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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my fiance to support me in quitting my job

160 replies

sususususus · 02/07/2018 20:45

I was made redundant this year, and the whole thing was very traumatic. The day I was told my job was 'at risk' my partner hit the roof, and said "don't think I am going to be paying for you, you'll have to eat Tesco Value from now on". We rent a flat together.

I know he wouldn't really have done that, but I felt very panicked and pressured into finding a job ASAP. I found one quickly, but it's very different to what I was doing, and I knew it wasn't really for me. I took it because I couldn't be picky, and started a week after I was made redundant. I could have claimed contribution based JSA, but that isn't much.

I received £2k in redundancy pay, and the new job is the same salary I was on before. I've been there a few months now and I realise this job is not for me, I'm not suited to the tasks and I feel sad because I am not using my strong skills anymore. I've been applying for other jobs, but I cannot get the time off to go to interviews (I have to give 6 weeks notice for even an afternoon off) so it's proving very hard. I don't get paid for sick days, and if I take a sick day there is a big investigation and interview about it, even for one day.

I'm taking it day by day, but I desperately want another job. I want to quit so I have the time to find one, I'm pretty confident I could find one within a month to six weeks. It would feel like a huge relief to never go back in that office. But I don't think DP would be comfortable carrying the financial burder, though he could easily pay for everything himself for a short time. Our rent and bills costs about £1100 a month INCLUDING food, and he earns about £3000 a month after tax, more if he picks up overtime.

I should also mention, I have about £57K in savings and he has about £40K, but we have both agreed not to touch this as it's the 'house fund'. We are planning to buy a house together so it's not like I am living off him with nothing to contribute in the future.

I just want him to be supportive, but I know if I quit my job he will hit the roof, but I see it as the only way out to find a job I'm suited to :( AIBU to expect him to pay the bills for a few months and support me in this, or should I just carry on so I can put equal money in the joint account?

OP posts:

IrritableBitchSyndrome · 02/07/2018 20:48

Why are you planning a future with him, is the question that springs to mind. Of course he should be supportive and not want you to be unhappy.

Bluntness100 · 02/07/2018 20:48

I don't really understand why you don't just take a grand out your savings, quit and find another job. Why are you fucking about wanting him to pay half the bills? Just do it. You've already saved way more than him.

Original poster

sususususus · 02/07/2018 20:50

I could have lived off my redundancy money for a while, but I still would have felt bad for being unemployed.

OP posts:

Spartasprout · 02/07/2018 20:50

I started work in the 1970's, when jobs were fairly easy to come by, but my rule was always to only leave a job when you had one to go to.

However your partner doesn't sound at all supportive of you, and I know if I was unhappy somewhere my DP would have encouraged me to leave and find something else PDQ. He now supports me full time without making me feel like I'm a burden, and that's really what your partner should be doing for you. So no, YANBU

Moreisnnogedag · 02/07/2018 20:51

Really? Is this the guy who you want to marry? I’d cut my losses at this point personally - quit the job, find a new one and then a new flat for just you. Nothing will get better with him and I’d eat my hat if he didn’t think that children’s expenses should come out of the mothers pay.

As a comparison, my DH (then fiancé) split everything with me and took over all financial responsibility when I was an impoverished student because, you know, we were a couple.

FuckPants · 02/07/2018 20:51

Why are you fucking about wanting him to pay half the bills?

OP wants him to pay all of it.

Just use your savings to pay your half OP.

VI0LET · 02/07/2018 20:51

I agree with the others - why are you planning a future with this person? How will they act if you ever have children and go on maternity leave ?

CoraPirbright · 02/07/2018 20:51

Has the £2k been swallowed up in the house fund? Or could you use it to fund yourself whilst you look for a new job?

On your actual question - he really doesnt sound very nice. He really ought to be encouraging you to find something you are happy with. Is he anxious around money matters?

Sanguin · 02/07/2018 20:51

How will he ever support you when you go on maternity leave?

LemonysSnicket · 02/07/2018 20:51

He sounds awful. DP supported me for 3 months because, though I could've gotten a shit job, he didn't want me to be unhappy and believed I would get my dream job given time.
Your DP is not looking at your best interests... to me, that means he doesn't love you frankly.

nevisbump · 02/07/2018 20:52

I would have left after he was unsupportive when your job was at risk. What happens if it happens again, you get ill or become pregnant?? You have enough in savings to take time out to find a good job and get somewhere to live alone.

MatildaTheCat · 02/07/2018 20:52

He’s not your boss so you don’t have to do what he says. In your position I would line up a number of leads before quitting my job including making contact with relevant agencies and employers so you can hit the ground running. Then I’d use some of my savings to contribute to the household expenses, quit and get stuck into job searching.

When you are sorted I would be having a serious think about whether your DP is right for you if he won’t support you in the circumstances you describe.

LarryFreakinStylinson · 02/07/2018 20:52

What’s he going to be like if you ever go on mat leave? I’d take my money elsewhere and do as I please!

NameChange30 · 02/07/2018 20:54

“The day I was told my job was 'at risk' my partner hit the roof, and said "don't think I am going to be paying for you, you'll have to eat Tesco Value from now on". We rent a flat together.”

Do not marry this man
Do not buy a house with this man
Do NOT have a child with this man

Imagine what he’d be like if you were on maternity leave and he was working

His attitude is absolutely shocking. It sounds as if he has the potential to be financially abuse (if he isn’t already). At the very least he is appallingly unsupportive.

Quit the job and the relationship.

You were wrong to take the job btw, you could have claimed contributory JSA and taken the time to find something more suitable. You could afford it, you had plenty of savings.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 02/07/2018 20:54

He sounds utterly horrible. Rent your own place, quit your job and leave the arsehole to his own bitter self absorption.

Sanguin · 02/07/2018 20:54

And god forbid you ever fall ill and can no longer work - what will happen then?

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 02/07/2018 20:54

Can you not take a block of annual leave and put in all your applications before hand and then you'll have time for interviews. Given you didn't get a similar job after redundancy it seems a stretch to think it will only take a month to find one now.

I would always want my DH to be happy but wouldn't be happy with him quitting as he simply didn't like a job and thought he needed to be unemployed to find a new one. His CV wouldn't be great and there's no guarantee of finding work in a month. Quitting as it was causing ill health is different.

I think his salary is a red herring, you can't justify making yourself unemployed just because he earns a nice amount. it sounds quite mercenary.

Hundredacrewoods · 02/07/2018 20:55

If that mean with money ask him why he expects you to put 17k more than him towards the house. Also please leave him before you ever get ill or pregnant

fromnowhere · 02/07/2018 20:55

Quit your job
Fund your own time off whilst looking for a new one
Tell him to do one if he gives you any shit about it
Sit down and have a really heart to heart with him about how he see finances as a couple
Do NOT buy a house with this man or have children until you are sure you have the same ideas and values about money. As others have said he sounds tight.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 02/07/2018 20:57

The day I was told my job was 'at risk' my partner hit the roof, and said "don't think I am going to be paying for you, you'll have to eat Tesco Value from now on"

When someone comes home and tells their partner they've been threatened with losing their job, the only acceptable response is for their partner to give them a big hug and reassure the person that they will get through this difficult patch together. Your 'D'F did the opposite of this. He made it very clear that he is not your partner and you are not a team. As far as he is concerned, this was your problem and you were on your own. He is unlikely to be supportive if you quit your job but then he wasn't supportive when you lost your previous job through no fault of your own. If there is a realistic chance of you securing another job within a month as you say then i would consider quitting my job against his wishes and using my savings as a short term measure, but also get out of the relationship.

LemonSqueezy0 · 02/07/2018 20:57

Christ, if you can't even have a reasonable conversation about it, how are you going to cope for the next 30 odd years together..

First of all you are in a very lucky position that you know your own mind, and have the financial means to allow you to make decisions and change direction

Secondly, he can't tell you how to spend your money, especially as you have thousands more than him anyway...

You're a grown woman. Plan your moves, then Tell him what you want to do, and how you are going to do it. If you were expecting him to pay your way (which actually isn't far fetched in committed relationship... ) I'd say he gets to decide too. But you as you are self sufficient, you make the decision.

My advice is to watch and consider how he treats you, and please, don't ever lose that financial independence as you will no doubt need it...

Saltandsauce · 02/07/2018 20:58

What a horrible reaction to you being made redundant, he sounds like an absolute pig of a man! He should’ve been supportive, tbh I think that was a pretty big hint to the misery you will probably be living in in the future should u marry him and have kids.
You are worth more than that. Don’t settle for a twat like him.
On your actual question - you don’t need him to take the burden of the bills, use ur redundancy money to fund it until you have a new job, £550 a month including bills isn’t much out of your savings, and you could always build that back up. But my advice is bin the loser your living with, move out and find happiness elsewhere! X

Plsbemyturn · 02/07/2018 21:00

Quit the job, use your saving while looking.

ThePinkOcelot · 02/07/2018 21:00

He sounds horrible! To go mad at you when your job was at risk?!! He should have been supportive. I’d be looking for a new fiancé as well as a new job!

NameChange30 · 02/07/2018 21:00

Btw you would have got cJSA after being made redundant but you won’t get it now. You get it if you’re dismissed but not if you resign.

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