MIL wants me to speak only their language while at their house

[Mummymummymummmeeeee]

I'm staying with my in-laws in another country for a fortnight. They don't speak English so I have learnt their language and can speak it reasonably well. At home in the UK DH and I speak to each other in English all the time. Today my MIL has told DH that she wants me to speak only their language while I am staying at their house as she thinks it is rude that she can't understand everything we say - when all having a meal together or sitting together I generally speak their language, but if sitting separately with DH or just asking something quick like where we've put something etc I will usually speak in English. I'm also speaking more English in their house since having DCs as DS1 age 2 insists that I speak to him in English.

I think her request has been triggered because yesterday DH asked her if she minded if we went out for half an hour for a drink at a nearby bar and if she could call us straight away to come back if DS2 (3 months old and exclusively BF) woke up, she told him she would just pick him up until we came back and was upset that she didn't think that we could let her settle the baby (doesn't seem to bother her that she can't feed him which is the only reason he wakes at the moment!). DH decided he couldn't trust her to call us if needed and decided against going out and didn't tell me until today - but I think she must have thought we were discussing it in English last night.

As she hasn't asked me directly I've decided that I'm going to carry on as normal speaking their language or English when it feels appropriate as it is a lot of effort for me to speak their language all the time just so that they can always know what we are talking about! I extended an olive branch today by asking her to bath DS2 to show I trust her to look after him. Does this seem reasonable or AIBU and would others respect MIL and speak only their language?

user1499173618 Tue 10-Jul-18 10:32:19
"If children are being educated to live in monolingual societies, it is in their academic and economic interest to master their language(s) to monolingual native speaker standards. Code-switching creole, however fascinating for linguists, doesn’t work at A-level/Bac/your Oxbridge interview."

But if children are brought up to distinguish between different situations and given enough exposure to different situations, then there is no more reason to fear they will start code-switching in their Oxford interview than that they will suddenly start speaking French or Swedish.

My dc code-switched at home, following certain family rules. They never code-switched with either set of grandparents, or with their friends, or at school. Any more than they tried to speak non-code-switching English to their Swedish cousins or non-code-switching Swedish at school.

Being able to speak a certain type of creole doesn't mean you can never learn to speak anything else.

Sure, cory, because your children grew up in an educated home. Less educated homes often mean less explanation of the different registers of language and how to switch between them in mode appropriate ways.

Yes, user, but that goes for monolingual registers too; it's nothing specific to bilingualism or code-switching. If you turned up for your Oxford interview and spoke to the interviewing academic the way ds' mates speak to each other, that would be just as disastrous.

What is specific to a child exposed to constant code switching in a less educated environment is the sometimes severe lack of exposure to quality monolingualism. All bilingual children are slower to acquire monolingual vocabulary in both their languages but constant low-level code switching is particularly inhibitory.

YANBU. OPOL (one parent, one language) is so common and you can’t be expected to abandon that for the sake of someone’s sensitivity.

I’ve been in your situation and I’ve just continued speaking english. I’ve also spoken to MIL about it and the importance of a solid language. I’m lucky that MIL understands a bit of English so when it comes to what we’re saying, she will have a rough idea.

I think she could be getting her back up about the whole babysitting thing and is using the English thing as an excuse for anger.

Yabu. It would be rude to do anything else. Besides, this is a great opportunity to get more fluent and teach your DS the language of his dad.

All bilingual children are slower to acquire monolingual vocabulary in both their languages

No, they're not. There is a tendency this way, but it by no means affects all children. I have know some that have been slower and some that have been earlier than their peers.

And non-educated families differ a good deal among themselves, too. Some are naturally good at explaining things and communicating with their children, others less so.

We live in a French speaking country but are mother tongue English . Whenever we have anyone over who isn't English, we speak French. I think it's courteous.

cory - personal observation does not allow you to measure vocabulary. Bilingual children whose vocabularies are measured in lab conditions invariably have vocabulary deficits.

i think its rude to use a language that people dont understand if you can speak theirs.
assuming you want your children to speak to their grandparents only using their language in their home is sensible?
presumably if you are feeding your child just before leaving yabu to assume your mil is incapable of looking after a child

I thought to myself it was odd that the MIL didn't understand any English but now you've explained the second language in question is Russian it seems to make more sense that the mum doesn't have the language from her school years. I agree with "...but the Russian words just don't seem to stick...", I'm planning on, one day, making an effort myself to get beyond the thirty or so words that have stuck with me thus far.

"It took a couple of days for DS1 to give up on trying to speak slower and louder in English to ILs, was quite cute watching him being stereotypically British though!!" - hahaha! 😂

"DD said she didn't know the French for thank you, I said "It's merci, but they understand English." She said "Why are they talking to each other in French then?"" 😂 Yes, I've always wondered too, but about my own language.

I think the idea of having playdates in the target language will do the trick. As soon as there's any way of getting around on your own language, one will grab that opportunity. There's absolutely no point in struggling with a foreign tongue if you have an easier option, I know this from experience.

What is code-switching? I didn't get what it was.

cory - personal observation does not allow you to measure vocabulary. Bilingual children whose vocabularies are measured in lab conditions invariably have vocabulary deficits.

Could you direct me to those studies? I am very interested in bilingualism and would like to see a bit more about the methodology, sampling technique and the way the tests were set up before I was prepared to accept this statement.

Even if massive samples had been made, it would still be silly to make a sweeping pronouncement about all bilingual children, because any sample is going to be just that: a sample. I'd be very surprised if you could find an instance of a peer-reviewed scholar actually making such a statement.

When your PIL's visit your home do they only speak English?

Imagine if you had a daughter in law in your house who was quite capable of speaking your language but insisted on having little conflabs in her own language in front of you? what would you think?

You're rude. You can speak their language but they cant speak yours. So you speak theirs - simple.

TheMonkeyMummy, do you have French speaking guests stay for 2 weeks and speak nothing but French the whole time?

38712 MIL's language isn't Russian - that was an example of DS1 wanting to learn a language he doesn't already know from television and it not working. I realise this might be a slightly odd thing for a 2 year old to want to do but he has 2 languages at home and we also live in an area where a lot of other languages are spoken so he's quite aware of and interested in languages.
My ILs generation don't speak foreign languages generally here, my ILs in particular left school at a young age. DH and his friends of his age also don't speak much English - when he first came to the UK he had about as much English as I had of French from studying to GCSE level (ie. not very much) and I spoke none of his language, but we were quite young and not speaking the same language didn't seem to matter!! Now the children here seem to learn English better and earlier, some of the children in the play grounds can speak to DS1 in English already, although most can't.
Code switching is alternating between languages during a conversation.

Yanbu at all!

YABU. If you can speak another’s language with some degree of confidence and they don’t speak yours, you speak theirs when in their presence; otherwise it is bad manners.

My DB and SIL did decide to have a conflab in her language the other day, and were surprised when I answerer them! She forgets I have GCSE in her language and have been then dozens of times.

Bilingual family here. It’s very tiring for me having to speak my DH language when I’m there, and I’m more or less fluent. For my young son it must be even more tiring. You’re having to translate and process what’s been said to you in their language, then formulate and translate back from your mother tongue into their language in order to respond

DH and I speak his language when we’re with them eg at dining table in general conversation, but if it’s just us two or I want him to ‘pass the salt’ for eg I might slip into English - because it’s quicker and less tiring. I’ll carry on speaking to DS in English (we do opol) unless I’m asking him something that my inlaws are involved in.

I’ve taken the time to learn their language - but equally they’ve not had the courtesy to learn any of mine. So they don’t get to dictate what language my son and I use.

It's natural to always speak the same language to the same person. If the OP speaks English to her child she should not be forced to speak her DH's language to the child.
My parents didn't kick up a fuss when I and my DH spoke to each other in a language they do not understand... and when DH spoke to our DC in the same language they took it in their stride too. My husband made an effort to learn and speak English to my parents (like the OP as done with her DH's language) but they never required him to speak it to me or our children even when we were staying with them.
Anything that was really important was translated or summed up if necessary.
People who do not live in multi-lingual families have no idea about how the dynamics work

The way we played it in our family has always been: I have taken the trouble of learning to speak English so dh shouldn't complain if he finds speaking Swedish tiring: I found the early years of our relationship tiring too. If he didn't notice I found it tiring that was just because I got on with it without making a fuss. He can do the same or he shouldn't have married me in the first place.

I did not expect my ILs, BIL etc to learn to speak Swedish but made the effort to speak English to them; by the same token dh should make the effort to speak Swedish to my family.

While I think this kind of courtesy should be the rule between spouses, I don't think it should necessarily extend beyond that, as many people have multiple DILs or SILs speaking different languages; they would have to do a lot more learning than any one DIL or SIL.

As for dc, that would depend on what the family dynamics were: as it so happen we have never done strict OPOL so there would be no reason for me not to speak English to them when engaged in conversation with English speakers or for dh not to speak Swedish when in conversation with Swedish speaker. But different families have different patterns.

I suppose one thing that would make a difference is, in the case of English-Swedish, is that as a Swede you start learning English at age 7 or 9 but as an Englishman you would start as an adult (if at all). That makes a huge difference. But if your husband knows the other language (Swedish in this case) it's of course better to use it, for the in-laws in question, it would make them feel more comfortable and at ease.

YABVU

I think I would respect her request- she is giving you hospitality and I would feel quite uncomfortable about people staying in my house speaking a language I don’t understand.

^This

I find this line of thinking to be very flawed. What should the OP do when the in-laws come to the UK to HER house to visit? The parents then would be accepting her hospitality so they would have to suck it up and deal with everyone speaking English around them?

I think that it is perfectly reasonable to speak in the language of your inlaws when they are involved and out in public and to speak English to your children and in conversations with your husband where the audience is him alone. Why would your inlaws think it reasonable to be able to listen-in on your personal conversations?

I always spoke my IL language when around them