that we could let her settle the baby (doesn't seem to bother her that she can't feed him which is the only reason he wakes at the moment!). DH decided he couldn't trust her to call us if needed and decided against going out and didn't tell me until today - but I think she must have thought we were discussing it in English last night.

As she hasn't asked me directly I've decided that I'm going to carry on as normal speaking their language or English when it feels appropriate as it is a lot of effort for me to speak their language all the time just so that they can always know what we are talking about! I extended an olive branch today by asking her to bath DS2 to show I trust her to look after him. Does this seem reasonable or AIBU and would others respect MIL and speak only their language?

I actually think your MIL has been very rude and YANBU. And i am shocked with all the people questioning why you don't trust the woman that raised your husband to look after your child. The MIL clearly seems to have a bit of an agenda as she didn't listen to what you asked her re your child and that speaks volumes. Don't stay with them again.

I think that you speaking in English your dcs is normal.
But speaking in English when anyone else is aired is wrong.

But the issues isnt you two speaking English together. The issue is that your MIL feels you are talking behind her back.

Fwiw, being a bilingual family myself, I wouod just speak their language whilst you are there. I get that you will automatically switch to English (because that’s the language you use between you) but if it allows for smoother relationhsip with your MIL, then it might be worth it.
Not speaking English, even if it’s to say ‘can you pass me the salt’ is worth it. People around you won’t know you’ve said something so boring and they might well assume the worst/feel excluded.

Depends. If you're having a conversation in earshot, yabu as the feeling of being talked about is easy to create unintentionally. But everywhere in the house regardless of if it's a private conversation in your bedroom,
yanbu.

I also think that your DC should not be forced to speak in your MIL native tongue. Speaking two languages is difficult and if your DC is tired then you should not force him to speak in anything other than his native tongue.

Actually that is totally wrong. A child who is raised bilingual has TWO mother tongues. One might be the minority language but it’s the language spoken at home and shouldn’t be an issue for the child.
Actually been ‘forced’ to speak his FATHER language (half of HIS heritage) is probably essential if you want any chance of hims actually been bilingual.
If a child doesntbuse rhe langauge they are never going to learn it!

YANBU at all.

English is your first language, but you've learned to speak your DH's family's language so you can talk to them. That is amazing!

BUt it doesn't mean there won't be times you slip into English wne speaking with your DH alone, even if it is is someone else's house. Your MIL is being unreasonable. And nosy.

YANBU. You have learned their language which lots of people marrying a foreign language speaker never do. You are mainly speaking it in their house. And you have a child who is not bilingual.

She has a far better response from you than many with a son/daughter in law speaking another language and is being a v bad host.

My DF did his best to speak my DM's language but was never fluent. I never learned it. So when we went to her home country he did his best but a lot of conversation went over his head, my DM spoke in both languages and my GPs spoke to me in English badly and spoilt me rotten as they only saw me once a year and wanted to be able to speak to me.

Well, clearly I'm the only one who thinks MIL could make a little effort and try to learn some english, as it sounds as if she could meet you half way, and not have you make all the running. (I am crap at languages, what if OP was, too, and had not managed to get nearly fluent? Would you not be permitted to speak at all?) Besides which if a grandchild will only speak in english, I would want to be able to communicate with him, whatever it took. A verbal language, sign language, whatever, I'd try to learn at least a bit.

I think your MIL is being unreasonable dictating to you which language you should be speaking, you have made the not inconsiderable effort to learn her language and speak it to her and in group situations. It's perfectly natural to revert to the language you use at home in the situations you describe. As for other posters saying they wouldn't let a 2 year old dictate to them about which language is used, don't be ridiculous. A 2 year old won't be anywhere close to fluent in either language, they shouldn't be reprimanded or told off for naturally reverting to the language they more than likely have the most confidence and ability in. 2 year olds find it difficult enough to convey their needs and emotions as it is, without adding in a further obstacle of insisting they only communicate in their second language.

My in laws aren't English, they only speak fairly basic English and I don't speak their language. Do I throw a shit fit if they only speak their language when they are in my home. Of course I bloody don't.

She however knows you speak English and hasn't bothered to learn any of it at all? Even though your DC speaks it?

Oh how much I’m laughing!
Let’s be clear there. I have yet to see any PIL learning to fully speak a foreign language becaus their grand child is speaking it. They would VERY RIGHTLY expect the child to learn their language. It’s not because it’s English that everyone has to learn it.
I can imagine the look on the OP’s parent face if they were told they needed to learn her DH language ‘because the dcs are speaking that langaueg’....

But more to the point, it’s also quite common for partner/husband to not learn the other parent language anyway... I think the OP has actually done a really big effort to learn her DH language! It’s more than a lot of partners ever do.

Yanbu. I don't understand the responses on this thread. You asked mil to call you if the baby woke and she refused. Baby is ebf - I wouldn't trust her either. What qualifies her to overule your choice? If she isn't willing to support your parenting then of course you cannot leave the baby in her care

As for the language, I think it's amazing that you have bothered to learn her language and speak it most of the time in her home. She doesn't have a right to hear private conversations that you have with dh. Of course it is hard for you to speak a foreign language all the time and it is natural for you to prefer English occasionally.
Is she going to speak only English when she visits you? What's good for the goose...

If she wants you to be regilar visitors, she needs not to undermine your parenting and make you feel uncomfortable.

YANBU at all. Your MIL is being precious and a bit jealous I think, because you and your DH and DC can speak a language that she can't. She's making it all about you (You're excluding meeeeee!), when it's not, it's just about the expediency of communicating in your own language. I'd carry on tbh, although you're right to speak their language when it's a general conversation and everyone is joining in. Your MIL seems to suspect that any time you speak in English it's about her, but it's not. Could your DH maybe reassure her to get her off your back?

*she's making it all about HER, not you

We’re raising a bi-lingual child and I’ve been told by a few professionals that we should be consistent in the language we speak to the baby. SIL was also told the same after taking DNeice to a speech and language therapist as she was selectively mute at school. So YANBU to speak English to the DC if that’s what you normally do. And YANBU to think that an EBF 3 month old who wakes overnight will need a feed to settle and will therefore need you. If you’re nearby and she won’t agree to call you back if the baby wakes then you and your DH are definitely right not to allow her to babysit.

Just don’t exclude MIL and if she’s there and anything is said in English, between DH and yourself or to the DC, then it should be translated so that she can understand. Save any private conversations for in private. We abide by this rule as we have people in our extended family that don’t speak the same language(s) as each other and no one is ever offended.

From what you say you have put in a lot of effort to learn MIL's language and mainly speak it when around her. When people speak a foreign language it's normal for them to find it a tirying effort and to swap back to their native language every so often, so YANBU to speak a little bit of English from time to time.

Of course you should speak English to your 2yo! Children don't learn languages through being forced and if he's struggling to communicate in the second language to the point where he asks to speak English instead you are right to listen to him. Many bilingual children struggle at times with the less dominant language, my two included.

I wouldn't leave my 3mo with someone who did not agree with my parenting decisions either. Asking MIL to call you to breastfeed is an entirely reasonable request and she should not take it as an attack on her ability to look after your DS.

Your MIL sounds controlling and ready to take offense at everything.

I think the people telling you YABU and rude have no experience of bilingual families and raising bilingual kids. I learned DH’s language in order to communicate with his family (who have learned no English) and can speak it fairly well now. But our language as a couple remains English. And there are things I don’t know how to say. It’s completely unnatural for us to speak his between the two of us, though of course we do sitting at the table with his family etc. But I’m not going to worry about everything I say in earshot of others being understood. They know that’s ‘our’ language.
And most people raising bilingual kids take a one person one language approach. So you consistently speak your language to the child. My DS never liked it if I didn’t speak English to him. He has grown to be a very sweet well mannered boy. IMHO you can’t compare the language of communication, which is so important to who we are, with toddlers tantruming to get their own way!
Our social circle has various languages going between parent and child that the others don’t understand. No one could give two hoots.

I live my life in another language and it’s fucking exhausting at times, your MIL is being completely unreasonable. If she thinks it’s so easy to speak another language the whole time then why hasn’t she learned English? It’s actually a very easy language to get started in.

And of course you need to speak your own language to your child. The only time I don’t is when they have friends over who don’t speak English, and I don’t want these little kids to find me mysterious and scary! My adult friends mostly speak English but the one who doesn’t can handle me saying things in English now and again. I don’t understand her native language either!

Of course you need to be polite and friendly to your ILs but I think the way forward is probably explaining to them how much work it is for you to speak your second language for weeks at a time and explain to them how bilingual language acquisition works. I know that my (very lovely) ILs assumed that it was no trouble at all for me to speak their language because I do speak it fairly well. It was only when I got a bit upset on a week-long holiday (just worn out from the effort) that the whole story came out, and they were so surprised to hear me say that the effort of speaking their language sometimes got to me after a while.

Sorry that this is so long and garbled, I’ve been speaking the other language all day and am really tired

Sorry yes YABU!

Changing the language in which you conduct your intimate relationships can be very, very hard indeed. If a third party asks two people to do so, they are infringing personal boundaries in a huge way.

Tbh I don't see the problem you have with speaking her language when you can speak it fine. It doesn't inconvenience you, but it makes her feel unwelcome in her own home.

Mmmm.
I can see both sides.

I live in a bilingual context too. My two, when toddlers, used to hate it when DH would try to speak to them in English and, like your DS, 'demanded' he spoke to them in his language. They soon grew out of it but I think it was really important for them at that time. Every child, family and linguistic context is diffetent though and I have friends in a similar situation whose children didn't seem bothered which language got spoken.

For context, my DH and I have always spoken his language ( I live in his country).

By all means continue to speak to your DS1 in English, but if your PILs are in the room I would suggest repeating it in their language so that they don't feel excluded. This is what I do and it seems to work.

I remember my step mother had a problem with DH and I speaking his language in the early years. Like your MIL she found it rude, felt excluded and even said she thought we were talking about her. We weren't, obviously.

We always spoke English when we were really 'with' them, but like you sometimes reverted to DH's language spontaneously, when we were more 'apart' from them or when he hadn't understood something.

I explained this to DSM, and tried to make more of an effort. She felt more reassured and got used to it, and DH's English improved so it became less of a problem.

Not sure what to say about the trust issues with MIL. Asking her to give DS2 a bath was a nice gesture.

Building a relationship with your in-laws takes time. In my experience the cultural differences have made it harder. I know my MIL still looks on me and my SIL as the ones who stole her precious sons from her. The fact that I'm foreign makes it worse. They were worried sick that DS1 would never learn to talk because I was 'confusing' him with English 🙄

So....lots of patience, empathy, more olive branches and do what it takes to become proficient in their language. But again, stick to your guns re speaking English to your children while they are in this funny stage, at least.

she managed to raise a man you deemed fit to marry.

What the fuck does this even mean actually?

Most of us manage to raise a son who will become a man. if we have been so lucky doesn't give us the right to dictate their life!

She sounds like the queen of the castle.

They don't speak English so I have learnt their language and can speak it reasonably well

You sound like you have put more effort into a multicultural relationship than her.

Is she pissed off that she couldn't control who her son married?

I married and had a son in a multicultural relationship. The family are wonderful even if we split up years ago Cos they love our son (now an adult).

If you are reasonably fluent in your DH’s Native language and you are in that country then it is only good manners to speak the host country language in the presence of your hosts.

If you were in the UK and your MIL was in your house, then she wbu to expect you to speak her native language all the time

Speaking in another language for hours on end IS utterly exhausting and yes, your MIL should know that. As a monolingual speaker she can have no idea what that's like.

I think its give and take.
we have family who married out and when we were together they would always speak English to us.but hen thye spoke to eachother especially when excited or arguing they often switched back.i love them I never remember thinking "how dare you" I did want to no wha they said lol but never took it to mean anything as we all new they wouldn't do it to offend.
it was fascinating to hear them argue because often the harsh words were quite like our English ones haha!

I have yet to see any PIL learning to fully speak a foreign language becaus their grand child is speaking it

Mine. Mine did. In the era before cheap flights, smart phones etc they only got to see their daughter and grand-daughter once a year and it was longer if they came to England than if we went to them.

So they learned so they could speak to me and my dad, and enjoy travelling around England. In fact, my DGM's partner, after my DGF died also learned a bit too.

It happens.