Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum going on holiday without her child

321 replies

pinkwafercustardcream · 03/07/2018 12:48

First of all I AM her friend before I get accused of slagging the woman off. If I wasn't I wouldn't be posting in here instead I'd be mentioning it to mutuals which I haven't.

So my friend has a gorgeous 2 year old daughter.

My friend works full time in a demanding job which requires trips away and lots of evening events.

She's now on her fourth holiday (excluding weekends away) with friends abroad without her daughter. I know she's not bu to go but I feel she is bu to want to.

This time flies by so fast and she's spends a lot of time working away from her daughter. I just can't get my head around her not wanting to spend this time off with her daughter.

This woman had even gone to Disneyland with friends whilst her child stayed at home.

Does she not like her child much or am I wrong please tell me because obviously i can't ask her that!

OP posts:
TheFirstMrsOsmond · 03/07/2018 16:04

To willingly leave them for two months is worrying.... Very worrying indeed

Patronising AND judgemental!

RebelRogue · 03/07/2018 16:12

@Whatdoido2018 I find it equally worrying if a mum can't cope being away from her for more than a few hours.

Actually I don't,because it's not my problem and I don't make sweeping statements about people and children I've never met .

SilverySurfer · 03/07/2018 16:21

There appear to be two kinds of mothers. Some, seemingly the majority, once they have given birth, subsume their whole being into mummyhood and are happy for the children to be stuck to them like limpets until they start school, if not beyond.

Then there are the minority who manage to retain a part of themselves, whether that be a demanding non 9-5 job, hobbies, or taking child free holidays etc.

I doubt either side can even begin to understand the other but as long as the children are loved and cared for, surely that's all that matters?

cadburyegg · 03/07/2018 16:22

No flaming I think working away is unavoidable. Makes no difference if it’s mum or dad. Everyone is entitled to have a “life” away from their DC, I do. I’ve had weekends away and we have occasional date nights. But there has to be a balance and spending almost every weekend on holiday with “the girls”/going on luxurious holidays several times a year etc isn’t it.

I don’t think it’s offensive to state that those who spend the most time with their DC will have a better idea of their likes and dislikes and what makes them tick.

glintandglide · 03/07/2018 16:25

I wish mothers wouldn’t be such martyrs. You don’t see men getting worked up about this. this is what’s keeping us poor and subservient

Graphista · 03/07/2018 16:26

It's a balance, no there's no need to be a martyr but equally being a very distant parent who hardly sees their child is also dysfunctional

glintandglide · 03/07/2018 16:29

Agree a balance is best. I think I have it spot on Grin

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 03/07/2018 16:30

I remember a cartoon I saw once in which there were 2 pictures: in the first a man in saying to a group of friends, "So I'm leaving my wife & kids for a couple of months to go and climb this mountain," and all the friends are saying "Marvellous!" "How enterprising!" and other admiring remarks. In the 2nd picture a woman is saying exactly the same thing, "....leaving my husband & kids....." etc but all the reactions are disapproving, "How could she?" "What an awful mother" etc etc

ConkerGame · 03/07/2018 16:31

Is she quite wealthy OP? In my experience this is pretty much the norm in wealthy families. As the expense of a holiday doesn’t seem like too much to them, they don’t see going on holiday as such a big deal as someone who has to save all year for one. Therefore they see it pretty much the same as your average person would about going out for the day. Plenty of parents go out for the day without their kids so it’s just the rich person equivalent of this!

Some of my friends came from wealthy backgrounds and grew up with a mixture of boarding school/nannies/parents with high stress, long hour jobs that required travel. So they didn’t spend nearly as much time with their parents as I did. The difference was that the time they did spend was quality time, spent doing something really fun and without the parent being distracted by chores/ cooking the dinner etc as they had housemaids for that! Also a lot of normal kids spend time arguing with their parents about boring stuff like doing their homework/ falling out with their siblings etc. My rich friends never seemed to have this issue as both parent and child so looked forward to spending time together that it was always special time. As adults they are all incredibly close to and fond of their parents - the time apart seems to have helped that, not hindered it. They also have a huge amount of respect and admiration for their parents and their achievements.

It’s just another type of lifestyle. One that most people can’t afford or even aspire to (myself included) and therefore small minded people like the OP judge it to make themselves feel better about their own lives. Live life in your own way and let others do the same!

Allegorical · 03/07/2018 16:46

Personally I think it’s strange and I do “judge” and think in real life, not the strange parallel world of
Mumsnet most people
Would too in their heads at least . One holiday or a couple of weekends away is ok but 4 is excessive and I assume there isn’t much annual leave left to spend time with her/their daughter.
I had my kids to enjoy them. I want to spend my holidays with them. They are little for such a short time. I had plenty of time to do exotic
Holidays and city breaks before I had them and will do again when they are grown. I think it’s really sad.

LonginesPrime · 03/07/2018 16:46

I find it very unusual that not one but two posters seem to know this women.

Either that, or there's not just one, but two, I repeat two women out there behaving so scandalously!

Quick, someone pass my smelling salts...

Trinity66 · 03/07/2018 16:47

I remember a cartoon I saw once in which there were 2 pictures: in the first a man in saying to a group of friends, "So I'm leaving my wife & kids for a couple of months to go and climb this mountain," and all the friends are saying "Marvellous!" "How enterprising!" and other admiring remarks. In the 2nd picture a woman is saying exactly the same thing, "....leaving my husband & kids....." etc but all the reactions are disapproving, "How could she?" "What an awful mother" etc etc

Its so true and we're our own worst enemies aswell, look at all the judgmental women on this thread alone

Allegorical · 03/07/2018 16:48

Oh would like to add I would judge the dads too. Can’t stand the hobbiest dads that abandon their family every weekend to go on their epic bike rides/ play golf etc. Again plenty of time for that when they are older.

RebelRogue · 03/07/2018 16:51

OP didn't mention if it's 4 holidays since the child was born,in the past year or 4 since january. Not that it matters for my opinion but it seems to sway opinion in others. There also seems to be some posters that just assumed the "worst case scenario".

Lilajuvel · 03/07/2018 16:53

I remember a cartoon I saw once in which there were 2 pictures: in the first a man in saying to a group of friends, "So I'm leaving my wife & kids for a couple of months to go and climb this mountain," and all the friends are saying "Marvellous!" "How enterprising!" and other admiring remarks.

I personally wouldn't be happy with DP doing that. There's a reason I don't date military.

SunnyShades · 03/07/2018 16:55

I'm usually quite laissez- faire when it comes to parenting, but I do judge when parents go away without DC. I would personally legislate to ban it for under 7s.

I just don't see how or why any truly loving parent would want to go away without their DC.

BounceAndClimb · 03/07/2018 16:57

I would assume she didn't actually want a child, therefore is doing the best she can in the circumstances.
Either that or she did want the child and then found the reality different to what she expected and so tries to avoid time with her.

Either way I don't agree with the posters saying this is normal. I'm sure if a mum came online saying her partner was working full time and evenings, then had been on 5 holidays away with friends refusing to take his family, along with weekends away alone on top of it then people would rightly assume he was looking for any opportunity to avoid spending time with the family.
No different in this situation.

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 03/07/2018 16:59

Trinity66 yes my experience was that women judged me far more than men did. My DH encouraged me to go because the opportunity arose when he had a gap between the end of one job and starting another, so he was able to be at home with the DCs, and he knew there was something very particular I wanted to achieve on the trip. There were also times in their childhood when he was absent for 4 or 5 weeks and I held the fort at home. Our DCs are all now in their 20s, resourceful, independent and equally close to both of us.

SlothSlothSloth · 03/07/2018 16:59

MYOB. I’m glad you aren’t my “friend”.

Do you also judge men for taking time out for their children, or do you reserve your ire for your female “friends”?

RebelRogue · 03/07/2018 17:01

@SunnyShades then you must lack imagination.

@BounceAndClimb indeed not normal. Most people barely can afford one holiday much less 4 and weekends away so it's definitely not the norm. It doesn't mean that it's worrying, she doesn't like her kid etc either.

Trinity66 · 03/07/2018 17:06

Trinity66 yes my experience was that women judged me far more than men did. My DH encouraged me to go because the opportunity arose when he had a gap between the end of one job and starting another, so he was able to be at home with the DCs, and he knew there was something very particular I wanted to achieve on the trip. There were also times in their childhood when he was absent for 4 or 5 weeks and I held the fort at home. Our DCs are all now in their 20s, resourceful, independent and equally close to both of us.

Good for you and of course your kids are fine, I can't get over the level of judgement and nastiness in here tbh My kids are teens now but my DH and I went away plenty of times together when they were younger, to keep us connected to eachother aswell as being parents. The kids were always well looked after if we were away and they've grown into independent, fabulous teenagers too and guess what, we're all very close aswell eventhough we dared to Holiday without them sometimes :p

happinessischocolate · 03/07/2018 17:06

I get why you're wondering if she enjoys/likes her child.

A friend of mine was a single parent and the dc went to his dads every other weekend from Friday to Sunday night, then on my friends weekends the dc would go and stay with her parents for the whole weekend.I didn't understand it and I still don't. The gps would also take the dc on holiday and my friend could have gone too but chose not too.

PorkFlute · 03/07/2018 17:08

While I wouldn’t think the occasional child free holiday strange, 4 in one year is a lot.
As I friend I think I’d have a conversation about it with her though. Maybe she’s struggling?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 03/07/2018 17:20

I can't understand that at all.
I'm not saying that just because you have kids your life should stop, but She sounds like she has the life of Rielly.

Trinity66 · 03/07/2018 17:20

While I wouldn’t think the occasional child free holiday strange, 4 in one year is a lot

tbf the OP said she's on her 4th holiday with friends abroad without her daughter, not this year

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread