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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu? Nephew being allowed to wake me up

200 replies

MeanAunty · 04/07/2018 10:51

I have a 4 year old nephew who keeps waking me. It's not accidental, but his mum (my sister) doesn't stop him:
It's happened 3 times in the last 7 days including this morning. The first time he was banging at my bedroom door for what must've been 25 minutes (as that was the length of time he'd been upstairs without supervision) screaming my name until I gave in and got up.
All because he "wanted to say good morning" (read as, I wanted you to play with me but you were asleep). This was at 7am. I work late shifts (I didn't even get home till 2;30am) My sister was aware he was awake and upstairs alone but was enjoying her morning coffee in peace.
This morning he was banging on my door for five minutes. I text my sister saying please get Y downstairs he's banging on my door again. She calls him down. Not 2 mins later he's at it again. I give up and get up. Now I'm awake.
Aibu to think you don't allow your child to do this? He does it to my mum too (we all live at her house, I'm moving out next week but my sister is staying until after Xmas, we both have our own circumstances).
I'm not sure if I'm being cruel as he's only four but surely she should supervise him it's akin to him banging on my door at 3am because by 7-8ish (his favourite time to do this) I've only been asleep for a couple hours as I work nights... my mum thinks it's out of order but my sister says "well he's only four".
Am I being the meanest aunt ever or am I justified in feeling really annoyed?

OP posts:
Juells · 04/07/2018 12:38

He's been told, though. Four is old enough to understand, if they've been told not to do something.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 04/07/2018 12:38

Completely agree with what has been suggested so far about going in when you get home and waking your sister to say goodnight. It will be the only way she'll 'get' what your saying.
I think the suggestion about getting a stair gate that you can use at the top of the stairs is a good one but only if your sister closes it when she is going downstairs with your DN before she has her cup of coffee in peace.
I do think you'll have to say something to her before you leave though.

Lweji · 04/07/2018 12:47

I disagree that you should do it for your mom's sake. She's a grown up and it's her house. I'm sure she can stand up for herself. Plus, I doubt she's working shifts until 2 am.
Sorry, if I missed it, but does your mother even mind him knocking on her door?

Coyoacan · 04/07/2018 12:55

I do think it is sweet though that he wants to see you so much, but I am gobsmacked at how some people infantalise their children and totally underestimate their ability to understand.

afishnotabird · 04/07/2018 12:58

I have a friend who has only ever worked 9-5 type jobs and has zero understanding that people work shifts. If I haven't responded to texts by 10am, I start getting digs about being 'lazy' and spending all day in bed, even if I'd been working night shift.

I bet she would send in her kids if I were staying with her. Is your sister one of those?

FinallyHere · 04/07/2018 13:08

Could you find any ear-plus which are comfortable enough to wear while you are sleeping? If yo7 can comfortable ignore, he will stop trying to wake you. Simples.

While I appreciate that it would be good thing for your mother, to help parent your DN, I'me not sure I would be bothered trying, if he is learning such dreadful behaviour from his mother.

SleightOfMind · 04/07/2018 13:12

Your DSis is being lazy and U.

My sis lets her little boy run in and wake everyone up when they come to stay. Not too much of a prob for us as we have similar aged DC so one of us will be up anyway.

He did once run in and jump on teen DS at 6am, naked.
He’s never done it again but I don’t think DS will ever quite recover Grin

Slightlyjaded · 04/07/2018 13:13

Your sister is being lazy and selfish.

Would she let him do that to someone who wasn't family? Ask her.

And if she doesn't teach him manners now, he WILL do similar to people she wants to impress in the future. Please point this out to her.

Goodasgoldilox · 04/07/2018 13:14
  1. You might drop in on your sis on your way to bed at 2 30am - just to remind her that you don't want to be woken at 7am.
  1. Earplugs work really well. (There are wax ones that exclude all noise!) You can put them in when he starts banging and leave him to it. 4 year olds do get bored - even of banging on a door.
Pheasantplucker2 · 04/07/2018 13:15

I would also go down the carrot and stick route.

"DN, see this grumpy face/red card/Fuck off sign on my door? If it's on, you are NOT to knock on my door. If you do, I will be grumpy and shout as I need 8 hours of sleep and go to bed MUCH later than you so I need to stay asleep. Otherwise I turn into a bear and GROOOWWWLL. (with actions if poss!) When this happy face/green card/come in dear sign is on my door, that means I'm up and happy to play. Let's practise" Make it into a game, he'll love it.

"Now, if you manage NOT to wake me up you get a smiley face sticker, and when you have (however many days you have left) stickers, then we will go to the shop together and I will buy you x. (small gift, sweets, whatever will work).

If you do wake me up I will turn into the bear with the sore head and GRROOWLL at you all day as I will be tired and grumpy. I won't have any energy to play. Do you want that? If you wait until the right sticker is on the door I will play with you. I don't believe you can do it - what do you think?"

He will respond - they all do. Combination of threats and bribery. Follow up your threat - if he wakes you every time he speaks to you GROWWL at him and look grumpy. Say "DN this is because you made me into the bear with the sore head. I'm grumpy because I'm tired. Do you like it?"

When he doesn't wake you up do massive over the top praise "I slept so well, I'm so happy. I'd love to play that boring game with you a million times. You're so clever and you've made me so happy. Well done!!!! Let's put your sticker up".

Worth a try!

UpstartCrow · 04/07/2018 13:22

Put a hanger on your bedroom door handle, and turn it to show a red side or a red cross when he isn't allowed to knock.

WickedGirl · 04/07/2018 13:23

When you move out, will he just wake your mum up every morning instead?

My youngest is 4........that is old enough to know that it isn’t nice to wake up adults that have their door closed

My 4 year old knows that a closed door means a gentle knock might be ok but if she gets no response, she is to leave the person alone. Even 4 year olds understand privacy

Hygge · 04/07/2018 13:29

Your sister sounds fairly shit as a parent.

"He's only four" is basically code for "I can't be bothered to teach him no or supervise him" and no matter how old he gets he will always be too young for her to take some responsibility for not watching him.

Melamin · 04/07/2018 13:32

Get a bit clock put it on the landing and explain to him about big hands and small hands and where they should be before you can be woken. If necessary, put stickers where the hands should be.

My ILs did this with DC and they used to gather on the top of the stairs like starlings waiting for them at 7am.

You will be teaching him valuable life skills Wink

You used to be able to get an alarm clock with a rabbit on, and instead of an alarm, the ears went up so the DC could tell that it was ok to get up.

Melamin · 04/07/2018 13:32

BIG clock, not bit.

QueenUnicorn · 04/07/2018 13:38

My 3 year old would be able to stop themselves from doing this. 4 isn't too young to be given an explanation as why not to do this and to reasonably expect them not to do it at least 95% of the time.

RiotAndAlarum · 04/07/2018 13:39

You have to start teaching them these boundaries before 4yo, otherwise it won't work.

A bit like the way in which allowing a child to be cheeky hahaha so cute... , and then trying to crack down on rudeness in a not-so-cute teenager, is just dumb and ineffective parenting.

Katedotness1963 · 04/07/2018 13:40

Your sister either can't be arsed or doesn't see why she should be the only one up with him. I'd wake her when I got home at two in the morning to see how she likes it. She's just selfish.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 04/07/2018 13:48

Just don’t answer the door. Even if you have to wait 2 hours for it to stop.

Clutterbugsmum · 04/07/2018 13:52

Your sister sounds like a parent at my DC school.

When they were in KS1 a parent had 4 different parents speak to about her child behaviour (hitting, pushing & biting) and the school were not doing anything about.

The parent spoke to her about and She stood in the playground and and stated 'what did they want her to do parent him' I think the parents were to shocked to actually answer her.

Larrythecat · 04/07/2018 13:54

Not ok. I have a 3yo and a 5yo. They never did this, they do understand it's not ok and they would end up having time out if they persisted. Your sister needs to set up consequences and follow through, even if it's just "no cartoons in the morning" or "I will keep this toy until tomorrow". Your sister is not disciplining or caring at all.

If your mum is also displeased about this, tell her to buy a travel gate for downstairs to discourage him to go upstairs in the mornings.

I'd be tempted to open the door when he calls, tell him that it's not ok, you are going back to bed and you do not want to be disturbed, close the door and see what happens?

At 4yo kids understand rules and what is ok and what it's not.

Pacificwander · 04/07/2018 13:57

My Dh is a shift worker and our dc have been taught from an early age to not disturb his sleep. And if they were too young to understand then it was my duty as a parent to allow him to sleep during day uninterrupted. They simply were not left to wander around banging on bedroom door.
Your Dsis is BU and frankly shit
I would continue to reprimand your nephew ' do not knock on my bedroom door i am asleep ' ' I will no longer be able to play if you knock on my door' or a loud ' I'm asleep leave me alone' I'd also not be afraid to shout at your dsis to collect her child .
It's extremely disrespectful of her to not allow you to sleep

Mookatron · 04/07/2018 14:06

"Good morning DN! Mummy said she was taking you swimming/to soft play/naggable exciting activity of choice straight after breakfast this morning! Isn't it exciting? Go and see if she's ready!"

Italiangreyhound · 04/07/2018 14:07

Of course you are not being unreasonable. Tell your sister that you will be angry at her if he continues and you will bang her down late at night so she knows how it feels.

Tell your nephew no more, he is 4, he should understand.

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 04/07/2018 14:16

I’m amazed at all these inventive and convoluted ways of getting a kid not to be a dick.

With my kids, I just told them not to do it, there was no game involved.. if they carried on, they’d be sorry.

Getting rewards for not being a brat isn’t the way forward imo. Reward for good behaviour, punish for bad. Not being a brat isn’t particularly good behaviour, it’s standard surely?

I don’t get a pay rise simply for not punching my co workers in the face.