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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my fiance to support me in quitting my job

160 replies

sususususus · 02/07/2018 20:45

I was made redundant this year, and the whole thing was very traumatic. The day I was told my job was 'at risk' my partner hit the roof, and said "don't think I am going to be paying for you, you'll have to eat Tesco Value from now on". We rent a flat together.

I know he wouldn't really have done that, but I felt very panicked and pressured into finding a job ASAP. I found one quickly, but it's very different to what I was doing, and I knew it wasn't really for me. I took it because I couldn't be picky, and started a week after I was made redundant. I could have claimed contribution based JSA, but that isn't much.

I received £2k in redundancy pay, and the new job is the same salary I was on before. I've been there a few months now and I realise this job is not for me, I'm not suited to the tasks and I feel sad because I am not using my strong skills anymore. I've been applying for other jobs, but I cannot get the time off to go to interviews (I have to give 6 weeks notice for even an afternoon off) so it's proving very hard. I don't get paid for sick days, and if I take a sick day there is a big investigation and interview about it, even for one day.

I'm taking it day by day, but I desperately want another job. I want to quit so I have the time to find one, I'm pretty confident I could find one within a month to six weeks. It would feel like a huge relief to never go back in that office. But I don't think DP would be comfortable carrying the financial burder, though he could easily pay for everything himself for a short time. Our rent and bills costs about £1100 a month INCLUDING food, and he earns about £3000 a month after tax, more if he picks up overtime.

I should also mention, I have about £57K in savings and he has about £40K, but we have both agreed not to touch this as it's the 'house fund'. We are planning to buy a house together so it's not like I am living off him with nothing to contribute in the future.

I just want him to be supportive, but I know if I quit my job he will hit the roof, but I see it as the only way out to find a job I'm suited to :( AIBU to expect him to pay the bills for a few months and support me in this, or should I just carry on so I can put equal money in the joint account?

OP posts:
TheFaerieQueene · 02/07/2018 21:00

I wouldn’t buy a tent with this man, let alone a house.

Rachie1973 · 02/07/2018 21:00

Bluntness
I don't really understand why you don't just take a grand out your savings, quit and find another job. Why are you fucking about wanting him to pay half the bills? Just do it. You've already saved way more than him.

This!!!!

And then decide whether your savings might be better used going it alone, away from this nasty man!

HollowTalk · 02/07/2018 21:01

The longer I'm on this site the less I understand why some posters live with such utter twats.

OP, you have options. If you stay with him you'll have a lifetime of penny-pinching misery. If you leave, you won't. It's your choice.

ReanimatedSGB · 02/07/2018 21:02

Agree with PP: dump the man before you dump the job. You have savings, you are employable, you have no DC - don't waste any more of your life on this prick. And, before you date again, maybe spend some time working out why you set the bar so low - have you bought into the bullshit that a woman without A Man In Her Life is a failure? Was your father a shit, or your previous partner abusive? This man treats you with contempt and is showing all the signs of potential financial abuse - why bother with him?

NameChange30 · 02/07/2018 21:03

“he earns about £3000 a month after tax, more if he picks up overtime.”

How much do you earn?

Unless it’s the same or similar, 50/50 is not a fair way to split the bills.

Before we got married DH and I always split the bills in proportion to income. So if one person earns twice as much, they pay twice as much towards bills.

eggcellent · 02/07/2018 21:05

To keep things 'fair' you need to have £40k in savings to contribute evenly to the "house fund". That leaves you £17k to support yourself with while you find a job. He can't have a go at you for spending money that he can't match, if that makes sense.

Grumpos · 02/07/2018 21:05

Does he act like this with other matters or does he have some issues and worries about money which make it a sensitive subject for him?

Do you really need permission from him to make changes to YOUR career? If you are asking him to pay all the bills then I understand why you need the agreement however with 57k in the bank you can afford to take a mth or two off and properly job hunt. You can cut back and budget so the financial impact isn’t too significant and put the money back once you’re working again.

I’d be seriously thinking about whether I want to spend my life with someone who won’t put themselves out to help me and my overall happiness....in fact he doesn’t even have to do anything or put himself out does he if you use a little bit of savings - yet you still don’t seem to think he’d be happy about it.
Best stay in a job you hate then hey - at least you’ll have a lovely partner to go home to....oh hang on Confused

Furx · 02/07/2018 21:05

Fucking hell. Ditch the job, dump,the loser and fuck off travelling for a couple of years.

There’s a whole world out there and you are a long time dead.

Racecardriver · 02/07/2018 21:10

How do you think he is going to treat you when you have children? Or if you happen to fall ill? Leave him immidiately or you will live to regret it. I garubtee it.

SockMatchmaker · 02/07/2018 21:10

*Fucking hell. Ditch the job, dump,the loser and fuck off travelling for a couple of years.

There’s a whole world out there and you are a long time dead.*

^This with bells on. Honestly if your roles were reveresed would you support him? I bet you would.

Pippylou · 02/07/2018 21:10

Your savings are for a rainy day, it's raining.

A better job would keep your mental health intact and ensure your future saving isn't impacted.

My DH has supported me for years, we're a team. You would have issues when pregnant, etc, if you marry this bloke...take this as an effective early warning of things to come or indeed, avoid.

bengalcat · 02/07/2018 21:11

You need to dump the job and the BF - not necessarily in that order

ThePants999 · 02/07/2018 21:11

Christ, he sounds awful.

That said, pretty sure you're making things harder than they need to be too. Just call in sick for interviews. So what if there's a big investigation and interview - they can huff and puff but can hardly prove you weren't ill. Besides, worst case scenario is they sack you, and so what, you want to leave anyway.

EveningHare · 02/07/2018 21:13

don't think I am going to be paying for you, you'll have to eat Tesco Value from now on".

wow! he sounds like a catch?
LTJ & LTB

LordNibbler · 02/07/2018 21:14

Gosh I feel so sad for you, he's happy to leave you to be in a job you hate. That he knows you will not easily be able to have time off for interviews for something more suited to you and make you feel happier inside.
I don't think this sounds much like love. Do you?

Chewbecca · 02/07/2018 21:14

He sounds horrid.

MrsSarahSiddons · 02/07/2018 21:14

I hope you don't already have children with this idiot. So you can get out of there as soon as possible.

Pokerfaceorbust1 · 02/07/2018 21:15

He sounds awful OP, please take note of what PPs have said. This is not a partnership and he is not supportive. What happens if you fall ill, or take maternity leave or any number of things that can happen in life. We all need someone who'll weather the storms, good or bad, with us not this! Please think very carefully before committing any further with this man. He's shown you who he is, believe him. Period.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/07/2018 21:18

What EveningHare said. He is not a decent man, OP. What a thing to tell you when you were stressed and upset. He's told you how he feels and you would be an absolute fool to ignore that.

Bide your time, leave your job, pay your bills - and start looking around for a job you would love and a house to rent so that you're sure this is all for you - but don't do it with him.

I'm sure that what you've posted is the sanitised version because you don't want to be told to LTB but honestly, that is what I would be telling my best friend to do - run like the bloody wind (when you're ready).

Celebelly · 02/07/2018 21:19

What others have said. This is a massive, massive warning sign to what he'll be like in the future. Proceed at your own peril.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 02/07/2018 21:20

WTF?! Why are you planning to marry a man who reacts to you possibly being made redundant with such resentment?

Have you not heard the standard wedding vows?

I take you to be my lawfully wedded (husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward
for better, for worse
for richer, for poorer
in sickness and in health.

He clearly isn't capable of that kind of commitment, so don't attempt to make it with him, for the love of all that's good in this world!

Usernamesareboring · 02/07/2018 21:20

@sususususus that made me angry just reading your post. You do not have to put up with a job you hate because your dp is a twat, you are a partnership and surely he can spot you for a few weeks until you find something more suited.

Absolutely worst case use the £17k more than him you have saved (and if he is only contributing half of your £1100 monthly outgoing take a long hard look at why you have saved significantly more than him) to cover your half, but please please have a long hard think about whether someone this unsupportive is the partner you want long term.

Gemini69 · 02/07/2018 21:21

Ditch HIM... then the JOB Flowers

BrexitWife · 02/07/2018 21:21

Sorry but no.
He has basically told you very clearly what he expects from you as a family. You pay your half or you can eat crap because i am not going to help you ever.
With that sort of attitude, what is he going to do when/if you are getting pregnant. What if you get ill?

Posters who are saying to use your savings aren’t much better tbh.
Because you are living together and are supposed to become a unit, SHARE and SUPPORT each other. Where is that support when your father pushes you and stresses you so much that you take the first job you can find, even if it doesn’t work you and you are scared to tell him that you just want to quit to have the opportunity to find a job that works for you???

I would really review the relationship and check if it’s really working for you. I would also have a check on what his expectations are. And how he thinks it’s ok to talk to you like this. He isn’t the big boos on the house who can dish threats/pusnishments around. Nor is he entitled to scare you into doing things.

ilovesooty · 02/07/2018 21:21

I'm waiting to hear about his redeeming features explaining why you got engaged to him in the first place.

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