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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect partner to break off all contact with any and all exs

311 replies

saywhatyouwant · 04/07/2018 15:07

My partner and I have been together for just shy of 3 years and recently bought our first home. Very much in love... most of the time.

My issue is before getting together with me he was a bit, no a lot, of a lad. I'd hate to know how many he racked up but I guess I'd still be a long way short. He didn't have many long term girlfriends, more passing acquaintances who he was friendly with, and because he's good looking and a charmer, he'd often end up bedding.

While I don't know who most of them are, I do know he's friends with many of them on social media. I strongly think he should not be connected to ANY woman before me, no matter how brief their relationship. Certainly not chatting to some of them, whichever I know he has on occasion. Not chatting to try to bed them, but just general catch ups.

I recently learnt he reconnected with a girl he was seeing long before me. She'd asked about some work opportunity she'd heard of and he shared some useful info, but to do so needed to invite her to a FB group. I know it seems minor, but I'm seething over it. Doesn't help that she's an ex-model either.

I trust him and don't think he's ever strayed. But why does he think it's okay to stay in contact, however innocently he claims it to be? I certainly don't trust these other women, as they've been eager enough in the past. Or am I beithe massively controlling and irrational?

OP posts:
Battleax · 05/07/2018 13:06

Your vaunted empathy is in the fritz thunder if you can’t understand why we don’t want to be “restrained” about controlling behaviour.

Go and stroke a rapist or something.

ThunderInMyHeart · 05/07/2018 13:07

rrrrrright.

Not wishing to de-rail the thread, I'll exit.

PurpleTigerLove · 05/07/2018 13:07

If he cheats it will have nothing to do with being friends with her on Facebook . Don’t worry about something you can not control .

Battleax · 05/07/2018 13:11

I really hope men who come here giving it the waterworks and “She MAKES me be controlling by speaking to male friends” nonsense, DONT get a similar kind of “There, there” treatment BTW. I’ve never seen it.

SoddingUnicorns · 05/07/2018 13:12

@Battleax I haven’t either. This thread is a depressing example of the blisteringly obvious double standards so often prevalent on MN.

I’ve never seen it quite so blatant, but still.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 05/07/2018 13:13

DH has a couple of his Exes on FB as friends. One came to our wedding and is Godmother to DS2 - she's as much a part of our family as our siblings and cousins. DS1's Dad and his DP spend Christmas and Birthdays with us. Life goes on.

Life is too short to spend it cutting off contact with people you obviously liked enough to once upon a time be in a relationship with. Unless a relationship ended terribly or with masses of hurt and lies, there's no reason to end all contact. None at all.

jumblefun2 · 05/07/2018 13:17

My ex is one of my very best friends. He's dying and I'm devastated. The thought that someone who is a partner of 3 years would make me break up with someone who has been in my life for over 25 staggers me. But then, I wouldn't have a relationship with someone who was that way inclined because it wouldn't work for me.

tinykirst · 05/07/2018 13:21

I'm finding it truly disgusting how many people are accusing the OP of abuse.
People throwing these accusations around are the reason why it's so difficult for women and men in actual domestic abuse situations to be heard and taken seriously.

All the OP has said is she doesn't like / want her partner to speak to the girls he's slept with.
Yes, she is insecure. No she is not 'abusive'. We don't know their relationship. He may have done/acted in ways for her to feel vulnerable and insecure.

Aside from all these posters that seem to have amazing relationships with their ex's I don't know anyone who does that doesn't have children with them and therefore have to have a good relationship.
My partner is more than welcome to be civil with his ex's but to be good friends with them would be a big no. And I know it would the other way around.

If you can still be so close to someone you shared a part of your life with you either never loved them or you still do. Why do you still need them in your life that much if you have broken up?

I just don't like how nasty everyone is being and making her out to be this 'abusive' person. When in reality she is properly just like most women! (That aren't on Mumsnet clearly....)

jumblefun2 · 05/07/2018 13:24

Me and my ex split up purely because he moved back to his home country to be around his children as they grew up, because he was missing them so much. He came back when they had grown up.

In the intervening years I have moved on, and so has he, but we are still really good close friends. We will never be romantically involved and wouldn't be now anyway.

SoyDora · 05/07/2018 13:25

If you can still be so close to someone you shared a part of your life with you either never loved them or you still do

Hmm

Or you loved them once, but grew apart as a couple but now see them as a friend.

JacquesHammer · 05/07/2018 13:26

If you can still be so close to someone you shared a part of your life with you either never loved them or you still do. Why do you still need them in your life that much if you have broken up?

Because my relationships aren’t classified by genitals Hmm

I may not want to sleep with someone anymore, that doesn’t mean I don’t value their company.

Yes I love some of my exes. No I’m not in love with them and want any sort of relationship other than that of friends.

Having rules surrounding who your partners can or cannot be friends with is controlling, however much you want to try and pretend it isn’t.

SoddingUnicorns · 05/07/2018 13:33

I find it fairly disgusting that you compare OPs behaviour to being like most women.

No, it’s not.

And as for your silly little dig about abuse, I was in an abusive relationship and control was part of it, so don’t bloody patronise me just because you see nothing wrong with controlling behaviour.

Women like the OP fly under the radar because there are so many people prepared to defend indefensible behaviour because they’re female. So who’s making abuse harder to escape hmm? The ones calling it out, or the ones defending it?

AsleepAllDay · 05/07/2018 13:36

You really can't control what men do! I am in touch with exes and know that people I date also are & you can't really do anything about it. As long as they're not joined at the hip best friends you need to work on why you feel so insecure

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 05/07/2018 13:46

Both DP and I have both been pretty promiscuous in the past. We used to drink in the same local pub too. It Is known he has had ONS with a couple of my friends and I his. Do I never see my friends again, or not let him talk to them? Or I his?
It will never work!
These people were short flings, I know I give him so much more than any of my friends ever did. They don't sit around reminiscing, I doubt he sits there imagining their wild night together.
If DP asked me not to speak to my exes I would be waving bye bye!
Not because they are more important but because him asking is way too controlling!

Op, I warn you honestly, if you are asking him to ignore, delete his past you will not survive and you will lose him, maybe not straight away, but you will!

Battleax · 05/07/2018 14:08

I'm finding it truly disgusting how many people are accusing the OP of abuse.
People throwing these accusations around are the reason why it's so difficult for women and men in actual domestic abuse situations to be heard and taken seriously.

Don’t be silly.

Almost all abuse starts like this; with controlling behaviour and manipulation. It’s very very rare that the first manifestation is violence. And coercive control is just as abusive, although not as severe, as battery.

That’s why coercive control was made a criminal offence; to recognise it as the abuse that it is and aid early intervention. Because I’m a thinking DV survivor, I know what absolutely good sense that is.

As for OP she needs a shock and plain speaking to hopefully bring her up short before her controlling personality crosses the line into active abuse.

Earthwindnfiya · 05/07/2018 14:21

If you can still be so close to someone you shared a part of your life with you either never loved them or you still do. Why do you still need them in your life that much if you have broken up?

I was very much in love with my ex, for a very long time, but the romantic love faded and we became more like friends than partners. You could say I love him, but the love I have for him is similar to the love I have for my brother or another male relative. We've been good friends for close to 5 years now and there is no romantic feelings involved at all. Jumping into bed with him is the last thing to ever cross my mind, it would just feel wrong as would sleeping with any of my close friends. I like having him in my life, because we have mutual interests and I enjoy his company. In the same way I enjoy the company of most of my other male and female friends. I'm not going to rid them from my life just because I don't want to date them that's ridiculous. He's currently in another relationship and has been for a few years now and I'm very happy that he's found someone and that he's happy, in fact I've even met her on a number of occasions and shes beyond lovely, I think we even double dated a few times. Good friends are very hard to find. Romantic partners often come and go.

Amazonfromkent · 11/07/2018 18:11

I'm with OP. Stop giving her shit, just because you all are too possessive of your exes and still won't let go after 55587 years doesn't mean we all have to.

Original poster
saywhatyouwant · 13/10/2018 13:06

I've quietly revisited this thread from time to time for guidance and silent feedback in some of my more insecure moments. I think it has helped me get better, gradually. I do like to think I trust him more now, though still can't help ask 'who with?' a little too quickly if he says he's going for an after drink.

I know I'm too firey. Just this morning I (admittedly) caused a massive row which has escalated to the point where he's turned around said he's genuinely had thoughts about ending our relationship. The issue? He's going on a work trip next week to LA - which I'm tagging along to and he's extending for a few days. He said wanted to take a loaf of Hovis Best of Both for an English colleague who lives out there permanently, after he'd asked on a call if there was anything from home the guy wanted.

I know how ridiculous that is and I hate being like that.

OP posts:
TacoLover · 13/10/2018 13:12

If you are being like that, then change it. If you keep acting like it's 'how you are' as if it's something you have no power over, eventually your boyfriend won't want to put up with your dramatics anymore and dump you.

Pleasehelpme433 · 13/10/2018 13:17

No I wouldn't like my DH having contact with exes, but he has no interest in maintaining any contact anyway do it is not an issue for us

bubbles108 · 13/10/2018 13:23

you think it's okay for him to engage in conversations with somebody he has slept with previously? I seriously feel he should just ignore anybody who gets in touch but he thinks it would be rude - especially as they never fell out in the first place, it just didn't work out longer term.

Yes

bubbles108 · 13/10/2018 13:25

He said wanted to take a loaf of Hovis Best of Both for an English colleague who lives out there permanently, after he'd asked on a call if there was anything from home the guy wanted.

And this annoyed you?

You need psychological help

Imo there is something wrong with your mind

longwayoff · 13/10/2018 13:27

You'd better start packing. He may put up with this kind of behaviour initially but not forever. You need to change, soon.

Toughtips · 13/10/2018 13:28

Yeah this relationship of yours aint gonna last.

You're jealously will turn you into a bitter resentful mess and that isn't attractive to anyone.

I always go by the "worry when given something to worrh about" method.

But you seem to enioy making up fake scenarios instead.

Weird

Lougle · 13/10/2018 13:28

Why did it bother you that he wants to take a loaf of Best of Both to a colleague in LA??

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