Mum going on holiday without her child

[pinkwafercustardcream]

First of all I AM her friend before I get accused of slagging the woman off. If I wasn't I wouldn't be posting in here instead I'd be mentioning it to mutuals which I haven't.

So my friend has a gorgeous 2 year old daughter.

My friend works full time in a demanding job which requires trips away and lots of evening events.

She's now on her fourth holiday (excluding weekends away) with friends abroad without her daughter. I know she's not bu to go but I feel she is bu to want to.

This time flies by so fast and she's spends a lot of time working away from her daughter. I just can't get my head around her not wanting to spend this time off with her daughter.

This woman had even gone to Disneyland with friends whilst her child stayed at home.

Does she not like her child much or am I wrong please tell me because obviously i can't ask her that!

Kinda weird to leave you kids to go to Disney land ‘rebelrogue’
Almost like childlike persona being what life was like before kids or don’t you agree?
She probably is getting booted up..hey she’s no kids to concern herself with becos she dumps them on everyone else!

I'm with you OP. I have found there are different types of mother, those that frequently leave their children with others so that they can go off and basically live like they don't have children and those like myself who have sacrificed an awful lot of their former life to have children and spend as much time with them as possible.

MN isn't going to side with you (us) on this, as you've seen. You'll get the "don't be such a martyr", "mothers shouldn't have to make sacrifices in their own lives just because they have kids", "parents deserve holidays too" etc.

I agree, parents need holidays, but your friend seems to spend bare minimum time with their DD and it wouldn't sit well with me if she was my friend. Two of my SILs do a version of this and I do judge them, sometimes very harshly. But I say nothing to anyone.

I find it weird I'm being accused of being jealous for asking why someone would do something I wouldn't want to do? And to get a hobby? Where did I mention I didn't have one?

Some very defensive and angry people on here!

And if people come on here claiming to k ow who this is maybe they can answer the questions about the dad

Oh and those who said she may be struggling that's actually made me think as I had never even thought of that. Because Of course the lady is very 'put together' all the time always seems to be happy but I guess this is common isn't it to present like this when its not true so thanks for that PoV and this has made me glad I asked on here rather with mutual friends so thanks mumsnet. When she's back I'll go gently and see if I can help if needed.

You are being judgemental.

You are buying into and perpetuating the narrative that says a woman is unnatural if she doesn't devote herself to her child.

It's fine for you to feel differently- but don't judge her.

If this woman was a rich celebrity her kids would probably spend most of their time cared for by nannies and no one would judge her. It would just be expected as the norm for people in that social circle. In fact in periods of history upper class mothers would delegate most of the childcare to hired help because it was seen as drudgery.

I'd hate having a mother like that

A 2 year old in Disney is a hassle. Doesn't she take her child away at all?

You having a view doesn't mean you arebt her friend btw. Ignore that nonsense.

Maybe friend spends so little time with her daughter that now she is scared to be left alone with her longer than few hours.
Little children should not be treated as objects, they are people too. Stress they experience being apart from their parents (and yes, sorry, mothers especially) will influence their personalities as adults. If the child carers change all the time, little children develop problems with trust and attachment, and that will cause relationship problems latter.
No, it's not only about roof over head and what suits parents. Children have their emotional needs and rights. If parents work long hours, then they should compensate at weekends and holidays. In Op situation parents maybe will have problems when the teen years come: "You where never there for me, so f... off!" Or just distant, detached relationships.

I find having a different view is always seen ad judging on MN. I remember a friend of mine saying she wouldn't go on holiday without her DH AND THE kids...like I did. I go on girls holidays...I didn't feel judged...I just took that to be her opinion.

I explained that it was great to get away from it and have a break. I came back refreshed and was better for it.

Few years later she changed her view and has more girls breaks than me.

Not for one second did I think she wasn't a good friend and was being judgemental.

I think it's very odd. Certainly so far from normal in my world I just can't imagine ever doing it to be honest.

And yes, I would definitely judge someone for doing it. Not that my opinion matters though!

If the child carers change all the time, little children develop problems with trust and attachment, and that will cause relationship problems latter.

This is so silly. Who says her carers are changing “all the time”? The girl is most likely being looked after by her dad, and if not then probably her grandparents.

What about all the MN posters who are always talking about how their DH works away most of the time? This seems like a normal set-up on MN, and those men rarely get anything like the judgement this woman is getting for taking 4 weeks out.

IMHO 2 years old is too young to enjoy most holidays, they tend to like routine and familiarity. By all means she could take her to Disney when she's a bit older, but a 2 year old is unlikely to get the most out of that experience.

I go on holiday without my DCs. I also go away with them and they go away with their dad. Not everything has to be for everyone.

The fact that she spends a lot of time away for work, so what, so does my DP - his DCs are used to him being away with work, they stay with their mum or GPs and are absolutely fine. That doesn't mean he should never have a holiday.

Holidays with kids are a ballache. My ex used to say "same shit, just a different location, without the facilities to deal with it". I have to say I can somewhat see his point. When I go away with just DP I can truly relax, recharge and come back as a better parent. When I take the DCs away, I am a bit stressy, constantly feeling the pressure to entertain their whims and still end up tidying up after the buggers!

@SandyY2K except that some posters actually used the words judge/judgemental and ofc the "subtle" worrying behaviour,doesn't like her kid and damaging mental health.

Love threads like this. And the Irony of MN.

Loads of Mn threads telling posters to work more, pay into pensions, coz they'll be screwed when their Dh leaves them for a younger model.

Loads of posters saying I earn £100k ++++. many earning £250k++
So how does that happen? How much of their kids are they seeing?

besides I don't like my own kids that much. let alone anyone else's!!
Ds2's football coach was saying at the weekend - I'd be a good helper. I nearly boaked. Can't think of anything worse. My 2 want nothing to do with me. They'd play fortnite 24-7 given half a chance. They never want to see me, let alone talk to me!!

FWIW I have far more judgement for those awful dads who are always doing their 'hobbies', having 'down time' and seeing their wife as the default parent. They wouldn't last a second in my home. It is straight down the middle.

But our kids really do need us both. When I was hospitalised a few weeks ago (no drama but it was unexpected), my two year old was 'off' that evening. To a stranger he would have appeared fine but he cried easily and was clearly 'waiting' for something that was taking too long to happen (my return). This, despite being with his dad who does 50% of the caring. 'He wants his mummy home' said the five year old. She knew. I hope she never loses that intuitiveness. I believe she has it because she has been given a secure environment and consequently can tell the difference.

As a parent, it's not about what you have the right to do. It's about discharging your responsibilities to your child in a way that meets their needs and thinking about what the consequences are going to be for the child. They're optional, you don't have to have them! That's where you have rights!

Being in hospital is unavoidable and perhaps some weekends away/evenings out are also unavoidable but I would find it impossible to relax knowing that I had a toddler waiting for me at home, especially as the days went by. A toddler does not understand 'I'll be back in a week/three days'. And if she was so unattached that she wasn't waiting, I can only say, how very very sad.

I don't want a whingy, on edge child who is never sure if mummy and daddy are going to be there. I don't care if I have the right to it or not. My DH and I both want to be a dependable part of the backdrop to their lives and I firmly believe young children need that security to thrive. If you're not prepared for that, don't have children.

I Am her friend before I get accused of slagging her off You are slagging her off though!

I find having a different view is always seen ad judging on MN. I remember a friend of mine saying she wouldn't go on holiday without her DH AND THE kids...like I did. I go on girls holidays...I didn't feel judged...I just took that to be her opinion.

The OP has questioned whether this woman likes her child though, that's going a bit beyond an opinion and into nasty territory imo

The OP has questioned whether this woman likes her child though, that's going a bit beyond an opinion and into nasty territory imo

Yeah..that's not a nice thing to question....I agree.

@RebelRogue

I don't know... I'd only feel judged if someone was telling me or criticising me to my face that I was doing something wrong... just because they wouldn't do what I do...doesnt class as judgement IMO.

As for saying she doesn't like her the child ...that's not backed up with evidence. Going away without your child doesnt mean you don't like them.

I agree with you. This time is so so precious with them. And she already loses out so much with all your sshe works. She gets plenty of time away from her whilst on trips away with work etc. She should be wanting to take her girl and make the memories plus she might not be in a position when the daughter is old enough to afford all these holidays and then she would feel
Guilty leaving her at home xx

I've had 2 hols with my partner without my kids. I adore my kids but they drive me demented at times and i need a break. I work full time as im divorced and need to pay bills. Im constantly bolloxed with homework, activities, days out once a week on our special day.

I've also had weekends away both with my wonderful partner and also my female friends. I need adult time and spending quality time with my partner has meant we had time to bond properly and fell deeply in love and have a happiness we never thought we could after our traumatic pasts.

I do feel bad at times, think im a crap mum. I shout, I swear, i drink to chill out. But im doing my best. Its sad to think people make unkind judgements about mums having a break from their kids. I have lost a few mum friends since i met my partner. I dont care though cos true friends are happy and supportive. Not gossipy and spiteful.

I couldn't do it, and I wouldn't want to. She IS on my borrowed time, we all are with children. People have all sorts of reasons for needing breaks and holidays away from her children, it could be she is trying to avoid a burnout. I wouldn't judge op, just be pleased the child is well cared for (first priority) and that your friend is looking after herself.

on borrowed time

I don't think going to disneyland and leaving a 2 yo behind is a big deal.

BUT children raised in the care system simply don't do as well as children raised by a caregiver who is constant in their lives. It certainly doesn't have to be the mother of the child (clearly the father is an option, but also any family member or non-family member if it comes to it), but SOMEONE has to step up and be the primary care giver.

I'd worry about any child that was often in over night childcare, especially if they weren't being cared for by the same person who they could form a bond with.

If you have had a baby and discovered you hate/are terrible at being a parent, then there are better options than farming them out to a random series of nursery workers.

It seems odd to me as I dont know anyone who goes on holiday regularly without their child,,, I would say its fine though to have time away all parents need a break but Id feel guilty and be missing my son when he was only 2 , what if something happened if your in another country, its a worry I think many people would have about going far from home for a long time, even with older children, And yes she must be leaving her child with its dad i assume but it is still a bit suprising to hear but we shoudnt jugde if she doesnt feel worried about it its not our child

It’s actually none of your business. Alternatively , ask her