To expect partner to break off all contact with any and all exs

[saywhatyouwant]

My partner and I have been together for just shy of 3 years and recently bought our first home. Very much in love... most of the time.

My issue is before getting together with me he was a bit, no a lot, of a lad. I'd hate to know how many he racked up but I guess I'd still be a long way short. He didn't have many long term girlfriends, more passing acquaintances who he was friendly with, and because he's good looking and a charmer, he'd often end up bedding.

While I don't know who most of them are, I do know he's friends with many of them on social media. I strongly think he should not be connected to ANY woman before me, no matter how brief their relationship. Certainly not chatting to some of them, whichever I know he has on occasion. Not chatting to try to bed them, but just general catch ups.

I recently learnt he reconnected with a girl he was seeing long before me. She'd asked about some work opportunity she'd heard of and he shared some useful info, but to do so needed to invite her to a FB group. I know it seems minor, but I'm seething over it. Doesn't help that she's an ex-model either.

I trust him and don't think he's ever strayed. But why does he think it's okay to stay in contact, however innocently he claims it to be? I certainly don't trust these other women, as they've been eager enough in the past. Or am I beithe massively controlling and irrational?

I'n still vaguely in touch with XH, I even went to his DM's (my XMIL's) wake with DH in tow! DH didn't mind at all as he understands I had a life before him and it's ridiculous to be jealous of that, plus he trusts me implicitly. He and XH got on pretty well, actually!

YBVVVVVVU

Wow OP so much for slut shaming other women "
I certainly don't trust these other women, as they've been eager enough in the past".

When in fact the problem lies with you, you obviously have no trust in this relationship and come across as very insecure in your looks. As my darling mother would say it you have a problem fix it, otherwise do not go around whining about it.

And stop blaming his exes for his behaviour and remember you were them once upon a time too.

With respect - you sound incredibly young and quite childish. Your relationship won’t last for much longer if you continue with these thoughts. You’re insecure and that’s never going to leave you - you don’t trust him and that is the basis of every relationship. Eventually you will push him away and you will (unfortunately) only have yourself to blame. OP I would try and sort yourself out first before anything else, you need to love yourself more, you shouldn’t be worried about girl x y z, simply becasue you should know you are the one he wants. Good luck.

I think you’d really benefit from talking therapy to help you unpick your insecurity, and build your confidence.

It’s normal to be in contact with ex partners; you get together because you have things in common, you split up because the sexual/romantic component of what you have in common doesn’t work out. Doesn’t mean everything else disappears and often you’re left with a good friendship. My exes have a decent friendship with both me and my husband, and the one I was with longest is a close friend, as is his wife: we went to each others’ weddings and his wife was one of the people I’d message in a panic when struggling to get my head round early motherhood as they had a baby before us.

Adults do not belong to other adults; you have mutually agreed boundaries and each regulate your own behaviour.

You sound very very insecure OP. I am practically best friends with one of my exs, who happens to also be in another relationship. In fact we regularly go out drinking together and NOTHING ever happens. There is a reason why we're now just friends and not still in a relationship. If a partner ever tried to tell me that I couldn't be friends with him they would not be my partner for much longer FYI

Ex partner used to do this all the time. He had a need to maintain contact with any woman he'd shagged. You can't change people like that so I left him to it. It was like having 5 other people in relationship and I just got bored of it all. Of course if shoe was on the other foot and you as a woman actively stayed in touch with exes it would be a huge issue

My dh's ex is our daughter:s godmother... My dh's has never minded me staying in contact with my my exes. Nothing sexual has ever happened - they are exes for a reason...

I'm friends with a few of DPs ex girlfriends. We even went to one ex's wedding.

No need for jealousy and controlling behaviour, if you trust him.

How this relationship has lasted three years is beyond me. If I were the boyfriend I'd have been long gone. OP, he must love you an awful lot to put up with this shit.

I agree with, @Bluelady OP, you should think about that. He clearly really does love you and he's proved himself to be committed to you. He used to be a player, but he isn't now. You're the one he fell in love with.

But he will get sick of it eventually, and then he'll walk.

I really hate the way everyone is calling you batshit and other horrible names when you're looking for some support

Same here.

You've cause to feel how you do. This fool sounds as if he defines himself via ego stroking from other women. They need a little phone or FB Harem going. The validation is important. So naff.

Women who describe you as insecure, controlling, all that blah, are likely the ones wanting the reverse ego stroke of wanting to be the ghost in their ex man's relationship - the one privy to all the current relationship secrets etc it's one upmanship really hence the crowing and name-calling.

I'm friends with some exes in that we say hi and have a good old chat if we bump into each other. But I can't imagine needing to have phone chats and regular contact etc, what for?

All these women making it sound as if they're their ex man's be all and end all friend - I bet they don't describe you in the same way. & if they're so brilliant and all that, why aren't you with them then?

I don't know why on earth you're staying with him tho OP. Why don't you just leave? He's not the only man in the world. Notwithstanding that he will probably leave you anyway, there are more peaceful relationships you can be in you know. Life's too short for mess around people.

Do yourself a favour and just move on.

@MistressDeeCee Jesus Christ you hate women don’t you? Harem? Ego stroking?

Fuck right off with that shite. If a man was posting saying he wanted to control who his partner spoke to he’d have rightly had his arse handed to him, just as OP has.

The language you use and the insinuations you make about women (I’m assuming you’re a woman) are fucking depressing. And frankly make you sound a bit bitter.

Nah Unicorns, I don't. I suppose if I did tho I'd call them batshit, crazy..etc you know, all the lovely endearing terms.

'Bitter' is another usual one isn't it..?

Sorry if I got a bit too close to home for you.

Have a lovely day🙂

But I can't imagine needing to have phone chats and regular contact etc, what for?

It’s not about need, it’s a want. Shared interests etc.

if they're so brilliant and all that, why aren't you with them then

I think lots of my friends are brilliant, doesn’t mean I want to be with them. Feelings change, that doesn’t have to be a huge falling out.

Women who describe you as insecure, controlling, all that blah, are likely the ones wanting the reverse ego stroke of wanting to be the ghost in their ex man's relationship - the one privy to all the current relationship secrets etc it's one upmanship really hence the crowing and name-calling

God not at all. I’m glad my ex-H has met someone way better suited to him that makes him happy.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

This is a nasty thread. I can't believe the posters calling OP an 'arsehole' and worse.

Get some fucking empathy. I doubt you'd name-call at the OP if she were sat opposite you...and, if you did, you should be ashamed. Have compassion.

I doubt you'd name-call at the OP if she were sat opposite you...and, if you did, you should be ashamed. Have compassion

I’d still be telling her exactly the same. She was being irrational and controlling. It’s possible to disagree without name calling as a number of posters have done.

@ThunderInMyHeart The OP has received the exact same language that men who have posted the exact same issue in Relationships many times previously but relating their female partner having exes as friends or acquaintances and wanting to issue an ultimatum.

And quite bloody right too. I see absolutely no reason why there should be any difference in approach or response.

Actually, the OP has probably gotten off slightly lightly compared to some threads I've seen on the same vein as I haven't seen her be called a controlling cunt yet, unless I missed it.

@MistressDeeCee actually the reason I called OP batshit is I lived with being controlled and abused for years and realise how fucking damaging it is.

But don’t let that stop you from your horrid little tirade about predatory women stealing poor innocent men from women like OP. I mean, you’re on a roll making shit up, why stop now?

Apart from the fact you’re talking unmitigated shite and actually encouraging someone to control their partner, which btw, is now a criminal offence.

But you carry on....

She was being irrational and controlling. It’s possible to disagree without name calling as a number of posters have done

Completely agree. I think adjectives like that are fine, and it is possible to critique someone without calling them names.

The OP has received the exact same language that men who have posted the exact same issue in Relationships many times previously but relating their female partner having exes as friends or acquaintances and wanting to issue an ultimatum

That doesn't make it ok! I don't think I'd call a man in this situation names. I just don't see why posters think it's ok to use vile names. It's just abusive...which is exactly what many posters are accusing the OP of being.

Get some fucking empathy. I doubt you'd name-call at the OP if she were sat opposite you...and, if you did, you should be ashamed. Have compassion.

ODFOD, you do your little “let’s hug a domestic abuser” schtick if you like, but don’t try to browbeat other women into joining you. Some of us know more about controlling abusers than we’d like. Empathy doesn’t work on them. They’re damaging people.

And sodding is right; coercive control is now a criminal offence, thank fuck.

ODFOD, you do your little “let’s hug a domestic abuser” schtick if you like, but don’t try to browbeat other women into joining you. Some of us know more about controlling abusers than we’d like. Empathy doesn’t work on them. They’re damaging people

This! And I suspect the snotty posters defending them recognise their own behaviour and are defending it furiously, because actually admitting that you’re an abuser is something that is apparently too hard to cope with.

I'm literally just saying 'can we not name-call?'...are you not capable of restraining yourself?

Yeah, I know coercive behaviour is now a criminal offence. I was glad to read about it in 2013 when I left my abusive husband. So, please don't tell me those "defending the OP" are only doing so because they're abusive and recognise the traits.

Interesting that you’re happy to make veiled insults while piously insisting name calling isn’t on.

I see you, thinking you’re superior while trying to take the moral high ground. You’re the kind of person who never name calls but insults in other ways thinking you’re terribly clever.

I see you.