Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect partner to break off all contact with any and all exs

311 replies

saywhatyouwant · 04/07/2018 15:07

My partner and I have been together for just shy of 3 years and recently bought our first home. Very much in love... most of the time.

My issue is before getting together with me he was a bit, no a lot, of a lad. I'd hate to know how many he racked up but I guess I'd still be a long way short. He didn't have many long term girlfriends, more passing acquaintances who he was friendly with, and because he's good looking and a charmer, he'd often end up bedding.

While I don't know who most of them are, I do know he's friends with many of them on social media. I strongly think he should not be connected to ANY woman before me, no matter how brief their relationship. Certainly not chatting to some of them, whichever I know he has on occasion. Not chatting to try to bed them, but just general catch ups.

I recently learnt he reconnected with a girl he was seeing long before me. She'd asked about some work opportunity she'd heard of and he shared some useful info, but to do so needed to invite her to a FB group. I know it seems minor, but I'm seething over it. Doesn't help that she's an ex-model either.

I trust him and don't think he's ever strayed. But why does he think it's okay to stay in contact, however innocently he claims it to be? I certainly don't trust these other women, as they've been eager enough in the past. Or am I beithe massively controlling and irrational?

OP posts:
OutPinked · 13/10/2018 14:15

This is very controlling. I have to have contact with my ex husband, we have children! My DP also has minor contact with him every week as a result. Many partners have to deal with this and don’t feel insecure about it. You’re feeling insecure about girls he didn’t even want a relationship with being on his social media ffs.

They were casual affairs, hardly long term serious exes. He has a past like everyone, I’m sure you do too. I don’t think everyone should go raking through their friends list to remove anyone they’ve had sex with just because they’re in a new relationship. How bizarre.

Everyoneiswingingit · 13/10/2018 14:24

YABU, this won't last OP.

LividAtDolphins · 13/10/2018 14:24

So this other guy lives in LA and the food he misses most from England is Hovis 50/50? WTF???

OftenHangry · 13/10/2018 14:25

This can't be realHmm

All of you saying it's ok are saying it because you probably missed the update that OP doesn't want him to go to hotel room with other woman... And bunch of colleagues when they went for and after party... And similar.
Basically OP doesn't want him to be around women. That's how it sounds.

Still think that's ok?

nakedscientist · 13/10/2018 14:27

This thread is 3 months old, just saying.

ButchyRestingFace · 13/10/2018 14:28

I know I'm too firey. Just this morning I (admittedly) caused a massive row which has escalated to the point where he's turned around said he's genuinely had thoughts about ending our relationship. The issue? He's going on a work trip next week to LA - which I'm tagging along to and he's extending for a few days. He said wanted to take a loaf of Hovis Best of Both for an English colleague who lives out there permanently, after he'd asked on a call if there was anything from home the guy wanted

He’s right. He should leave - and quickly.

Holdingonbarely · 13/10/2018 14:28

@nakedscientist
Op updated today, if you’re going to be smug rtft HmmConfused

Lizzie48 · 13/10/2018 14:29

But the OP herself has started it up again, @nakedscientist that's why posters are responding. Confused

lara09 · 13/10/2018 14:32

I think your right me and my boyfriend deleted everyone from our past off all social media at the beginning of our relationship, I don't need to see everyone's face pop up who I've slept with and neither does he. Your not controlling at all!

lornar123 · 13/10/2018 14:33

I think you have had a hard time on here OP. The loaf of bread thing is a bit much, but given a lot of these exes were in your words very keen on him, I would be hesitant about investing too much in the relationship. However you should have run for it 3 years ago.

Not everyone is cool with their partners popping off to meet their ex lovers whenever they feel like it, and the scenario you described is often described as inconsiderate on here. All that matters is how you feel about it.

Holdingonbarely · 13/10/2018 14:36

I give up. I would love to start a thread exactly the same but as a man and see what the responses would be.
Not sure it would be all “oh hun, it’s not your fault”

spacefighter · 13/10/2018 14:44

After the trip I think he will be saying bye bye to you, well I would!

lornar123 · 13/10/2018 14:49

The only thing that matters OP is how you feel about it, in amongst all the utter shite that gets posted.on here about everyone being cool with their husbands meeting up with their exes, there is the advice that you should listen to your instinct. A partner who regularly messages and goes out with previous lovers who were it are dead keen in him is not a good partner. You are being gaslights here by people telling you they would all be cool with it.

HelloSnow · 13/10/2018 14:52

If he wants to pack fewer pants so he can take a loaf a bread then I think that's his decision. It's such a daft argument.

I think his colleague is BU though, whats so special about 50/50 bread?

Holdingonbarely · 13/10/2018 14:52

@lornar123
She never said he met them. He friends with them on social media.

What are your views on the bread and the fallout?
Interested to know.

Celebelly · 13/10/2018 14:55

I don't understand. He wants to take a loaf of bread on a trip to the USA and you are angry about this? Am I missing something? Is he going to lie naked and cover himself provocatively in the slices when he gets there?

This whole thread is weird.

lornar123 · 13/10/2018 15:02

Already said the loaf of bread thing seems on the face of it silly, but his guy is fucking up her mental health. Its not healthy and a good partner would not regularly chat to "many" of his exes. You don't have to be cool with it, a decent man would not make you feel insecure. I would expect that most people in a relationship would raise an eyebrow when they found out their partners regularly messaged their exes.

FlowThroughIt · 13/10/2018 15:02

"All in all, I continually feel like I'm in a battle for him with other women and, despite not straying when we've officially together, he stays in touch for an ego boost and to ensure he could resurrect things if it went tits up with me."

That to me is a big problem, if he's doing it for his ego and to keep options open if things go wrong between you two then I can completely understand why you have a problem with him still talking to them. On some level he does still view them as a possibility and that's wrong.

FlowThroughIt · 13/10/2018 15:04

I don't think the bread thing is that odd tbh. I'd love someone to bring me a loaf of Mrs. Baird's bread from the US. 😍

ButtMuncher · 13/10/2018 15:05

The fear over the exes is one thing. The causing a row (otherwise known as sabotaging) because of a loaf of bread is utterly another. OP, I mean this sincerely, but there sounds like there are a few things you really need to seek help with. It sounds as if you don't feel good enough for this man and purposefully sabotage things to try to get him to prove his worth and commitment to you? If so, that's not love - that is controlling.

lornar123 · 13/10/2018 15:05

@Holdingonbarely

And why would it matter if he met up with them ? Assuming she would even know about it, I thought she should trust him and is being ridiculous ?

LividAtDolphins · 13/10/2018 15:11

Not sure it would be all “oh hun, it’s not your fault”

Which this one hasn't been either. So I don't really see your point.

Graphista · 13/10/2018 15:12

"but given a lot of these exes were in your words very keen on him" but given everything else op has said and her reactions I'm not sure we can even rely on this being accurate! Similarly op's claims about him chatting to exs a lot etc. I suspect the reality is quite different but as op is so insecure she's hypervigilant.

Reading between the lines it sounds more like op's bf had the occasional ons with people within his friendship group. Having slept with them once or a brief fling, both parties moved on, there's really no reason they can't remain friends.

Several ex's of mine and I myself are still friends with people we've had ons/flings with and subsequent partners haven't had NOR needed to have an issue with this. Because adults are able to control themselves sexually!

Op admits bf has given her NO reason to even THINK he'd cheat - it's all her own insecurities.

Holdingon- most of us are saying it IS op's issue and she's the one needs to get therapy to sort it. Or at least attempt to.

Overyou · 13/10/2018 15:12

When you say he has extended the holiday, do you mean just for him?

steff13 · 13/10/2018 15:14

How large is this loaf of bread that it's worth arguing over the amount of space it takes up in a suitcase?

Swipe left for the next trending thread