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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect partner to break off all contact with any and all exs

311 replies

saywhatyouwant · 04/07/2018 15:07

My partner and I have been together for just shy of 3 years and recently bought our first home. Very much in love... most of the time.

My issue is before getting together with me he was a bit, no a lot, of a lad. I'd hate to know how many he racked up but I guess I'd still be a long way short. He didn't have many long term girlfriends, more passing acquaintances who he was friendly with, and because he's good looking and a charmer, he'd often end up bedding.

While I don't know who most of them are, I do know he's friends with many of them on social media. I strongly think he should not be connected to ANY woman before me, no matter how brief their relationship. Certainly not chatting to some of them, whichever I know he has on occasion. Not chatting to try to bed them, but just general catch ups.

I recently learnt he reconnected with a girl he was seeing long before me. She'd asked about some work opportunity she'd heard of and he shared some useful info, but to do so needed to invite her to a FB group. I know it seems minor, but I'm seething over it. Doesn't help that she's an ex-model either.

I trust him and don't think he's ever strayed. But why does he think it's okay to stay in contact, however innocently he claims it to be? I certainly don't trust these other women, as they've been eager enough in the past. Or am I beithe massively controlling and irrational?

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 13/10/2018 13:33

You've got problems love.

He wants to take a loaf of bread out for someone who I presume is a bloke and you have kicked off?

Wetdressinggownsleeve · 13/10/2018 13:36

I think you need some therapy. You are jealous of a loaf of bread ffs.

Holdingonbarely · 13/10/2018 13:36

Wow you’re something else. I’m not surprised he’s said was he has.
He makes a kind gesture to a colleague (male, but that shouldn’t be relevant) and you start a huge row!
If he was posting I would tell him to run for the fucking hills.
If you want to change go and see a good psychiatrist NOW.

HelloSnow · 13/10/2018 13:38

Why has the loaf of bread annoyed you? I don't get it Confused

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 13/10/2018 13:40

Unless Hovis Best of Both is code for some sort of kink then you need to seriously book some sort of counciling.

MissConductUS · 13/10/2018 13:40

You are never going to let this go, so accept that it will in time kill this relationship or tell him that you are not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship with him. Then he can move on a find a girlfriend who doesn't need to control who he speaks with.

Original poster
saywhatyouwant · 13/10/2018 13:40

Why did it bother you that he wants to take a loaf of Best of Both to a colleague in LA??

Because it would take up too much room in the case. I'm well aware of how silly that is.

OP posts:
sparklefarts · 13/10/2018 13:43

'you think it's okay for him to engage in conversations with somebody he has slept with previously'

Yes, yes I do. Get some help.

ILoveHumanity · 13/10/2018 13:45

Op. I empathize. I would feel the same as you.

I don’t know what’s the right thing to do, I think I would’ve behaved the same but reading what most logical people here are saying I’m getting enlightened. Hope you feel better about it soon.

Please don’t feel bad that you feel this way. I think it’s normal to feel this way.

Holdingonbarely · 13/10/2018 13:45

Surely he can put what he wants in his case! Or is he not allowed to pack without supervision.
You’re controlling. Either you admit this or you don’t. Either you want to work out why and change or you don’t. It’s highly likely you’ve damaged this relationship beyond repair

Holdingonbarely · 13/10/2018 13:46

It’s not normal op. Most “normal” people do not need to control others to the point of meltdown about how much space a loaf of bread takes up.

needsahouseboy · 13/10/2018 13:48

Wow! You are bloody hard work. I have no idea why he is even with you. He’s letting you come along on a work trip and extended it to spend more time with you in a nice place and you’ve caused a row over a loaf of bread!
It’s his bloody suitcase and it’s up to him what he takes, not you!
You really are an abusive, controlling woman. I really hope he leaves you for his own well-being

brighteyeowl17 · 13/10/2018 13:49

A lot of people jumping on poster saying she is is unreasonable. But surely have to ask why he needs to be in contact with random hook ups, if not for ego reasons. Unless they then suddenly became really good mates there isn’t really a good reason!

Redglitter · 13/10/2018 13:51

*I trust him and don't think he's ever strayed

I certainly don't trust these other women, as they've been eager enough in the past*

But of a contradiction then They may have been 'eager enough' in the past but presumably they were both single.

Is your partner so irresistible you really think these women are really chatting to him in the hope hell have sex with them

If you trust him there's no.problem

gamerchick · 13/10/2018 13:51

He's going to dump you OP. The fact he's told you he's thinking about it could mean he's been thinking about it for a while.

He's had enough, please get some help for your jealousy and unreasonable behaviour before entering another relationship.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 13/10/2018 13:52

You’re daft, OP, and you’ll end up losing this guy. If someone behaves to me like you are behaving towards him over the exes, you’d have been history long ago. Really, get some help with this. You know it’s not on.

Merryoldgoat · 13/10/2018 13:57

You sound honestly unbearable.

If you were posting about a man behaving this way TOWARDS you everyone would be telling you to LTB.

It honestly sounds like you need some help but I honestly am not sure it will really help. It’s very hard to resist our natural urges and for whatever reason you are irrationally jealous and controlling.

If my son were with someone like you I’d be asking him to rethink the relationship.

PillowOfSociety · 13/10/2018 14:02

OP, have you actually sought counselling? By yourself or couples counselling?

Apart from anything else you are making yourself unhappy with this level of insecurity / control.

Would you say you and your DP have the same values? I am interested in the way you characterise his single life as ‘promiscuous’, and use words like ‘bedding ‘. Do you have different values around sex and relationships and other areas of life? Are you religious?

Holdingonbarely · 13/10/2018 14:05

I don’t think the ops dp needs to go to any counselling, especially with her. This is all her own shit to deal with.

SparkleBanana · 13/10/2018 14:06

I can’t believe he’s asked you go with him, extended it to spend time with you and you’ve kicked up a fuss about something he’s planning to put in his luggage. It’ll take up about the same space a clothing item or a couple of toiletries that he can get when he’s there, were you hoping to use his space? He sounds like a nice guy offering to get his friend something he misses and you’ve started an argument about it.

I’d be surprised if you’re not single before the end of the trip.

I’ve not rtft but you seem to place to much importance on looks. You should have got help after your OP and responses rather than let it keep going and risk your relationship.

And yes my boyfriend talks to his one ex, they have a kid together so he doesn’t have much choice. They hate each other.

SoVeryOuting · 13/10/2018 14:08

You say that you trust him, but you don't really, do you?

Graphista · 13/10/2018 14:11

Wow! You are ridiculously possessive and controlling.

His telling you he's considering ending the relationship is a warning. I too think he's already been thinking this for a good while and he's at the end of his tether with you.

Whether or not THIS relationship lasts (and frankly if I were him I'd be ending it, and if he posted I'd advise him to end it) you need therapy. This is nowhere near a healthy way to feel or behave in a relationship.

I think it's likely the reason previous relationships of yours ended too?

Seriously get in touch with a therapist ASAP.

Causing an argument over his taking a loaf of bread to a male (and I think from your posts he's hetero?) is absolutely unacceptable behaviour.

RomanyRoots · 13/10/2018 14:13

OP, I'm going against the grain as I was your dp.
My dh was fine about everything, but no way would I keep in touch with one night stands, ffs, there's newt in common except for once rolling around the sheets together.
I don't remember half their names and neither will your dp.

I think you need to move on and find somebody who perhaps didn't keep in touch with any ons's.
You don't trust him, and maybe you have good reason.

ilovesooty · 13/10/2018 14:14

The loaf of bread thing is fucking bizarre.

Lizzie48 · 13/10/2018 14:15

Sorry, I'm just wondering why on Earth anyone would take a loaf of Hovis 50/50 to the US as a present for a colleague? Would he even be allowed to take it into the country? We went as a family to Canada in the summer and we were grilled about whether we were bringing food into the country.

It just seems like a very bizarre gift to me. Grin

Joking aside, on a serious note, though, OP, you will drive him away if you keep kicking off when you really have no reason to be jealous.

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