Mum going on holiday without her child

[pinkwafercustardcream]

First of all I AM her friend before I get accused of slagging the woman off. If I wasn't I wouldn't be posting in here instead I'd be mentioning it to mutuals which I haven't.

So my friend has a gorgeous 2 year old daughter.

My friend works full time in a demanding job which requires trips away and lots of evening events.

She's now on her fourth holiday (excluding weekends away) with friends abroad without her daughter. I know she's not bu to go but I feel she is bu to want to.

This time flies by so fast and she's spends a lot of time working away from her daughter. I just can't get my head around her not wanting to spend this time off with her daughter.

This woman had even gone to Disneyland with friends whilst her child stayed at home.

Does she not like her child much or am I wrong please tell me because obviously i can't ask her that!

I worked away a lot for few years. And I've been on several holidays without my daughter. I absolutely adore her. I've also been away with just her, quite a few times. It's none of your business, imo.

Yes I’d judge. Having a break is fine. Going on holiday without your child is fine. But working full time is already spending quite a bit of time away from your child. 4 holidays a year away from your child on top of that? Plus weekends away? There’s just no need. I’d say exactly the same if it was a bloke, too.

Yes kitchen, you're absolutely right.

The OP hasn't given any indication of how her friend's DD reacts though. Maybe she stays with someone else so often that she copes fine. I did read when looking at putting DD in nursery that children can cope with mum being away (although this was obviously about work) as long as childcare is provided by the same person consistently, so maybe she is too young to be effected yet?

As I said though, I couldn't imagine doing it myself, I know DD would miss me and I would be beside myself worrying how she was coping. By far the hardest part of giving birth to my son almost 8 months ago was the separation from DD.

Maybe she finds parenting boring and needs the break and a career, doesn't make her a bad person

FWIW I wouldn't want to leave my children behind that often and definitely not at that age but I wouldn't judge someone who did as long as they were being cared for by someone trustworthy.

I took my dd to Disneyland Florida at just under 2, trust me ahe got a lot out of it. She absolutely loved it.

you would get a completely different response from posters if the DH worked full time and went on 4 holidays this year.

oh and also, according to mumsnet if you dont agree with someones actions you are definitely jealous of them.

I understand completely how you feel. I work full time and my time off with my daughter is what I live for to be honest. I wouldn’t even consider going on holiday without her as I want her to experience holidays and travel with me. But everyone is different I guess and I would only be judgemental if she took holidays with her friends ‘instead’ of holidays with her daughter, rather than ‘as well as’ taking her daughter away.

Does she go on holiday with her daughter?

It’s just different parenting to yours, there’s nothing actually wrong with it.

I’d be a bit jealous - I’d love to have a break away from DD but that isn’t going to happen until she’s old enough for Brownie camp or something (currently 2.5 so we have several years to go yet!). We have no family support so our only break from her is childcare. Last year we had a week off work together and sent her to nursery for her usual three days and had three blissful childfree days out. Then we had two days of fun with her. It was a great balance.

We’re both introverts - we need to have some time/space to ourselves which is hard to find when you’re parenting without any extended family back up.

One of my old companies took us all to a DisneyLand Paris when they sold the company to a large corporate business, as a thank you for all our hard work. Clearly none of us were kids when we went.

I also have a number of friends (all late 30’s/40) who are obsessed with Disney and have been to Disneyland themselves. So I dont think you can say “its just for kids”.

Whatever your opinion on your friend, it’s just that your opinion. Maybe she feels now is the best time to get these breaks in while her child is still so young, as it will be more difficult with her when her child is older when school etc comes into play and holidays may be harder for her to take when she wants to around work?

If my dh:

• worked full time
• was away for work a lot
• went away from weekends a lot
• went on 4 holidays without me and kids

I would not be happy. When the hell would any of us see him?

Men get a pasting on here for working and being out of the house a lot. How is this different?

I’m a bit confused! It’s ok for many of you to judge what’s been said and determine whether you think the op is her friend or not. It seems to me you are being just as judgy and frankly not very diplomatic or kind! :0(

agree with or not I would dream of posting a thread about a good friend of mine.i cant help imaging what shed feel if she ever found out id starteda public thread on mumsnet about her.
no matter whether you agree or not if she is a good person and a good mum maybe just put up with it and try to see her for all she is instead of isn't.
p.s I would be able to do it though.im a soppy git though so couldn't leave my little ones. we are all so differen thought.
as long as the dc is loved and feels cherished and the most impotnat little lady in the world then that fine.

I think 1 holiday away to enjoy herself & some weekends are ok, let’s be honest, we all know that holidays aren’t the relaxing in the sun type when children come along, but, 4 - selfish. I’d love the opportunity to have a holiday on my own once a year, free from responsibility & having to keep a constant eye on my DC, but, can’t afford it.
And no, I don’t think you are any less a friend , immature, jealous or judgemental for broaching it on here, like many say- if they were totally honest they’d be thinking the same - they need to get a grip & get of their high horse. I would feel extremely annoyed, hurt & angry if my mum constantly went on holiday without me - not that she ever did, the odd weekend here & there. However, what you are mentioning is totally different.

"BlueGenes

Yes I’d judge. Having a break is fine. Going on holiday without your child is fine. But working full time is already spending quite a bit of time away from your child. 4 holidays a year away from your child on top of that? Plus weekends away? There’s just no need. I’d say exactly the same if it was a bloke, too."

Pretty much what I thought - however, it is HER child and HER choice. I can't help but feel she may regret it but again, that's up to her. The child isn't neglected so it's not your place to say anything to anyone. If she ever asked you, then you could be honest in how you feel but it's up to her.

I suppose I can't imagine it - DS does go on holidays with the grandparents once a year and DH and I have had odd nights away from him but it does seem a bit excessive to me especially when on top of work. I work a fairly demanding job and I hate what I've missed - but need the money.

Again, it's her choice - and I don't get the points about jealousy btw. You don't have to be jealous of someone to question their actions

I don't think yabu. 4th holiday of the year, plus weekends away, plus time away with work. That's a lot of time to be away from a 2 yr old.

When I was younger, I had this fantasy about having a high flying career and a family. Now I can see that would be spreading myself too thin and I wouldn't want to do it. I can't understand why people would have a family and not want to do family stuff with them, makes the child sound like some kind of designer accessory. And for those who say 'children don't remember at that age' you're clearly not informed on the impact of how the body stores information on events even before conscious memory comes online. My mother told me that when my father had to work away overnight I was often inconsolable, and that was with one parent at home. I'd say there are going to be attachment issues for this little one if all the OP has said is correct.

YANBU. I would quietly judge any parent who did this. She may need or want to do her full-time demanding job (not judging for that!), but a decent parent would prioritise their child during their time off. Considering the child is only 2, already four holidays away without them is a lot. For a two year old, 'love' means the parent being physically there, as much as is reasonably possible.

It does make me sad to hear stories like this but I think it’s because I’m projecting. I have a happy family life and cherish the time we spend together. You have no idea if your friend is struggling and needs the mental health break just to keep going. And I guess, even if she’s not struggling - each to their own.

Also I think it's better to get the travel out of her system now the little girl is an age she won’t remember. My mum was left alone every year so my grandparents could travel. When - as an adult - she gently tried to explain how horrible it made her feel my grandma gaslighted her everytime and wouldn't hear of it. She would just repeat that ‘you loved your time with uncle ernie’. As long as your friend doesn’t do this in future and her girl stays happy then she’ll be doing great.

Ironically- for a while my mum couldn’t go anywhere as she was a full time carer for said grandma. I used the gaslighting and holidays (amongst many other things) to convince Mum to put her in a home and get her life back.

So don't worry absolutely about the gorgeous girl - it all works out in the end.

I have always worked full time, including frequent evenings.

No way, when they were little. Would I have taken them to nursery on a Monday morning, work all week, leave them with a nanny / overnight childcare provision, go on holiday, pick them up on Sun eve just in time for Monday nursery.

When working f/t I prioritised every other time to be with the kids. Nights out after their bed times yes.

People make different choices, they are comfortable with those choices, who is to say that just because I couldn’t have done it, it’s wrong. I just don’t know how she can do it.

I couldn't do it and can't help but feel a little sorry for the child. I'm all for breaks away without children but that seems a little excessive.
Does the child get to go on holiday at all?

I'm going away next year for 5 nights sans children. It'll be the first time I've ever done it and they'll be with their dad. They're 9 and 13.
I am so excited! It's not a child friendly holiday so it feels justified.

My mum however, is very old fashioned and doesn't agree with parents leaving their children. I've not told her yet, I'm sure she won't say anything but I know she will be thinking it.
As is my dc dad. Except he's been quite verbal about me "swanning off".

Each to their own but I must admit, I agree with op. I couldn’t imagine wanting to go away on holiday without my daughter at that age. I would miss her terribly and would have felt guilty and not enjoyed myself. Time flies by so quickly and every moment that I wasn’t having to be at work, I would spend with her. They are grown up and gone in the blink of an eye. I know people have to work but why would you not want to spend your spare time with your child? She may not remember the exact holiday, being so young (although I remember a lot of things clearly from that age) but she will remember over the years, that Mum was always busy, went away without her and may grow up generally thinking and feeling that she was never a priority.

I don’t think YABU either, this is so sad. DH works away a lot and I asked him if he would choose to go on holiday without the kids - he said no way, work forces him to be away from them more than he likes as it is.

They cut the cord at birth for a reason.... were you aware of that?