To want my fiance to support me in quitting my job

[sususususus]

I was made redundant this year, and the whole thing was very traumatic. The day I was told my job was 'at risk' my partner hit the roof, and said "don't think I am going to be paying for you, you'll have to eat Tesco Value from now on". We rent a flat together.

I know he wouldn't really have done that, but I felt very panicked and pressured into finding a job ASAP. I found one quickly, but it's very different to what I was doing, and I knew it wasn't really for me. I took it because I couldn't be picky, and started a week after I was made redundant. I could have claimed contribution based JSA, but that isn't much.

I received £2k in redundancy pay, and the new job is the same salary I was on before. I've been there a few months now and I realise this job is not for me, I'm not suited to the tasks and I feel sad because I am not using my strong skills anymore. I've been applying for other jobs, but I cannot get the time off to go to interviews (I have to give 6 weeks notice for even an afternoon off) so it's proving very hard. I don't get paid for sick days, and if I take a sick day there is a big investigation and interview about it, even for one day.

I'm taking it day by day, but I desperately want another job. I want to quit so I have the time to find one, I'm pretty confident I could find one within a month to six weeks. It would feel like a huge relief to never go back in that office. But I don't think DP would be comfortable carrying the financial burder, though he could easily pay for everything himself for a short time. Our rent and bills costs about £1100 a month INCLUDING food, and he earns about £3000 a month after tax, more if he picks up overtime.

I should also mention, I have about £57K in savings and he has about £40K, but we have both agreed not to touch this as it's the 'house fund'. We are planning to buy a house together so it's not like I am living off him with nothing to contribute in the future.

I just want him to be supportive, but I know if I quit my job he will hit the roof, but I see it as the only way out to find a job I'm suited to :( AIBU to expect him to pay the bills for a few months and support me in this, or should I just carry on so I can put equal money in the joint account?

Let us reverse the genders on this one.
For a long time (perhaps for ever?) male partners have supported their families by working in jobs they did not like (think coal-mining etc:). Until their deaths, sometimes. They felt it was their duty.
If things have changed in the Modern World, then that is probably for the better. But I still think that there is much more pressure on men to support women, than the other way round-and quite right too.
Of course the OP must consider her future relationship, and can quite reasonably decide if it is what she wants. She has received much sensible advice on this thread, and has several options. I hope it all works out OK for her.
But the self-righteousness of some posters on this thread is astounding!

@OnlyaMan actually, I have been in the opposite position to OP. My husband is a barrister, but was working in a corporate job for less money than he was worth, and he loathed it so much and dreaded going in every day just to be treated like shit that I told him to quit his job, which he did, and I supported us as a family for over 4 months whilst he found something suitable (I was and am the breadwinner). It's called being a supportive spouse, and not forcing your significant other to have a shit day at work day after day.

Thankyou for your post. You are obviously the best wife your husband could ever wish for. He is so lucky!

It sounds like he thinks he's entitled to the final say on everything, including how you should spend your money when you're in a position that is making you miserable and you have more than enough funds to wait for and look for another position.

You need to stop this now.

Take control of your own savings. Tell your partner you are a grown woman and you will decide for yourself if you will be using some of your savings to find a job you will be more suited to and happier in.

Rethink buying a house with this man entirely. Seriously.

Quit the job and ditch the wanker of a fiancé. Who put him in charge of you?

Do not buy so much as a postage stamp with this guy, not a house, and certainly NEVER consider having kids with him!

He will utterly break you when he has the chance.

He’s a mean and miserly twat.

You’re worth better

Sod that for a game of soldiers. He's a cunt. You are worth so much more than that.

As a pp said

Do not marry this man.
Do not buy a house with this man.
Do not have children with this man.

This kind of behaviour is not normal in relationships. He is starting to if not going to financially abuse you.

You are worth so much more than this cunt. Get rid. Sharpish.

This is ridiculous. The redundancy money should never have gone to the house fund. It's yours to find a new job.

You have saved 57k. That's yours at the moment. If you split tomorrow, that's your money (I hope you have it on your name!). You have been given 2k redundancy money for the job you were doing. That's yours too. You jumped and got the first job you could find just because you bowed to your fiancé pressure, but he should not have interfered and should have supported you to find a job that was more suitable. When I say supported you, I don't mean pay for all your expenses necessarily, as you had 2k that would have covered almost 2 months of expenses anyway. For what you say, you are very likely to find a job in a month, so this is what I would have done.

Your problem is that unless you quit this job, you have no chance of attending interviews, so you are stuck there. You can get the same money somewhere else, you have savings to support you whilst off work, use that.

I would not marry him or at least I would want clarification on a series of scenarios. What would happen if you decide to be a SAHM? It's unpaid work but it's not lazy and it would save you childcare costs, what are his views on this? You might not consider it now, but believe me when I say that for many of us the priorities change when we have children. I was so career driven and not interested at all in children, but when I had mine in my arms, my whole perspective changed. If that were to happen to you, would he force you to go out and get a job? Would he give you an allowance to cover only food or would he allow you to have some money for clothes and make up? If you wanted to study another qualification to improve your career, would he support you as student or would you have to work full time and support yourself? If you had a chronic condition or a serious illness, would he accept that you need rest? If you had suddenly severe migraines, would he allow you to stay in bed and take over the house for a day or two? What would happen if after having children you had to stay at home unpaid when they get sick? Or take the annual holidays? How would he react? If you had mental health issues, would he support you to find a better work-life balance? You really need to think about this. You cannot live in fear of being made redundant or being sick. That sounds quite abusive on his part. He only cares about the income you bring home, not your wellbeing.

My DH, then boyfriend, was saving for a deposit for a house. He was stressed at work and became quite ill with panic attacks. He quit and stayed at home for about 9 months and used his savings. I had no problem with this and I support him. I was in a stressful job with no stability. I decided to return to university to improve my CV and get myself better chances I'm job hunting. He supported me and has been paying more for about 5 years, so I can complete this qualification. I recently tried to combine it with too many part time jobs because childcare is so expensive, but I triggered or developed a chronic condition that is seriously affecting my health. My DH insists I should just stay at home and be a SAHM, rest, watch TV and do light house chores. That is support and love. I don't do it because I think it would be difficult for me to become financially dependent, but I agreed to just get one part time job to cover the very minimum credit card payments and that's it. If you love someone, you care about their wellbeing and health above anything else, especially if you have a back up fund, especially if you have had redundancy money.

If you were not with him, what would you do?

I really would think twice about this marriage or house purchase. I would not rush into it and leave my money secure under my name until I could be sure that he loves me more than he loves my income, which is what it seems to happen here.
He's not your boss, he's not your father, he's not your owner. He should be your equal, your friend, your partner for life. You can discuss things and try to meet midway, but there must be a midway and you don't have to do as he says, you can have your own thoughts and make your own decisions. Don't just do as he says because he is your bf. Is he doing what you say because you are his GF? Do you want to accept this behaviour for life? Forever? There are many people out there who would have more respect for you. You can not go to interviews unless you quit this job, you are not giving yourself a chance to meet a better person unless you ditch this fiancé. You can support yourself, you can share with a friend or rent a room to postgraduates.

Sorry you are going through this. Send all applications first, quit the job, attend interviews, get a new job. Take charge of your health and your future.

OP, I was in a similar situation many years ago and I would most heartily advise you to do what I did: thank whatever you believe in for this unexpected insight into what your DF is really like when the chips are down, and LTB.