To want my fiance to support me in quitting my job

[sususususus]

I was made redundant this year, and the whole thing was very traumatic. The day I was told my job was 'at risk' my partner hit the roof, and said "don't think I am going to be paying for you, you'll have to eat Tesco Value from now on". We rent a flat together.

I know he wouldn't really have done that, but I felt very panicked and pressured into finding a job ASAP. I found one quickly, but it's very different to what I was doing, and I knew it wasn't really for me. I took it because I couldn't be picky, and started a week after I was made redundant. I could have claimed contribution based JSA, but that isn't much.

I received £2k in redundancy pay, and the new job is the same salary I was on before. I've been there a few months now and I realise this job is not for me, I'm not suited to the tasks and I feel sad because I am not using my strong skills anymore. I've been applying for other jobs, but I cannot get the time off to go to interviews (I have to give 6 weeks notice for even an afternoon off) so it's proving very hard. I don't get paid for sick days, and if I take a sick day there is a big investigation and interview about it, even for one day.

I'm taking it day by day, but I desperately want another job. I want to quit so I have the time to find one, I'm pretty confident I could find one within a month to six weeks. It would feel like a huge relief to never go back in that office. But I don't think DP would be comfortable carrying the financial burder, though he could easily pay for everything himself for a short time. Our rent and bills costs about £1100 a month INCLUDING food, and he earns about £3000 a month after tax, more if he picks up overtime.

I should also mention, I have about £57K in savings and he has about £40K, but we have both agreed not to touch this as it's the 'house fund'. We are planning to buy a house together so it's not like I am living off him with nothing to contribute in the future.

I just want him to be supportive, but I know if I quit my job he will hit the roof, but I see it as the only way out to find a job I'm suited to :( AIBU to expect him to pay the bills for a few months and support me in this, or should I just carry on so I can put equal money in the joint account?

Posters have suggested you use your own savings to fund your looking for a job you're happy at - would your boyfriend allow you to do that?

Why would the boyfriend have a say in how she spends her own savings?

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

OP, your boyfriend is a cunt for hitting the roof when your job was only 'at risk' and telling you he wouldn't support you. That's all you need to know about him: he will not support you when you need it.

He may be perfect in every other way, but a relationship is team work, and that includes supporting each other financially and emotionally as and when it's needed. He clearly isn't up for that. Big red flag.

I’m sorry OP but your partner doesn’t sound very nice. Hitting the roof when the whole original situation was not your fault and beyond your control. Redundancy can be scary and he is not supportive and showed his true colours. (Like others have said, what the hell would he do if you were to go on maternity leave?!)

A few years ago I started a University course and hated it. I talked about it with my then partner and quit because it was making me truly miserable. He supported me when I took on a full time 3 month internship where I was then immediately offered full time work. It was very kind and generous of him to do that but he hated seeing me sad and low. Partners are supposed to be supportive.

You have money. Use it to get out as you deserve better. New job, new partner, new home?

I should say he’s now my DH.

You deserve so much better. Get out while you can!

Another suggestion for reading through your post and reconsidering whether you want to commit your future to this man.

(And multiply that suggestion by 10 if you are considering having kids...)

Your fiancé sounds like a dick of the highest order. Take your redundancy and your savings and find somewhere to call your own would be my advice.

"don't think I am going to be paying for you, you'll have to eat Tesco Value from now on"

That right there is the answer you have to every question you have asked in your OP. Don't hesitate to quit your job and use the time off to find a new job and a new place to live away from this horrible man

He's tight as a tick, isn't he? Well, at least you know what you're letting yourself in for if you go ahead with this man. What happens if you get pregnant and have to go on maternity leave? You'll be eating Tesco value forevermore, and that'll be the least of your problems!

Your fiance is very unsupportive isn't he? Is he usually like this about money? Why are you with him? Think very carefully about marrying or having children with a man who acts like this

What about a middle way? When I've had periods of unemployment following studentships I've signed up with temp agencies - so I'd have about £250 per week coming in & feel like I was still contributing/not sitting on my arse, and because it's a temp job there's never been an issue with taking time off for interviews (altho obvs unpaid). Last time I temped, I had 4 interviews in 6 weeks and the place I was temping was nothing but supportive.

I was all on board until I read that you have £17k more than him in savings yet are expecting that he’ll pay your share of the bills while you quit your job!

That’s ridiculous, sorry. You have money, plenty of it. Take some of the £57k, quit the job and support your half of the household using your savings while you find something new.

I just can’t quite believe you’re stressing about money and wanting him to cover the bills when you have that amount in the bank. It’s a bit ‘diamond shoes too tight’, do you understand how fortunate you are that you can leave a job you hate because you have the financial means to do so?

It's often hard to understand why women stay with abusers but often, it's because they're in such poor financial situations that they don't have an alternative.. yet, here you are with 57k in savings and still can't see that he's not a partner and things are only going to get worse.

What if you sink all that money into a house with this man and then you fall ill, or need to go on maternity leave, or you have a child that needs a SAHP? He isn't going to support you now for a period of 1-2 months, he's not going to do it long term and you have nothing to get you out of the situation.

Run for the hills, and take every penny you've saved. Seriously think about your relationship. If he's like this now, what about maternity leave? Illness? You should be a team, he shouldn't be behaving like this.

One of the reasons women stay with abusive men is because the abusive men have conditioned them to believe that the abuse is no more than they deserve, and that if they leave the relationship they will e single - which is such a Terrible Thing - and that they owe the man their continued subservience.

Dick is abundant and of low value. It's better to be single than to be connected to an abusive or otherwise unsatisfactory man.

The main reason women are so constantly threatened with the idea of Being Single as such an awful fate is that, actually, being single is better for women than being in a couple-relationship with a man. It's men who want and need a female partner - to service them domestically and stroke their egos, so men have constructed a society that pushes women into accepting male ownership.

Yours is a clear cut case of needing some support emotionally.

His initial reaction is enough to show that staying with this shit of a man will lead you to have a miserable life.

Though really you should have paid bills from your savings.

Partners should always be supportive about redundancy, as it isn't your fault. However, I think it's wrong for either partner to voluntarily give up work to be jobless without the others agreement

I absolutely wasn't saying that finances are the only reason that abusive relationships continue btw, I know it's so, so much more than that. We do see on MN time and time again though that women feel they can't make a move because they have nothing in their own name, have stopped work to raise children etc.

I do also think that you have plenty enough money to not need to rely on your partner to pay your half of the bills. You can afford to take a few thousand out of there and support your share for a good while. It's the lack of emotional support that it's more the issue here.

What everyone else said basicaly.

Do not buy a house with this selfish greedy shit of a man.

You have your own money use it. Why are you paying more than him.into savings but he refuses to support you when you need it?

He will get worse. What if you are ill or pregnant will he make you buy your own food at value prices while he pops off to m&s?

Huge display of who he really is under the veneer of loving partner . Partners support each other he has no intentions of thinking about anyone but himself and the goal of you paying for a nice house for him.

Run away, please put yourself first. Quit the job it sounds awful. Use your own damm money till you find another one and bin the dead weight.

Do you live in the UK? I work in HR and have never heard of a workplace that requires 6 weeks notice to take off an afternoon or an investigation of sick days. Basically, your partner and your work are assholes. Is that what you want in your life?

mimibunz Most workplaces in the UK do investigate sick days with a ‘return to work’ interview when you go back. Whether that’s done supportively or punitively depends on the workplace but it’s a very normal thing to do.

And lots of places require lots of notice to take leave to ensure shifts are covered and service continuity.

jeez.
why are you allowing yourself to be treated this way.
take some of your savings and pay for some good counselling and work on your self esteem.

I'm taking it day by day, but I desperately want another job. I want to quit so I have the time to find one, I'm pretty confident I could find one within a month to six weeks.

While on the surface your partner’s remark about ‘don’t think I’m paying for you’ is a dick thing to say, I do think you’re being unreasonable in wanting to quit work to find a job and have him cover the interim.

Plenty of people find new jobs while they’re working, the majority in fact. You can easily look for jobs after work, on a weekend, like everyone else manages to.

If my OH had nearly £20k more than me in the bank yet wanted to quit his job without another one to go to I wouldn’t be impressed, I’d expect either of us to find a new job while continuing to work and contribute, or if he wanted the luxury of quitting and then doing a job search full time I’d expect him to cover his own bills with the extra £20k he has in the bank.

Can you imagine if a poster came on here saying ‘my husband has £57k in the bank, I have £40k, he doesn’t like his job and isn’t looking and applying for any others but says he wants to quit without another job lined up and have me cover our expenses fully for as long as it takes for him to get a new job’?

That’s what is happening here. I’m not ready to castigate the guy 100% just yet, given that he has a partner expecting him to do that while she has more than enough to support herself in the meantime or can search while working. He’s not unreasonable for not facilitating that.

Red flags agogo here.
You have an excellent opportunity here.... Run for the hills and find a man worthy of your love....
It will only worsen if you stay

If I came home today and told my boyfriend I was miserable in my job without hesitation he would support me and not just in a financial sense.

You'd get more support from your tights than your partner.

Take your savings and run.