Mum going on holiday without her child

[pinkwafercustardcream]

First of all I AM her friend before I get accused of slagging the woman off. If I wasn't I wouldn't be posting in here instead I'd be mentioning it to mutuals which I haven't.

So my friend has a gorgeous 2 year old daughter.

My friend works full time in a demanding job which requires trips away and lots of evening events.

She's now on her fourth holiday (excluding weekends away) with friends abroad without her daughter. I know she's not bu to go but I feel she is bu to want to.

This time flies by so fast and she's spends a lot of time working away from her daughter. I just can't get my head around her not wanting to spend this time off with her daughter.

This woman had even gone to Disneyland with friends whilst her child stayed at home.

Does she not like her child much or am I wrong please tell me because obviously i can't ask her that!

I know she's not bu to go but I feel she is bu to want to.

Judging what other people want just because you don't want it. Nice.

YANBU to think it - I would too. YWBU to say anything though

The 2 year old won't remember going on holiday so I personally think it's fine. Maybe she just needs a break.

OP,
Post that your exDH is going to Disney without your child and everyone will say he's awful to go away with the child.

Post that your DH is off on his 4th holiday without the family, you'll get a sympathetic hearing.

Post that a FRIEND is doing the same, and you'll get slammed.

FWIW I am friends with a couple who were the same: several holidays/weekends away without the kids per year even though they had heavy work schedules. The kids are teens now, no-one seems to have suffered! All well adjusted, nice kids.

It seems to be one of those things that doesn't matter in the long run.

I think an occasional holiday or weekend away can be extremely beneficially for parents, it's a bloody hard job. But yeah, it does seem a bit much especially if the child is staying with different child carers.
But then the child may be well equipped emotionally to deal with the changing carers and settings and quite enjoy the experience. It's hard to say without knowing the individuals and their relationships.

""Disneyland is for children."

Disneyland is for anyone who wants to go there.

"I for one would be really hurt if my mother had done this to me as a child.""

If you held a grudge against your Mother for how she parented you, as a Toddler, baring abuse, you'd be very strange.

My DD holidayed without my eldest GD at this age. Children don't get much out of holidays at that age. They now do 'Family holidays'.

Accept for the separation anxiety stage, I think you are better getting as much time for yourself, when they are under 2.5.

It might be an outright choice. Or she may need that time, has there definitely not been any PND/bonding issues?

She may be a very different Parent when the child is doing more.

Who is the child with when she is away?

Tbh, Parents who spend large amounts of time away from their children, are going to be doing the children any favours by being around, if they resent it.

But perhaps she's planning on being around more when she is really needed, which is when they are older.

My parents sometimes left us with a relative and went away, certainly once when I was still a baby and then at around 2 and 4. What I do remember is having a great time with the aunty I stayed with who had a dog and took me on long walks collecting wild flowers (probably when I was 4). My parents worked long hours running a business and it was good for them to have some time together without me. Yet another thread dead set of guilt tipping women who want any sort of time to themselves.

I would certainly find the attitude of this woman odd. She works full time ok a demanding job so this is presumably 50+ hours per week including commuting.
The she’s having weekends away and four holidays without her!
Does she take her daughter on holiday also?
I can’t work out when she must have any quality time with her dd.
I think this little girl will grow up lonely. Poor child.
I wonder why your friend had a child. Or maybe she imagined it would be different but now her dd is here it’s not really what she thought it would be.
Everyone on here will scream it’s fine and that a man wouldn’t think twice about doing it.
But the fact is a mother that is always absent is not going to have a close relationship with their dc.

Except, even.

YANBU I don’t agree with women who have children enjoying themselves either. Who could possibly want a bit of time to themselves on holiday with gorgeous children left behind to fend for themselves? (or, you know, be looked after by their other parent).

It really, really depends. Is your friend a really hands on mum when she’s around? Is the father more of the regular carer? The answer to those questions make all the difference. It isn’t good for any child to be just an accessory to their parents’ lives. But on the other hand, both parents don’t have to be around 24/7 for the child to feel cared for.

I don’t agree though that how parents behave is never any of our business.

I have a friend who does similar. It is not for me. So yanbu. Anyway friends son adores his grandparents who look after him a lot, and is a very happy boy.

I can see why you feel the way you do but you can't apply your way of thinking on your friend no matter how much it winds you up.

I've done one adult holiday without my dc for one week with 3 friends but this year and as for other years a holiday is planned for my and my dc to enjoy together. As you say childhood flies by and once gone... it's gone.

Where's the child's father, though? If he's the one looking after the DD then that's fine.Or, if there's no father on the scene but a longterm nanny or another relative/close family friend then, again, the child will be fine. Don't forget that some people find babies and toddlers a bit dull (even their own) and are better at parenting them when they get a bit older. Just like some people only like babies and small toddlers, and can't cope with a child old enough to have opinions of its own...

I don’t agree though that how parents behave is never any of our business.

I don't think anyone is saying that. Going on trips without your child is hardly abuse, though.

My husband works away from home all the time and has done since his kids were small. He even sent off and left his 6 week old baby.

However they are all ugly kids so it probably doesn’t matter.

No one seems to judge him the way that the Op is judging her “friend”. I wonder why that is.

Actually, I do find it weird that someone who works away a fair bit also goes on lots of holidays without their child, 'own life' or not.

Where is the childs Dad in all this? If he is at home with their DD I don't see the issue. If he is also leaving her, I don't see why it is the Mum who is being criticized. Ultimately, without knowing, the mother, the child, or anything about their family set up, I don't think we have enough information to decide if we agree or disagree with you.

Do you feel the same about men working long hours who go away for golfing/boys' weekends leaving their gorgeous children behind?

Meh.

My 2YO has been to my Dads for a week twice this year. And will be going Twice more before the end of the year. Prior to that I’d never spent a night away from her - I’m a single parent, colic, reflux, multiple allergies, no sleep, 2 older D.C. and I was doing Access Science at College / I was on my fucking knees with exhaustion. So my Dad took her - so I could rest and catch up with work. My MH was down the drain. Not many people knew about it.

I had a lot of snarky comments.

I don’t give a fuck.

I'd love to get away from DD (11 months). Presumably this horrible woman is locking her child in a cage while she's away? Otherwise I cant see any reason for you to get worked up over something that is clearly none of your business.

I think just as poorly of any father who does the same. Sounds like both parents are leaving the child regularly with non family members, possibly different people too, I really don't think that's ok. I'll get flamed but I don't.

If I knew people like this I'd wonder why they bothered having DC in the first place, and I'd wonder if the child/ren were actually wanted.

It's not anywhere near how anyone I know was patented/parents.

Some do have holidays/weekend away without DC but that's max 2 weekends a year. And even then usually due to attending child free events they feel obligated to (hens/stags/weddings).

To spend almost all holiday time not only not focused on reconnecting with family/DC but actively away from them, when you're already away a lot due to work smacks of dysfunctional to me.

My toddler also spends all week at Nursery whilst I’m either studying or working , doesn’t mean I still don’t need a break from the sheets relentless of it all as I never get to switch off.

I couldn’t go away that much but mostly because I would miss my DC too much and I don’t have local family to trust. I have been away for the odd night with Work, wedding etc and one holiday for 3 nights.

There is not much you can say about it, if you agree with her choices or not.

Her DD will be fine, I mean this kindly it is not your problem or your business, My DF works for a very large company as Vice president, her DD is 5 she works away lots travels etc and they have a beautiful bond anyway. Id not worry about it anymore if I were you.