MIL wants me to speak only their language while at their house

[Mummymummymummmeeeee]

I'm staying with my in-laws in another country for a fortnight. They don't speak English so I have learnt their language and can speak it reasonably well. At home in the UK DH and I speak to each other in English all the time. Today my MIL has told DH that she wants me to speak only their language while I am staying at their house as she thinks it is rude that she can't understand everything we say - when all having a meal together or sitting together I generally speak their language, but if sitting separately with DH or just asking something quick like where we've put something etc I will usually speak in English. I'm also speaking more English in their house since having DCs as DS1 age 2 insists that I speak to him in English.

I think her request has been triggered because yesterday DH asked her if she minded if we went out for half an hour for a drink at a nearby bar and if she could call us straight away to come back if DS2 (3 months old and exclusively BF) woke up, she told him she would just pick him up until we came back and was upset that she didn't think that we could let her settle the baby (doesn't seem to bother her that she can't feed him which is the only reason he wakes at the moment!). DH decided he couldn't trust her to call us if needed and decided against going out and didn't tell me until today - but I think she must have thought we were discussing it in English last night.

As she hasn't asked me directly I've decided that I'm going to carry on as normal speaking their language or English when it feels appropriate as it is a lot of effort for me to speak their language all the time just so that they can always know what we are talking about! I extended an olive branch today by asking her to bath DS2 to show I trust her to look after him. Does this seem reasonable or AIBU and would others respect MIL and speak only their language?

Are you bilingual Enthusiasm? Do you know what it's like to speak a second language for days on end?

I think at the dinner table if you are all sat there then speaking in your MIL language is polite but if just a private conversation between you and DH or DC then speak in English.

This.

Also, the OP gets to decide what language she uses when talking to her child. Some bilingual families have individual-based rules about language (person X and person Y always speak language A together)--if that is your rule and it makes your bilingual balance "work," it's reasonable to insist that you want to stick to it.

Thanks all for your replies, particularly from others who have experience of bilingual families. It can feel like being in a bubble here sometimes away from my own family and friends so it really helps to get some outside perspective.

WRT DS1, at home I speak English and DH speaks his language, DS1 understands very well in both languages but is very confident speaking English but has to make a lot of effort to put even 2 or 3 words together in DH's language. He isn't the most adaptable traveller, but I think it's important for him to have contact with his GPs and DH's country so I tell him lots how much ILs love him and talk about all the positive things here, I think it would be very hard on him to insist that he and I only spoke DH's language together while here. I say things sometimes in DH's language but if he's upset by it will switch back to English, I translate what he is saying for ILs, and also encourage him to talk to them himself in their language. I'm actually generally quite firm with setting boundaries etc, but I definitely choose my battles and have never really seen the language we speak as a discipline issue!

TBH I wouldn't have asked MIL to babysit in the first place as I wouldn't have been able to relax away from DS2 - I have previously heard MIL on the phone lying to SIL when she was supposed to be looking after SIL's cat but had dropped it off at SIL's house 10 hours before their agreed time - she felt at the time that her reasons were justified but it was really uncomfortable listening to her outright lying rather than just explaining to SIL.

I don't feel like I'm painting a good picture of MIL though - she is generally really lovely and makes a lot of effort looking after us when we stay here. She does still see her relationship with DH very much as parent/child though (and by extension same with me) which I think is why she finds it difficult to accept that DH and I might know what is best for our DCs better than she could. Her request seems quite out of character though which is why I'm thinking of letting it blow over and carrying on as normal. I have asked DH already to reassure her if he has the chance that we weren't talking about her, after reading these replies I will also suggest he could explain how hard it is speaking a different language all the time and also how strange it would feel speaking a different language than usual between ourselves. If she confronts me directly about it I will try to explain the same, although this is the sort of difficult conversation that is even harder in another language!

Thanks again everyone

Why is it 'bad form' to ask someone looking after a three month old breastfed baby to call if he cries rather than waiting potentially half an hour for his mum to come back? Given that he is most likely waking for a feed the granny (however lovely) will not be able to make him happy. I assume that the parents have chosen a time to pop out when they think he will be asleep in any case, not sure why the grandmother was making a fuss about a phone call really.

I have a lot of friends who talk to their children in a language that I don't understand, even when I am supervising their children who are playing with my child. It's kind of odd as I know that they are commenting on how we are playing but I don't know what they are saying. The net result is that all of the power is handed to the child, as only he speaks both languages, and so both I and the other parent is ultimately reduced in authority, iyswim.

I just sort of rub along with it, and wouldn't say either way is wrong because people just have to do what they can cope with, but it's interesting how the power balance adjusts subtly when this happens.

Actually that is totally wrong. A child who is raised bilingual has TWO mother tongues. One might be the minority language but it’s the language spoken at home and shouldn’t be an issue for the child.

She does not actually say that she is raising her child as bi lingual and the child has expressed a preference for speaking English presumably because they live in England, he may go to nursery in UK and is only just learning to talk anyway. Presumably when they are at home in UK and at school English is spoken and they only speak the minority language when visiting one set of grandparents. I personally would not want to force a child to speak in a completely different language but maybe just introduce it gradually as he gets older. Forcing it could lead to all sorts of issues.

The other option is to mangle your mil native language so badly that she is relieved when you speak English. LOL

i think there is a split between those that do speak a second language and those that don t .
I can do 45 mins full listening ,responding about something complex then.I just drift off. Every chit chat is ok but anything such as a complex tv plot or post modernist art and I just lose the will to live.

AS to getting a little one to use their minority lang with mum in 2 weeks haha good luck!

*Chuckling at the number of MIL posts that go the other way.
You know, the ones where MIL refuses to speak the language of 'your' home and carries on speaking her own language? The hundreds of posts confirming how rude it is and how disrespectful to exclude the DIL etc etc etc.
*

But the OP is not refusing to speak the language. In fact she is being very respectful and speaking it most of the time.

Why should the MIL feel offended that OP and DH exchange a few words in English between themselves. They’re hardly excluding the MIL...

They are very far from “horrible house guests” how unnecessarily judgemental of you to say that

YANBU. Your first language is English. She can't tell you not to speak your own language. Ridiculous. Interfering, controlling behaviour.

YANBU. It's absolutely normal for bilingual people to speak different languages when different people. It sounds like you're only speaking English to your son/husband. MIL doesn't need to understand all of this- it sounds like she just thinks she might be being talked about or something?

Hi OP, my child is bilingual and the same age as yours more or less and I am the speaker of the minority language, like your husband. I would like to offer another perspective. Maybe your MIL is a bit hurt that she cannot communicate with her own grandson in any language and you have to be a translator. Maybe if your child was able to speak the minority language better, your MIL wouldn't feel so excluded. If I was you, I would get my husband to read a couple of books on how bilingualism works and how to encourage your child to improve his minority language. I am just suggesting this because from what I can see you do enough to include her in conversations and you only speak english when you are alone with your husband, so her request seems a bit unreasonable in this context. With a bit of planning, your DS can become fluent in the minority language and this can only be good for everyone involved.

Yanbu. My sister is English but her husband is Spanish and the language of their marriage is Spanish so every now and then they switch language for a bit and chat away. If it's relevant to the group conversation they'll catch everyone up. It is no bother at all - it sounds to me like your mil is a bit paranoid.

bgmama is spot on. Two weeks with their grandparents is the perfect way to give the minority language a boost - especially if you only speak English to each other and at home. My experience of bilingualism is that children will only speak any language if they need to - so if your dcs know they can speak in English to your DH, they are living in England, and at English school etc they will not speak your DH’s language. I have seen this with friends’ children (and with my own who spoke three languages until they were 5 and 7, but quickly stopped speaking the third when we moved to the UK for a few years and it was no longer required). I don’t suggest you need to speak the minority language when your PIL are out of earshot, but speaking when they are in earshot sends an important message to your dcs. I agree it is an effort, but raising bilingual children is an effort - they can learn a second or even third language effortlessly, but only if you the parents make an effort to ensure this happens. Monolinguists sometimes look at my two and say “Oh they are so lucky”, but I always remind them that it is not just luck it has required a degree of effort and sometimes inconvenience as well. I don’t recommend speaking to your dcs in the minority language (what is it?) or they will learn all your mistakes, but they should hear you speaking it so they can see the point of it (and soon they will be correcting you ).

Hmmm tricky. MIL should learn some English for DGCs sake.

ExMIL has two mother tongues, Italian and English. Her mother only spoke Italian. I learnt Italian so I could speak to her. However I was not good at speaking it But I could understand a lot more than I could speak. Generally, Gran would speak to in Italian, I’d reply in english, MIL would translate for Gran. My DDs would/still use only Italian around their Great Gran and Gran. ExH is fluent in both. When he gets cross he speaks in Italian. I’d respond in english. We got some funny looks from my family members doing that

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. You’ve made a huge effort to learn their language and it sounds like you are speaking it when you are directly talking to family members or in a group over dinner. If it’s just a quick private conversation with ds or dh I don’t see why that would need to be in the other language other than the fact your mil is either being nosy or paranoid you are talking about her.

Fwiw I wouldn’t leave a 3 month old baby with someone I didn’t trust to call me if it was crying either. Hope the rest of the holiday isn’t too painful.

YANBU. I took classes in DH's/MIL's native language but when I'm in their country expected to speak it all day, it's exhausting. It's outrageous for your MIL to insist that you never speak English. When my MIL comes to visit us and lapses into her language I don't kick up a fuss. I get it.

As for the babysitting, there are some grandmothers unfortunately who can't accept that baby needs their BF mother. I had a similar experience when DC1 was 3 months old and PILs offered to watch baby so I could go for dinner on my birthday. They never called or texted but I came home to a screaming baby who was refusing the bottle of expressed milk I'd left her, and apparently she'd been crying for an hour. MIL said she tried to comfort her and was upset it hadn't worked. So guess what - I will never leave a baby with her ever.

Have not rtft but have plenty of experience in bilingual households and YANBU. MIL should be able to tell from context and tone when you’re discussing whether the glasses go in the dishwasher versus when you’re plotting sinister moves against her as if this would even happen. You seem a very reasonable person and I know how tiring it is living in a new language so the effort you’re already putting in is to be commended or at least respected by your ILs. With the baby I concur you should stay close while showing trust as much as you feel ok doing eg baths as you have already done.

I always remind them that it is not just luck it has required a degree of effort and sometimes inconvenience as well.
Yep I fully agree with that.
And the fact the effort, in the early days, is made by the parents! (Or rather by the parent with the minority langauge)

Btw my experience with bilingual children is that it seems harder to children to learn that minority language when it’s spoken by the father.
I suspect because the father doesn’t have as much input in the child’s life (working full time etc etc) and therefore the amount of contact to that language is reduced.

Just to update on this DH has spoken to MIL this morning and reassured her we weren't talking about her, and explained why it would be hard for DS1 if I didn't speak any English (she dotes on him) and also what a mental effort it would be for me when I'm also tired from being up in the night with BF DS2. He said she understood and it seems to have cleared the air as she was chatting with me as normal this morning whereas yesterday was a bit awkward so hopefully all is well now. To be fair to her she has a fair bit of other stress going on at the moment so it's probably partly due to that.
DS1 was doing quite well this morning doing a bit of chatting to FIL and getting more confident :)
Thanks again all

Another parent from a bilingual household here and very glad to see that some people have come onto to point out that the kind of effort that feels so much for the parent with the majority language is an effort that has already been put - and is still being put in on the daily basis- in by the parent with the minority language.

I something feel even my extremely clued-up and positive dh doesn't really get this: that my fluency, near-native accent, ability to guide our children through everyday life in his language, help them with their homework when they were younger, introduce them to multiple aspects of his culture is the result of exactly the same amount of hard work as it would take him to get to a similar level in my language and culture.

My DM never said it aloud, but we were all expected to speak the minority language when visiting them as younger cousins didn't understand English. I don't know if it was right or wrong, but it has been extremely beneficial to my dc who now as adults have a second language to use.

I do think it's worth encouraging your son to speak in his dad's language whilst there tbh; if you can help facilitate that as you also speak the language I don't think that's unreasonable. It's certainly what happens in our family - everyone talks English whilst in Britain!

Have you considered insisting that your DC only watch TV/films etc in the other language? This is a good way of keeping up at least their understanding. This way television is educational

YANBU, it sounds like you make a huge effort to speak your MIL's language most of the time in her presence, and as someone married to a foreigner I know how mentally taxing it is to constantly speak and process another language (I find I get worse and worse the more tired I am). If what you're saying to your DH is not relevant to her, and it's just the odd thing here and there, it's fine to say it in English, imo. It's so hard to fight your natural mode of communication 24/7.

Tv actually doesn’t register in children’s brains for language development the way actual people speaking does- responding to a pp.