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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants me to speak only their language while at their house

176 replies

Mummymummymummmeeeee · 05/07/2018 20:33

I'm staying with my in-laws in another country for a fortnight. They don't speak English so I have learnt their language and can speak it reasonably well. At home in the UK DH and I speak to each other in English all the time. Today my MIL has told DH that she wants me to speak only their language while I am staying at their house as she thinks it is rude that she can't understand everything we say - when all having a meal together or sitting together I generally speak their language, but if sitting separately with DH or just asking something quick like where we've put something etc I will usually speak in English. I'm also speaking more English in their house since having DCs as DS1 age 2 insists that I speak to him in English.

I think her request has been triggered because yesterday DH asked her if she minded if we went out for half an hour for a drink at a nearby bar and if she could call us straight away to come back if DS2 (3 months old and exclusively BF) woke up, she told him she would just pick him up until we came back and was upset that she didn't think that we could let her settle the baby (doesn't seem to bother her that she can't feed him which is the only reason he wakes at the moment!). DH decided he couldn't trust her to call us if needed and decided against going out and didn't tell me until today - but I think she must have thought we were discussing it in English last night.

As she hasn't asked me directly I've decided that I'm going to carry on as normal speaking their language or English when it feels appropriate as it is a lot of effort for me to speak their language all the time just so that they can always know what we are talking about! I extended an olive branch today by asking her to bath DS2 to show I trust her to look after him. Does this seem reasonable or AIBU and would others respect MIL and speak only their language?

OP posts:
bourbonbiccy · 05/07/2018 22:48

YABU in my opinion, if you can speak their language and you are in their home you should respect their wishes. It's rude to speak a language they don't understand .

frami · 05/07/2018 22:50

If your children are being raised in the UK English will be their "working language" even if they are bilingual ie it will be the language they go to first, that they speak, think and dream in. It is also not unusual for bilingual toddlers to prefer one language over another, usually the one they hear most often. Sometimes they will only speak in the first language of each parent. So in your case English to you, other language to Dad. It's because unlike an adult language learner they are aquiring vocabulary from both languages simultaneously. Sometimes they can appear "behind" in their language skills but when you add up the total words they have in both languages you will find that it will be the same as children with only one language. Small children do not translate in the same way as an adult and this can contribute to a reluctance to speak both languages. Translation skills come later and along with them the reluctance to speak the secondary language. You should get your DH to explain this to his Mum in her own language so that she understands that if her GC refuses to speak in her language it is nothing personal, just a phase that will pass.

As for you speaking English at your PiLs house I as long as it is in private it is fine but not when others are present. Saying that it is exhausting speaking in a second language all the time and if I were your PiLs I would attempt to meet you half way and learn some basic English. As for MiL minding the baby your husband should have spoken to you before asking his Mum and then you could have perhaps expressed some milk for her to give him?

welshmist · 05/07/2018 22:51

It may make her feel uncomfortable so no I would not do it.

Beaverhausen · 05/07/2018 22:54

I think it would only be polite to speak their language while there, she does not seem like a nasty person and maybe if you had pumped some breastmilk you and DH could have gone out for the evening as she was willing to settle DS.

Just a thought but she must feel awful when she does not understand what you are saying when speaking in english and it must be very unsettling for her.

Personally I would apologise to her if I had caused any offense and hope the two of you can start on a new footing.

kikibo · 05/07/2018 22:54

Speaking another language is only rude if other people are trying to be included in the conversation or are going to be purposefully left out. If they are not (e.g. if a couple is sitting together, but slightly apart from the rest of the company) then it's not. Though obviously it can't hurt to go 'x was/we were just saying that...' if the dynamics change.

Also, I wouldn't suddenly start speaking another language to the elder child. It would only confuse him.

Pumpkinpie789 · 05/07/2018 22:58

YANBU! Can’t believe all these people who think you are!

Oldraver · 05/07/2018 22:58

What happens when she comes to your house ? Do you insist on her speaking only English ? How mean would that be..

YANBU

SteggySawUs · 05/07/2018 23:20

We have friends whose first language is one I don't speak. They were over for a meal and had a conversation at one point with one another, in English. I thought to myself how odd it was that they would do that when it's much less effort to use their native language. Then it clicked that it was for my benefit, not to listen in at all, but out of respect that they were in my home. I was honoured by an unnecessary but lovely gesture. Speak the language op, it'll mean more than you realise to her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/07/2018 23:23

Speaking a language you’re not used to speaking is massively tiring.

I can’t believe a lot of these responses! Op is ebf. Has a 3 month old baby and hats off to her, she’s travelled to see her in laws with her children for the benefit of the gps.

Now that’s not enough for her mil, who expects her to cope with speaking the local language on top of all that.

No op ya darn not fucking bu to want to speak your language to your child and your dh.

My dh is French. I have ME. I am far too ill to speak French all the time around my fil. It’s too exhausting despite being fluent. On visiting, I’ve already made a massive effort to visit him with my family. If I want to say stuff in English I will do so. Fil doesn’t mind. It’s not like we ignore him and often translate stuff.

Op your mil is nosy and your conversations can remain private despite what she thinks.

AmericanEskimoDoge · 05/07/2018 23:49

YANBU. It sounds like you generally make an effort to speak in PILs' language, so the occasional side comment/conversation in English isn't going to hurt anyone.

MIL will have to get over her paranoia that someone might say something about her that she can't understand. (Besides, if you really wanted to talk about her, there'd be nothing stopping you doing it in private, later on.)

While it's sometimes frustrating to be left out of conversations spoken in a language you don't speak or understand, it's truly not that bad. I speak from experience. When DH's family visit, they sometimes converse in their native language in front of me. The younger people all know English, and they are aware that I only know a smattering of their language, but it's obviously not done to shut me out. It's just far easier and more natural for them to speak in their native tongue, sometimes. If I want to know what's going on, I'll ask; otherwise, I just sit back and relax-- and maybe listen for the occasional word or phrase I do recognize.

Armadillostoes · 05/07/2018 23:57

YANBU and I suspect that lots of the posters saying otherwise don't actually speak more than one language, so don't really understand how it works/feels. (To be fair, this may be the issue with your MIL too)DP and I usually speak his language when relaxing, but I lapse into my first language now and again (which he speaks fluently) for the odd practical thing or something nuanced. It isn't always conscious. Also telling someone not to speak their mother tongue for a prolonged period is asking them to consciously monitor their behaviour and apologise for being natural and at ease.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/07/2018 00:06

And now three posters in a row, who actually get what it’s like to have a partner and therefore in laws, who speak a different language. Armadillos I thought after I wrote my comment that the people writing these posts probably have no concept of what it is like to be in this environment or how weird it feels to converse with your partner in the “wrong” language.

timeisnotaline · 06/07/2018 00:14

My brother and his wife did they each speak their native language to the dc. I think my sil would have disembowelled anyone who thought she shouldn’t speak in her own language to her own dc because she was in someone else house. Hope that helps 😬

Dieu · 06/07/2018 00:19

I extended an olive branch today by asking her to bath DS2 to show I trust her to look after him.

Wow, how good of you, and what a treat for her Hmm

SandyY2K · 06/07/2018 00:25

I'm.with your MIL on this one and your DH should have trusted her with the baby..

She would have called if he crying for any amount of time.

JellySlice · 06/07/2018 01:11

Having grown up in a multi-lingual family and experienced various people (including myself) being unable to understand some conversations in some houses, or struggle to switch languages, and now being married to someone who doesn't speak my mother tongue, I think yourMIL IBU.

Of course you should speak to your ds in your language, and your dh and ILs speak to him in their language, and of course you and your dh should be free to occasionally use your language. It would be beyond rude to deliberately use your language yo exclude your ILs, though.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/07/2018 01:41

YANBU about any of it. You have made the effort to learn their language, you use it when in MIL's presence, but you should be able to have private conversation with your DH! If that happens to be in a language she doesn't understand, what difference is that to you being in a separate room from her where she can't hear? None, so long as you're not blatantly rubbing it in her face.

If she's asking you to speak her language the entire time because she thinks you and your DH discussed not leaving the baby with her in English, I'd have to wonder if she had a glass to the door or something! She should not be privy to your private discussions, so the language you use to have them is irrelevant to her!

Re. your toddler, I get that he needs consistency - does he speak to his grandparents in their language though? So long as he does, then again, she has nothing to complain about really.

Honestly, the mentality here is weird sometimes - if they had visited you in your own home you can bet you'd still be called rude and she wouldn't, even if she'd made zero attempt to learn any English at all.

The only caveat is that you don't blatantly have conversations in English in front of your MIL, because that is rude.

I have a trilingual friend and when she and her brother are together their conversation is a hilarious mix of the 3 languages, as they pick whichever one presents the word at the front of their brain as they talk. Only if they're talking quietly to each other, of course (I usually only hear one side of a phone conversation, to be fair) - the rest of the time when in company they of course speak the majority language.

Namechangemum100 · 06/07/2018 02:07

If she only speaks English when she visits you then yabu, if she speaks her own language at all times then yanbu.

Your mil should appreciate that you have actually learnt her language and be a little more grateful! My pil speak another language that I can't speak, haven't learnt, and they don't mind at all, dh just translates for me and we all get along just fine.

MayContainBrain · 06/07/2018 02:14

I’m torn here.

If you having a private conversation between your and DH- then it’s upto you what language you both choose to speak in. None of your MILs business and tell her to stop being nosey.

However, when talking to her/extended family then I do agree it’s only polite to speak in a language that everyone understands.

And YABU for letting your 2 year old tell you what to do- I believe they call it making a rod for your own back.

RoboJesus · 06/07/2018 02:16

Unless it's for the kid, yeah I would speak in their language. You're at their house in their country so it's just the respectful thing to do. If you're struggling to say something I'm sure they'd be happy to help you

Fivelittleduckies · 06/07/2018 02:18

I’m surprised so many pp think yabu... you’ve learnt their language and speak it most of the time bar some minor exchanges with your DH and in speaking with your son.

I don’t think you have done anything wrong/disrespectful.

I think it’s a bit unreasonable for her to be upset at the small amount of English you are speaking — but for the purpose of having a nice stay there I would respect her wishes for the remainder of your visit

Amalfimamma · 06/07/2018 02:18

YANBU.

Yes you are a guest, yes you are in a strange country and he s you speak the language when in company or at dinner etc. I see nothing wrong with you speaking English while speaking with dc or dh.

If you want dc to be bilingual you need to speak to them in whichever language you normally use, and if it's normal for you to speak with dh in English while alone, please continue to do So,

And tell mil to swivel

Pluckedpencil · 06/07/2018 02:57

Wow can't believe all the people saying this is unreasonable. Clearly have never been in this situation. People, not sure if you've noticed, but it's actually quite tricky talking in different languages?! Like, you know, here may be discussions and concepts you don't have the vocabulary for, or you get tired having spoken it all day and just want to say something quickly. And the two year old wants to speak HIS OWN mother tongue. I don't think that's exactly being a spoilt brat??!!! It's like asking YOU to go to her mils and speak their language and just keep up.
I always speak to my mil in her language, at dinner we speak their language. But honestly a one to one conversation? If she is that desperate to understand she can do what you did and learn your language. Bloody hell.

Beansonapost · 06/07/2018 03:02

Ask MIL to learn English as a courtesy to you...

EnthusiasmWellAndTrulyCurbed · 06/07/2018 03:02

Chuckling at the number of MIL posts that go the other way.
You know, the ones where MIL refuses to speak the language of 'your' home and carries on speaking her own language? The hundreds of posts confirming how rude it is and how disrespectful to exclude the DIL etc etc etc.

MN at its finest Grin

And yeah, pretty poor form re: baby. You honestly sound like horrible house guests