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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want my fiance to support me in quitting my job

160 replies

sususususus · 02/07/2018 20:45

I was made redundant this year, and the whole thing was very traumatic. The day I was told my job was 'at risk' my partner hit the roof, and said "don't think I am going to be paying for you, you'll have to eat Tesco Value from now on". We rent a flat together.

I know he wouldn't really have done that, but I felt very panicked and pressured into finding a job ASAP. I found one quickly, but it's very different to what I was doing, and I knew it wasn't really for me. I took it because I couldn't be picky, and started a week after I was made redundant. I could have claimed contribution based JSA, but that isn't much.

I received £2k in redundancy pay, and the new job is the same salary I was on before. I've been there a few months now and I realise this job is not for me, I'm not suited to the tasks and I feel sad because I am not using my strong skills anymore. I've been applying for other jobs, but I cannot get the time off to go to interviews (I have to give 6 weeks notice for even an afternoon off) so it's proving very hard. I don't get paid for sick days, and if I take a sick day there is a big investigation and interview about it, even for one day.

I'm taking it day by day, but I desperately want another job. I want to quit so I have the time to find one, I'm pretty confident I could find one within a month to six weeks. It would feel like a huge relief to never go back in that office. But I don't think DP would be comfortable carrying the financial burder, though he could easily pay for everything himself for a short time. Our rent and bills costs about £1100 a month INCLUDING food, and he earns about £3000 a month after tax, more if he picks up overtime.

I should also mention, I have about £57K in savings and he has about £40K, but we have both agreed not to touch this as it's the 'house fund'. We are planning to buy a house together so it's not like I am living off him with nothing to contribute in the future.

I just want him to be supportive, but I know if I quit my job he will hit the roof, but I see it as the only way out to find a job I'm suited to :( AIBU to expect him to pay the bills for a few months and support me in this, or should I just carry on so I can put equal money in the joint account?

OP posts:
Natasha2 · 02/07/2018 21:22

You are very lucky that you have seen what he is really like before you have bought a house with him.

Do you really want to buy a house with him now???

WingsofNylon · 02/07/2018 21:22

Don't buy a house with him. Don't even carry on sharing your life with him. When I was finding my jobs very difficult my DH came up with a financial plan that would see us t hrought 3 months if I needed that long to find a new one. This was totally unprompted.

Please make a better life without him.

whiteroseredrose · 02/07/2018 21:23

Really worrying. When I was miserable in my job my now DH told me to quit and move in with him till I found a new one. Not even engaged at the time.

As others have said, he's not paying attention to the for better or worse, richer or poorer vows. Not a proper supportive partner.

Celebelly · 02/07/2018 21:26

I left my job to set up my own business and my DP supported me for more than a year when I earned basically nothing. And he never made a snide comment or was anything less than supportive.

On a daily basis there are threads on here from women who are pregnant and their partner is saying the EXACT same thing as yours is: 'I won't be supporting you when you're on maternity leave', 'hope you've saved up so you can sit around the house all day.' It's a pattern of behaviour and of a troubling attitude towards partnerships and relationships in general.

He's actually done you a favour by showing you this early, before you've bought the house, married him, got pregnant. Don't ignore this warning: you will regret it.

hellosummer12 · 02/07/2018 21:27

Wow. A partner is supposed to support you. He acts like he hates you.

If I were you, i’d Be rethinking my relationship after his reaction.

You’re worth more, op.

Iloveacurry · 02/07/2018 21:28

Say to him, as you have 17k more in savings as he does, you’ll use some of that. After all, is only fair when you buy a house, that it’s half and half!!

He sounds a delight ... not! Dread to think how supportive he would be if you had a baby and went on maternity leave ...

Leeds2 · 02/07/2018 21:30

I hope you use what has happened to think very carefully about what will inevitably happen in the future.
Quit your job, use your savings to live whilst looking for another one, and also use your time to look for a new home, just for you.

YouTheCat · 02/07/2018 21:32

As has been said 'run'. He sounds awful. Take your savings and bugger off.

BarbaraofSevillle · 02/07/2018 21:33

if he is only contributing half of your £1100 monthly outgoing take a long hard look at why you have saved significantly more than him

^^ This. If you've said how much you earn, sorry I've missed it, but why have you saved so much more than him when he earns £3k+ and is paying relatively little towards bills. He sounds both tight and selfish with money and a spendthrift at the same time and the kind of man who wouldn't contribute towards his child, maternity leave, childcare etc and would seem them as 'your' expenses.

IsaidMrDarcynotArsey · 02/07/2018 21:34

When someone shows you who they are believe them ! He is telling you you cannot rely on him in anything less than favourable circumstances. Run for the hills !

nakedscientist · 02/07/2018 21:36

Love, he is an arse. I wouldn't want him as a next door neighbour, let alone a husband.
DHs and DWs are actually supposed to be really nice to you around 98% of the time, with the 2% being mild grumps and strops that they then apologise for.....

Clinicallysilly · 02/07/2018 21:38

Dump him, how will he react if you became I'll and was off work long term? His reaction towards you becoming redundant says a lot about his character. He's telling you what he's like so listen to him & end this relationship before you have kids. I wouldn't marry him and make him my next of kin and beneficiary of my assets. No way.

BrioLover · 02/07/2018 21:38

The whole point of redundancy pay is to have something to live off whilst you look for a new job, surely? So if you didn't use it then, use it now.

And then, when you are safely in a new (and better paying, hopefully!) job you can leave the 'partner' who didn't support you in your time of need.

SlowDown76mph · 02/07/2018 21:40

Don't have babies with this 'man' :-(

MismatchedStripySocks · 02/07/2018 21:40

Nothing extra to add. Just agreeing with everyone else that you should use your savings to fund some time off, especially as you believe you can find a new job so quickly. Your extra £17k in savings would cover your share of the bills for years! But be wary of someone who is so controlling over money, could be a sign of things to come.

BewareOfDragons · 02/07/2018 21:41

Wow.

I wouldn't marry him or buy a house with him.

Imagine if you got sick! Do you think he'd be there for you or would he just be angry that you were no longer pulling your weight.

Wow.

MessyBun247 · 02/07/2018 21:42

He sounds a dick. Life is to short to waste with someone who doesn’t care about you.

Imchlibob · 02/07/2018 21:44

This is a man who would be lying if he says "for richer, for poorer; for better for worse; in sickness and in health" don't let him say it to you. What a nasty piece of work.

Take your £57k. Hand in your notice. Leave the git. Spend £15k living alone working out your next steps both in personal and work life. Then get out there and enjoy the next chapter of your life.

PumpkinPie2016 · 02/07/2018 21:44

Sorry to hear you were made redundant and have had such a rubbish time Flowers

Your so called partner sounds like a prize plonker to put it politely! Who the hell 'hits the roof' when their partner tells them they are at risk of redundancy! It's not like anyone chooses to be made redundant. Normal people support their partner through it - practically and emotionally.

My husband took redundancy 2 years ago as the option was there and his job was seriously affecting his mental and physical health - I certainly wouldn't have hit the roof! I supported him fully as he would if I were in that position.

If I were you, I'd be ditching him and then you could use your money to live on while you find yourself a new job!

laptopdisaster · 02/07/2018 21:50

When someone tells you who they are, you listen.....leave him. he'll be the type who thinks that childcare is all your responsibility. Do not marry this man. Do not buy a house with him. And for goodness sake make sure your contraception is sound.

snowbear66 · 02/07/2018 21:51

Your putting in 17k more towards your house but when the chips are down he won't pay for you while you look for a suitable job?
You've got to think what your reaction would have been if he had lost his job- I'm guessing you would have been a lot more supportive.
Don't rush into buying a house with this guy.

Suebnm · 02/07/2018 21:52

Posters have suggested you use your own savings to fund your looking for a job you're happy at - would your boyfriend allow you to do that?

Nanny0gg · 02/07/2018 21:53

When someone tells you who they are, you listen.....leave him. he'll be the type who thinks that childcare is all your responsibility. Do not marry this man. Do not buy a house with him. And for goodness sake make sure your contraception is sound.

^^This. Definitely this.

thebewilderness · 02/07/2018 22:01

That really is a bright red warning flag your partner waved in your face when he said if anything happened where you couldn't contribute financially he would not pick up the slack and "you'll have to eat Tesco Value from now on".

When they tell you who they are it is very important that you believe them.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 02/07/2018 22:05

I’d dump this moron

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